Social presure?

So I have a guy friend in an LDR too, our SO's live in the same place even, so we kind of get along when it comes to that and we undestrand each other when it comes to loyalty, patience, etc. Today we were talking about these matters when a group of friends bumped into us and they joined the conversation. What began like you typical conversation about your relationship ended up as some of them telling us we should cheat on our partners, keep secret relationships or at least have friends with benefits.

I've never felt the need to do any of those and neither has my friend, but the moment was still very very awkward... I don't know, it was just uncomfortable to have people telling me that and saying it was "necessary". Since my friend is the guy, he got more pressure from the others and I could slip away from that situation (stayed there just as moral help to my friend, so he did not have to stand alone).

I do not even consider cheating, what's got me thinking is this social pressure thing. I had never felt it before when it came to relationships. Has any of you gotten it? Is it normal for people to be that annoying? What do you reply to these people?

[katylynnlee]

I have heard this many times. Like, "Well how will they ever find out?" comes up in conversations. But it just makes me sick, actually. To think that they think just because the person lives far away, means that you can live a double life and date other people or fool around with other people. It's disrespectful to yourself and your SO, but a lot of people seem to think we're just dating to date or something. That it's not an actual connection because you live so far away.

I have talked to a lot of boys that live here, and none of them made me feel the way my SO does. Sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone, but that doesn't mean that it's okay not to tell them things because they won't find out. Ridiculous.

**I'm not saying your friends are bad people, but my experiences have made me realize how people act towards long distance relationships. Truth is, everyone is stuck in the past and even dating sites are advertising that 4 out of 5 relationships begin online. Well, why let distance be a barrier?

[Deleted]

I just found it annoying... also, it was kind of frustrating to get to know that it's been that what they've been thinking of us the whole year i've been with my SO.

For me, it's pretty lame to talk about cheating just because of distance. Please. If people want to cheat, they just will, no matter if they live away or not. It makes me sick when I am told "love from afar, and 4 are happy" (I'm kind of translating a spanish saying I'm always told...) Like, does that mean if they went long distance, they are assuring they would cheat? For me that's not right at all. Then I was told "oh you're young, you've got time for those things now". A girl even said "having an affair outside of my relationship is among my to-do list before getting married!" I'm kind of disappointed of people...maybe I sound too naive but i believed they valued relationships just a little more...

I know there are different kinds relationships...like open ones where they can date others or even have sex... so I won't be really discussing that, it depends a lot on the couple. But why would other people **want** you to cheat? as if it was their business anyways... I've been told negative opinions on LDRs and it is what I expect from mos people, but really...presure to cheat? That's another level.

[Haley53]

I've received these comments and heard them in the form of warnings in relation to my SO as well. :/

I really am not sure if I understand why there's such a double standard, that cheating within a CDR means you're with an asshole and you deserve more (or you are the asshole) but cheating in a LDR is almost condoned. That being said, I have heard more of the warnings than I have people encouraging me to consider sleeping with someone else or cheating and not telling in order to relieve how horny I may be at a given moment. I'm guessing it's because he's male and there's such a stigma around men and the male sex drive. There's one around women and female sex drives as well, but it's not as salient. It's as though people don't understand the meaning of "self-control" or "respect" or even "choice." If either my partner or I couldn't go without sex for x-amount of time, we wouldn't be together, simple as that. Some people place more value and importance on physical attraction and interaction than others, and I think it's easy to do when it's available to you. I generally find, however, that the warnings/comments I'm receiving make sense from the people they're coming from.

[Lilly9886]

My bf is from México and he heard the saying you mentioned ("love from afar, and 4 are happy") a couple of times from his friends... but that was before they met me..

Since then, nobody ever said anything more about it...

So my question, do your friends know your SO already?
Maybe it's more "easy" for them to understand your relationship and the closeness when they've seen you together?

[CanadianGirl]

While no one's ever tried to say that I should cheat, they can be pretty casual about telling me that my SO could be cheating and I'd never know (mom and my closest friends). It's a good thing to say if you want to see me angry as hell.

I'm willing to say that they simply can't understand what a true relationship is like. Somehow they've gotten into their heads that everyone cheats and that it's not truly going to hurt their partner, because they're doing it too =/. On top of that, it can be hard to understand how it feels to love someone you can't physically be with all the time. Before meeting my SO, I couldn't imagine being satisfied in an LDR either.

They're being ignorant and there's not much to truly change their minds, so just try to ignore them. I agree with Lilly9886, I definitely stopped hearing comments after my mother and friends actually saw us together.

If anything, those comments just make me feel closer to my SO and grateful for LFAD

[Softy]

Oh Ive heard that soooooooooo many times.
A lot of people think that LDR cannot work.

I have friends that are still trying to convince me to give up.
Even I talk to some friends about my bf and they reply: 'Oh, but it's not a real bf, he's like super far...'
Some ppl say it's impossible to not cheat or be cheated on while on a LDR.
A lot of them thinks it's simply a crush and is meant to fail, telling me LDR always end up badly.

All of the comments sometimes do get to me a tad...
It makes me sad, why can't ppl just be happy for me?
Why can't ppl wait and see before judging.

Anyways, I do trust my man and I love him so much.
I never and never let comments like that affect our relationship.
Yes sometimes it's harsh, but we both know we can make it and will prove all those ppl wrong

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm lucky. My friends, as soon as they saw me and my SO together, understood why we're doing this. However, I suspect my SOs friends aren't as understanding. I know they tried to persuade him that closing the distance was a bad idea (he's planning to come here for his last year uni, and the official byline is that he can get more connections here than where he is now (which is actually true)) especially when he was honest and said that he wanted to come here for me.
One of the differences is that I'm at uni, and I live with my closest friends, and he spent eight weeks living with me (and consequently also my friends) so they got a pretty good, intensive look at how our relationship works. My friends from my parent's home are accpeting because they've known how long we've been friends, and they're pretty laid back about it. My SOs friends met me a handful of times over six months, so I don't think they've seen it the same way. It kinda upsets me that they put pressure on him to behave in a way that they think is acceptable, without actually having any experience of his situation.
My friend Al found a really good quote recently that I think applies to this situation "Closed minds should have closed mouths".

[efish1042]

It came up once or twice. A guy or two has tried to hit on me and when I say I'm in a relationship their response is "Well I don't see him," or "He's in another city? So you're single." I just blow them off.
My SO had an acquaintance try to hook him up one night (different area code, man!) but he just rolled his eyes, flashed out ring at the girls and then the acquaintance couldn't even get laid that night.
Most of the social pressure to disrespect our relationship actually came from his parents. They literally tried to get him to check other girls out when they were out together and encouraged him to date around, date girls local, date girls his age. Thankfully, as of this last visit, they've backed off. Since I'm going to college next fall at the same university he's at they've accepted it. But I wanted to strangle his mom some days.
I was in his room with him once when they came home. They hadn't seen my car and we had just gotten back from an important ceremony for me. His mom yells to him, "You should have come! It was so fun! I mean, I know your friend had that thing, but there was this famous track runner there! She was really pretty! I wish you could have met her!" I almost walked out and slapped her... but I didn't! I pretended I hadn't heard.
Thankfully things are fine now and we're almost about to close the distance anyway. But we've not really had a problem from our friends about it. They think we're crazy, but they respect our commitment.

[Malaga]

It actually never came up until just today, incidentally. My mother's friend asked sort of semi-seriously, why don't I get someone on the side. "I mean what do you do anyway while he's there and you're here? You got to have some fun!" lol
Especially as he hasn't proposed by now. ("Really? He hasn't yet?...")

I didn't see it as a pressure or an uncomfortable situation, I took it as a joke more than anything else. Why should I take her opinion seriously anyway? She has no influence on our relationship, plus her daughter is my age and divorced with two small children. So she of all people should know the importance of not rushing it.

I'm guessing it's because he's male and there's such a stigma around men and the male sex drive.

Yeah. My boyfriend was celibate for over 2 years between relationships. His friends started suspecting he was gay. So whenever anyone tries to pull the "but he's male = horny" card, it makes me laugh as they've obviously no idea what they're talking about.

[Zephii]

Sadly, it isn't just LDRs.

When Obi's boys flew down for our wedding, two of them were single, and one was in a CD relationship but his gf didn't fly down with him. On several occasions his mates put pressure on him to cheat while he was on holiday because "she'll never know". Uhm, yes she would, I'd bloody tell her! >.> But anyway...
He didn't of course, but I was horrified. I wonder what they say to Obi when I'm not there. (Granted, they like me, and they don't like her, but still....)

[Deleted]

Eclaire
I guess people don’t get the lack of physical contact thing. As you said, one does not go LDR if they know they can’t be without sex for x-amount of time. But people in LDR know, or at least believe, that while the physical aspect is beautiful and enjoyable, it is not the only aspect of love. I was talking today to a girl who is supportive with my relationship and she says she respects me a lot for being strong enough for it, but she says she would be unable to. She would not cheat, she’d rather never be in a relationship like this.
Cheating and friends with benefits (which inside a relationship I also consider as cheating) make sense with those who seek something else in relationships. There are people who get involved in relationships to have fun and spend time, not really because they love their partners. I guess it makes sense from them…

Lilly9886
What you say makes a lot of sense. Now that I think of it there are friends who changed their view on my relationship when they met my SO in his October visit. I guess they need to see it to believe it!
PS. I’m from Mexico, I’ve heard aaaall of the LDR sentences. Where in Mexico is your SO from?

CanadianGirl
It’s all about understanding indeed. I won’t lie saying I was always like this about LDR. I never thought it was impossible because I’ve been kind of idealistic since I was born so I’ve always believed in fairytale-like situations like this in which love makes its way through storms. But I did say I would never want to be in one! Irony strikes again.
But it’s kind of hard for most people to get it. The guys who were putting this pressure on me are your typical social friends who know every person of the generation in the city and so they see a lot of relationships start and fail. I do not know that many people and those I know are way older…married and with children even and I grew up knowing LDR can work, and they never cheated on each other. I’m not the first in the family, both from mother’s and father’s side… LDR runs in our blood! :P

Softy
Sometimes I do not get why people want people in LDR to give up, unless they see this person constantly crying or looking sad. I look happy, I’ve been told a way to make me smile any day is to make me speak about my SO. I really trust him and he trusts me 100% too.
I used to be affected by comments but not anymore…they are still annoying though. I wonder if there is some envy involved, sometimes I feel there is, specially since all of those who say this things are not in any relationship.

[Softy]

Aurora

Well for me, I can see 3 'groups' of ppl around me that don't want me to pursue that LDR.

Those who are jealous.... Most of them are guy friends and even one of them clearly said to me: 'Why him? I mean we went to the movies, had dinner and yet you pick a guy that is far away that you don't even know that well instead of me who lives 15 min from your place? Why?' I also got a friend that purely told me: 'It's meant to fail, just saying LDR don't work, never did and never will'. But I know that guy is currently into a relationship that is not working too well.

Another 'group' is people that care for me, they are just scared that the LDR is too hard to cope with. They mostly want to see me happy and are worried that my bf never makes 'the move' to come and live with me. Most of them just heard so many rumors about LDR that they are worried for me. I don't think they are intentionally mean, but they don't know how to react with all this.

And then, older ppl, who are closed minded or don't know any better.
Recently my grand-mother asked me if I had a bf yet, I said yes but he's not living in the country.
Her eyes opened like this O__O <--- And she said: 'So he is not a real bf' And I replied: ' Yes he is, and he takes better care of me than any bf I ever had, don't worry he's a good guy.'
And she was confused of how could a relationship like this works. Because when she was young, it did not exist... At least not as much as nowadays.
Before, she was living in a small town and most of the time, they were getting 'arranged marriage'.

My best friend said to me: 'Omg you look so happy, I'm glad to see you like that and so smiling! It's great!'

So I'm guessing its best to focus on positive comments

[Deleted]

I used to have people who care for me tell me about it, specially my mother. But now they see I'm so happy with my SO that they no longer insist on it. They would before, when he left (we began CD) and I would cry once in a while.

I get those jealous ones too... there was one who liked me and he would always try to give me a thousand reasons to break up.

But about older people... I mentionned in a earlier post that I come from a family where I'm not the first one though this. My granda even had a time when she would see her husband just once every month or so, because of work. I have aunts and uncles who had their relationships that way too, so in that aspect I do get support from older people, fortunately.

I feel glad I'm in an era where it is easier!