How to discuss her jealousy...

[WillowFaith]

Me gf told me today that she does not want me to hang out with friends because she doesn"t because, as she puts it, she is committed to our relationship and so should I. I am, I hang out with people that are nothing more than friends, but my gf feels that one of them may take me from her because I am physically near them. I was literally told to stay at home when not at work, nap until she comes home and be there to answer the phone when she calls. I tried talking to her about it, but she just snaps at me.

---------- Post added at 04:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:24 PM ----------

(sorry posting from phone).

And then tells me that I need to figure out if I want her, that she knows what she wants and how she feels but I need to do some soul searching to determine if I am truly with her. And then she tells me I am no longer in love with her.

I dont honestly know if I want to be with her because of this jealousy thing. When I lived with her, I never left the house because she didnt want us too. I just don't know how to talk to her about this and if I even want this.

---------- Post added at 04:33 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:29 PM ----------

Sorry if this is all muddled, but I just had another argument with her and I am miserable and upset and now she's at work and I am suppsed to sit here and just wait until she calls or texts...

For love, sometimes this hurts so badly. **sigh**

[snow_girl]

No one should tell you who you can and can't hang out with. Is she worried about other girls you hang out with or just that you friends will take you away? You can't just sit and home and twiddle your thumbs to make her happy, you need to have a life outside her and her saying that she doesn't hang out with friends cause she is committed to the relationship is creepy and she needs to have friends and get out once and a while. I don't have much advice to offer but don't let someone control your life, you only get one, make it your own.

[lala]

I can just talk from the position of a gf, which is jealous at the moment I can understand why she doesn't want you to go out with friends,as I'm sure she loves you soo much and is afraid of losing you.BUT she should trust you more..and it's not ok to keep you away from your friends! You have to tell her how you feel. Have you ever done something that she mistrust you now?

[WillowFaith]

I don"t think I have. She's cheated on me several times in the past... I sometimes wonder if her guilt makes her accuse me.

[SquishyLove]

Your girlfriend's behavior concerns me, and I feel that wanting to have that much control over your life is a sign that she could be abusive in other ways down the road (and being controlling, as well as accusing you of not loving her, etc. because you don't want to comply with her very unreasonable demands IS a form of abuse, don't let anyone tell you otherwise). It's not just jealousy when she is basically telling you that you aren't allowed to have friends and is trying to dictate how you spend your time. I'd think this over seriously. Honestly, I would never put up with this kind of behavior from a SO myself. You wanting your own life and friends has nothing to do with commitment to her. I've seen relationships where a partner tried to control the other partner, and it never ends well. Good luck to you, and I wish you the best.

---------- Post added at 05:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:50 PM ----------

I don"t think I have. She's cheated on me several times in the past... I sometimes wonder if her guilt makes her accuse me.

You don't have to wonder...the answer is right in front of you. Most cheaters expect to be cheated on and are extremely jealous. Most cheaters can dish it out, but they can't take it. Cheating is also a form of abuse. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you are on the receiving end of abuse from your partner. Only you can put a stop to it, too. I really hope for the best for you! *HUGS*

[Softy]

Lots of things in there.

First of all, no one should be 'commanded' to not see his/her friends, this is not healthy.

I am a person that used to be very jealous of everything and nothing.
And with years I realized it came from my own insecurity and me not being at peace with myself.
Most of the time, jealousy comes from that and/or bad past experiences and also a lack of maturity.

But when you love someone you must trust him/her.

Recently I has issues with a my bf's ex still hanging around him.
Do I like it? No, of course not. It did bother me but I talked with my bf and told him I was worried.
But I will NEVER EVER tell him what to do, yes I can voice my opinion but it's up to him.

A successful relationship (especially long distance one) MUST be based on TRUST.
If you don't have that, it will create many problems along the way.

I'd say talk to her about it, tell her you love her and that you need to see your friends.
Tell her you will text/call her when you get home.

Let us know how it goes.

cheers

[Moon]

Wow, this is unhealthy You need to ask yourself if you're really willing to be under that much control all of the time, then ask yourself why you're with her. Love doesn't work this way, and it certainly doesn't conquer all, if you aren't happy, what's the use?

If she is determined to control you like this, I can't see the possibility of a good outcome here, I'm really sorry about that. Why should you have to pay (again) for her cheating and guilty conscience? Where is the respect and fairness to you? I know it's extremely hard, but I sincerely think you're much better off waking away from this now, while you still have some dignity and self-esteem. I know that sounds harsh, but there are so many other girls out there who won't make you pay for their mistakes, and will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.

There is never any excuse for this kind of extreme behavior, something is very wrong here and she needs some serious professional help before she can be in a normal relationship.

[Zapookie]

Woah, she does live up to the controlling girlfriend stereotype doesn't she? You need to get out of there. She clearly has no respect for you and she doesn't trust you. This relationship isn't going anywhere good and if you let it continue it may just get worse. She'd probably slap you silly if she saw you looking at a girl twice.

Don't let her do this to you. Your significant other should be someone who compliments your life, not controls it.

[kat4301]

I think lots of us would think we are open and have a strong relationship, but LDR really can make you act a little extreme. I have been this person similar to your gf and I can tell you its a very hard pattern to break. If I was you, I would try to reframe her jealousy as a behavior saying that she needs a lot of reassurance. Keep in mind that old reminders such as a body language, the way you look at her, the nonverbal is all gone. We have nothing to reassure us except for what we say. It feels silly and akward but it can go a long way to really point out why you are happy in your relationship to your gf. We have little control over things in an LDR and therefore we grasp at any control we can get. I found that letting go of that control can be super hard, and it really took some help from my SO.

[Hololz]

When you're out with friends, do you keep in contact with her via text message or whatever other means of communication phones these days allow? I only ask becuase I know in the past my SO has made me feel really guilty for hanging out with friends instead of talking with him etc, but we worked out all that was needed was a little communication on my part. I would get so engrossed in conversations/activites that I kind of would forget to get in contact with him. Just a simple, "I'm thinking of you" from me would have sufficed. He didnt need to be updated on my every move. He just needed to know he wasnt forgotten about because all of a sudden a shiney new friend appeared.

On the other hand, what you have described does sound like very controlling, unacceptable behaviour. Its easy for me to say its not something I would stand for if my SO was controlling in that way towards me, but its a very different thing to actually make that stand. Maybe she doesnt realise how controlling she is being? You need to tell her. Dont give into to her every demand just to make her happy. Relationships are about compromise.

[SquishyLove]

Wow, this is unhealthy You need to ask yourself if you're really willing to be under that much control all of the time, then ask yourself why you're with her. Love doesn't work this way, and it certainly doesn't conquer all, if you aren't happy, what's the use?

If she is determined to control you like this, I can't see the possibility of a good outcome here, I'm really sorry about that. Why should you have to pay (again) for her cheating and guilty conscience? Where is the respect and fairness to you? I know it's extremely hard, but I sincerely think you're much better off waking away from this now, while you still have some dignity and self-esteem. I know that sounds harsh, but there are so many other girls out there who won't make you pay for their mistakes, and will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.

There is never any excuse for this kind of extreme behavior, something is very wrong here and she needs some serious professional help before she can be in a normal relationship.

I so agree with this! I really cannot agree that there is any valid excuse for the behavior your SO is presenting to you. I also don't mean to sound harsh, but this situation is not healthy at all, and I think you're better off getting away. True love doesn't feel like that, and a person who truly loves you wouldn't treat you this way at all!

[LoveL]

I don"t think I have. She's cheated on me several times in the past... I sometimes wonder if her guilt makes her accuse me.

This is called projection.

She's taking her own short comings, and her own lack of commitment and placing it on you.
She can't control herself in public or with other people so she can't understand how you are able to do that.

Ultimatums do not work in relationships where two people actually care and have mutual respect for each other. "Do this, or I am leaving you." "You don't love me if you do this."

Talk with her about it again. Bring up the cheating thing and how you think she's refocusing that on you. Have you ever cheated on her? You said she has done this several times, why are you with her again?

Not to be harsh, but if it happened one time, while still being too much, can be forgiven. Twice and there is a major problem with her. Three times and there is a major problem with you.

Don't stand there and take abuse and think that it's alright because you "love" each other. What she is doing right now is not returning any kind of love. She wants you locked up at home so she can feel like she has complete control over what's going on in your relationship. There are some serious psychological issues going on up there.

Talk to her about it again. Don't stop talking about it until it gets resolves. And if it doesn't get resolved, then the relationship needs to end.

[WillowFaith]

Sh text me while she was at work and said she was sorry and didnt want to argue. i replied that I didnt either, but said again that I wanted friends outside of us. She responded that it was not me texting her. I told her it was and went to sleep expecting her phone call to wake me. Now she hasnt called and she should have last night. Ive called and called her and text her. Ive lost her all because I wouldnt just give in and make her happy. I am such a fool.

[lala]

Sh text me while she was at work and said she was sorry and didnt want to argue. i replied that I didnt either, but said again that I wanted friends outside of us. She responded that it was not me texting her. I told her it was and went to sleep expecting her phone call to wake me. Now she hasnt called and she should have last night. Ive called and called her and text her. Ive lost her all because I wouldnt just give in and make her happy. I am such a fool.

ok so I see myself jealous too, but I'm scorpion (astrology) and that's just my nature haha, but like the others said she has NO right to act like this! You both should have lives outside your relationship and she should respect that! No need to call yourself a fool- she is the fool!

[Moon]

Sh text me while she was at work and said she was sorry and didnt want to argue. i replied that I didnt either, but said again that I wanted friends outside of us. She responded that it was not me texting her. I told her it was and went to sleep expecting her phone call to wake me. Now she hasnt called and she should have last night. Ive called and called her and text her. Ive lost her all because I wouldnt just give in and make her happy. I am such a fool.

You are only a fool if you do give in to this ridiculous request.