More parents issues. Advice please?

[Amatory]

I am completely beside myself.

The ticket is bought. For in 2 weeks.
I am going to see him. This is not debatable in my mind.

What I told my parents: (a month ago) I'm going to England to see my SO. I'll be there for two weeks.
What they assumed: Either I would give up without their support, they would talk me out of it, or worse yet, they would go with me.

So when I told my dad I bought the ticket, he flipped his shit. He was screaming at the top of his lungs and telling me that I was going to be murdered, naming off names of girls who have been murdered or kidnapped when going on vacation alone. He scared me so much that I had a severe panic attack and sliced my own arm open with me nails, but he still just yelled.

He said if I go through with this, I'm going to tear the family apart, I'm going to be severing my relationship with them.

But thats just it... I don't have a relationship with them. They pay my bills. I live in the house. That's about it. Now that I have a job, I'm very much considering just.. leaving. Moving out as soon as I get back from the UK.

I just.. don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to do anything on my own. I can figure it all out of course, but my parents taught me next to nothing. x_x

[Sora1101]

If you can really afford to move out I think you should do so, living with people who make you uncomfortable or are abusive, mentally or physically, isn't good for you. I suggest sitting down and working out a budget to see exactly how much it would cost you to live on your own, include everything from rent, utilities, food, cleaning supplies, furniture etc. and I suggest having your SO show you some things you don't know how to do while your there and try to start doing things on your own for practice. If you can get all of that done and taken care of I see no reason for you to stay in a home with people who scream and yell at you, it's not worth it even if they are your parents.

[snow_girl]

I've traveled alone several times, it really isn't scary, just make sure to always be aware of your surroundings. I feel like your Dad saying it will tear the family apart is a little over dramatic, but I'm sure its not easy to have to sit there and listen to. If you say you don't have a relationship with them then I'd go to the UK. Do you have any friends you could come out with when you get back? That always cuts down on costs to live with someone. I don't really have advice, just sorry you have to deal with that.

[lala]

well I'm sorry to heart that again with your parents
My dad would be probably the same..or I think even worse.. He freaked out when I went to a town (two hours away from where I live) with some good friends and had to tell him that I will stay over night cause the guys can't drive back this day. St this time I was 20..
Some dads are just like this... he is afraid that someting could happen to you. of course it is not right to behave like this and you should fight for your right. he will calm down when he sees how grown up you are and that you can live your own life!

[iakai]

Yeah travelling alone isn't that scary, as snow_girl says, just plan ahead - know if you're SO will come to pick you up from the airport or else you need a planned out route to go to etc.. Then that's usually quite alright, use common sense like your gut instinct about strangers and don't wander around in the middle of the night.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your family as well I can understand why he would have such a huge reaction because you are young after all. (I know, not that young, but if your parents are protective then they will see you as being young!) Have you tried talking to him about it since? Would it be an option for one of your parents to come along this once? I don't support abusive families at all but if your dad really is just concerned then maybe it's worth giving it a shot of talking it out.

If talking never works and you can actually handle the budget of moving out, it might be beneficial to both you and your parents when they see you can handle yourself out there.

Well all the best and stay strong!

[Softy]

It's normal for parents to worry, if they would be like 'Cool, fine. Leave and have fun over there' THEN you would have to worry.
Of course traveling alone and meeting someone for the 1st time is something that can be scary for the people around you.

Just make sure they have an address of where you are going.
Tell them you will call them every day. Tell them it will be ok and that you will make sure to keep contact with them and you will tell all about it when you come back.
If you can ( and want to) you can have your SO or his parents talk to your parents on the phone.
Just to reassure them that all will be fine.

Also keep us posted

[LoveL]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that your dad's only experience with the world outside of the USA is what he sees in the news and other media coverage.
We Americans tend to have a higher distrust of people in general and an even higher amount of paranoia when it comes to foreign countries and things outside of our borders. I would bet money that he has never traveled abroad.

Being from the Mid-West and having this attitude, I would say he may not have even traveled much futher than a few hundred miles in either direction from your home..... That's just pure speculation though. I could be wrong.

Anyway, you need to absolutely leave their house. It's time to get out.
You've posted before about their behavior and your relationship.

You certainly need to respect them, as you are all adults in this case but you also need to jump from the nest and see if you can fly. Doing so will require that you give up certain comforts that you have gotten used to while living at home. Your quality of life and level of comfort isn't going to be the same as it was when you were with them. Depending on what you make, you will have to give up some luxuries. But so what? Independence and peace of mind and the ability to be yourself is certainly worth more than the current situation you are living in.

Rule #1 for leaving home for the first time is to simply accept the life that you can provide for yourself based on your income.
- Do not live outside your means.
Never spend more than you make. If that means eating macaroni and cheese or ramen noodles every night for a little while, then do it. If that means downgrading your cell phone from a smart phone to a basic line, then do it. If that means not buying new clothes or things as often as you did before, then do it. If that means no more movie nights with friends until you get your feet underneath you a little better, then do it.

You only have so much money and that is what you need to learn to live on. The last thing you want to do, in showing your parents that you are growing up and that you aren't a little girl anymore is to run back to them every two months with a sob story about how you need to borrow some money from them.

Your sacrifices will be worth it. And it's a necessary part of stepping out.

Go for it. Chin up and face forward.

[carolynred]

I agree with the others that traveling alone is not that scary if you just prepare yourself with information on where you're going, how to go about, etc. Just tell your family where you are going and how to contact you in case of emergencies.

Parents do not have to agree with everything their child does, but they should still be willing to sit down and talk things out. Try and see if you can get a good meeting time and talk it out when everyone has cooled off. I really think for your best interest, it would be best to move out though. My SO was in a very similar situation as you. He moved out to live with his sister and has never looked back. Of course, he loves his mother and step father, but his parents way of going about things caused him so much stress in his life, that he just needed to get out.

I also just made the decision to move out of my dorm in college to a single dorm. While, yes, this is clearly not the same, but I figured it can relate. My roommate would be overly dramatic, yell at me for small things, and gave me my own share of panic attacks. NO ONE needs to go through this type of verbal abuse, including you. While I'm sure your family loves you, causing you panic attacks is unacceptable in my eyes. Try and see if you can contact some friends who are familiar with this moving situation if possible, it sounds like you have the funding and capabilities to be on your own.

Keep us updated ok? Our thoughts go out to you

[inlovewithYounes]

Seems a little bit like what I will have to face at some point. I'm going to visit my bf this summer for hopefully 2 weeks and I know my parents won't react very well to it at all. So I am just going to tell them that I am going on vacation with one of my girl friends. It is summer after all. I don't like lying to them though :/ .... then once I have saved up enough money, I am moving out and telling my family all about him. You really have to do what is best for yourself. Your parents love you and are trying to protect you, they just are a little overprotective like mine. You're a grown up and can provide for yourself. Everyone will probably have to at some point. It is scary though stepping out at 1st!

I'm sorry you have to go through that. it really sucks and you wish that if anything, they would just help you and be understanding. Maybe help you plan it out so that they know how you are, maybe talk to the guy to feel comfortable, ect. Your dad shouldnt be reacting that way but he is and you can't do anything to change it. Maybe just try sitting down and say that you are going and if they are worried then lets sit down and plan it out together and everyone will feel a LITTLE better with the situation.

Please though, Don't be afraid. Just plan the trip out, make sure people know the plans/details so they can know where you are. Everything really will be okay!

[Moon]

I normally wouldn't encourage a 19 year old to move out, the world can be a mean and scary place on your own, but in your case, if you can truly afford to do it, I think you should. It won't be easy by any means, but you might find the independence very worth it. Not all parents and kids are gonna see eye-to-eye, and not everyone is good at communicating and compromising, especially parents who are too afraid to see their grown children as adults, and capable of spreading their wings and making their own mistakes. Parents just want to protect, but they're sometimes horrible at it, and that's not helping anybody. You get terrified as your kids turn into grown ups, I know, my daughter is 23, so been there, done that

It sounds like you and your parents are on such different pages that it's simply no longer healthy for either of you, and sometimes that's just how it ends up. Your dad is completely ridiculous in stating that a little trip to England, a place zillions of Americans go to safely every day, one of the biggest tourist traps in the world, is going to tear your family apart and sever relations. Utterly ridiculous. Has he always been such a drama queen? At 19, you SHOULD be going out and experiencing stuff, it's what you're supposed to do, and if your parents are insistent on keeping you locked into one place, you've got to try doing it on your own, I guess.

Maybe let them know that you are considering moving out over this, as you are a young adult, and see if they back down? I don't know though, that could backfire on you, so be careful and mature about it. Anyway, go to England and have fun, see what the fallout really is, then decide if you should go or not. Whatever happens, good luck, and keep us posted!

[kirbycat]

I don't really have any advice that hasn't already been offered, except to say that when you do go to England, you might consider making the effort to call your family every day just to check in and let them know how you're doing. You probably won't want to talk to them every day, but at least it'll show your dad that you respect his concerns. Even if he is flipping an unnecessary amount of shit right now.

Has your dad interacted with your boyfriend at all? If not, it might be a good idea to have them speak over Skype or on the phone before you go (if they're both willing), just so he can see that you're not actually flying into the arms of some psycho predator.

I'm from the Midwest too, and have had a lot of friends with similar family situations. As much as I love this part of the country, it does seem to be one downfall of being in the center of the US and so far from the rest of the world. Good for you for taking the initiative to improve your situation and follow what you want. Hang in there and keep it up!

[LoveJ]

Take it from someone who is nearing 30 and still has a parent who thinks it's awesome to throw out every possible negative scenario in the book and criticize all of my decisions. There comes a point where you need to tell your parents that your decisions in life, and what you want to do with it, are yours to make alone. Sure, they're your parents, but the point of children growing up is to venture out on their own and be their own people. If they can't respect your decisions and acknowledge that you're going to make your own choices, it's best that you put yourself in an environment where you're not stifled by their controlling forces anymore (provided you're of legal age to be on your own).

[Minerva]

When I was 15, I took a trip to England with a bunch of other teenagers. We had chaperons, but a lot of the time it was me and my friend Patty on our own in London, Stratford-upon-Avon, Cambridge, on a train from London to Oxford etc. Shocked my mom when I told her about it! Now I'm not suggesting kids should be let loose by themselves in foreign lands, but my point is England is hardly a dangerous country. A couple of years ago, I spent 2 weeks on my own in England, driving all over the West Country, staying in hotels and wandering around quaint seaside villages. Best time of my life. England is probably the best country for a young single American to visit on her own: there's low crime, we share a language, and the British on the whole welcome Americans. Yes there's crime, but there's crime anywhere. Just be smart, same as you would if traveling by yourself at home.

However, parents are still parents. I'm a divorced single mom and experienced traveler, and my mom was still nervous about me traveling to be with my SO the first time -- and she'd already met him! No matter how old you are, your parents will worry.

But they do seem a bit over the top. You're an adult, and people your age leave home every day to go to colleges all over the world. If they can't let go, and if your relationship with them is toxic, then yes, if you can, move out. It won't be easy, and you might be trading one kind of stress for another, but at least you'll be in control of your own life.

Best of luck.

[Hololz]

Are there any other contacts your paarents have in england that you may be able to contact in an emergency? It may make them feel better if someone they know is close to hand should something go wrong.

I come from the UK and its really not all that dangerous, as long as you're smart - just like anywhere else really, its not a conflict zone, and there is like ZERO chance of any natural disasters. Where are you going in the UK just out of curiosity?

Good luck!

(P.s. I moved out of home when I was 18 to go to college, I was SO ready to move out, but my parents still had some control over things like my money. During my second year of college I asked if I could look after my money instead and they agreed, after seeing how carful I had been during my first year. I was largely finacially independent by that point, but I shared a house which was much cheaper, and I was a student, so I did have to move back home for summer etc. That being said it gave me the confidence to move to a different country and start working full time! P.S I had never travelled anywhere on my own until christmas 2011!!)

[eveningsky]

I've traveled alone many times. Actually, I'm more used to flying alone than with others. I've only flown with others once internationally and those flights were shorter than the others I've flown. When I was studying abroad in the UK, I took a trip around the island of Britain. I would say that it's a much safer place than America (I feel safer walking the streets there than I do here). Just be weary and keep a tight hold of your belongings just in case (nothing bad's ever happened to me though). Most strangers there I found to be helpful, some aren't but as long as you know where you're going, you should get there. They have a good public transportation system and a lot of people take it (the bus or the train) and are alone themselves so you shouldn't be in much danger, especially if your SO is picking you up from the airport.
I agree that you should probably move out and it would be good to find a roommate. The distance from and your show of independence from your parents would be a good way to show them that you're capable of doing things on your own. Although, with the way they reacted, they might not get the message anyway. Just remember the fiscal responsibilities of living on your own.