Adding 2 or 3 years to the distance?

[Michivf04]

Ok so few months back my bf and i decided to extended our time being apart because of various reasons. The fact that i have to add from being 2 or 3 years more apart is just so horrible. I want to be with him but i want to also be mature about my decisions. I am a bit traditional so i want to get married before moving in with him. I also want to continue my education and get a masters in psychology but if i get my masters in Puerto Rico its cheaper than in the states. If i get it in the states its more expensive and a lot of people have mentioned how hard it is to study after being married. We both decided that the best choice is for me to finish masters here and him have more time to save for our future so we can be more prepared for our future together. Sometimes its just frustrating because of the adding more time apart to this distance. What if i end up losing him in the process? (I think thats dumb to ask cuz if that happens it wasn't meant to be) Did you guys have to make a decision like this?? Do you think we made the right choice? Should i feel this confused?

Sometimes i just want to forget about my masters and just be with him... does that sound crazy. These kinda decision just put yoou in a tough spot.


Any advice??

[eveningsky]

I'm actually going through a sort of similar situation right now. Only, I want to get my Master's in Counseling.
I'm sure you have but just make sure you're doing research to make sure that the degree you're getting will get you the job you want and be worth it.
I would say it depends on the people as far as it "being harder" to study while married. I, personally, would find it easier (maybe not financially) but as far as how I manage my time (my BF goes to bed at a reasonable time but I will stay up all night if I'm left alone) and I would be less stressed out (because I would be with him). I can see it being more distracting though. Honestly though, only you can determine if it would help or hinder you.

[lala]

I am as well in a similar situation, but haven't talked with my SO about it yet. I have to finish my teacher certificate, which will take me 2-3 more years which sucks sooo much! If I knew that this will take me soo long I would have studied something different,really! I could also do the first state exam here, move for one year to my SO with a holiday working visa and then maybe marry and continue there with studying.. but the point is my SO hasn't finished his studies too and he is still living with his parents.. so every decision we will take will either bring us waiting 3 more years or a high risk for my education and us getting married without any money.. I understand you, that really sucks! -.-

[Zephii]

I dont know how old you are, but for me personally I would never deliberately make the distance last longer than it absolutely had to. In my mind there would be something I could change or sacrifice, other than my relationship. Life is too short to live life waiting for a future that might not come. I'm planning on studying, and I can't see why there would be any reason doing so now I'm married would be less effective.

[Yaaamiii]

I would really like to try and get my masters in the same school my SO goes to, killing two birds with one stone by closing the distance and getting a masters at the same time. We both started school at the same time but his degree was always supposed to be a year longer than mine and now that he transferred schools, it set him back maybe a year more so when I graduate, he may have about a year and a half-2 years left, which is how long I'd need for a masters. We'll see. If I don't get accepted for the masters program, I'll have to go back home and the distance will be there for up to two years longer. I graduate in 2013, so if the second scenario happens, then we're looking at about 2.5-3 years more of distance. If the first scenario happens, we're looking at about 1.5 years longer. Here's hoping for the first scenario!

[books]

I dont know how old you are, but for me personally I would never deliberately make the distance last longer than it absolutely had to. In my mind there would be something I could change or sacrifice, other than my relationship. Life is too short to live life waiting for a future that might not come. I'm planning on studying, and I can't see why there would be any reason doing so now I'm married would be less effective.

I agree with this. My SO has also opened my eyes up to the whole concept of building a future together.

I would also like to make 2 points regarding the education piece:
1. I went to grad school and many of my classmates were married. I'm not sure who told you it's more difficult to complete a degree while married, but I would just say be careful about taking anecdotal information as fact.
2. As with any degree, you really need to look at the actual payoff/job prospects. My boss has a PhD in psychology and she has mentioned to me that there are some areas that a PhD and only a PhD will cut it...and psychology is one of them. This is something I've heard at varying points in my career, so being that a master's is a huge sacrifice, make sure to really do your research beforehand.

[Haley53]

I want to add that if you're going for licensing/to get a counselling job, you should do some research there, too. I considered doing my advanced degree program in Europe but it would have involved a 1-2 year conversion course and the licensing likely would not have carried over to the States. Seeing as it's likely we plan to live in the States, at least for a while, when we close the distance, even if doing my degree program there would have closed the distance sooner, it would not have been practical if it could not be transferred/carried over to the U.S. So like books said, do do your research as far as what you want to do with your degree and what it requires (for example, in California, you can get an MFT, but even that doesn't carry over to all states and therefore I could be licensed to work in California but unable to work in another state that doesn't recognise MFT as a certification).

I understand what you mean though. :/ I'm almost done with my junior year, then it's one more year until graduation, then I'm headed to hopefully live with my SO for a year and work and travel abroad in his country. After that, however, it's back home to the States and we're not sure where we're going. He's finishing up his school hopefully starting this year, but I occasionally do experience the anxieties of what if he decides to further his degree/academic career, what happens if he lands a job, therefore making visits more difficult, etc. and of course I sometimes worry about what pursuing my degree would mean for our relationship, but the thing is that you have to live for you first, your relationship second. It's not healthy to sacrifice what's in your better interests for someone else. If it's doable to do your program in Puerto Rico? Then sure, it's something you might consider, but if in the end it doesn't work out with your long-term plans... Well, that needs to trump the future of your relationship, however difficult. The idea of losing our partners is terrifying, but all you can really do is make it work. There is no secret to LDRs, really, same as there's no secrets to CDRs. People either make it work, continue putting effort into their relationships, or they don't. My guess is that if you're as serious as the point of marriage, he's already made up his mind that you're worth waiting another 2-3 years.

But maybe I'm the odd one out. I simply believe that it's important to go after what you both want/need in the ways that will be best for either you or the both of you (you taking priority) and that your relationship will work out around it. I don't believe in planning everything around your partners, as easy as it can be. I can understand your frustrations and disappointment though. I have experienced them as well.

[lucybelle]

If i get it in the states its more expensive and a lot of people have mentioned how hard it is to study after being married.

This is the part that doesn't make sense to me. Why are you listening to "people"?? I could imagine it would be harder to study once you have kids, but married? How would that even make a difference?

The thing is, when couples close the distance there are sacrifices made. If you don't want to wait another 2-3 years (I wouldn't!) then do your masters in the States. You could apply for in-state tuition after being married which isn't nearly as outrageous as out-of-state.

[Michivf04]

I dont know how old you are, but for me personally I would never deliberately make the distance last longer than it absolutely had to. In my mind there would be something I could change or sacrifice, other than my relationship. Life is too short to live life waiting for a future that might not come. I'm planning on studying, and I can't see why there would be any reason doing so now I'm married would be less effective.

I understand your point of sacrificing stuff other than relationships but I was raised to pursue my dreams(goals) & I think if I'm worth the wait why stop my dreams and goals for a person that doesn't support me in that aspect. Being married would be a bit distracting plus theres more responsibilities and stuff that i wouldn't have to worry about while I'm doing my degree down here.

---------- Post added at 12:03 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:59 AM ----------

This is the part that doesn't make sense to me. Why are you listening to "people"?? I could imagine it would be harder to study once you have kids, but married? How would that even make a difference?

The thing is, when couples close the distance there are sacrifices made. If you don't want to wait another 2-3 years (I wouldn't!) then do your masters in the States. You could apply for in-state tuition after being married which isn't nearly as outrageous as out-of-state. But i didn't know that being married i could cualify for instate tuition i thought i had to wait 12 months. thanks for your advice

[Michivf04]

I have read all of your responses & thank you for advice. One question if i decide to get married after I'm done with my degree (bachelors) in 2013 and we are not financially ready to be living together or even paying for wedding? (We have no saving cuz we have some personal things going on) Would it better then to just stay apart longer?

Also forgot to mencion he is a 4 yr program and he wanted to finish his degree before actually being together cuz his income is better and he would be more stable for the decision. :/

[13000km]

Build on your savings from now to 2013. You don't necessarily have to get married right away, but I wouldn't extend the time apart more than I have to. Even if you have to take a break from school for a year, to save money, get residential status and spend time CD with your SO, before going back to school and completing your masters. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, would it?

You could apply for in-state tuition after being married which isn't nearly as outrageous as out-of-state.

Is this true? Cause if it is, shouldn't I get married right now and not pay freaking international student tuition? /:

[lucybelle]

Is this true? Cause if it is, shouldn't I get married right now and not pay freaking international student tuition? /:

It must depend on the state. But you could "claim" to live with any family member and get in-state tuition in the state I'm from.

---------- Post added at 01:38 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:37 PM ----------

Is this true? Cause if it is, shouldn't I get married right now and not pay freaking international student tuition? /:

It must depend on the state. But you could "claim" to live with any family member and get in-state tuition in the state I'm from.

[MathnSkating]

I'm a really ambitious person, so I understand where you are coming from. The thing is to sit down and understand your priorities. I'm looking at undergraduate schools right now and choosing where to go. I have a few options. As far as schools are concerned, I want one of good ranking. Now, I can either try to find a school that fits that bill and go for the cheapest I can find, or try to find one close to my SO. Turns out the best school near my SO is more expensive.

This is where you have to sit down and think, really think, about what you want. I want to be the best, I will work hard to be the best. But I had to sit down and think about what I would lose if I went to the cheapest school, away from my SO, got the degree I want, and then would most likely go to another school far away from my SO in order to go to the grad school I want. I realized I'd lose something. Ambition, desire to be the best, to get what you want, those are important qualities. But for me, its worth spending a little extra on college to be near my SO. Its a sacrifice, financially I suppose, but its okay. Because now I'm really getting what I want. The chance to make our relationship work, the chance to study at a good school, and the opportunity to live in a new city.

Its impossible to have everything you want. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. You just have to decide which sacrifices you're willing to make. For me it was financial I guess. The thing is, if I pass up this chance to close the distance, even if its just for a few years, I'll wonder 'what if' forever. I don't want that, I want to try and have an amazing career and fulfilling personal life.

My SO supports my career choice. And I'm not sacrificing my career for him, just changing up the plans a bit. I'll still graduate with my BS in Physics, and I'll still do everything I want. It will just be done in a different way because not only do I want to be in a relationship, but I want to be in one with him and I want to give us a chance. If I make the wrong choice? Eh, live and learn. The only mistake I'm making is possibly financial, and I'll work it out when I have to.

Also, I'm almost 22, and have been in college for a while, I just switched majors. And schools.