Intentions

[usmcgirl]

I wasn't sure what to title it, sorry.

I've noticed that 90% of the people on here, talk about engagement and marriage with their SO. In fact, I don't really remember talking to anyone (or seeing anyone post) that didn't at least hope that they'd marry their current SO. Is it just that no one would be in an LDR if it wasn't for marriage, or is everyone on here just that far along with their SO? I don't know if this is making sense or not..

Basically, I guess just answer the questions I've listed and post your own musings.

Edit: I guess what I'm trying to ask is, is no one in an LDR just to date them? Like, they're not worried or wondering or hoping they'll marry their SO? Ugh, I hope this makes sense. <.<

[CanadianGirl]

I'm still trying to figure out if I want to be married, in the official sense. I definitely want to be with him, have a family and grow old together. Something about the institution of marriage makes me nervous..I just need to think about the concept some more. If we got married, the process of closing the distance would be much easier. So far, I've decided that when we're truly ready to get married, that's when we should do it, and not rush for the sake of citizenship.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I think it's the nature of being in a LDR to romanticize and think about the far-flung future. You're separated from someone you love, you're frustrated, you're impatient--it's a refuge from the banalities and little painful moments of daily life. Also, when you're sacrificing so much to be with someone who's far away, you tend to get serious a bit earlier than people in a CD relationship might.

Marriage is hugely important in western culture--it's the ultimate level of legal and personal commitment, and is therefore seen as the sort of grand finish line of a successful relationship. It makes sense that people want that for their relationship. However, you're only 15, and it's perfectly all right to want to just date someone without a clearly defined end-goal. Hell, I'm only 21 and while I'd love to marry JP and I truly hope we do last that long, I really have no idea if we actually will.

[11MikesGirl21]

My SO and I were like that before we started the distance. It's just the kind of people we are. I was raised to be marriage minded and he just kind of grew into on his own. We found each other it clicked. We started talking marriage seriously a few months into the relationship.

I think it's a little of both and it depends on the couple. The amount of love needed to keep a LDR going is incredible. I think it's also the kind of love that leads naturally and directly to marriage. Also, a lot of the couples on here have been together while apart for a long time, so it's only natural really that they'd want to be as together as possible once they close the distance.

[Sora1101]

For me I honestly don't see the point of dating someone LD just to casually date, I mean you can't really casually date someone a billion miles away, take them out to dinner, go to the movies, hang out. What's the point of blowing time money etc for someone who isn't at least being considered for the long haul? I mean LDRs aren't the ideal relationships for most people, we're doing it because we have to, because we have fallen deeply in love with our SO's, not because we enjoy that the ones we hold most dear are never around to share in the joys of being in a relationship.

[lucybelle]

Agree with CQ on this one. I think the reason for seeing so much marriage talk is because members here are mostly 19-30 (or at least that's what it seems like to me). So these are around the ages when people want to get married or at least start to fantasize about it.

A lot of people also say they would never date unless they could see themselves marrying the person one day. Although I was never like that, I probably wouldn't have moved to another country if I was just "dating for fun". In order for the two of us to be together physically, it required a huge commitment on both our parts.

[kiara_silver]

Early on in our relationship i asked him if he wanted to get married. I didn't specifically mean us at that time. But I wanted to know that he wasn't afraid of commitment and that he wanted marriage one day. That the relationship could grow into something serious and i could possibly spend my life with this man. But after falling for him my feelings developed fast. Before he ever talked about getting married i would sometimes in my head or out loud say this little song or something where id say his full name and add could be my future husband, lol its a lil poem or song or... idk how to describe, that was before we met in person. Now a year after that, were at the point in our relationship where we know this is it. Its me and him. We want marriage and to take it to that level. I truly have found my soul mate

[alesitag]

I think when you get in an LDR, whether you have met your SO already or not, you have to agree to be in a committed relationship. What's the point of all the tears and the struggles and the longing and everything else, if this is just casual or just for fun, right?

So eventually, as you're in a committed relationship, you start thinking about the next steps to take, you start planning visits, phone calls or online sessions tend to get deeper... LDR couples get to know each other better sooner than CDR couples mostly because we talk a lot, so you get to realize faster if that person is what you want for the rest of your life...

That's my opinion

[Jezah]

IMHO I think to be in a LDR "just for fun" would be a bit pointless. So much of an LDR is hard, and sometimes downright painful...what is 'fun' about that? Plenty of boys around here I could date 'just for fun', and have. I just think if you want a just for fun dating scenario it is A LOT easier and makes more sense to chose someone close to you that you can actually DO fun things with. My LDR is heading towards marriage because frankly I would not put myself through the emotional turmoil and strain that is a LDR for anything less then someone I see myself with forever. Perhaps it is because I am primo marriage age at 25, but I can't say that even at 18 I would have let myself commit to a LDR unless I knew it had the potential to be the one.

Also, on a practical side, while not all of us are international LDR's...the ones of us who are...kinda need a little thing called a marriage visa to be with their SO's forever so it becomes part love and part legal necessity. Me and HBB want to marry, but will end up doing a backyard or small Florida wedding here JUST for the marriage visa before we have a huge ceremony in England a few years after that.

[Zapookie]

I think most people who are in an LDR take their relationship very seriously, hence why they talk about engagement/marriage.

LDR's aren't really for people who are blase about their partners or are just trying to date people. Why go through the hardship of an LDR if you're just dating around? It's kind of pointless to me. If you're gonna date around, you might as well just find someone in your area. Also, most people don't choose the distance, it just happens.

Of course, there are people who maybe don't want to get married (or can't due to laws in their country), but I'm sure that most of us aim to (at least) close the distance.

[ChibiFelicia]

It really depends on the couple. I had an LDR when i was 14 (i knew it wasnt going anywhere and we only planned to meet once). He was a really good friend i met online while playing games and we still are friends after over a decade. With this current relationship, my SO and I are looking into marriage and honetly if we didnt have this distance between us we'd have been married already. But i want to get more experience in my job as a nurse before i make th emove to the USA (nursing exam over there hence i need more experience). i wouldnt be in an LDR by choice and while we were getting to know each other i did have a chat withhim regarding where this relationship is going. At the time we werent looking at marriage but we were looking at commitment. LDRs as everyone has said are really hard and quite frankly we arent getting any younger and i said i dont want to waste time on something that is never going to happen. Well fast forward a couple years and we dont have a set date to close distance but we're getting there. However long it takes.

So after all my blabbering my answer to your question. For me it depends on age. If im still in my teens i'd rather date for fun and i probably wouldnt choose an LDR for that. Saying that i didnt choose to have a serious relationship in an LDR either. It happened and we're commited. I guess if you're older and earning money it's easier to make visits during an LDR.

[Rugger]

I won't be in ANY relationship unless I can see myself marrying the person. I don't date casually. If I can't see myself marrying the person I'm dating within 6 months to a year of starting our relationship, I'll break up with them.

LDRs have an element of future involved in them because you have to plan visits. CDRs can be more spontaneous and as a result, they get to be a little more casual. No one dates LDR causally because it's such a pain to have to schedule visits.

[Malaga]

The way I feel about my relationship is as long as we're long distance, it's like I'm stuck in the waiting room expecting the real life to begin. It's not that I don't take it seriously, we both do. But this is not normal for me, the normal way to be in a relationship. Not at this stage of my life. The only way I can accept it is that we close the distance within a few years. I wouldn't be doing it if I wasn't looking to stay with him long-term, and that means living together and yes marriage. But I'd have exactly the same criteria if I was dating someone close-distance.

I guess it has more to do with age, or rather which stage in life you're at. When I was 15, I certainly didn't think like I do now, I had different priorities. I wasn't even able to imagine my life at 30. And that's how it should be! So if you worry that you don't fit in with the rest of the people on this site, please don't fret it. You fit in just fine. I know a few people who met their SOs in their teens but weren't preoccupied with plans for the future until a few years later.

[Zephii]

I was never in this relationship to marry. If we never married I would have been alright with that. If we have an understanding, I can usually wrap my head around the issue and that is that. I never thought "where is this leading?" Before we became official. I think the majority of young people dream more of a wedding than a marriage.

[lyonsgirl]

I won't be in ANY relationship unless I can see myself marrying the person. I don't date casually.

Agreed. My SO told me within the first week of our relationship that he didn't get into this relationship lightly. I knew that he hadn't dated any girls since his freshman year (it was a girl he had been dating in high school) so I knew from the start he was treating this relationship seriously. We really started talking via text messages, so by the time we go to our first date we already knew an absurd amount about each other (about 4000 texts over 3 weeks will make that possible...). He told me he loved me for the first time a month and a half into our relationship-and on stage in front of a few hundred people. (See the Favorite Memories thread for the video) Part of me thought he was going to propose-and I knew right then that I would say yes without hesitation.

I know that we are able to survive this LD part of our relationship because of our love and determination. From what I've seen, it's not just LDRs that people start talking about marriage. Granted, in high school I'm not sure it's necessary to seriously think about marriage. (I know I thought about it-but not marriage to my boyfriend at the time.) I know it's different for everyone, but a lot of times people do the most changing post-high school. Whether or not they attend college is pretty irrelevant. Personally, I am not the same person I was in high school. It's very clear to me when I talk to one of the boys I had a long term relationship with. We disagree on absolutely everything now, so I am grateful that I didn't decide in high school that I wanted to marry him. But I think it's natural to talk about marriage with your SO. IMO, the whole point of dating is to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.