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**CanadianGirl** · April 6, 2012, 12:30 PM

My boyfriend did that same thing for a while. He got a PS3 late last year and he's not too bad, plays about an hour a day (whereas I get pretty drawn in if I have the time..). The long pauses and extremely short replies ("ah", "ok", "huh") drove me UP the goddamn wall! At the beginning, I thought I was just boring the hell out of him =l I know it can get extremely frustrating. I tend to get all my work out of the way early so I can devote some time before bed just for him.

I just sort of snapped one night, after trying very hard to tolerate it. Told him that it hurts when the conversation randomly dies and to give me a quick heads up before he's about to play. He gives me a heads up when he's about to run off to the bathroom.., so it's really not much to ask of him. No real schedule, but if he says he's going to play, I just find something else to do for an hour and we pick up again. So much better now

I'd give him a gentle reminder if he's not following through. Whenever I notice the conversation getting randomly short and disrupted, I ask what he's up to. He'll say "playing games" and that's that.

**lyonsgirl** · April 6, 2012, 12:38 PM

Ohmygosh, girl, I know exactly how you feel. My SO always tells me that he has to do more than one thing at a time. Sometimes it drives me crazy-and he always takes a little bit longer to respond. We Skype with webcams, and once in a while I'll ask him if we can just turn on our webcams and do our own thing, but be able to stare at each other, lol. Is there a reason you don't have/use webcams? Even if it's a weekly or twice a month thing, it's still nice to be able to see each other's faces.

It drives me crazy when he stops responding, because sometimes I feel like he'd rather be playing his game/watching TV/reading/whatever he's doing than talking to me. If he's only telling you 50% of the time, the only thing I can suggest is to tell him when it happens so he realizes just how often he does it-especially if he doesn't realize it's happening. (which is often the case with my SO...)

**kittyo9** · April 6, 2012, 12:48 PM

That is rude. Very rude. I'm a planner, too, and I would be very offended. You do not walk off while you're talking with someone to do something else without telling them. Imagine if you guys were together in person and you were talking... then a little lull in the conversation... and suddenly he leaves you to go play a 40 minute game without mentioning it to you at all. There was no, "Want to play a game?" or "I'm gonna go do this." He just leaves. Doesn't that sound awfully rude? It would make me feel like he's disinterested.

He already is sacrificing time that you set aside specifically for him in order to go play games. Because he is not following through with his compromise, you need to put your foot down and lay down the law. What he is doing is bothering you enough that you have to come here and post about it. That's not something you should become complacent with. He is not extending the same courtesy to you as you show to him. Stand up for yourself and tell him that what he is doing is hurting you.

(I'm not in a good mood so I apologize for the harshness

)

**Minerva** · April 6, 2012, 12:57 PM

This was a major issue at the beginning of our relationship. He plays WoW and is in a guild that plays nearly every night, and the more one plays, the more likely one gets picked for raids, etc. He'd juggle playing the game and talking to me, and sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for hours. I'd get really annoyed, then I'd get annoyed with myself because I thought I was being petty -- after all, we aren't physically together so he's alone a lot of the time, and he should be allowed to have his hobbies and have fun with other people. If I lived with him, it would be different, because even if played most nights, the majority of the time we'd be together. I also never want to have a relationship where we put the other in the center of our universe and fail to connect with other people. So I let myself seethe for a few weeks.

Finally I had enough. I was getting so resentful and feeling so underappreciated. I know it wasn't true, but it felt like he cared more for the game than me. I told him I need time that was devoted to US, not us and the game. I told him I didn't mind that he played, but that I didn't want to feel like a third wheel to a game.

The compromise we worked out is that we now have dedicated time to talk. We might talk other times (we're both almost always signed into MSN), but at those times, either of us might be doing other things as well as sending the occasional IM. The devoted time is for US. It is black and white, but it's what we needed. Since coming up with this compromise I feel so much better about us, and he can game without guilt. I no longer feel like a nag, and he enjoys his time with his guild.

I know you tried this already, but to me, it really does seem like the best solution. He just has to be a bit more flexible and open to the idea.

I guess the other thing I would suggest is that if he goes into a game, he sets his IM program to "busy" so you know he's away. There might even be a way for him to set it so it does it automatically once he enters a game. Corde does that, so I know if I see the "busy" status, it might be a while before he replies.

At the very least, it isn't asking too much for him to let you know he's planning on gaming, so you should insist if nothing else, he does that for you.

ETA: one more thing. Both my SO and I have issues with hyperfocus, so it's easy for us to get sucked into things and not realize how much time has passed. That's another reason I tried not to let the issue bother me. It seems like something petty to be upset about, and it makes you feel like a demanding, overbearing, needy woman to complain about it (it did for me at least). The thing is, it isn't a small issue. I've known people who've broken up over one person spending too much time gaming. If it bothers you, it does, and you need to work out a comprise so you don't feel neglected and so he doesn't feel resentful of you trying to control his time. If you don't set boundaries on it now, it's the sort of thing that can build into a HUGE issue down the road. So work out a compromise you can both agree to, and if he slips, pull him back.

**Haley53** · April 6, 2012, 01:05 PM

@CanadianGirl - See, we have gotten to a point where I'll nudge him or he'll come to the conversation and say "Sorry, playing games" and he generally does end up feeling guilty about it, but the issue is it's not guilt I want him to feel. It's the fact I want him to tell me so that I can plan accordingly. I mean maybe I need to get used to being okay with, 20 minutes in, "In a game, sorry for slow responses," but I would rather know ahead of time and I think my issue is letting go of "my way" enough to agree that maybe I have to settle for him telling me when he tells me. :/ I mean I won't get angry at him for it. It simply upsets me because I don't really want to have to wait until he's halfway through a game before I learn that.

@lyonsgirl - There's an issue with time, but there's also an issue with privacy. He has guardianship/custody over his younger brother, and his younger brother spends a lot of time out in the living room (where my partner's computer is currently). Until my partner moves his computer, or has the means to set it up somewhere else in the apartment, he doesn't have the privacy. Oftentimes, when we talk, he's using his brother's iPad and I'm using Skype on my laptop and he's in bed so he can have some privacy. The situation with webcams isn't permanent, but for now, we have to make do without them.

And I may simply start pointing it out. It may end up being a matter of my having to take direction and say "You haven't responded for a while, and I need to get this done, so maybe we can talk when I come back." :/

@kitty - I suppose the online versus real life comparison is what gets me. When we visit and spend time together, we have down time where we do our own thing, though generally in the same room/area, but with that, there's warning. I ask to use his computer or he asks to use mine or we tell each other when we'll be using our computers or that we're going to lay down and read for a bit. That I'm fine with, but maybe because I associate the time apart with "down/alone time," that's why I end up getting upset? I end up feeling like he's disinterested and like he's not wanting to talk to me, even if I know that's not the case.

The thing is that I've brought this up before and it never goes anywhere. He does tell me he's playing games at some point (our compromise was for him to tell me beforehand, which he has claimed at points is hard to do, because he gets que'ed up and randomly pulled in) but my issue is that it's not before he gets involved. I would say, though, that there are times where he doesn't mention games at all until the first one is over with, which is irritating, because like I said, I'm waiting the full 40 minutes. I don't want to become "complacent," as you put it, but sometimes things don't work. My original solution is one of those things, so I suppose now I'm trying to find something that will. Even if I defend where I'm coming from, there's not much I can do if he's not fully on board with the compromise. I don't see it as becoming complacent so much as trying to find a new solution that will work for the both of us.

**Softy** · April 6, 2012, 01:21 PM

My man games a tad, i do too actually.
Thing is it's something we talked about before we started gaming.
He even asked me: 'is it ok if i game? I game a lot i do tournaments... I know some girls hate that i hope its ok with you?'

Sometimes I'm a lil sad when he start talking and he starts gaming but i don't put too much emphasis on that.
He's having fun and will come back to me when he's less busy and I go and do my own things.
If he comes back quick, cool. He he passes the night gaming,cool as well we'll talk another time.

I just don't and won't let small things like this get in the way.
I know he loves me and he also needs his fun/gaming/going out times which is fine.

That's my opinion only

**LeilaniJoi** · April 6, 2012, 01:21 PM

Made the mistake of marrying a gamer.... what followed was 8 years of trying to get him off the computer to do simple things around the house or anything around the house. Never again.

Games should be a diversion for down time. If they become or are a priority with some one you are in a relationship with then there are big problems whether you realize it or not. That typically won't change once you go CD.

**Haley53** · April 6, 2012, 01:29 PM

I don't have time to respond to everyone currently (but I have read everything and appreciate it, and I WILL respond when I can! <3), but I want to point out that he's not a "gamer," really. We do have plenty of time to talk during the day. We do Skype, however sparing, when we can for 2+ hours at a time. When we spend time in person, we both do our own things/have our own downtime. He does not spend hours upon hours upon hours a day playing games and never has in all the time I have known him. If anything, the most frequently he played games was right after his mother passed and while he was in that mess. Now, they're something he does some of the time and not at others. I simply feel like I've miscommunicated that he's some massive gamer who's playing daily for hours at a time when that's not the case.

ETA: I also want to note that more often than not, not Skyping as often as we would both like is down to my schedule, not his. He's 8-hours ahead so when I work or have class until the wee hours of the morning on his time, Skype isn't always immediately available. Also wanted to point out that our Skype time doesn't have anything to do with his games, either. I really didn't mean to misconstrue my boyfriend that way. xD

**Michivf04** · April 6, 2012, 01:35 PM

I had an issue similar to me. I understand that people might like multitasking but to me it is very important in a ldr that you have quality time even if not being physically together. Since the distance is hard at times remaining together talking to me is very important. Idk why else would you want to be on the phone if you are both doing your own thing? You need to find a common ground where if you agree to do other things while talking then fine if not then talk about how can you work out with your schedule being able to talk without NO interruptions. But if you say its not that big of an issue why need advice? =S Maybe it does bother u slightly so if thats the case then talk it out with him. Maybe you gys can reach a happy medium.

**Haley53** · April 6, 2012, 04:01 PM

Originally posted by Minerva View Post

This was a major issue at the beginning of our relationship. He plays WoW and is in a guild that plays nearly every night, and the more one plays, the more likely one gets picked for raids, etc. He'd juggle playing the game and talking to me, and sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for hours. I'd get really annoyed, then I'd get annoyed with myself because I thought I was being petty -- after all, we aren't physically together so he's alone a lot of the time, and he should be allowed to have his hobbies and have fun with other people. If I lived with him, it would be different, because even if played most nights, the majority of the time we'd be together. I also never want to have a relationship where we put the other in the center of our universe and fail to connect with other people. So I let myself seethe for a few weeks.

Finally I had enough. I was getting so resentful and feeling so underappreciated. I know it wasn't true, but it felt like he cared more for the game than me. I told him I need time that was devoted to US, not us and the game. I told him I didn't mind that he played, but that I didn't want to feel like a third wheel to a game.

The compromise we worked out is that we now have dedicated time to talk. We might talk other times (we're both almost always signed into MSN), but at those times, either of us might be doing other things as well as sending the occasional IM. The devoted time is for US. It is black and white, but it's what we needed. Since coming up with this compromise I feel so much better about us, and he can game without guilt. I no longer feel like a nag, and he enjoys his time with his guild.

I know you tried this already, but to me, it really does seem like the best solution. He just has to be a bit more flexible and open to the idea.

I guess the other thing I would suggest is that if he goes into a game, he sets his IM program to "busy" so you know he's away. There might even be a way for him to set it so it does it automatically once he enters a game. Corde does that, so I know if I see the "busy" status, it might be a while before he replies.

At the very least, it isn't asking too much for him to let you know he's planning on gaming, so you should insist if nothing else, he does that for you.

ETA: one more thing. Both my SO and I have issues with hyperfocus, so it's easy for us to get sucked into things and not realize how much time has passed. That's another reason I tried not to let the issue bother me. It seems like something petty to be upset about, and it makes you feel like a demanding, overbearing, needy woman to complain about it (it did for me at least). The thing is, it isn't a small issue. I've known people who've broken up over one person spending too much time gaming. If it bothers you, it does, and you need to work out a comprise so you don't feel neglected and so he doesn't feel resentful of you trying to control his time. If you don't set boundaries on it now, it's the sort of thing that can build into a HUGE issue down the road. So work out a compromise you can both agree to, and if he slips, pull him back.

This. 100% this. The bit in bold is exactly the way I feel, and that's why it's so difficult to bring it up or even figure out how to approach the issue. :/

I figure I may end up doing what I'm doing already, and toss in some of CanadianGirl's solution. The issue with setting aside game time and talk time is that we do get our talk time... I did share some things that were said and some of what I said and he felt it was unfair that the evaluation was we don't get our talk time because we do, regularly. I think that my issue is more because I do find it upsetting to sit around randomly having to wait 20-40 minutes for a response, possibly because it scrapes on an issue of abandonment/rejection that both seem to be so deep-rooted? :/ Which ends up making me feel guilty, because I do believe this is my issue, not his.

@Softy - Oh, no, I completely agree that that time is necessary! I actually encourage him to go out more than he actually does. Like I said, my intention isn't at all to get him to stop playing. He doesn't game often enough for it to be a problem, and gaming does not take priority over me or our relationship. It is that I simply (and somewhat regrettably) feel bothered when he games without letting me know. Because it's not a regular or constant hobby, it's inconsistent, and the consistent inconsistency is enough to trip the nerve more than something I'm used to, where I see on a regular basis he's capable of giving time to that and to me. If that makes sense. I have also been in a relationship where gaming (along with everything else) did take priority over me/our relationship, and that created its wounds on top of already very present issues with abandonment.

@LeilaniJoy - I'm sorry I misconstrued my point, assuming I did. I have been in a relationship similar to the one you describe and it's nothing like this at all.

@Michivf - He doesn't play games while on the phone with me or Skype. If we've been Skyping for hours with cam turned on, sure, we'll sometimes check the internet occasionally, but even then, we give complete attention, same as we're on Skype/the phone. It's when we're on MSN that this sometimes happens. And we do stay on MSN with one another pretty much every minute I'm not working, at school, asleep, or in class, so it's normal that sometimes he'll be off doing his own thing. It's simply that I have issues when he randomly ends up in a game. :/ I think maybe the lesson I can take from your post is be assertive when I want time for me. I tend not to want to come off as controlling (a lot of this is baggage from my ex, I'm realising) so not to assert when I want talk time and where I'm the center/focus of attention. Maybe that's something I need to be more assertive about. It helps when he makes time to play games with me, Skype with me, etc. but I started a new quarter at university and it's his first week home after a visit, so that probably plays into it too.

I did mention that it bothers/upsets me. I said it's not a dealbreaker and that it's not daily/constant, as in he's not a hardcore gamer (I suppose I was not as clear in my OP as I meant to be). I also mentioned that it was my issue. I am having difficulty managing my issue, but knowing my issue, it's partly something I want to work on in me, not in our relationship. That is why I asked for advice. I want to know how to better cope with the feelings and maybe what other people have done that have been fair compromises in their relationships, so that I'm not trying to solve this issue through my bias based on feelings and an issue I haven't fully processed through.

ETA: I also want to thank everyone for listening, as talking this out has really helped. I'm having a particularly bad day today, so that may play a part in what's prompted me to post, but either way, sharing this somewhere I can read, receive responses, think about them, and then respond has helped me self-reflect a bit more than I was able to, which is helpful and in my opinion, the first step towards changing something.

**Haley53** · April 6, 2012, 11:32 PM

Closing thread.

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Issue with Him Playing Games. Help?

Issue with Him Playing Games. Help?

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