It's complicated

[Irene825]

Hi all, i'm new here and this is my 1st post..

Me and my bf has been together for 2 years+, he's from sweden and i'm from malaysia.The way we met is kinda complicated, i used to dating his brother and once i visit my ex in sweden and found out he cheat on me then we broke up. I met my bf during the visit, we chat with each other sometimes like a normal friend, a year later he visited me and we start dating since then.

Till today, all of my friends and family know/met him, he has been to singapore few times. I've also met his friends, and they knew bout me..the question is, his family don't know we're dating cos is kinda complicated since i dated his brother before. He texted me today and told me his brother asked him yesterday whether we're couple but he said we're good friend.. But he regreted not to admit we're couple after that.

I felt hurt and sad since he told me bout it.. I know it might be difficult for him..but till i felt hurt and feels that he might never admit we're couple in front of his family...and whether he's really serious bout our relationship...as when we talked..we bith do plans that i'll move to sweden few years later and have family etc...i'm confuse now....

Any advice?? Thkxxx

[browneyedgirl08]

I am sure he wasn't ready to tell them yet, he probably wanted to see his brother's reaction. Sooner or later they will find out.

My ex husband was my cousins ex boyfriend, he broke up with her and then we ended up together. I risked my relationship with my family and they didn't speak to me for years when they found out. I did love my ex husband but also felt guilty about telling them.

Give him time.

[lala]

Well as you guys have serious future plans and obviously your families are important to you you should tell them that you are a couple! You said his brother is ok with that, so why don't you two two?or is it just him? Talk to him.. I would feel bad if my SO family didn't know that we are together but I would plan moving to him or even thinking about marriage.

[Irene825]

Thanks... I did told him how i felt...just hurts..i need time to calm down i guess...thinking bout "good friend" hurts...

[lala]

Yes that sucks!! He has to be a MAN and tell his family and friends how it is before you come there and plan your future with him! Tell him this!

I can understand if he feels strange, but I mean hey you guys are more than 2 years together..

[Haley53]

I don't feel it's fair to say he needs to man up and come out with it. :/

His family and friends are aware of who you are. His brother is aware of who you are. I'm assuming they're well aware of the visits you've had and the time you spend together, and I imagine they know, on some level, that you're both together, but walk a mile in his shoes. Do you have any siblings? If not, imagine another similarly aged relative, such as a cousin. Say you and your current boyfriend broke up, and your sibling/cousin/whathaveyou started going out with him. Is that something you'd be 100% okay with? I get that his brother cheated on you, and it's hard for me to push my biases to say this, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't care to learn his brother was dating his ex, and it's the same with the rest of his family. It's a complicated situation and depending on their familial dynamic, eh, I don't think it's as simple as calling him a coward or a man based on whether he tells or does not. The dynamic of your relationship is complicated. His brother is your ex. Most people would not be okay with that - browneyedgirl is an example of that - though whether that's because of their personal values or the stigma, I'm not sure. The point is, though, that there is a stigma, there is a general issue with it, and it does have the potential to greatly complicate things. My suggestion would be that as much as it hurts (I have been in a situation where I've been referred to as "good friend," and it hurts), you need to not take it personally, because it's not personal. He's in a difficult position and was likely caught off-guard by his brother randomly asking and I imagine he'll tell them all in his own time.

[Irene825]

Thanks...understand totally..i'm just trying not to think bout it and let him handle his end...guess thats the best...

[temporaryuser]

i am sure his brother knows whats going on, why else would he have asked? His brother may have been giving him the chance to come out and say it. Dont be surprised if the brother/your ex contacts you to ask you about it.
Yes, "good friend" hurts. But its better than just "friend". All relationships must be built obn friendship to last.