Passion?

[Jezah]

Me and HBB, as most of you may know...have been in a bit of a 'separation' formally. Not back together on FB, hesitant to call each other BF/GF...yet we still constantly talk and txt and exchange "I love you's". The thing about this is, we are both insanely passionate people. He is veryyyyyyy laid back 98% of the time, but when it comes to me and our love, he is just as emotionally volatile as me. I am more an extrovert, I get emotional about few things but when I do its a 9 or a 10 on the strength scale. This all leads to HIGH highs in the relationship but absolute toxic vicious lows. When we fight it is never civil, never resolved without at least one of us flying off the handle. However afterwards, we spring back better than before and all hurtful words are forgiven since frankly....we are like the same person in 2 different bodies so we understand that in the height of our fights we say whatever we want to hit the hardest.

I guess this is a post to essentially ask the question, when is passionate TOO passionate? I hate boring couples, where its all puppies and sunshine 24/7, I need fire...but am I playing with it? I honestly do not mind the fighting, and HBB himself has said he almost wishes we will have a fight when he is here simply because afterwards we have the most amazing euphoria and 'high' from it. Like its pent up energy that needs to be exerted in order for us to be happy and move on. Can anyone relate to this?

P.S. If you believe in astrology, we are BOTH Scorpios born 2 years 4 days apart. This is pretty much the most explosive coupling in the astrological chart. I think one astrologist said "This is either the strongest and best relationship either will ever have, or it will destroy them both"

[marbear31]

Ahhhh, the curl-your-toes kind of passion. There is nothing like it, and the fire--oh, that fire. But, when it burns out, what is left? Where is the strength, the foundation, the stability of the connection? I don't know each detail of your relationship, but I do know that passion is vital for a relationship, but it is love and strength that makes it an eternal fire. I agree that sunshine and love and rainbows out of butts are boring 24/7--but they are lovely when they are present. I think if you have true, giving love at your core, and you're willing to put each other's happiness before your own, that passion is merely an extension of your connection, not its entirety. Examine your relationship, and think about its core. You should have your answer then.

[lala]

well every person handle a fight different.. some can sit down and talk things out, some just yell at eachother, some beat eachother... I am Scorpion too lol and I have also a lot of passion and temper, but when it comes to my SO I have never such a fight like you descried. Normally I don't say anything when I am angry, and when he asks what's wrong we talk about it.. (however we haven't fought that much). I think passion is vital in a relationship, but it's different from couple to couple... you both have to find the right way to communicate respectfully with eachother when you are in the moment of an arguement or it could destroy your relationship with time..

[leonsfangirl]

Marbear31 put it perfectly.

Does the passion extend to every other part of your relationship or is it only present during fights?

[Zapookie]

I agree, marbear31 couldn't have said it better!

Passion and fire are great, but the fire does tend to settle down eventually, and marbear is right, what do you have left once it does? It's those who can keep those embers continuously glowing that will outlast even the strongest of blazes.

Can I also say that pent up energy can be exerted in other ways

[books]

Your situation immediately reminds me of one of my closest friends who I have known since junior high (we're now in our thirties). She has always been an extremely passionate person and I remember her stating at the age of 15 "I like to fight" when talking about what she wanted in a relationship. So, she has had numerous long-term, failed relationships, one marriage (vegas style, now ended) and more drag out fights than I can even remember. And she still winds up saying she's bored with the guys she meets.

[Softy]

Well this is only my personal opinion.
I am also a very passionate person.
Being passionate has good and bad sides, as you tend to get emotionally too involved in things.

But that being said, it's ok as long as that passion and 'bursts' don't get in the way of your relationship or hurts someone.

I used to date that one guy and i loved him so much, but when we argued I'd raise my voice and even send things flying.
I loved him so much, the subjects of our talks were concerning me greatly that I'd pour my heart and soul into it.
Until eventually he made me realize that it was a tad too much.

Eventually I've learn to just 'temper' my passion and not let it get it in the way.


: )

[Rugger]

As a fellow Scorpio, I know what it's like to be passionate. I like men who have fight in them, not met who let me walk all over them. But fighting just so you can experience highs sounds a tad unhealthy to me. A conflict developing into a full-blown screaming match is NOT healthy either. You should be able to talk about things calmly even when your emotions are running high.

And as many people said, what's left when the passion dies down? It always does. You don't be fighting your entire life. Eventually you have to learn to talk. Make sure there is something left after the fighting stops.

[Malaga]

My ex and I were both quite feisty. It was a passionate roller coaster where the highs were really high and the lows were so very low, and sex was awesome. But after 8 years of that routine I was absolutely drained of energy and it cost me more nerves than I could afford. And I could never imagine settling down with a guy like that, who's like a firecracker. How can you deal with kids, mortgages, when you have a petulant "kid" as a partner who stomps feet and hangs up on you when he feels slighted or something.
My current boyfriend is patient, collected and reliable. One of the main reasons why I feel confident we can work as a team no matter what. I do have a temper but he doesn't buy into it, and it takes two to fight.

[WakeUpSusie]

I don't know... When I read this, my first thought was "wow, that sounds really unhealthy". Now, I am not judging your relationship at all because I don't personally know either of you, but I guess I don't understand why that that kind of "passion" would be a good thing to have in a relationship. I just don't think passion should equal fighting, and I don't get why a relationship with such 'toxic vicious lows' would be worth keeping. I just feel that a stable, potential long term relationship shouldn't ever include those words in the description.

My personal answer to your question is that when you feel the need to fight to find passion in your relationship, that is when you have too much (or not enough) of it. Honestly, I wouldn't use the word passion in that case either. I would try to work together and find a different outlet to channel all of these emotions into rather than fighting, flying off the handle, and and purposefully saying hard hitting, hurtful things.

[Haley53]

My opinion is that it's no longer passion when you have to experience a volatile, negative, and damaging emotional reaction before you reach a point of euphoria. I would say the same, that it's no longer passion, when you have to argue to keep it interesting.

I was in a relationship like this around 16, not official, but a relationship nonetheless, and I very quickly became addicted to this cycle. It's easy to get swept up in because let's face it: all of it feels good. Even when you're arguing, you're expressing this pent-up store of emotional and psychical energy that you don't otherwise release. Freud had it right in that regard. He had a theory about psychical energy, that we are constantly seeking a release for it in order to maintain a balance, and that when that balance is off-kilter, that's when we start experiencing problems. And I do believe that that's the case. The problem is I think partners are far too often the target for that pent-up energy because that is who we're often closest to and most vulnerable with. They're safe because we're in love, so we know that regardless of what they/we say, they/we are likely to still be around in the morning. The other issue is that it's easy to get caught up in, not only because the hormones involved (both the negative hormones and happy hormones) but because we're socialised in a culture that believes that to be "passion." We're brought up in a culture where drama and negativity in relationships are not only normalised, but oftentimes seen as signs of intimacy or of bringing people together. We're brought up in a culture where stable and normal relationships are seen as "boring" and I subscribed to this mindset when I was 16, in my relationship. That relationship was abusive and unhealthy.

Still, sometimes, I feel myself riled up and wanting an argument. I have gained significant self-control over this and so those moments are becoming few and far between. My boyfriend and I currently, sure, we disagree and sometimes we argue, but we have both worked on ourselves and our relationship to continue working on improving our communication so that we are able to resolve issues effectively. We do not argue that often, but that doesn't mean our relationship is boring. Our relationship is actually quite fulfilling, both mentally and emotionally, and no one is more surprised at that than me. When I was younger, I stated the same as books' friend did, "I like to fight." Fighting was what kept me hooked, kept my adrenaline going, my endorphins, released the tense energy of raw anger, hurt, etc. that I hadn't dealt with. Fighting seemed to bring me and the person I thought I loved closer together. But fighting became the glue and that's where the problem lied, because we had no foundation, no connection that could be touched by anything beyond fighting. And yet I thought that's what a relationship was.

I thought the type of relationship I have now with my boyfriend would be monotonous and boring, too comfortable, but I think being in the situation, and being in a relationship that's evolved to this point has taught me that keeping a relationship interesting is more than about the passion. Passion is something that comes and goes; it's like the tide, really. The longer you stay together, the more that initial passion is going to fade. Things do become comfortable in relationships. That's how things work. That doesn't mean the relationship has to be boring. Through letting a relationship evolve beyond constantly being at one another's throats, I learned that what keeps a relationship interesting isn't so much the passion as it is the mental and emotional compatibility of the two people in it. What keeps my partner interesting is that we can have deep, connective conversations and still feel that positive passion coursing through us while not having to argue to achieve it. A relationship is healthy when you can both experience the highs, euphorias, and feelings of connectiveness without having to fight to attain it.

What you have is not healthy - it is damaging - and it saddens me that it's what's seen as a passionate, okay relationship. And I'm not simply saying this because of the damage that it does to one's conscious and subconscious. I'm not simply saying this because of what I feel it does Karmically. I'm not even saying this because I'm a psychology major and therefore have my own opinions on communication and on what certain dynamics and relationships should look like. I'm saying this because I know from experience that when you have this type of dynamic, it becomes what adds flavour and flair to the relationship. This dynamic becomes what adds the depth. This dynamic builds a wall. When you have this dynamic in place, your relationship is more shallow than if you stepped out of your comfort zones to break down that wall and tried to seek intimacy elsewhere, from more vulnerable places that are more sensitive to passion than your hurt selves, even. Having the constant highs and lows is detrimental to a relationship because it prevents growth. It prevents growth in the individuals and growth in the relationship and in my opinion, growth and continuing to reach new depths, is part of what makes a relationship able to [happily] work.

ETA: I wanted to add to Rugger's "I like men who have fight in them, not met who let me walk all over them." This is where I also disagree. Except for the rough patch we went through after his mother passed, my partner has been very good about hardly raising his voice at me. He does have a habit of cursing when angry and that he has worked on, because I find it hurtful and damaging and have told him that it's a dealbreaker if it continues. Yet without arguing, without cursing, without raising his voice, he is still assertive. Lacking "fight" as people on this thread are using it does not directly equate to letting people walk all over them. I'm someone who will walk over someone who simply rolls over and lets me, primarily because half the time, I don't recognise I'm doing it. I'm a strong, assertive personality and need someone equally as assertive to be happy with. But both my boyfriend and I manage to be assertive and stick to our guns while still being able to communicate and compromise if necessary. You can still be strong, bold, and assertive without turning to fighting. I don't believe fighting is unhealthy, but I believe that if it happens every time you're working out discrepancies, then the communication is lacking.

[Minerva]

Having been in two very passionate relationships, one abusive and very unhealthy, and the other being with my current SO, these are my thoughts.

There's passion and then there's an unhealthy need for drama and chaos. When you need to fight to feel passion, it's no longer about the relationship, it's about keeping things on the edge and interesting for yourself. Passion shouldn't be destructive. In the movies, they make couples who bicker like wet cats and then make love the shorthand for passion. In reality, that sort of behaviour can quickly tip into abuse. You become addicted to it, then numb to it, and it escalates as you need to make your fights more vicious and prolonged to get that hit of euphoria. You start crossing lines you never dreamed you would. Boundaries disappear, and respect goes out the door. When you need this sort of drama to keep your interest in a relationships, you'll find yourself either in an abusive situation (as either the abused or abuser) or having multiple volatile relationships that never work out.

You can't base a relationship on passion, even healthy passion. Healthy passion is a wonderful thing, but it comes and goes. There's a reason the most successful relationships are based on friendship -- because even when the passion fades and you're sick of tripping over his socks in the bathroom and the baby's been sick for 2 weeks and won't stop crying -- you have a friend to turn to.

If you both feel the need to fight to feel passion and neither of you can see having a relationship without that sort of passion, I would suggest one or both of you speaks to a therapist to figure out why, because it just isn't healthy or sustainable.

[Moon]

Hey Minerva, good to see you again

Anyway, along with what so many have stated, it's easy to hide relationship flaws under the flag of "passion", then you don't have to address them and get into the real issues. It's also easy to confuse a passionate relationship with one that may have gone off the deep end a bit, and into "crazy" territory. No, I'm not calling either of you crazy, but if you're not careful, the relationship can make you act that way. Just because someone is passionate, it does not excuse bad behavior, passionate or not, you should be in control of yourself and have respect for your partner. Passion also does not excuse disrespect, but disrespect does kill relationships.

[kteire]

I don't know that I agree that fighting and saying incredibly hurtful things is a sign of a passionate relationship, and I definitely don't think it's a good thing. As someone who's in a boring, happy relationship (where we don't fight, and are still ridiculously passionate about our love for one another), I can't really understand the mentality of wanting to fight with the person you love. I think it's unhealthy to take out pent-up rage and aggression on your significant other, and it is heading down the road to a self-destructive relationship. I used to be a very angry person and rage at the people I loved, and while when you're in the early parts of a relationship, that stuff doesn't sink in so much, it will start to affect you after a while. Constantly hearing your SO saying negative things to you when you fight will eventually put a wedge between you, unless you can both find a way to release your frustration elsewhere.

I am so tired of hearing that people think that a relationship that doesn't fight lacks passion. I have enough people that I fight with in my life, my family, my abusive father, and previously an abusive boyfriend, and I've never been happier than with my reasonable, level-headed man. He's passionate about me, and would die before saying something hurtful to me. I know that sounds lame, but I understand the draw to fighting, and I know first-hand how much it can destroy you. It's not really fight or die of boredom, there's a lot of room between the two.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I'm happy to see you again too, Minerva!

Quite honestly, I have never seen an example where the word "passionate" used in the way you are using it isn't a euphemism for an unhealthy and volatile relationship. There should not be "toxic vicious lows". Two adults in a relationship should be able to discuss their issues without anyone flying off the handle. Of course couples fight, and even occasionally yell, but I really don't think this is something that should be glamorized--JP has issues with yelling during disagreements and it's hard for him to keep that in check, but he does because he knows it really upsets me and it's not a respectful way to treat someone. Life isn't a movie.