Hot and Cold

[katylynnlee]

I keep reposting old threads, so if I do it again, I'm sorry!

I just got back from visiting my SO, and things went so great. But now that I'm home, I'm going through the same feelings of uncertainty and stress that I had before I left. I'm hoping it's just a passing phase. I just feel like our connection gets lost in the miles, and though I'm grateful enough to get to talk to him every day, I just never seem to feel it's enough. We're always distracted, him with his games and me with tv or school, something.

I am moving there soon, which should help ease the worry. But it doesn't. I worry if we're meant for each other. I worry if he likes me. I worry what my family thinks. I worry that we don't talk enough. I don't know what is normal, because nothing about our relationship has been exactly... normal.

I realize I come on here and whine a lot. But you're the first people who actually UNDERSTAND where I'm coming from and have been through it. I'm just not sure how to get over these feelings, because I love my SO and when we're together, it's great. But lately, we've been more "touchy" people (I don't know any other way to put it). As in, when we're together, we can hug and snuggle.. talk about stuff that we did that day. But when we're apart, it's like... we don't really do much. Nothing to talk about, and the physical part isn't there.

We've been doing this LDR for almost 2 years, and for some reason, it feels different now. HELP ME, oh wise ones! :P

[Captivated]

Conversations can get stagnant quickly in LDRs...as I'm finding out. Have you tried some of the things suggested on this site to do with your bf? Check 'em out if you haven't...some may actually relieve the "boredom" I think we all go through from time to time.

I can relate. When my fiance and I are together physically, all is smooth, conversation is abundant...great stuff. But 5 days after seeing him, we're back to the long pauses on MSN, him playing xBox...maybe in some ways it is normal? Both of us don't have a lot going on in our lives at the moment and we've talked about various topics in great detail at the start of our relationship...what now?

Tonight we did a jigsaw puzzle...those always seem to be fun.

Have you tried talking to your SO about this? I've talked to mine and it seemed to help...although I understand now that we can't be full of intelligent conversation every day...but I guess now we're just more comfortable with the lack thereof, if that makes any sense...?

[Minerva]

We get that way too. When all you have is talking, you run out of things to talk about. We tend to be plugged in all day long, so even when something interesting happens to one of us, we tell each other right away. So it's not like we have anything to talk about at the "end of the day" (around 6pm my time when he goes to bed).

In a close distance relationship, there are a lot of quiet moments: watching TV, watching movies, just sitting around on the couch while you read. But when your entire relationship is based on talking, you have no quiet times, and there's this need to fill the spaces.

We just don't try to fill them anymore. We talk if we want or need to. Otherwise we just look at each other on Skype, grinning like idiots. Or we send each other pictures of cats (he does that more than me, something I adore about him, hehe). Or we just do our thing while staying plugged in and sending *snuggles* to each other every once in a while.

You can try playing games together (we do Words With Friends, some people play WoW, etc), you can watch TV or movies at the same time over Skype, or you can just set up Skype and go about your day together. But do know quiet times are pretty normal.

[Amatory]

Every relationship goes through this. It's part of the journey just as much as the famous "honeymoon" phase is. Just don't let you guys get into a routine and you'll push through!

[LeilaniJoi]

We went through this too before i moved, lots of time just hanging out on cam, sometimes talking but more time just watching a movie or doing our own thing. One of my favorite nights was just kicked back on skype while he very quietly plucked a tune on the guitar... then him catching me watching and his eyes lighting up as he realized i was watching and smiled and said very softly..i love you.

Now we sit on the couch and watch movies while he sketches or thinker and i draw or crochet. Quiet time is part of a healthy relationship and there is something satisfying about just "being" with some one you love.

[princessmeg1328]

My SO and I have gone through this every so often too. One way we help to combat this is by not talking everyday. We usually skype every other day. That way, we know there will be something to talk about. It always seems to be harder to get back into the swing of things (skype, talking on the phone, whatever), but it's something you have to do. If you don't have very much going, read a book and tell him about it. You could even start a book club type thing where you both read the same book and discuss. I agree with Captivated. Look at the list of things to do. I'm sure there's something there will catch your eye.
If worse come to worse, you can always just enjoy spending the quiet time together. Some of my favorite moments skyping with my fiance have come from the quiet moments where I just look at him and see all of the love he has for me in his eyes. Sometimes, it's really the little things like that that make the best skype conversations.

[Malaga]

Yesterday was one of such Skype sessions for us. We were both kind of tired but still wanted to see each other, and it was just hard to find things to talk about. It might've been awkward at some earlier stage in the relationship, I might've worried we're losing the touch or whatever. But not anymore. It was quite sweet actually, in our dorky way.

The fact you make that effort to stay in touch means you do enjoy each other's company and have a need for each other. It can't go smoothly all the time, sometimes words just get lost along the way.

[Softy]

To have so 'quiet times' is normal and is perfectly healthy in a relationship.
Maybe it feels a lil more 'heavy' on us because it's a LDR?
Maybe we put too much emphasis on it because we miss our other half so much, but we really shouldn't.

And if you are meant to be or not, only time will tell.
Only when you live with the person for a while that you can really get to know him/her.
That's the best way you will know.

Until then, keep busy, think positive and don't let little things get to you

[LoveL]

If your biggest distractions include X-box and Tv, then count yourself lucky. Those things can be turned off when they need to be.

There will be times when you have to do something that doesnt involve him and there will be times when he has to do something that doesn't involve you.
There will also be some personal times that you guys might want to have throughout the day. If you need to veg out and watch an hour of Tv or something, then that's fine. If he needs some macho-explosive-guts-on-the-screen X-box live shoot-em-up time, then that's ok too.

Once you get that stuff out of your system, come back together and you'll find that you now miraculously have things to talk about.

[FierceFoxie]

I am glad you posted this. This very thing is why I even searched and found this forum. I was wondering how often should I be expecting my BF to call or text me. he used to call me about 2x a week and so far this week it has been me that's making the effort in the evenings (except his quick call on Monday during his lunch hour in which he was telling me that he got a job interview in a town closer to me). The texting has been getting less frequent too. he texts me every morning to say "Good morning" and I will respond and then either we don't text again until later in the evening or we might exchange 1-2 more quick ones through out the day.

As I was reading the other responses here, I am glad to see that many are saying that talking 2-3x a week is best that way you have things to talk about. And now I realize there is bound to be moments in which you have nothing to talk about because of talking so much already the day before.

Anyhow, just wanted to say that you are definitely not alone on this issue.