Closing the Distance/Parents Issues

[Sierra]

No Skype because his computer can't handle it guys We've never Skyped in our relationship. I don't want to ask about talking to them on the phone because I feel like if they DON'T want to get to know me, this is really pushing my luck. I've never asked about the phone because of this.

Basically, I'm begging for a chance for them to even get to know me. I know I"m a great person with a friendly personality. I just need to be given a chance here. Fine, if they don't like me right away, we can work through it over time, I just need to be allowed to take that first step. I feel like he's on one side of the river and I'm on the other and I just need a few stepping stones and I'll feel better regardless of the outcome.

Me saying I wanted their assistance was really me expressing how I hope it would work out in the end. I know life doesn't go that way, but again, not meeting them until after I move there is NOT ok with me. I respect their family bond and know I'm the new girl in town, but I'm the new girl in town they won't meet/are refusing to meet and it just makes me feel so isolated. What makes it worse to me is that after I move my mom is going to come out to see me and she's going to want to meet them, I don't know how I can explain to her that they might not be there yet, especially when I've opened my whole family to my boyfriend.

Unfortunately, it comes down to this. I realize the importance of meeting a family and seeing how they interact. If my boyfriend and his parents are unwilling to give me this for 45 minutes, I'm not willing to be in this relationship. They don't really need to be my surrogate family, but they need to give me a chance. All I'm asking for is a chance.

And yes Dzi, I do work in Family Law and that's why I'm FREAKING out about this, regardless of how valid their feelings may be, and mine may be, not being able to meet the family at all is a HUGE RED FLAG.

It's really ok if they don't consider me family or the likes, but their son and I are in a serious relationship that we both believe will lead to marriage and children and I need to be thrown a bone for some level of comfort in making this move.

The thing is, if they don't like, I JUST WANT TO KNOW. My boyfriend should just tell me and I won't be as insistent about meeting them, but until he gives me a real reason why I can't, what am I supposed to do?

[alesitag]

Have you tried https://www.imo.com? it lets you sign into all your instant messages accounts (msn, AOL, skype, facebook, yahoo, etc.) and it actually supports video straming, it's web based and it won't make your PC run slow. Tell him how important it is for you to set a precedent instead of going from no relationship with them to breaking into a family night out of nowhere, because I think it'd be an awkward situation.

Maybe the way they act towards your relationship is different, and there's nothing wrong with it, maybe he misinterpreted his parents regarding you closing the distance, anyway I think you should ask your SO to introduce you to them before you move... I already asked my SO to introduce me to his mom when I visit him, because she's his best friend and I want to give a good first impression.

[CynicalQuixotic]

No Skype because his computer can't handle it guys We've never Skyped in our relationship. I don't want to ask about talking to them on the phone because I feel like if they DON'T want to get to know me, this is really pushing my luck. I've never asked about the phone because of this.

Basically, I'm begging for a chance for them to even get to know me. I know I"m a great person with a friendly personality. I just need to be given a chance here. Fine, if they don't like me right away, we can work through it over time, I just need to be allowed to take that first step. I feel like he's on one side of the river and I'm on the other and I just need a few stepping stones and I'll feel better regardless of the outcome.

Me saying I wanted their assistance was really me expressing how I hope it would work out in the end. I know life doesn't go that way, but again, not meeting them until after I move there is NOT ok with me. I respect their family bond and know I'm the new girl in town, but I'm the new girl in town they won't meet/are refusing to meet and it just makes me feel so isolated. What makes it worse to me is that after I move my mom is going to come out to see me and she's going to want to meet them, I don't know how I can explain to her that they might not be there yet, especially when I've opened my whole family to my boyfriend.

Unfortunately, it comes down to this. I realize the importance of meeting a family and seeing how they interact. If my boyfriend and his parents are unwilling to give me this for 45 minutes, I'm not willing to be in this relationship. They don't really need to be my surrogate family, but they need to give me a chance. All I'm asking for is a chance.

And yes Dzi, I do work in Family Law and that's why I'm FREAKING out about this, regardless of how valid their feelings may be, and mine may be, not being able to meet the family at all is a HUGE RED FLAG.

It's really ok if they don't consider me family or the likes, but their son and I are in a serious relationship that we both believe will lead to marriage and children and I need to be thrown a bone for some level of comfort in making this move.

The thing is, if they don't like, I JUST WANT TO KNOW. My boyfriend should just tell me and I won't be as insistent about meeting them, but until he gives me a real reason why I can't, what am I supposed to do?

Honestly, I think you're making yourself hysterical over something that doesn't have to be a big. huge. deal. There's no indication that his parents don't like you. For all you know, they could be interested in meeting you and for some reason, your boyfriend is putting it off. (Note, I am not saying that this is the case. I'm using this as an example of what could be going on other than "His parents hate me, oh noes!") I really do understand your concerns--you want to get along with the family of someone you love, you don't want to feel like you're all alone in a new city, and I know what it's like to come from a broken home. But, you're working yourself into a frenzy over something that you can't control and might not be the catastrophe that it seems to be.

However, I do think your SO should introduce you to his parents, seeing that it's so important to you. Organizing a dinner between the four of you is not a hard thing to do. But, I think there are probably more factors in this than you're aware of. Maybe he wants to wait until you two are close distance before introducing to his parents as Sierra, my serious girlfriend and the love of my life? Have you tried just asking him why he hasn't taken you around to meet his parents? I think you two might be misinterpreting each other majorly on this.

[alesitag]

I have actually edited my comment above...

[Sierra]

Have you tried https://www.imo.com? it lets you sign into all your instant messages accounts (msn, AOL, skype, facebook, yahoo, etc.) and it actually supports video straming, it's web based and it won't make your PC run slow. Tell him how important it is for you to set a precedent instead of going from no relationship with them to breaking into a family night out of nowhere, because I think it'd be an awkward situation.

Maybe the way they act towards your relationship is different, and there's nothing wrong with it, maybe he misinterpreted his parents regarding you closing the distance, anyway I think you should ask your SO to introduce you to them before you move... I already asked my SO to introduce me to his mom when I visit him, because she's his best friend and I want to give a good first impression.

Thanks I'll try out that program. Maybe he has, I don't know, I'm waiting for him to get home so I can talk to him about it now.

Honestly, I think you're making yourself hysterical over something that doesn't have to be a big. huge. deal. There's no indication that his parents don't like you. For all you know, they could be interested in meeting you and for some reason, your boyfriend is putting it off. (Note, I am not saying that this is the case. I'm using this as an example of what could be going on other than "His parents hate me, oh noes!") I really do understand your concerns--you want to get along with the family of someone you love, you don't want to feel like you're all alone in a new city, and I know what it's like to come from a broken home. But, you're working yourself into a frenzy over something that you can't control and might not be the catastrophe that it seems to be.

However, I do think your SO should introduce you to his parents, seeing that it's so important to you. Organizing a dinner between the four of you is not a hard thing to do. But, I think there are probably more factors in this than you're aware of. Maybe he wants to wait until you two are close distance before introducing to his parents as Sierra, my serious girlfriend and the love of my life? Have you tried just asking him why he hasn't taken you around to meet his parents? I think you two might be misinterpreting each other majorly on this.

While I totally respect what you're saying, what is a big deal to you isn't necessarily to me, and what's a big deal to me doesn't have to be one to you. This is a big deal to me and I'm entitled to feel this way, it's something that has bothered me for the entirety of our relationship (since I've been out there at least 6 times now).

There's no indication his parents don't like me? There's a lot I haven't gone into here. But trust me there are.

I'm far from being worked into a frenzy, but this is a big deal to me. I have asked him and he's said that he wants it to be special, we were supposed to go out to lunch together but like I said, it didn't happen. He's introduced other girlfriends, just not me. I've asked him and honestly he gives me no valid reason. 'I wanted to spend all my time with you and not share you' yet we spent the whole time with his friends ... it goes on and on.

[LoveL]

I think some of the apathy probably comes from the fact that people generally don't take long distance relationships seriously. And that includes people's parents.

Their ability to get excited about YOU depends entirely on their relationship with their son and on his description of you to them. If either of those things aren't really on the up and up, then how can you expect them to be happy about something they know nothing about? It has nothing to do with YOU or who you are. It all depends on them and their way of thinking about things and looking at the world. It depends on their perspective.

You can't take it personally, since they have no idea who you are. Once they meet you, see you two together and get a sense of what life is going to be like having you around, they'll probably warm up to you. Until you and Mr. Dude sit down with them and they can see that you are more than just some internet whacko and that you have indeed developed a real relationship with their son, you can't expect them to be all happy and giddy. To them, you're just a stranger, even if you have sent them gifts.

[CynicalQuixotic]

While I totally respect what you're saying, what is a big deal to you isn't necessarily to me, and what's a big deal to me doesn't have to be one to you. This is a big deal to me and I'm entitled to feel this way, it's something that has bothered me for the entirety of our relationship (since I've been out there at least 6 times now).

There's no indication his parents don't like me? There's a lot I haven't gone into here. But trust me there are.

I'm far from being worked into a frenzy, but this is a big deal to me. I have asked him and he's said that he wants it to be special, we were supposed to go out to lunch together but like I said, it didn't happen. He's introduced other girlfriends, just not me. I've asked him and honestly he gives me no valid reason. 'I wanted to spend all my time with you and not share you' yet we spent the whole time with his friends ... it goes on and on.

I'm not a mind reader. I can only comment on what you share here. Also, I never said that you weren't entitled to feel this way--you can't control how you feel. I even said that I think your boyfriend should suck it up and introduce you to his parents because it is that important to you. I think we're all just trying to help you put this in perspective, as you can't make either him or his parents do what you want them to do. My ex-boyfriend's mother treated me with condescension at best and full-on seething contempt at worst because she thought I was too outspoken and not Jewish enough. Sometimes you just have to put up with sucky situations that are out of your control. I wish there was an easier solution, but, it looks like in this case, there isn't.

Also, I'm risking your ire here, but it needs to be said: I think that this is really much more of an issue with your boyfriend, not his parents. This is not the first time you've posted about him not meeting your expectations. I know that you love him, but, if you two clash over important things like family and time spent together as often as it seems you do, it might not be the best thing for either of you long-term. I think you're displacing your anger at his failure to deal with the situation to your liking on his parents.

[LoveL]

Also, I'm risking your ire here, but it needs to be said: I think that this is really much more of an issue with your boyfriend, not his parents. This is not the first time you've posted about him not meeting your expectations. I know that you love him, but, if you two clash over important things like family and time spent together as often as it seems you do, it might not be the best thing for either of you long-term. I think you're displacing your anger at his failure to deal with the situation to your liking on his parents.

Yup.

[Sierra]

I'm not a mind reader. I can only comment on what you share here. Also, I never said that you weren't entitled to feel this way--you can't control how you feel. I even said that I think your boyfriend should suck it up and introduce you to his parents because it is that important to you. I think we're all just trying to help you put this in perspective, as you can't make either him or his parents do what you want them to do. My ex-boyfriend's mother treated me with condescension at best and full-on seething contempt at worst because she thought I was too outspoken and not Jewish enough. Sometimes you just have to put up with sucky situations that are out of your control. I wish there was an easier solution, but, it looks like in this case, there isn't.

Also, I'm risking your ire here, but it needs to be said: I think that this is really much more of an issue with your boyfriend, not his parents. This is not the first time you've posted about him not meeting your expectations. I know that you love him, but, if you two clash over important things like family and time spent together as often as it seems you do, it might not be the best thing for either of you long-term. I think you're displacing your anger at his failure to deal with the situation to your liking on his parents.

I do appreciate the honest feedback, but it's pretty far from the truth. When it comes to the amount of time we get to spend together, that's all about to change, when I move there I'm going to be in school full time and working and expect to be busier than him. We've already talked about a schedule where we have a 'day' together each week and a date night every week as well. We'll see if it works out but it's hard to navigate time spent together when we both have to work so hard to survive and I do to have to move out there. We've both come to terms lately with this and have been working on dedicating time to each other when we can and sticking to it.

Of course at times I've been disappointed with my boyfriend, who hasn't had a disappoint or an issue in their relationship? A relationship is a compromise and I truly won't know if he can or cannot meet my needs until we're together in person. I'm working hard right now so I can move there, he's working hard right now so he can help pay off the loan for me moving there, should I be mad about this? Now.

You're spot on about me displacing my anger, it's not even anger I'm displacing, it's anxiety that's turning into anger. I'm about to make some major changes in my life, huge ones, leaving my family for another state with huge cultural differences where I have no job or friends. It's stressful. I talked to my therapist about this today and she said that how I'm feeling is completely normal, an honestly to be expected.

Is my relationship perfect? Hell no. It's so far from it and I know that, I don't pretend like it is. Does my boyfriend have a kind heart and we both have the desire and power to make this work? Yes, we do. We won't know how our relationship is going to turn out, nor do know what will happen in the long-term for us. Nobody has this security in any relationship. Both of us are aware of this, and prepared for things to not work out when I move there but we owe it to each other to try. I can give up now, walk away from the love of my life and never even give the relationship a fair chance, or I can fight like hell, make decisions that are good for us and do the best at my relationship - which I'm choosing.

After I made this thread, he talked to his parents. They'll have a date for us to meet by the end of the week on our next visit. He said his father was excited and I feel much better about the whole situation. At least I'm being given a chance, it'll be what it'll be.

[CynicalQuixotic]

After I made this thread, he talked to his parents. They'll have a date for us to meet by the end of the week on our next visit. He said his father was excited and I feel much better about the whole situation. At least I'm being given a chance, it'll be what it'll be.

I'm really glad of that! I hope it goes well.