Intentions

[books]

I was 31 when I met my SO and I told him I was really not willing to invest any time or emotions into an LDR if nothing was going to come out of it. Basically, I didn't want to waste my time with someone who was not serious about planning for the future.

However, that's not to say that every LDR couple has discussions of marriage. I was in another LDR in my early 20's (I met him when I was 20 and we started as CD) and while we were committed to one another, I was really not thinking nor hoping marriage would come out of it. My mindset then was more or less that I enjoyed things as they were and we would see what happens. That may just be more a reflection of who I am as person as I have never fantasized about marriage and only now have really begun to consider it as a serious option with my SO.

[Dziubka]

I wrote about it before, but when my boyfriend and I first started dating I was anything but serious about the whole thing. I sort of liked him, but I was leaving his city three months after we met and I didn't really want a relationship.
We somehow ended up being a couple and still being one when it was time for me to leave, so we decided we'd have a try at the long distance thing. Even then I was everything but convinced that it would work out. Imho relationships need to grow naturally. I couldn't say after only dating a few weeks that I want to get married or whatever. To be honest I can't really take it seriously when people talk about marriage and forever, after dating for less than a year. Maybe other people have better insight to human nature than me, but there's no way I could jugde that so soon. All I knew when we started dating, was that I really liked him and wanted to spend more time with him and get to know him better.

And here we are, two years later, finally with the same adress, a rough wedding date and names for our children.

[jmay292]

I really appreciate that observation and I think it's very true. When you're so far from your SO, sometimes all you have is your imagination and thoughts of the future, even if they're just thoughts. My boyfriend and I live in different countries, and while a lot of the time I do think of the future, I think about h putting things aside, moving to Costa Rica to a sweet little beachside house and have him be the father of my children, but at this point, they're just thoughts. Wonderful daydreams that help me get through the day, but they're just daydreams. Of course, the whole point of an LDR is to close the distnace at some point, but I don't think that has to mean getting married and being together forever.

Then again, maybe my relationship just isn't as far as everyone else's. We met last summer, spent a couple weeks together, we've been apart for about 8 months and have another 8 or so more, and when I do go to see him, it's to see what COULD happen with a relationship. Is there potential? How do we work together when we are actually together? Could this really become something serious?

So at this point, we're dating just to date. We have plans to see each other, but it's not like I'll be moving in with him.

[dukes2011]

I definitely agree with other posters that LDRs tend to get serious quicker CDRs. You get to know the person on a deeper level and in order to sustain the relationship, you must put in a lot more effort than a CDR. It takes a lot of communication and planning and there are many other challenges unique to LDRs.

In my situation, I was with my SO for a little over 2.5 years when we went LD so we had already talked about marriage. We had graduated college, so we weren't dead set on marriage yet because we're not the type to jump in and rush things. We decided to go the distance since we could see ourselves marrying and see what happened. We decided beforehand that if we weren't sure, we'd go our separate ways. We got so much stronger because of the distance and it showed us that we're in it for the long haul. I've noticed we talk about marriage more, but we take one day at a time and we're both counting down the days til I graduate.

[schwee44]

My relationship actually started out as a whatever-this-is-just-for-fun kind of thing. Hence why I have no idea when we actually started dating. I'm pretty sure he and I both entered the relationship thinking it would end soon, or with no picture of a future. We realized we liked each other and acted like a couple for awhile, but never thought about marriage or anything. Sure, we wanted to take a vacation to see each other, but that was really the extent of it for the longest time. Hell, we didn't even believe in marriage.

I don't even remember when or why it got serious, to be honest. I think that it could have gone either way, but we actually like and get along with each other fairly well, so that's just how it ended up. It was quite a pleasant surprise.

[floridaellen]

I don't date casually. If I don't see a future with a person, I don't invest my time or heart into a relationship.

I agree that LDRs cause you to look more towards the future and therefore be more focused on the ultimate goals of marriage, a house, and children. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing but it can lead to even more sadness if your relationship falls apart. It's hard to live in the present with an LDR.

My SO and I were also brought up in very religious households. Our parents taught us that marriage was a special and rewarding thing that we should strike for in our lives. Therefore, even before getting together, we both wanted to get married in the future and both did not agree with casual dating. Those feelings on marriage have affected our relationship. We see marriage as a goal to strive for.



I hope this made sense. I'm super tired and can barely keep my eyes open but I need my LFAD fix!

[MeganK]

Im talking about marriage with my SO,
we are working on our folder and everything for me to get my visa.
(= im hoping to marry him sometime shortly after 2013! <3

[Jazi]

.Also, on a practical side, while not all of us are international LDR's...the ones of us who are...kinda need a little thing called a marriage visa to be with their SO's forever so it becomes part love and part legal necessity. Me and HBB want to marry, but will end up doing a backyard or small Florida wedding here JUST for the marriage visa before we have a huge ceremony in England a few years after that.

Completely true.

My SO and I are looking at getting him here permanently and honestly there aren't many options for those of us who started their relationships online/long distance in the beginning. To be honest though we aren't going to do those things before we are ready. We have had many conversations about whether in a 'normal' world we would want to be getting married in the timeframe required for visas.. we both agree that we would.

Rushing marriage before you feel ready is not a compromise you should make.. even if it does mean you get to end the distance faster.

[greensweatergirl]

I think age is a big factor. If I recall correctly, you said you were 15, and I can remember exactly one person I knew at that age who was thinking seriously about marriage (they've now been together 13 years! Crazy). I can't speak for everyone of course, but for me, how I thought about relationships and what I wanted out of them changed quite drastically after I turned 24 or 25. Before that I was with people who I cared about and who I hoped I would have a lasting relationship with, but I was also happy just to gain experience, figure out how I worked within a relationship, and enjoy being young and having a boyfriend. Marriage was the furthest thing from my mind. After about 24 though, I had a much better understanding of what I needed in a mate, valued stability more, realized just how (after multiple failed relationships) lucky and rare it is to find someone you truly connect with, and craved waking up with someone and making a future with them far more than I ever did before. I always knew relationships involved work, but I never realized just how much until recently. I think all those things start making a lot of people think "marriage", and it seems to me that most people start thinking about those things when they hit 22-27...the age of the people on this site.

[WakeUpSusie]

I have been with my SO since we were 17 and seniors in high school. While we talked about potential marriage for a few years before we actually got engaged, I don't think we every really seriously considered it until after our junior year of college. We were both completely committed to each other the whole time, but we were also practical and knew that things could change. They actually never did, in fact things only got better between us, so once senior year of college rolled around we started to talk seriously about engagement. We knew we were going to close the distance after I graduated because I was the one who went away to college. He proposed in October of 2011 after we graduated in May of the same year, and we are getting married later this year

I guess the point of my story is it's ok to be a dreamer, but don't forget to be practical about things. People will take you more seriously and your relationship itself will be healthier all around. Take your time! Enjoy being a girlfriend because, if you're meant to be together, that time is special and won't last forever. Same with being his fiancee. Just enjoy the ride and every step along the way

[usmcgirl]

Thank you, everyone, for your opinions. I do agree with you. In response to a few of you, yes, I am 15. My SO & I were talking about marriage the other day which is what inspired me to write this post. Part of the reason that I'm not worried that we're rushing into things, is I know it will be about 3 years before anything can actually happen. (I'm turning 16 this year.) Plus, I know that the past few weeks have really made me stop and think about our relationship. I've been thinking a lot about whether our relationship is something I want for the rest of my life. (In case you're wondering, the answer is yes.) It's not something I'm taking lightly, obviously, and I know full & well that my opinion could change in the next few years, or months even. I've not got my head in the clouds, and I'm not blind to the truth of the matter which is - no matter how much I want our relationship to work, it may not. Should that happen, I'm going to be horribly heartbroken, but I'll be prepared as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is yes, I'm hoping/planning that we'll get married. He's said flat out he wants us to get married. So, while we're both hoping/planning for that, I'm also keeping my head on straight and prorities in order. Does that make sense?

[CynicalQuixotic]

Thank you, everyone, for your opinions. I do agree with you. In response to a few of you, yes, I am 15. My SO & I were talking about marriage the other day which is what inspired me to write this post. Part of the reason that I'm not worried that we're rushing into things, is I know it will be about 3 years before anything can actually happen. (I'm turning 16 this year.) Plus, I know that the past few weeks have really made me stop and think about our relationship. I've been thinking a lot about whether our relationship is something I want for the rest of my life. (In case you're wondering, the answer is yes.) It's not something I'm taking lightly, obviously, and I know full & well that my opinion could change in the next few years, or months even. I've not got my head in the clouds, and I'm not blind to the truth of the matter which is - no matter how much I want our relationship to work, it may not. Should that happen, I'm going to be horribly heartbroken, but I'll be prepared as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is yes, I'm hoping/planning that we'll get married. He's said flat out he wants us to get married. So, while we're both hoping/planning for that, I'm also keeping my head on straight and prorities in order. Does that make sense?

For what it's worth, I admire how introspective you are. A lot of 15 year olds are in the mindset that 'this is way things are and the way things will be' (fuck knows I was, I was convinced at 16 that I was going to marry my boyfriend at the time), and you seem to be in a very realistic place.

[meganrey]

I agree with a lot of people here - 'dating for fun' is fine and all, but whats the point if their away? Being that I'm 25 and my SO 38, we have certain things in mind when we started our relationship, the major one being 'does this person have the potential to be my partner in life?' We walked into this of course knowing that whatever happens, happens but with the hope of the end result being marriage.

[lyonsgirl]

For what it's worth, I admire how introspective you are. A lot of 15 year olds are in the mindset that 'this is way things are and the way things will be' (fuck knows I was, I was convinced at 16 that I was going to marry my boyfriend at the time), and you seem to be in a very realistic place.

Completely agree. I dated the same guy for 3 years (when I was 16-19) and thought, even at 18, that I would marry him. Well, let me just say I am really really glad that I didn't. I am not the same person I was then. So, keep your head where it is, girl. You're going to go places. Love him, let him love you. Be excited (within reason).

[Manoek]

I have to say I had a good single life! I actually dated my current SO 3 years ago, there were a couple of things at that point that didn't make our relationship work, but also because I wasnt ready for the commitment. After that I went back to my ex, and after that had a good single life...!!

But my SO was the first guy that I thought I could spend the rest of my life with, and have babies with..!!

I also think that 'over seas' LDR's are pretty serious because someone would 'give up' their life to move to the other.. Here in Holland you are in a different country within 3 hours.. So long LDRs don't really happen here