My Boyfriend needs space - ='(

[RomanticAtHeart]

Hey there,
Where to start.. we have been together for so long, three perfect years.
I wont go into any details, but he is going through a rough patch in life, (with work and family etc).
Thing is, past few weeks he was always sad and miserable with me, after talking with me on skype and i always tried to make him happy, and compliment him, etc.
I thought that didnt work so i thought i wud let him chase me. Suddenly everything changed. He wouldnt put kisses on the end of texts, i wud ask him whats wrong but he wouldnt say. In the past, i have been upset when he didnt make the effort to do things (make convo and even comfort).
I used to write emails, love letters, but he never would answer me back. I let that be and would concentrate on doing other things for him.
In the end, he ignored me on purpose messages i wud leave him, but answer other peoples (and even put kisses on the end to females) and i thought i had done something wrong. When i confronted it with him, he just said he wants space for him. I wish he told me this in first place, but then he he kept saying 'i dnt deserve anyone, or anything' 'im upset and angry at myself' and i tried my best for them few weeks to make him happy and say that he deserves the world, and me. I've told him so many times how much i love him and want him for life.
Lastnight he texted me, saying he talked to someone and they said to think about 'us'. But i love him...would do anything and fight to be with him. With all my heart.
The past 3 years, when we are in person is PERFECT. we are always happy and never get sad or anything never goes wrong. It is only been when we been apart, that the distance has gotten to us. I heard a LDR is different to a ordinary relationship, since its more hard work and u have to put in the effort. I have...I have tried everything.
And now he only thinks negatively about us. I keep saying we cant sacrifice the bad stf, we gotta think about the good times.
That when i move (and i am willing to move to be with him, he knows this and has known this for a long time) and that i want to marry him.
He says he will always love me, and that he DOES want me. Which makes me think that he does want to be with me, but recently he is saying he thinks we shud split.
Tbh, i think we do need time for ourselves, more so him. To get life back on track, and to get back his happy self. Like i said i tried everything to make him smile, laugh and happy but nothing i said or did made a difference. His family even says to me that he needs to sort himself out, as they know what he is like. They have met me several times now and they say i havent done anything wrong, after hearing both sides.

i wish i could make him happy, i think the time will help us. But, what concerns me is, is that he wants to 'split' but us to be single. I keep thinking, if we love and want each other, what is the point of actually breaking up? I would just give him a big break (and say we still in relationship) but just for him to contact me whenever he feels more like himself. I have said to him I will wait forever for him.

In this past week, I have realised how much i love him, and miss him and want him in my life.
I have realised that I have done wrong, that from now on, il let him breathe and that we shouldnt be on skype everynight (i have always told him to have nights for him but he wouldnt listen lol). that i shouldnt get upset, when he doesnt do kisses and i wont get upset anymore. I really have learnt my lesson and if i wud do it all again i wudnt make the same mistakes. I've moved on and willing to try, but i think itl take time for him to learn.
i know he is my one and only, hes my first boyfriend and my last (i hope).

He is the kind, that likes no drama, or troubles. He is the type to ignore any problems and thinks they will be solved if he thinks nothing of it. which is why i used to say 'i love it when u used to put kisses on' or i miss when u did this...but he wouldnt do anything about it. over time it built up and up and he still wudnt do anything. Maybe i expect too much...but all i wanted was a little attention.

I want him to have all the space he needs. At first i thought negatively about all of this, but since then i have been thinking postivie - that this break could bring us back together i would have thought he wouldnt want to be with me - but he has said he loves me and wants me, which shows he does want me.
He just needs time for his life to get back on track. Like i say, when we do get together in person, it will have ups and downs (as every relationship does) but all the times we been together, we have been happy in love. Everything has been perfect.
I just hope this - that has all been blown out of proportion gets back on track. It really all started when he just kept feeling down, and when i confronted about it after spending weeks trying to help then it went. But i will give him the space he wants. Always

Thanks for reading, would love some advice and thoughts about this, as i feel alone in it all
RomanticAtHeart ~

[cymlee]

Sometimes space is necessary, but taking a break could have a positive or negative outcome. I've gone on a few and one ended positively and the other negatively. If this is what the two of you decide on, set some ground rules on what is and isn't okay during the break and be sure that you both have the same understanding of what the break is.

[RomanticAtHeart]

Thank u so much for you response
I am feeling positive about this, and that it will bring us closer. But right now he isnt positive at all.
So after this 'short break' when he comes in to contact, il tell him to try to stay positive, and that breaking up will only just make things worse.
If thats what he wants, then theres nothing i cando. If that will make him happy, il be happy.
I want to set rules, as to me a break means just spending time apart, and not looking for anyone else or anything like that, as to me we are still in a relationship but having time apart. Recently he has gotten in touch with a lady friend he hasnt seen in ages, been talking alot together as of recent and im just concerned that she was the one that told him to think about 'us'. That its not working, as i have been speaking with his family, and they have been saying that none of this is my fault, and he needs to sort himself out as they know what hes like. They are lovely, and they have been very kind to me. But i do trust my man, i love him to pieces, without trust there wouldnt be a relationship lol
Its just a shame that this happened, when everything was going so well. We spent valentines and our 3 years anniversay together (in person) the week before things started to go down. It was perfect.
Anyways, the next time i hear from him, i shall say for us to lay down rules. He says he will always love me, so im sure there is hope in there

RomanticAtHeart~

[DollOnAMusicBox]

Hey,
Im going through something very similar with my SO right now. We're not taking an official break, but he has asked me to back off with the affection and such. We don't really believe in breaks but I suppose, indirectly, thats what we're doing. I'm making more of an effort to make my busy schedule busier just so he gets time of his own. Im not as cutesey. But I continue the loving messages.

But our situation is very similar. He's so off balance right now. Work and money are bombarding him and its made him wonder if he can handle a relationship right now. I know in my heart what I want...but its waiting for his heart that gets scary. For us, the love isnt a question either. I have moments of ups and downs. If youd like to talk, Im right in the boat with you.

Good luck.

[LoveL]

It sounds like he has already started to move on.

He's asking for space, already talking to new people (ie; girls) and has started putting little kisses on the end of texts to other people and stopped giving them to you. His mouth tells you he cares about you and wants to be with you but his heart tells you he wants to be single and still have the freedom to do whatever he pleases.

He's not as committed to you as you are to him.
Don't be so enamored that you get yourself hurt.

[RomanticAtHeart]

Wow we really are in the same boat.
I don't believe in breaks either, but I haven't had a choice since he has felt he needs one. Bless him.
I also know in my heart I only want him, there is only one room in my heart and its for him. I love him more than words couldever say and I can see you do too with your loved one.
And we are as a similar age you and I, but wow I say to you Congrats on making it this far (met 2009 - same year as me!) with your loved one with 3,192 miles apart! Thats amazing. Makes me 250 not so far lol. Bless you both, i wish you good luck too.
And thank u

I am also trying to keep busy (however I am looking for a job right now so i have ALOT of time on my hands, and i recently passed my driving test so i dont have anything else on at the moment. But my grandparents are keeping me occupied with things to do as well as going out more than i used to - and it feels good
I only hope my boyfriend is doing okies, knowing him he is a worrier and will worry things won't work out between us - he needs to be positive.
It is the waiting thats scary, i know what i want lol i want him. I have always said to him i will wait forever for him.

We once went thru a patch before in 2010 (long story short a hacker got into his email account and was talking to this other woman that got in touch with me that he had "cyber sex" when it wasnt my bf doing it, it was the hacker. And he was hacked. He broke down saying that he only trusts me in the world, and back then said - nothing will tear us apart, i wont let it happen. i love u so much and just want you.
When i forwarded these messages to him recently, he said it made him feel more guilty - reading what he once said. Which indicates to me like he is sounding as though he wants to give up. But its his negativity thats bringing him down. If it continues he is only going to push us further away when i dont want that at all and he knows this, ive told him i only want him but he kept being negative. So i hope this week he sees things more positively. I know I have.

I love him to pieces, he says he will always love me too and that he wants me, so that shows me that he does want me.
~RomanticAtHeart

p.s. you can always talk to me about anything going on - any updates and anything about your relationship ^^

[RomanticAtHeart]

I totally understand what you mean.
I have been having those thoughts. I can only wait til he speaks to me next how he feels. If then he says for a break, i shall ask him if that means if he wants to be single. And if so; then the words he has been saying to me dont add up. That he cant be in love with me and want me - yet be single - meaning to look around for others. I can only hope this week does him works <3 fingers crossed - and thank u i feel as though im committed to him more than he is to me, i do feel that.
Thanks u

RomanticAtHeart~

[keypatalina]

I'm actually in the exact same boat as you are too and though it sucks, I've accepted that my guy needs his space right now...Like your boyfriend, mine has to sort his shit out with his career and life in general. Since men are so tied to their egos it's often really difficult for them to admit that they are unhappy with their current situation, especially jobwise when you are happy and secure in yours and they aren't. Although Lovel brings up good points on the thoughts that everyone has when a break or space is being given, I don't think it does anybody any god to just analyze every little thing a guy does (girls love to do this and it drives men crazy). Just relax, believe what he's telling you and focus on yourself...I guarantee that once he sees you're not as dependent on him for your happiness, he'll be able to really focus on sorting things in his professional/personal life and both you and he will benefit. For example, my bf and I aren't speaking as often any more and just the other day he got in touch frantically asking where I was and then this week I told him about a job interview that I have and he began to ask a lot of questions about the job and showed a genuine interest in my life/future. Anyway, I think that a break (though I really hate that label) is sometimes a good thing especially when you're in your early-mid twenties, which is when men really figure out what they want to do with their professional lives and in this case (as well as mine) I think that he needs to sort himself out without worrying about disappointing you or that you're missing out on anything because of him.

PS Message me if you need any advice or want to vent, but I've found that focusing on your own goals (without him) is often the best way to get him to open up and communicate again...I don't know if it's fear of loss or that it triggers some sort of motivation in men. Anyway, best of luck!

[RomanticAtHeart]

I'm actually in the exact same boat as you are too and though it sucks, I've accepted that my guy needs his space right now...Like your boyfriend, mine has to sort his shit out with his career and life in general. Since men are so tied to their egos it's often really difficult for them to admit that they are unhappy with their current situation, especially jobwise when you are happy and secure in yours and they aren't. Although Lovel brings up good points on the thoughts that everyone has when a break or space is being given, I don't think it does anybody any god to just analyze every little thing a guy does (girls love to do this and it drives men crazy). Just relax, believe what he's telling you and focus on yourself...I guarantee that once he sees you're not as dependent on him for your happiness, he'll be able to really focus on sorting things in his professional/personal life and both you and he will benefit. For example, my bf and I aren't speaking as often any more and just the other day he got in touch frantically asking where I was and then this week I told him about a job interview that I have and he began to ask a lot of questions about the job and showed a genuine interest in my life/future. Anyway, I think that a break (though I really hate that label) is sometimes a good thing especially when you're in your early-mid twenties, which is when men really figure out what they want to do with their professional lives and in this case (as well as mine) I think that he needs to sort himself out without worrying about disappointing you or that you're missing out on anything because of him.

PS Message me if you need any advice or want to vent, but I've found that focusing on your own goals (without him) is often the best way to get him to open up and communicate again...I don't know if it's fear of loss or that it triggers some sort of motivation in men. Anyway, best of luck!

Aw ^___^ your post has cheered me up i think that focusing on myself does help I only hope he feels happier too.
But your right ^^ its nice to know that others are in the same boat. Thank u for your wonderful compliment, and i wish you all the best for you SO!
I also hate the label 'break' it means as tho its a negative thing, and it means the last resort when really...it can help.

P.s. thanks ^^ will do!

RomanticAtHeat~

[keypatalina]

You're welcome! Glad, it cheered you up A lot of people on the boards are really against "breaks" because they think it means that something is broken and a break is avoiding the problem, but if the problem is something monumental like a career or move (as it is in our case) sometimes taking a break will only help. Anyway, I do think that you're doing the right and healthy thing because it'll allow both of you to do what's best for yourselves, and if it works out then it'll be so much stronger because each individual will be sorted...not sure if that makes sense lol.

[RomanticAtHeart]

Sorry for the wait but...
We have broke up.

On April fools day, after 2 weeks of space, he came into contact, still feeling negative towards me, i forced him to talk with me on the phone (since i didnt want him to break me up thru texting) and i still had questions but he didnt want to answer them. Anyhow he gave in and we talked. It was obvious he...he said right now he wants to concentrate on him, hes been feeling happier..but hes just not happy with me...
I feel devastated..the one i love..and want more than anything..the one i have been fighting for...has given up.

He wanted us to still be 'friends' but im just gna wait til he texts me randomly, and not text him much. As i told him and he realises, that i cant have him stringing me along, knowing how much i love him, and how i hope that in future we get bk together. But im not going to hope. One day it may happen.

His family have been so nice to me, and say its not my fault and they think im a lovely girl. They are lovely to me

Anyhow, i dont know what more to say other than...were both singletons.
Even though im not sounding positive lol i am im concentrating on myself too And its his loss at the end of the day.

Thanks again for all ur support,
RomanticAtHeart~

[Kairi19]

I know that I haven't contributed to this thread but I have been following it and all I can say is how sorry I am that things didn't work out for you But you have a very refreshing and positive outlook which will help you heal. And who knows, in time maybe he will realise what a fantastic girl he's lost

[Softy]

I'm so sry sweetheart!
I started reading your post and was so hoping for a positive outcome.
I wish I could magically fix the heart of ppl.

/hugs

[RomanticAtHeart]

I know that I haven't contributed to this thread but I have been following it and all I can say is how sorry I am that things didn't work out for you But you have a very refreshing and positive outlook which will help you heal. And who knows, in time maybe he will realise what a fantastic girl he's lost

Aww Kairi thank you
you are so right, I did everything I could to fight back, fight for him, but in the end he gave up, and he says he would have rather be on his own.
I gave him any boyfriend would love to have, and now I know that he has lost something that would have loved and wanted him more than anything.
I'm alot better than when I initially found out we broke up, its made me realise what i have missed out on.

Also, there have been a few male friends out there that have started to show their support for me, which is nice
And something i never thought would happen, just general nice flirting lol my ..well now "ex" after being with him for 3 years, he lost that will to flirt with me back when i flirted with him even though we were together, but now that im 'single' again, and doing a casual flirt on the one off has a nice feeling, something i never thought would make me happy again lol

I am also happier in the sense that I am doing hobbies that i used to love before i met my ex, which is also making me learn more about myself each and every day.
I know it is so hard, and the feelings i had for him wont completely go away quick, but in time they will heal.

I keep saying to myself this message;
"you only live once, so am I just going to waste my life going over the past - over and over again - praying for something that will never happen in my lifetime, missing out on all the good things whilst reminising the bad? No"

To anyone out there - that has just broken up with their "SO", remember that message.
Thank you

RomanticAtHeart~

[FierceFoxie]

What I don't understand is why someone would use the terms " I need space" or "I need a break" while in a LDR. How much more space do you need, when you already are not seeing one another often as it is??

It sounds like he has already moved on and is just throwing out those terms loosely so that he can start dating others and then turn around and say "Well, we were on a break", when he finally comes around to either call it quits completely because he found someone new; or to string you along and use as his back-up for when he gets lonely or has a hard time meeting someone new.

Sorry, RH. I just read your update. Glad to see you doing something positive to heal. best of luck to you!