Resenting my GF and family a bit due to LDR extension.

[Biscous]

I made a previous thread about my girlfriend not being sure if our LDR would be extended from late May to early August primarily for her to finish her degree. This is reasonable.

She basically confirmed that she has. Her family want time to spend with her before she's off in life and possibly continue to graduate school. One thing is preventing her is completing her degree. She certainly could take online courses and complete it before August but her father won't pay for it. He really could pay but using it as leverage. I haven't had the opportunity to see her and I've tried several times.

Her family wants to give her their blessings before she's off. They want to do the entire graduation ceremony things, etc. When she confirmed that she was staying until August it of course deeply frustrated me because I want her with me and one of my biggest fears in our time apart is that we will grow apart.

My frustrations primarily roots from financial issues. I'm starting my career in a new place and trying to save. Luckily I'm able to start my 401K like I wanted. I'm not able to save like I want to unfortunately. Instead of spending money on myself I'm spending time and money to see her. My house isn't furnished to my liking. I would like to buy a few clothes, but I'm hardly even doing that because I would rather focus on spending the most of our time with each other because I love her.

She stated that her parents didn't want her to be a burden on me when she moves. Seriously, what did they think when I first started my job in August, turn around and ask for time in October to see her. Spent money to see her three times and when she came to see me accommodated her? Economically speaking it would cost much less if she just lived with me now. This seriously pisses me off. It's as though all of my effort has gone to nothing and I'm just broke and lonely.

Also she stated that they wanted time to see her before she leaves? Understandable, but when will it be my time for her and I to be together? It's not like I have been in the shadows, they are well aware of me. I'm thankful that they know that I love her and care about her though.

The father issue frustrates me because of our of the times I've gone back to see her I've made my best effort to meet her father and I haven't been able to. I've seen her mother, brother, sisters and stepdad more than once but I can't get a face to face with this guy. It's not like I can just take time off of my career constantly.

If I were in a better financial position I probably wouldn't have these thoughts of taking a break and focusing on myself. I just feel wounded. I put all my effort for us to be together and it is delayed, totally out of my control. It's as though someone tells you that you did a good job on your work and you get laid off. I feel like that but worse because it is in my heart. I faced criticism by my family to even see her so early, to invest time into it, although I've had some family behind me. All the criticism I have shielded our relationship from. For all of this to blow up on me. It is really disheartening and disenchanting our relationship and I hate to say that because she is an amazing woman who has been by my side at one of the lowest points of my life. This is just hard for me and I can't be angry at her because it's not her fault. I want to the best for her. I just don't know what to do right now to manage things better right now.

[Zapookie]

I think this was already said to you before, but you have to realise that we don't have control over everything, which means you'll need to learn to roll with the punches. We can plan for things in life, but if it doesn't turn out the way we want, we just make alternate plans - it doesn't mean it isn't going to happen, it's just going to happen differently.

This is something you need to focus on. She is moving to you. That is a given. It's just a short while later. There is no need to resent your girlfriend for something which is out of her control. I understand that you have given a lot, but you seem to be expecting a lot from her too. And while its understandable that some people want things to be fair, we can't always expect our partner to give up the same amount that we do.

Relationships are about sacrifice, not giving and expecting to receive back. You will have your time eventually, you just need to be patient.

[frompanthertomustang]

I agree with Zapookie. I also believe that this was said in your last thread, but if your love is that strong, it will be able to survive two more months. I am very sorry about the financial strain you're under, but it will get better, as you pointed out, when she moves to you. In the meantime, you can spend some money on the things you've mentioned above: clothes, furnishings, etc. while she finishes up at home. For those two months, perhaps let her say goodbye to her family (obviously not permanently) and prepare for a new chapter with you. It might be nice to take that time for yourselves and do some things individually before you move in together. During that time, you could communicate via phone or computer.

I'm also sorry that you have yet to meet her father... I can definitely see how that would be frustrating. However, if his daughter moves in with you, I would bet that he would be more inclined to come out and visit! Obviously it would be ideal to meet him before the big move, but as Zapookie said, sometimes we just have to roll with the punches.

I know that you know this, but keep in mind that this is her family that she must, in a way, let go of. It doesn't sound like she has ever lived away from them before (please correct me if I am wrong) so this must be a big deal for her. Your life together WILL BEGIN, it will just take a little more time time than originally expected. Hey, it's much better than having to wait two more years! I understand that you're frustrated, but again, spend a little time on yourself for those extra months as she will... I have faith it will work out!

[Zephii]

I hate to sound like a bitch, but I must point out something - The only person you seem to be thinking about here is you. Selfishness has no place in relationships. Additionally, your post makes you sound like a very imature person, yet your age tells me you're bumping 30 and should know better.

It's a few months. That's it. And it's just money. You can't take that money with you when you die - or any of the nice stuff you would like to own. All you can do is live, have experiences and be grateful. If you don't want to spend that money, don't see her. Before Obi and I closed the distance we didn't have any visits planned, because we knew it was a waste of money. If you'll grow apart in a couple of months of LDR simply because you're not getting the visits you used to, then you probably wouldn't have made it CDR either, because that core of strength and love is obviously not there. You know you love each other and that this is worth it, so you can both stick it out a few more months, seriously. You already know when you're closing the distance - and you need to realise how much of a blessing that is.

Now lets think of her and her family. You're not going to be the one to move - it's her making that sacrifice. Her giving up her home, her family, her friends for you. So if they want a little while together to prepare? That's their right, and you're a bit of a dick if you want to intrude on that simply because of your finances. As to her dad not paying the online courses - it's his money. Maybe online costs more, and he doesn't think it's worth it. Frankly, losts of people learn better in face to face classes so perhaps it's more a case of he wants the best possible education for her that his money can provide.

I can understand your frusteration, and I've resented my SO in the past too, it's not a good feeling but there comes a time where you need to be able to understand the viewpoints of other people and put their needs before your own.
Peace and carrots xx

[Biscous]

Thanks Zapookie! I feel much better talking to her because the only thing I really wanted from her, or someone, is feeling that they appreciate the things I do for them. She totally does. I've always been this way. She recalls this silly time when we were first together where she came home drunk with her brother, but she ended up walking home by herself. Not worried about anything else I came to her to get her.

When I was about to leave I forgot I left my keys in my car

Also I know she can't reciprocate as equally since she is just starting her life. I just need to exemplify love and more patience, and be more supportive until she gets here.

---------- Post added at 06:03 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:59 PM ----------

I agree with Zapookie. I also believe that this was said in your last thread, but if your love is that strong, it will be able to survive two more months. I am very sorry about the financial strain you're under, but it will get better, as you pointed out, when she moves to you. In the meantime, you can spend some money on the things you've mentioned above: clothes, furnishings, etc. while she finishes up at home. For those two months, perhaps let her say goodbye to her family (obviously not permanently) and prepare for a new chapter with you. It might be nice to take that time for yourselves and do some things individually before you move in together. During that time, you could communicate via phone or computer.

I'm also sorry that you have yet to meet her father... I can definitely see how that would be frustrating. However, if his daughter moves in with you, I would bet that he would be more inclined to come out and visit! Obviously it would be ideal to meet him before the big move, but as Zapookie said, sometimes we just have to roll with the punches.

I know that you know this, but keep in mind that this is her family that she must, in a way, let go of. It doesn't sound like she has ever lived away from them before (please correct me if I am wrong) so this must be a big deal for her. Your life together WILL BEGIN, it will just take a little more time time than originally expected. Hey, it's much better than having to wait two more years! I understand that you're frustrated, but again, spend a little time on yourself for those extra months as she will... I have faith it will work out!

Thanks! In the limited time I came on here I'm always encouraged and inspired by posters on here to get me through! I was just explaining to her that I put in a lot of effort to make US possible. I have always been that type of person with anyone I have loved whether it be family, friends, or a significant other so I think this comes down to it. I'm just glad she appreciates me and I am thankful that her parents do to.

Also you're correct, she hasn't lived by herself yet and this is a large move for her. I'm used to moving around, being separated from parts of my family (moved about 10 times and I'm under 30) but that's not to say it's the same other people.

I might just start picking up MMA while she's gone because I don't think she wants me to do that when she's around

[Biscous]

I hate to sound like a bitch, but I must point out something - The only person you seem to be thinking about here is you. Selfishness has no place in relationships. Additionally, your post makes you sound like a very imature person, yet your age tells me you're bumping 30 and should know better.

It's a few months. That's it. And it's just money. You can't take that money with you when you die - or any of the nice stuff you would like to own. All you can do is live, have experiences and be grateful. If you don't want to spend that money, don't see her. Before Obi and I closed the distance we didn't have any visits planned, because we knew it was a waste of money. If you'll grow apart in a couple of months of LDR simply because you're not getting the visits you used to, then you probably wouldn't have made it CDR either, because that core of strength and love is obviously not there. You know you love each other and that this is worth it, so you can both stick it out a few more months, seriously. You already know when you're closing the distance - and you need to realise how much of a blessing that is.

Now lets think of her and her family. You're not going to be the one to move - it's her making that sacrifice. Her giving up her home, her family, her friends for you. So if they want a little while together to prepare? That's their right, and you're a bit of a dick if you want to intrude on that simply because of your finances. As to her dad not paying the online courses - it's his money. Maybe online costs more, and he doesn't think it's worth it. Frankly, losts of people learn better in face to face classes so perhaps it's more a case of he wants the best possible education for her that his money can provide.

I can understand your frusteration, and I've resented my SO in the past too, it's not a good feeling but there comes a time where you need to be able to understand the viewpoints of other people and put their needs before your own.
Peace and carrots xx

No I really appreciate the reality. It is only fair and I respect that. My girlfriend and I talked about it and feel well. Just for the record I am 28. We all have different situations and walks of life so some of my perspectives on things might be a bit different.

The longest stint we have had apart has been roughly 8-9 weeks which is fine. I believe that it is harder for her to not see me than with I. I have a lot of fears and insecurities as well not only venturing away from my own family too, not even remotely near them, but also re establishing myself when I have had setbacks in my life. In any of my relationships I have always been warming, loving, and giving, and I believe I do feel wounded when I don't feel it is not reciprocated.

I realize that none of this is her fault or her doing though. I did tell her today though that we should both mentally prepare for us to be together. Regarding finances I believe I am being pragmatic. It would send a different message to her to say I want her to be with me when I am going out every weekend wasting money. It isn't about nice things necessarily. It is just a bit of realism. Thank you!

[temporaryuser]

i agree with zephii, you really need to take a step back and take a look at what you wrote. How can you resent her or her family for wanting her to finish school? if she is not financially supporting herself, then she is not in a position to just take off to be with you. If her parents are footing the bill for her schooling, you damn well better take a step back and let them finish paying for it, no matter how long it takes.
Family is important to different people in different ways. If you try to come between her and her family by assuming she should just come out there on your schedule you will seriously be in for a rude awakeneing.
And for you to bitch about the money you are spending to go see her instead of saving it, or spending it on your home or clothing? really? I know you want to spend as much time with her as possible, but like others stated< you have an end date. save that money. If the relationship cant last thru a few months of seperation, it will never work being together.

[Biscous]

i agree with zephii, you really need to take a step back and take a look at what you wrote. How can you resent her or her family for wanting her to finish school? if she is not financially supporting herself, then she is not in a position to just take off to be with you. If her parents are footing the bill for her schooling, you damn well better take a step back and let them finish paying for it, no matter how long it takes.
Family is important to different people in different ways. If you try to come between her and her family by assuming she should just come out there on your schedule you will seriously be in for a rude awakeneing.
And for you to bitch about the money you are spending to go see her instead of saving it, or spending it on your home or clothing? really? I know you want to spend as much time with her as possible, but like others stated< you have an end date. save that money. If the relationship cant last thru a few months of seperation, it will never work being together.

Makes sense. Just to clarify I wasn't asking her to delay her degree for me by no means. She was initially telling me that she was taking online courses any way by her own volition so I expected that. Still I cannot control that and I respect her parents. I just really needed to vent. I'm just thankful she appreciates what I do.

Also clothes and furnishing I mentioned to put things in perspective for what I do for her. As mentioned before, I think it would give her the wrong message if I was spending my money every weekend instead of saving it to spend time with one another. That is the reality of many relationships, the fact that financial disputes are a source of major conflict. LDR makes it more difficult because if one person is doing one it will harbor resentment, but I really cannot after thinking about it.

This especially has accumulated when I have been criticized by my own family to see the person I love instead of seeing them. I've indirectly hurt them at times and didn't realize it. I just wanted her to tell me that she appreciates that and have some empathy towards it. I just needed to put my thoughts down.