People really seem not to believe in happy relationships

[SquishyLove]

Hey everyone, this is just a general observation I have from overhearing or being a part of conversations with a few coworkers. There are people out there who believe that relationships are inherently supposed to be hard, full of arguments, requiring a LOT of very hard work (they all require some work, granted, but always a struggle? I don't think so), and that it's normal to fight a lot. If a couple isn't fighting a lot, it's because they're in the "honeymoon stage" and once it wears off, it will just be fighting all the time from there on out. The two coworkers I hear the most from are in unhealthy relationships with partners incompatible with themselves, it's just plain to see. Their partners constantly do things to hurt and frustrate them. But the rare times my relationship comes up in conversation (I don't talk a lot about my personal life at work, but everyone does know my fiance came to America recently to live with me), I'm always chided that it's happy "for now" and to wait "until the newness wears off."

I know these people are in miserable and unhealthy relationships, and I'm in a healthy, happy one. They think happiness can't be lasting. I'm not going to argue to convince them. My SO and I have talked a lot about how we will handle conflict and disagreements in our relationship in the future, but we both aren't drama people and don't like screaming and yelling. I was screamed and yelled at before and I don't like it. He tends to be so laid back and drama-free that I just don't see things escalating into a screaming fight when we do have a disagreement. We have a pact to always respect each other and talk to each other with love and respect even when we don't agree. I also know my mom and stepdad, who have been married almost 25 years, are the same way and I never heard fighting growing up. I believe my mom when she says they don't fight, but talk through disagreements. I know for a fact it's possible.

Is it just because misery loves company that these 2 people are so convinced that all relationships are destined to become "difficult?"

[blankita719]

Before my SO, I probably would have agreed with that statement. Because I was always in drama filled, turbulent relationships and fighting was a "normal" thing with those guys. My SO now doesn't do drama at all. And I love being content and stable with him. Of course we have had arguments, but we don't scream and yell and get nasty. Love does take work, but struggling every day means there is a problem, and if you don't resolve the problem then you're just going to stay miserable.

I do think that truly unhappy people want to think the worst and want to see people as miserable as they are. And I don't mean people who are going through a hard time - I mean genuinely unhappy people who are just negative no matter what the circumstance. I've cut a few people out of my life who are this way and it makes such a huge difference. I know it's harder when you have to work with some one like that, but I would just ignore them and continue to feel secure and confident in what you've got going

[lala]

I can't understand those people.. and it just annoys -.- I mean people should be with someone in a relationship they love and respect. I don't see why they are together with someone they yell all the time and argue (especially in the beginning).Some call this passion, I call this immature. I can understand if people fight once or twice but not like all the time..

[ChibiFelicia]

I totally understand where you're coming from squishy. People think that because jeff and i dont argue theres something wrong in our relationship. I just let them think what they want. They have asked me why don't we argue and i say it's because we tend to just talk about things that are bothering us, and try find the root of the problem and fix that. They say fighting jsut shows passion and blah blah...im like well maybe but not for us. lol

[Dziubka]

If you asked my friends... all men are cheating, lying, egoistic assholes.
I literally have not one closeish friend that's in a happy relationship (I'm actually beginning to wonder if it's me - if you want your relationship to last, stay away from me, girls). They're generally not so pessimistic about my relationship, but they just have a bad outlook on relationships in general.
I hate it when people go "you're in love now, but wait until the newness wears off/you'll be living together/whatever other point in the future". I realise that relationships change and there won't always be rainbows, roses and pink fluffy clouds. But why do people feel the need to point it out? For all I know you could get run over by a car tomorrow, lose your legs and have complete amnesia, or your house could burn down and you could lose all your belongings. It happens all the time. Do you see me discussing that?

Oh and my boyfriend and I do fight. That is I yell and scream and he ... gets sad about it and then I realise what I did and apologise. He's just way too calm to let things escalate, so we work really well together. For a while when I was 19 I dated a guy that, instead of letting me scream myself into a wall, he'd 'fight back' and that didn't work out well. It wasn't healthy at all. It might be hypocritical but I can't date a guy who has the same flaws I have, it's really unhealthy.
I think some people sort of need drama in their relationships. My (soon-to-be-ex) roommate is one of them. She constantly fights with her boyfriend, yells, screams and then cries because they're fighting. But instead of not talking to him when she's angry, she picks up the phone and yells at him. I wouldn't stand a second in a relationship like that, but she has been having variations of that ever since I've known her and doesn't do anything about it. So she must be looking for the drama.

[lala]

If you asked my friends... all men are cheating, lying, egoistic assholes.
I literally have not one closeish friend that's in a happy relationship (I'm actually beginning to wonder if it's me - if you want your relationship to last, stay away from me, girls). They're generally not so pessimistic about my relationship, but they just have a bad outlook on relationships in general.
I hate it when people go "you're in love now, but wait until the newness wears off/you'll be living together/whatever other point in the future". I realise that relationships change and there won't always be rainbows, roses and pink fluffy clouds. But why do people feel the need to point it out? For all I know you could get run over by a car tomorrow, lose your legs and have complete amnesia, or your house could burn down and you could lose all your belongings. It happens all the time. Do you see me discussing that?

well said!! DD I like that...

[kiara_silver]

I've gotten, it's just first love, to all men cheat to little jabs of just wait awhile, when they see were still so in love. I know not to expect perfect. I know there may be fights, and we have our struggle. But at the same time, blow ups can be avoided, and you can still have a romantic passionate relationship after time with the right mindset. I think reminding yourself of these conversation helps, never taking your SO for granted, focusing on the important things. But yes, I hate the negativity too. No one knows my relationship between me and my SO but us. We'll just show everyone in 10-20 years when were still crazy for each other that it can last lol

[Lady Death]

Well, for starters...everyone has different views on relationships.
Right now, I think that people(or perhaps the media) around me obsess/put too much importance in getting a relationship.
(and pretty ironic for someone who's in one *points at self*)


A person's outlook on relationships come from their experience(or lack thereof), other people's opinions, influence of media, etc.
While it may be true in some cases, it is not necessarily applicable to your relationship.

Just be happy.

[Zephii]

I get this all the frickken time. I remember when my sister came to visit me in Canada at the end of 2010, she's like "Oh just wait until you've been living together for 8 months" I'm like "We've lived together for more than a year"
She goes, "give it another 8 months then"

It's 2012 now and we're still much the same. We still talk out our problems privately. We still thank each other for cooking dinner or doing a chore. The newness is gone. But we're still the same.

Happiness, for the most part, is a state of mind and there are a sad number of people out there who refuse to try and be happy - both in and out of relationships.

But yeah, this disbelief of happy relationships really gets to me for some reason. I'm glad you bought it up.

[lyonsgirl]

I'm also glad this was brought up. MY SO & I get into arguments and when we were CD, it would usually end up in me leaving the room, and a few minutes later I would come out and apologize for overreacting. He knows I get like that and lets me calm down. We don't go to bed angry at each other-and especially not while we're LD. It's good to hear that other couples go through this too, instead of my friends who seems to argue with their SOs and constantly complain about something he/she did... (I admit that I do it once in a while. But it's on occasion, and it's usually about how he hasn't responded to my text/email/etc.)

[leonsfangirl]

My SO was very negative about relationships before he met me. It's all about experience, if you've only had crappy relationships your going to believe thats the norm.
I was pretty positive, but since being with my SO it's shown me exactly how a loving,strong relationship should be like. Nothing compared to the relationship i had with my ex.

[lucybelle]

It's 2012 now and we're still much the same. We still talk out our problems privately. We still thank each other for cooking dinner or doing a chore. The newness is gone. But we're still the same.

Same for my SO and I. We've been living together for over a year and have never "fought". If I have a problem I tell him, and he fixes it. And of course the same the other way around. But even disagreements are few and far between. 95% of the time we're just happy and having fun. Also, it's impossible for me to hold a grudge, especially against someone so damn cute

[Haley53]

I'm not really sure I could add any more to what's been said, but when I went in for my wax, the beautician was surprised to learn the ages of my partner and I. She said she was surprised we'd made everything work and come out of everything as strong as we had (I swear, I tell more to my beauticians than to my therapist) and "to be so young, too!", so I have gotten it as well.

The unfortunate thing is that Zephii's right: people really don't aim for happiness. I'm not sure if it's because happiness, to an extent, involves being introspective or being able to admit to and accept your shortcomings (such as in an argument, you have to be able to admit where you went wrong or that you did something unfavourable), or if it's because Western culture, in general, is something that breeds and almost rewards negativity. Think about who gets the most screen time on reality TV. It's not the couple that has admirable communication or the sweet mother/son team who work well together; it's the dysfunctional couple who engage in multiple screaming matches and then later talk about how they're aware they need to improve their communication because they love each other that much, even if they never actually do. Think about the characters that are portrayed in soaps or even dramas and sitcoms. People don't watch TV to get a dose of happily ever after. They watch it and get forcefed conflict. Same as in the movies, really. :/ A lot of romantic movie couples... Eh, they're not realistic and they're not necessarily ideal, either, but overcoming that great, unnecessary conflict is what often makes the movie so romantic. Studies have shown that the more TV people watch (and people generally watch a lot), the more they're likely to assume and interpret what they see on TV as what's real or what should be. There's also the fact that America in general, and I would say this of many Western cultures, emphasises being "the best." We breed narcissism. And a lot of the times, that's touted to come with hard work and overcoming adversity. While being able to face and overcome adversity is a great thing, the framework of how overcoming that adversity is emphasised is often with more dramatic conflict than is necessary. But living in a culture where drama is glorified, where we're forcefed drama on TV, in movies, through the media, etc., I think it's hard for most people to separate that from the reality of a happy, healthy relationship. People love drama and we live in a society and culture that feed off it and creating more of it.

[Haley53]

I also want to add that there's a lot to be said about dramatic, turbulent relationships. A lot of people become very addicted to the adrenaline and endorphine rushes that come with each "phase." With every argument/screaming match, there are generally numerous emotions washing over you, all intense, but all a release. To borrow Freud's terms, it's a release of psychic energy and for many people, that's pleasurable. It's the same way that a lot of people tend to feel blocked or stuffed up if they "need to cry" but cannot. Crying is a release, and generally pleasurable, even if the emotions themselves are not. On the contrary, when you make up, you make up as dramatically as you argue. There are a lot of people who equate intimacy with an argument, and let's face it, conflict is what helps relationships to flourish and grow. The problem is that some people start relying on conflict. They start generally associating arguments with intimacy, because the intense feelings of closeness after an argument are addicting. No, this isn't the only reason that people argue, but a lot of people who have very dramatic relationships get caught up in the drama because they get addicted to the very intense roller coaster rushes that the constant cycle of arguing and making up brings on.

[usmcgirl]

If you asked my friends... all men are cheating, lying, egoistic assholes.

Same here. The few friends I have (I'm kind of a loner.. ) are like this. I have gotten everything from "You're not dating, you've never met!" to "Babe, he's cheating. Don't fool yourself." to "Oh how cute. You think you're in love. *sardonic laughter* You have no idea what love is." It's so frustrating!
Granted, before Anthony I was pretty damn certain that I wasn't going to have a good love life.** But that didn't mean I hated on friends' relationships. I generally put a happy face on and ooh'ed and aah'ed whether I was actually happy for them or not. That's part of being a friend. It makes me sad how cynical and critical people are these days.
I do/did have some worries because Anthony & I never/don't fight. But, I guess, part of it is, he hates drama. (For that same reason, he won't give me his ex's name. ^__^) Another part is, I grew up with two parents who fought whenever they got within an inch of each other. (divorced) I don't want that, not for my kids, and (before kids) not for myself. It's not healthy. I don't know why people can't just "Be happy, don't worry." If we all listened to Disney Movies, we'd be a lot better off! Lol.

**this notion came from my mom dating men who treated her like shit (excuse my French) and my father who insisted that "unless you change your behavoior and attitude, you won't ever find love. No guy would love a smart ass like you."