Not together but.... Any advice??

[Michivf04]

Well a week ago basically i broke things off with my SO out of frustrations that i felt thru him venting his stress and screaming at me. I realize that him screaming at me is not right what so ever. This time I realize that its both of us that need to change to make the relationship a healthier one. Some people on here says that i deserve someone better. But to those ppl i ask what if we have both made mistakes what if we have both been not having good communication. We realize we love each other but we wish to be together but in a healthier relationship. We are currently not together giving each other space to think things out. Throught this process previously in an attempt for helping the relationship we were seeking counseling to better personal things to be healthy and build a healthy relationship. It started working until things started getting stressful again and old habits started to come up again. He also suggested reading book: Men from mars and women from venus. We hadn't put enfaces on getting it right away but now i decided that his idea is worth a shot. Has anyone read it? A lot of our frustrations end up being because our lack of understanding each other and communication. I want to give it another shot but without jumping into anything right away. In addition we had made previous counseling appointment when i went down to orlando but now mom doesn't want me to go but i have my doughts. Even if we aren't together should i go or should i just cancel the trip? Do any of you guys have any advice? Think I'm being stupid by wanting to go back.? Kinda complicated but thanks in advance for the advice~!!

[dglynn77]

I read it! GREAT book!!! So helpful, insightful, and such great truths!

[princessmeg1328]

The book makes some really good points. I know I try to incorporate some of them into my relationship, especially when times are hard.
As far as the trip goes, what will you get out of it? You said that you're not together in order to give each other space. Going to visit him sounds like the opposite of what you both are trying to accomplish. Maybe give it some time. Read the book. Continue talking, but put the trip on hold for right now until you both know what it is you want from each other. I think once you have that figured out then you can talk about visiting. To me, the most important thing is to figure out what you want from a relationship with him and to start communicating in a healthy way.

[Minerva]

The book is OK, but it's based on generalities and stereotypes. Not everyone falls into the stereotypes. I'm not really fond of saying things like, "well he's a man, so of course he's going to be sex-focused and non-communicative and wants his own fortress of solidude." Just as I don't flirt to get my way and don't feel the need to chase down someone who doesn't want to talk to me just so we can clear the air. And I think that's the real danger of the book: that you reduce your SO to a stereotype and relate to him the way the book tells you you should, instead of responding to him.

And given your previous post about how he gets verbally abusive during fights and is now suggesting you read this book, I am concerned he will try to tell you he gets angry and yells because he's a man and you react emotionally to it because you're a woman.

The only way to improve oneself is to know what's wrong and want to fix it. And you have to want to fix it for yourself, not someone else. It's a cliche, but changing yourself to fix a relationship rarely produces lasting change. Once the relationship seems to be going a little better, the incentive to work on yourself disappears and you slide back into old habits. This can create a cycle of improvement and regression, which is frustrating, and in the case of abuse, can lead to escalation of behaviour.

I also strongly believe that it is nearly impossible to fix some issues while in the midst of a relationship: addiction, abuse, issues with anger and control. Relationships are too draining and triggering for those types of issues, SOs can become enablers, and it's hard to tangle out feelings of wanting to change from feelings of wanting to save the relationship. I'm not sure the extent of the issues either of you have, but his temper and refusal to take responsibility for it is a large issue and one he needs to figure out before getting into another relationship.

To make changes to yourself, you need time to yourself. You need to listen to yourself without hearing another persons input and you need to be able to focus on yourself without feeling the pressure of someone waiting for you to get better. Not all issues need this, but once again, I am concerned about your previous post and his anger and am very concerned that he has somehow convinced you that there are things you've done wrong that make him act the way he does. I really, really believe you need time away from this relationship to see things in clear light. Only once you can see clearly without his opinions clouding your thoughts can you truly see if there are issues you need to fix within yourself. Or indeed even if this is a relationship you wish to get back into.

[Haley53]

The book is OK, but it's based on generalities and stereotypes. Not everyone falls into the stereotypes. I'm not really fond of saying things, "well he's a man, so of course he's going to be sex-focused and non-communicative and want his own fortress of solidude." Just as I don't flirt to get my way and don't feel the need to chase down someone who doesn't want to talk to me just so we can clear the air. And I think that's the real danger of the book: that you reduce your SO to a stereotype and relate to him the way the book tells you you should, instead of responding to him.

And given your previous post about how he gets verbally abusive during fights and is now suggesting you read this book, I am concerned he will try to tell you he gets angry and yells because he's a man and you react emotionally to it because you're a woman.

The only way to improve oneself is to know what's wrong and want to fix it. And you have to want to fix it for yourself, not someone else. It's a cliche, but changing yourself to fix a relationship rarely produces lasting change. Once the relationship seems to be going a little better, the incentive to work on yourself disappears and you slide back into old habits. This can create a cycle of improvement and regression, which is frustrating, and in the case of abuse, can lead to escalation of behaviour.

I also strongly believe that it is nearly impossible to fix some issues while in the midst of a relationship: addiction, abuse, issues with anger and control. Relationships are too draining and triggering for those types of issues, SOs can become enablers, and it's hard to tangle out feelings of wanting to change from feelings of wanting to save the relationship. I'm not sure the extent of the issues either of you have, but his temper and refusal to take responsibility for it is a large issue and one he needs to figure out before getting into another relationship.

To make changes to yourself, you need time to yourself. You need to listen to yourself without hearing another persons input and you need to be able to focus on yourself without feeling the pressure of someone waiting for you to get better. Not all issues need this, but once again, I am concerned about your previous post and his anger and am very concerned that he has somehow convinced you that there are things you've done wrong that make him act the way he does. I really, really believe you need time away from this relationship to see things in clear light. Only once you can see clearly without his opinions clouding your thoughts can you truly see if there are issues you need to fix within yourself. Or indeed even if this is a relationship you wish to get back into.

I couldn't have said it better, really.

I also want to add that the author's credentials, as far as I'm aware, are not from accredited colleges/universities, and when going for your higher education degrees, you want to look for something accredited in your field. It simply proves a point one of my other professors made about how, really, anyone can put out a self-help book and call it gold, though I feel Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is more about marketing and playing off the Barnum Effect than anything. I have never read it, though, so I can't give it a fair critique, but from what I have read/seen of it, it is entirely sexist and hardly relates to communication. Yes, some people fit some parts of their stereotypes, same as some people fit some characteristics of their star sign, but the issue is that no one truly fits either of those things to a T without some sort of placebo being involved. The key is to write things so generally that people are able to say "hey! That's me!" or "hey! That's my SO!" and form enough of a bias so that they only start registering what information confirms that bias.

I posted on your blog that I feel counselling would be the better option, but also tried to state some of what Minerva was saying, only she stated it more eloquently than I could. I whole-heartedly agree with her points.

[alesitag]

I remember I read the book when I was around 14 or 15 years old just for fun... and I found TWO ideas I thought were great regarding communication issues with your SO whether you're a man or a woman:

1. Writing letters when you find it hard to talk about your feelings.
2. Whenever you talk about a current issue with your SO (either on a letter or face to face), try to avoid accusations and focus on your feelings, for example, instead of saying "You NEVER tell me I look pretty" (just an example) you could say "It upsets me when I spend time doing my hair, putting some makeup on and picking the perfect outfit for a date and I don't get a compliment from you"... it could be silly, you're basically saying the same thing, but the second one will make the other less defensive because he/she won't see it as a direct attack. I've found it works most of the time... and saves you lots of drama.

But I do think counseling/therapy will be better for you two if you want to fix your relationship.

Good luck!!!

[Michivf04]

To be really honest we created a cycle of patters of unhealthy ways to deal with our stress/problems & its not one sided. Im NOT making excuses for myself because my own mom gave me advice on things i did wrong and should change. Those things don't have to go into. The book might be stereotyped as you say but i find my self doing things it says might make other person feel hurt or badly over. I know some ppl don't encourage self help book. Im a psychology mayor and i think i can make a difference on things that might be just false and book marketing. I defenitly do agree that not everyone falls into what book says. Sometimes we are different people and we think differently and by trying to understand that makes us respect each other and get along much better.

Right now i won't make any decisions on the relationship. Lets see what happens:/

[Minerva]

I don't have a problem with self-help books at all (The Feeling Good Handbook helped me at a very low time in my life). My problem with MAFMWAFV (beyond the fact that it is pop psychology written to tap into a market rather than as a true self-help book) is that it focuses on how you can change yourself so the other sex will get you. And that's problematic for 2 reasons (probably more): 1) the entire book is based on the theory that men and woman are completely different and if you don't follow the advice based on the stereotypes outlined in the book, you're doomed to a lifetime of failed communication, 2) change and improvement should be self-focused and motivated, not on changing yourself to suit other's needs.

There are some FANTASTIC self-help books out there, but they are generally written by authors with credentials and don't promise easy fixes that can be boiled down into catch-phrases. And they're usually not best sellers because to get anything out of them you have to actually do hard work.

Finally, self-help books are wonderful for smaller issues, but if you find yourself in a self-destructive cycle they may not be enough. And if someone has major anger issues and can't control his temper, he needs more than a self-help book.

[Safiyah]

Hi Michivf04!

I think if you love him, of course you'd want to go back to him ;-) I think it's a good idea to work on yourself, because insanity= doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results! As you rightly say, it's not ok for him to scream at you and vent his stress at you. Maybe it's good to take some distance, so you can think things over, about your own role and his role in the relationship. Maybe you can ask him then to tell you what triggers him to scream at you (I'm not making excuses for him but maybe it's something you can easily avoid). Maybe you can have a honest conversation with each other about what one person finds "difficult" about the other person, in a constructive, respectful way. It might be hard to take at first, but if you pay attention to what the other person finds important, it will pay off in the long run.

Big hug,

Safiyah