I meant to post this the other day but ended up mis-managing my computer time... My bad!
But this is something I've been pondering for a while: is it possible to be deeply in love if that love is not reciprocated?
This question was based purely on my own self-reflection of a volatile relationship I was in when I was younger. At 16, I thought it was love. I thought that everything hurt so much and felt so good because he was "the one." I was determined to make it work, to prove that it could, to show him what I felt because I was in love and that the side he showed during our high points/the good times meant that somewhere in there, he loved me too. It's been a while since I cut him completely out of my life, but I think it took anywhere between six months and a year to realise that what I had with him was not love; what I experienced with him was more like dependency and longing, a want for what I felt to be reciprocated that turned into almost an obsessive drive to make it happen.
Then you take my ex. With my ex, sure, the love was there. I won't say I was madly in love, but I did love him and care for him, and I believe he felt the same of me, but our relationship was shallow. Our relationship was closer to that of good friends - friends with benefits, mayhaps - than anything. Even my mother commented on the way my SO's eyes remained loving and "dreamy" through our entire trip while with my ex, he was that way for a day or two after he arrived, but then he began treating me like a buddy.
And then you have my current partner, and the love between us is very blatantly there (we even had a couple of strangers comment on us while we were out). In comparison to my other relationships, it has a considerable amount of depth, and it is also the most mature relationship that I have been in. I do feel we have both a platonic and romantic foundation and that that has only strengthened our connection. We're best friends in addition to being romantic partners and our relationship only continues to get stronger and to grow deeper. We are both currently growing in the same direction, and it's wonderful, having someone who's as committed as I am to making our relationship work, in addition to having someone who loves, cares for, and respects me as much as I do them. But this is what got me thinking...
I had always thought one-sided love was possible, and I dare say that I do believe it is still possible, but I'm not sure I believe, any longer, in that deep/"true" love is possible if it's not reciprocated. Yes, it's possible to love someone without them loving you in return, but for that love to be provided with a place to grow, I feel there needs to be a mutually safe space for both people to be vulnerable with one another, to love/care about one another, and to respect one another. I do feel that love, in a way, whether it's closed love (think victim in an abusive relationship) or open love (think healthy relationship)* feeds off what it's given. If you're in an unhealthy relationship, though you may continue loving someone, you love cautiously, hesitantly, or you start falsifying parts of who you are to please the other person. Once love comes with conditions, there is automatically a wall there, in my opinion, that prevents love from growing any further and reaching any level beyond dependent love. But I think in a healthy relationship, with a respectful and sound partner, that's where you're going to find the environment necessary for love to grow into something deeper, something meaningful.
It's simply something that I've been thinking about and wanting to get your opinions on: can deep/truer love be one-sided? Does love need a particular environment in which to grow and evolve?
*Note: I wouldn't normally compartamentalise into these two extremes, but it's what's simplest to explain my point.
But this is something I've been pondering for a while: is it possible to be deeply in love if that love is not reciprocated?
This question was based purely on my own self-reflection of a volatile relationship I was in when I was younger. At 16, I thought it was love. I thought that everything hurt so much and felt so good because he was "the one." I was determined to make it work, to prove that it could, to show him what I felt because I was in love and that the side he showed during our high points/the good times meant that somewhere in there, he loved me too. It's been a while since I cut him completely out of my life, but I think it took anywhere between six months and a year to realise that what I had with him was not love; what I experienced with him was more like dependency and longing, a want for what I felt to be reciprocated that turned into almost an obsessive drive to make it happen.
Then you take my ex. With my ex, sure, the love was there. I won't say I was madly in love, but I did love him and care for him, and I believe he felt the same of me, but our relationship was shallow. Our relationship was closer to that of good friends - friends with benefits, mayhaps - than anything. Even my mother commented on the way my SO's eyes remained loving and "dreamy" through our entire trip while with my ex, he was that way for a day or two after he arrived, but then he began treating me like a buddy.
And then you have my current partner, and the love between us is very blatantly there (we even had a couple of strangers comment on us while we were out). In comparison to my other relationships, it has a considerable amount of depth, and it is also the most mature relationship that I have been in. I do feel we have both a platonic and romantic foundation and that that has only strengthened our connection. We're best friends in addition to being romantic partners and our relationship only continues to get stronger and to grow deeper. We are both currently growing in the same direction, and it's wonderful, having someone who's as committed as I am to making our relationship work, in addition to having someone who loves, cares for, and respects me as much as I do them. But this is what got me thinking...
I had always thought one-sided love was possible, and I dare say that I do believe it is still possible, but I'm not sure I believe, any longer, in that deep/"true" love is possible if it's not reciprocated. Yes, it's possible to love someone without them loving you in return, but for that love to be provided with a place to grow, I feel there needs to be a mutually safe space for both people to be vulnerable with one another, to love/care about one another, and to respect one another. I do feel that love, in a way, whether it's closed love (think victim in an abusive relationship) or open love (think healthy relationship)* feeds off what it's given. If you're in an unhealthy relationship, though you may continue loving someone, you love cautiously, hesitantly, or you start falsifying parts of who you are to please the other person. Once love comes with conditions, there is automatically a wall there, in my opinion, that prevents love from growing any further and reaching any level beyond dependent love. But I think in a healthy relationship, with a respectful and sound partner, that's where you're going to find the environment necessary for love to grow into something deeper, something meaningful.
It's simply something that I've been thinking about and wanting to get your opinions on: can deep/truer love be one-sided? Does love need a particular environment in which to grow and evolve?
*Note: I wouldn't normally compartamentalise into these two extremes, but it's what's simplest to explain my point.
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