People really seem not to believe in happy relationships

[Zapookie]

I just faced this last night. I was at my aunt's 60th, and she has been with her partner for 7 years. She's been married 3 times. My other aunt had a failed marriage, as did my uncle, and lastly, my own mothers marriage failed too. My father had a divorce before he married my mother. Had a divorce with the wife after my mother also.

My aunt met my SO when he was here and was asking me when he was coming back and what our plans were. She asked me when's the wedding and I told her we're going to live together first for 6 months-1 year before we consider getting engaged. I said we shouldn't have much trouble living together, because the 3 months that we already did live together, was almost like a trial (which went very well, mind you). Then my cousin butted in and said "Ohhh 3 months is nothing, give it 2 years and you'll be at each others throats," my aunt said, "no, give it 7 years and you'll notice all the little things they do and it will start to get to you,". In my head I was just like... well good for you, i'm sorry your partner annoys you so much but mine doesn't!

Since I was a teenager, I've been determined to be the one to break the cycle of divorce within my family. I want to have a wholesome and fulfilling marriage and I want to be a good example to my children of how a relationship is supposed to work. I was subjected to witnessing violence and abuse as a child and I never want to put my own children through that.

I never thought I'd actually FIND someone I could have a functional relationship with, but I did. I am very stubborn, so when my SO and I do have minor disagreements, he is the one to usually say sorry first. He is the one who is the peacemaker. When we were together, a couple of times I let my temper flare up (got it from my dad) and I'd take it out on him without meaning to. He would always apologise even if he didn't do anything wrong and it made me feel so terrible and I'd go to him for forgiveness lol. I felt so bad. I've learned since not to do that anymore because it's not constructive behaviour. Being my first relationship, I'm still learning the ins and outs. He's my rock and he puts up with my craziness, which I love him tremendously for. I don't think anyone else would do the same. He loves me despite everything.

Since we've been apart we're better than ever. We've grown so much together. Being away from each other now that we know what we're missing, has been a huge learning curve for the both of us. We don't take each other for granted anymore. I think when we finally get to see each other again, and when we get our own place together, I'll just think back to the times when I was without him whenever something comes between us. It will remind me that we've been through it all and that this pointless fight right now is worth nothing.

[SquishyLove]

I also want to add that there's a lot to be said about dramatic, turbulent relationships. A lot of people become very addicted to the adrenaline and endorphine rushes that come with each "phase." With every argument/screaming match, there are generally numerous emotions washing over you, all intense, but all a release. To borrow Freud's terms, it's a release of psychic energy and for many people, that's pleasurable. It's the same way that a lot of people tend to feel blocked or stuffed up if they "need to cry" but cannot. Crying is a release, and generally pleasurable, even if the emotions themselves are not. On the contrary, when you make up, you make up as dramatically as you argue. There are a lot of people who equate intimacy with an argument, and let's face it, conflict is what helps relationships to flourish and grow. The problem is that some people start relying on conflict. They start generally associating arguments with intimacy, because the intense feelings of closeness after an argument are addicting. No, this isn't the only reason that people argue, but a lot of people who have very dramatic relationships get caught up in the drama because they get addicted to the very intense roller coaster rushes that the constant cycle of arguing and making up brings on.

I agree with all of your observations, Eclaire, as to why people may be attracted to drama in relationships, in in life in general. I think people normalize it because in our culture, it's all around us. I understand the adrenaline rush aspect, but I think you're absolutely right that people begin to rely on conflict to bring them intense and passionate intimacy. Also, I think some people just end up with the wrong person, someone they just don't "fit" with for whatever reason, but still try to force the relationship because they don't want to be alone. And of course since conflict in relationships is expected, and you're made out to be weird if you don't fight with your partner all the time, people normalize that too.

For me and my SO, we just get along. When people ask (and I have been asked) what we do to "make it work" I just reply that it somehow naturally flows along, and we just get each other and understand each other well enough that we just get along. We don't have to "make" it work, it just does. But I think we just got extremely lucky to fall in love with each other and happen to be extremely compatible for each other. We aren't clones of each other, of course, and are individuals with habits and preferences about things which can differ from the other, but not so dramatic that it causes conflict between us.

Someone else mentioned how having to spend a lot of time LD with each other helps you also to appreciate your partner a lot more than people who have always had their partner at arm's reach. I also agree with this point, and when my SO and I find we're disagreeing about something, I have a feeling it will help us keep it in perspective and hopefully keep our heads cool when working through any conflicts we may have.

Me and my SO have talked a lot about how to deal with conflict together, and we are in agreement that we'll always approach any situation with love and mutual respect. What matters the most is that we love each other more than anything. Being right isn't and should never be a priority for either of us. What should matter the most is coming to an agreement where both of us can be happy. I know I'm lucky!

As for my coworkers in turbulent relationships, I think they stay because conflict is normalized in our culture, and some people feel like happiness isn't something attainable. I also forgot to mention in both situations, children with their SO's are involved so neither one of them feels they can just walk away at this point. Essentially both people feel trapped, like this is just their fate and they should learn to accept it. I half feel sorry for them and half don't, because they made their bed and are now lying in it. *shrug* But they're not as trapped as they feel. It sucks more to be an unhappy family all living together than a "broken home" where the children don't have to hear parents fighting all the time. Either way, they're there because they feel trapped by some illusion they've created.