Really big argument...... the biggest one yet, and I fear ...

I haven't been here for a while. I was testing myself how long until I will need to share, read and be realistic - that it's hard and different to participate in distance relationship. I am saddened.. and unsettled... and what's the word .... I'm just not very good.

It wasn't like flowers and pink sky, but it was normal arguments and they pass fast. Yesterday he came straight from work, and one of first sentences after he called on skype, was I am going out. So before I asked where, he started telling me, this guy he knows called him, some party guy,single guy, called him to give him offer. Some manager at city club/disco/bar is looking for a party photographer....... 5 evenings a week. Party photographer.....

First to mention that he has a great daytime job, with views of going far. He is also a photographer. For now is hobby, and from time to time weddings,very rarely. I understand the urge and love towards the word "photo" and this ticks him inside. But I would never chose, in million years, if I had a choice (and he put me in done fact that he already accepted,that's the worse!!! ) a boyfriend DJ, bartender (talking heavy party clubs). It's not a lifestyle I like and tolerate. I just don't. And it's my point of view of world, and it's my character. It's me. First thing after he told me that he is going talking to this manager to accept ( he made arrangement Friday. Sat to go there) - I said that I don't like it and I don't accept it. And I don't support decision. I support him for everything, always. Not for this. He takes the little time MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM has, and makes it even less, and on top of that ..... making pictures of drunk chicks and their asses out of skirts. I lived that life, 5 years ago. And he - 7! He says obviously he is doing it for extra money FOR US,and that he doesn't care for party and stuff, he just goes there does "job" and comes back.
There is tiny unsettle with jealousy - but I do trust him - it's other people I don't trust. People are mean, and they don't care. And I know chicks who go clubbing. And I know that if he wants to do something - he will - but I don't belive that. It's jsut the though itself of a boyfriend who after a whole week of work instead of trying to spend same more time with HIS GF, is going to some party,alone,to take pictures of drunk 18 year old people, or 30 year old bachelors and chicks like Samantha from SATC.
I don't know if you understand where my unsettling feeling come from. We had such huge argument, in which he just said that he will not understand me, and I told him that I will not like this - and it makes me already unhappy. We spoke until late hours, being both miserable, and in spite of this - he will do it. Starting tonight.

Honestly, I told him this if I knew and he told me when we met - I would never be with him. IT IS LIFESTYLE. I..... lost for words. I am sad. I am deeply very upset. And I told him that for his sake I will "swallow" it ,as he said. But this in no means sayd that I accept. I told him that this will probably change me, and the consequences are on him. We have few months left until fully be togetehr and instead of easier, it gets harder for me. I will leave my country, I already cut so many people and things from my life. I stopped going to SALSA because of preventing him not feeling bad. And i've been going for years. I hope this doesn't hit rock bottom, because I know he loves me, and I love him ....... but I really don't know how to get this.

[Rugger]

Nothing you can say or do is going to stop him from doing something he wants to do. I'm sorry that's just the truth. You basically have two choices in matter like this: 1) you accept it or 2) you break up with him. Holding it over his head is not fair to either of you. It's only going to make you resentful.

Him making you not going to salsa is also wrong. But just because you stopped going for him doesn't mean he's going to stop for you. You should have stood your ground on that, just like he is standing his ground on this.

The other issue with this is trust. There is clearly some problem with trust. Just because he's going to be in those places, doesn't mean he's going to cheat. You can be in a bar with club-going people (most of whom are NOT sluts as you seem to think) and not do anything. He'll be working. I doubt he'll have time to do much else. You have to trust him unless he's given you a reason not to. Trust is the backbone of any relationship, especially LDRs. You have to trust her person your with or you'll be miserable and possibly destroy your relationship purely because you are insecure. '


So to sum this, up you have two options, either this bothers you so badly, you separate or you put this behind you and accept it. The choice is yours. You are the one who has to live with this and him.

[Softy]

Well....
Either you just go with the flow and accept his lifestyle or you leave him and find someone who has a similar lifestyle as yours.
I know... typical boring answer, but it is what it is sweetheart.

Is he cheating on you? No?
He's only taking pictures of party girls...
Of course myself I wouldn't happy if my man was doing that as a hobby or for work.
But if he says he loves you and you love him and all he does is taking pictures, there is nothing wrong in this.
Probably its only that you are not comfy with the fact that he's with party chix all the time and probably he doesn't realize the impact it has on you and your couple.

Now that being said, just to give a bit of my personal opinion (from experience).

I once met a guy, a real sweetheart. He was a break dancer.
We started dating but over the years he changed and started to hang out in goth bars and raves.
He started to be into 'taking pictures' a lot, would come home around 4am and arrange his pictures from the 'night' he had.
Soon people would call him to take pictures at home parties, raves and events.
I would see tons of chix on those pictures, sometimes even chix kissing his cheeks.
We talk about the issue over and over.... And eventually he left me (happy he did).

And well, now I am with a man I love more than anything.
His lifestyle fits more mine and I'm happier than I ever been before.
I'm glad I've found someone who I can be at peace with and he makes me feel good.

I hope you will sort things out and will be happy no matter what is the outcome.


cheers

[Zapookie]

Hmm this is a tough one.

I understand how you feel like you'll have less time to talk. I've been there and it's not fun not being able to talk as much as you'd like. But, it's not as if he's cutting down his time to talk to you to hang out at this club place and have fun with drunk people. He's doing it as a job and he said he is doing it in preparation for when you move there, right?

I used to be part of the club scene. It gets old after a while. And if you ever noticed, the photographers treat it as a job, and don't do it so that they can get drunk and flirt with girls (well the professional ones anyway). They are there to take quality pictures, they're not there to have fun (how fun can it be having drunkies pulling on you to have their picture taken, and being rude about it? I'm sure it gets boring/annoying pretty quickly). They're more focused on whether the lighting in that last picture was good enough, or whether it was an awkward scene so they should do a re-take, or whether they are getting enough diversity in the people they photograph so its not just the same faces appearing every 10th picture. He is also doing this to earn some extra cash. Sure, there are other jobs he could take, but you said he enjoys photography, so in his mind, he thinks "why not put the two together and make money for doing something I love?"

Sure girls might try and flirt with him. But if you trust him, what does it matter? We have no control over other peoples actions, we can only control what we do - so have faith that your boyfriend will be mature about it and brush them off. Think about it. How many faces would he see in one night? Probably a fair few. How many of those will he actually care to notice? Probably none.

Also, how come you quit salsa for him? Did he ask you to, did he have the similar issue to your salsa classes that you do to this new job opportunity?

If he DID have similar issues with your salsa class, I guess maybe you can put it to him that way and explain to him why you felt that you needed to end the classes. But you can't always expect your partner to sacrifice as much. Sure it would be nice, but its up to them if they want to or not. I guess it's not up to us to control our partners decisions.

My boyfriend is a photographer too.. I actually encouraged him to do club photography because you can earn a lot of money doing it, but he didn't want to. I get that it's just a job.

[lala]

I agree with everyone here.. it's about trust..to trust someone is hard,and it's harder when you are in a LDR and it's getting worse id this person is having such a job.. I don't know if I could accept it either..
as for the salsa thing.Did he tell you to stop? If yes, remind me that you did because of him..and now he is doing something that you don't like and won't stop it.. that's not fair!
Like it seems he won't stop with it.. just let time decide if you can live with that or not..

[snow_girl]

I completely agree with Zapookie. Anytime I have ever been to a bar and had my photo taken you don't even see the photogs face, they are there and then you get a card so you can see it online then disappear into the crowd. Their job is different from a bartender they are not there to flirt and make tips and get people to buy drinks, simply to take photos and move on.

[lucybelle]

Did he ask you to stop going to salsa? Or did you just decide to? I think this could be justified to an extent. My SO and I go dancing all the time and he always dances with other girls. But he would never dance a romantic bolero with someone else. Up beat salsa, meringue, cumbia are all fine. But there are some songs that are too romantic to dance with someone else.

Also, I don't think being a party photographer is a big deal. I've never seen anyone flirt with a photographer before. In fact, I do my best to avoid them. Yeah there might be pretty girls in tight clothes, but they could be anywhere. I'm not sure what difference it makes just because he's snapping pictures.

[Ivy]

Yes....
Softy, his lifestyle is just as mine. That's why this ..... sudden thing confused me and got me so speechless. He is not the kind of guy to party,at all. But his friends....... agh,those people ..... and with the little mind men have ( I exaggerate ) they act like this is the last option they have when you give them finger, they just eat the hand....

Salsa........ complicated one this question. But I stopped willingly, because I got like 10 admirers there, he knw about it, I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable every time i go there ( 3 times a week,salsa parties and all) and be sick worried if some dude touched my leg or hand o ass or anything. So, I just decided to stop going. And anyway after I got with him, everyone of those people rejected me like a person,not like a girl, they just decided to stop talking to me...... yea, almost every man in my life did this....

I do encourage his photography but for me this is though one. I don't want to brake my relationship with him, we are just so great together. But this ........ selfishness....... this.... lifestyle is repelling me.....I told him I will just accept it, but I see that it's a bit hard on me. By a bit I mean very hard........ So...even if it's a job, just a job, I am mad at him for cutting our time together to minimum.....and for going to parties all the freaking time. Now I think how I will just go through this .... "temporary" phase - which by the way, for me means a year, and for him may mean 2 years, or 2 weeks. But it's not 2 weeks, it would have been too easy.

I have my state exams coming, I have packing my stuff for my new "home" , I have to get used to the fact that I am leaving city, country and all dear and near. For us. And I don't know what it will end up to be, but I can hope for the best .....
Now he asks me to smile ..... and I don't want to be fake..... I just want to feel better.

Thanks guys for answers, you know it helps. So thanks.

P.s. I did try to tell him about the salsa and why I stopped and all. I guess it just did no good.

[Haley53]

I agree with the others.

On the one hand, I can see where you'd be unhappy with it. You've been a part of the "scene," and having been there, done that, you've learned you don't like it or feel any desire for it anymore. But on the other hand, it's a job, and he's going to have to be professional about it. As Zapookie said, he's not going there to flirt and get drunk. He's not going there with the intention of oogling and oggling and drooling over women. He's going there to take pictures, and he's going to be more focused on making those pictures look good than anything else.

That said, I think you need to work on realising what about it really bothers you. You describe images of some pretty seedy people, but surely not everyone at a club has that aura about them. I know people who go clubbing dressed completely appropriately, simply to dance, have a drink, and have a good time. I have never personally been, but given the diversity that they generally attract, I can't imagine every girl in there is going to be some "slut" simply dying to hang off your boyfriend. :P Is it possible that it brings up memories from where you've been? Things you've done? And as a result, you're worrying your experience (or even his past experiences, if he's shared them) will be recreated?

You also mention trust. There is no "I trust him, but I don't trust other people." There simply isn't. People oftentimes claim it because it makes them/their partner feel better when in the end, if you trust your partner, that's where it both starts and ends. You don't have to trust other people. You have to trust your boyfriend that no matter what other people do, he's going to handle it like someone in a committed relationship would. And as he's saying he's in part doing this to earn money for the both of you, for when you move, I would guess that his intentions are hardly in the wrong place, unless he's given you reason to distrust him with other women. My point is that if you trust your boyfriend, that should be the end of it. If you trust him not to flirt or cheat, then what they try to coerce him into won't matter. It's easy to place the blame on the other woman in the situation when it arises, or even on the imagined other woman, but in the end, people have no one to blame but themselves.

All that aside, I also agree with Rugger in the sense that you can either choose to move on from this or you can leave. It's not fair for you to sit there and seethe. It's not fair on you have to deal with the feelings but it's not fair on him to have to live with your resentment because he took an opportunity to advance his career. There's very little I think anyone should have to give up for their partner, and I can't think of any exceptions immediately. You either decide you can live with it or you decide you're not compatible with the decision and you break it off. :/ Both people need to lead their own lives and that's also where I agree with Rugger: you can't resent him for doing what you should have done (with salsa) but didn't. That said, I think that if he's wanting you to quit salsa or has an issue with you doing salsa, and you're having an issue with him taking pictures at a club... Eh, there are some trust issues that, in my opinion, really need to be sorted out, or else this kind of thing is going to keep happening from both ends. And there is a point you get fed up with it.

---------- Post added at 08:28 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:27 AM ----------

Oops, I posted before I saw yours/the others' (starting from lala) responses. x:

[lala]

hmm well I understand why you are sooo afraid.. but see it positive. with this job he can make more money for your future together.. and as you said you guys are great together, so why should he risk it? plus I'm sure he is not drinking at those partys,cause he's working..so just another reason why you should not worry too much

[Moon]

First, I need to say that the whole "I trust him, I don't trust others" is kinda a bullshit cop-out Sorry, but it is. What you're actually saying is that you don't trust him to say no to other women, otherwise that's all it takes.

Let me tell you about my sister-in-law. Jenn is an accountant who also has a degree in architecture, but her real passion is photography, especially nature. She takes the most stunning photos, just amazing. Anyway, she has been called upon pretty often to photograph events for people, even though she doesn't really like that kind of photography. She takes weddings, parties, kids birthdays and family photos (even though she hates them), bachelor/bachelorette parties, showers, you name it, she'll do it, even when it's not enjoyable to her. She does this because she knows that word-of-mouth is extremely important and that everybody with an DSLR thinks they're a photographer these days, so it's very difficult to get started, even when you clearly have the talent. She's turned her hobby into a very lucrative side job, and knows that if there's ever an opportunity to make the transition full-time, she needs every bit of experience she can get to list on her resume (CV for Europe ). It's crucial, especially for a girl who's an accountant. My brother understands this, and never gives her crap about it. He actually does trust her, even when she's hired to take pics of a bunch of drunks in a bar/club. She's cute too, so she gets hit on a lot, but getting hit on doesn't mean cheating, your boyfriend could get hit on at McDonald's while waiting for his Chicken McNuggets, that's life, it happens, deal with it

You keep mentioning lifestyle. Just because your guy has a job, it doesn't mean that those surroundings are his lifestyle, not at all. It means he's going to work, period. He needs to do that in order to provide for you when you get there, because I'm assuming you don't have a job lined up yet (forgive my assumption if I'm wrong!). You need to get over the environment that the job happens to be in and realize that your boyfriend is doing this in a professional, not a frat boy, capacity. Just because someone walks into a bar doesn't mean they're trying to get laid, and if you honestly trusted him, you'd realize that. I think you need to look into your own insecurities about this, before being so upset over something he's doing to help himself.

[lucybelle]

You keep mentioning lifestyle. Just because your guy has a job, it doesn't mean that those surroundings are his lifestyle, not at all. It means he's going to work, period. He needs to do that in order to provide for you when you get there, because I'm assuming you don't have a job lined up yet (forgive my assumption if I'm wrong!). You need to get over the environment that the job happens to be in and realize that your boyfriend is doing this in a professional, not a frat boy, capacity. Just because someone walks into a bar doesn't mean they're trying to get laid, and if you honestly trusted him, you'd realize that. I think you need to look into your own insecurities about this, before being so upset over something he's doing to help himself.

This is what I was about to say. Going and getting drunk and hitting on girls and clubbing every night is NOT his lifestyle. All he's doing is going into a bar, and taking pictures. If you say he's like you and doesn't do those things, then I bet he'll continue to not do them. He's not going to lose all his morals by being around drunk people. I think it'd be different if he was hanging out with drunks all day for fun because they were his friends. Friends can lead to uncomfortable situations. But these are strangers. This is a JOB. It's like saying a bouncer is living the clubbing lifestyle. No he's not. He just happens to work at a club.

[Ivy]

your boyfriend could get hit on at McDonald's while waiting for his Chicken McNuggets, that's life, it happens, deal with it :

That cracked me up. Thanks guys, I grow on this already. Meaning I start to try really hard to see it as you do - job,job, job. And I guess eventually I will ..... it doesn't make the cutting off our time together (by skype) easier. But still...... I guess I will be ok.

[Yaaamiii]

Hmm this is a tough one.

I understand how you feel like you'll have less time to talk. I've been there and it's not fun not being able to talk as much as you'd like. But, it's not as if he's cutting down his time to talk to you to hang out at this club place and have fun with drunk people. He's doing it as a job and he said he is doing it in preparation for when you move there, right?

I used to be part of the club scene. It gets old after a while. And if you ever noticed, the photographers treat it as a job, and don't do it so that they can get drunk and flirt with girls (well the professional ones anyway). They are there to take quality pictures, they're not there to have fun (how fun can it be having drunkies pulling on you to have their picture taken, and being rude about it? I'm sure it gets boring/annoying pretty quickly). They're more focused on whether the lighting in that last picture was good enough, or whether it was an awkward scene so they should do a re-take, or whether they are getting enough diversity in the people they photograph so its not just the same faces appearing every 10th picture. He is also doing this to earn some extra cash. Sure, there are other jobs he could take, but you said he enjoys photography, so in his mind, he thinks "why not put the two together and make money for doing something I love?"

Sure girls might try and flirt with him. But if you trust him, what does it matter? We have no control over other peoples actions, we can only control what we do - so have faith that your boyfriend will be mature about it and brush them off. Think about it. How many faces would he see in one night? Probably a fair few. How many of those will he actually care to notice? Probably none.

Also, how come you quit salsa for him? Did he ask you to, did he have the similar issue to your salsa classes that you do to this new job opportunity?

If he DID have similar issues with your salsa class, I guess maybe you can put it to him that way and explain to him why you felt that you needed to end the classes. But you can't always expect your partner to sacrifice as much. Sure it would be nice, but its up to them if they want to or not. I guess it's not up to us to control our partners decisions.

My boyfriend is a photographer too.. I actually encouraged him to do club photography because you can earn a lot of money doing it, but he didn't want to. I get that it's just a job.

Totally agree. I can completely understand why it would make you uncomfortable. It would for me as well, but its his love of photography that's making him do it. Sometimes, when I feel uncomfortable about something my SO is doing, I ask myself "would I be uncomfortable with this if we were close distance? Or is most of this uncomfort because of the distance?" Usually, it's the distance. If he has never given you a reason not to trust him, then I would trust him. I wouldn't like it if other girls started flirting with my SO either, it would make me really jealous, but I know he would never act on those comments.

I think it's just a job. Trust him until he has given you a reason not to. But if you have a hard time getting past it and it continues to make you uncomfortable, then you might have to reevaluate some things.

[kteire]

I agree with Moon, completely!

I have a few guy friends that are party photographers, and they'd be fired in a heartbeat if they were partying while they were working. It would be incredibly unprofessional to be drinking or hitting on girls at all! And honestly, I can't remember a time that I have noticed a cute bar photographer, because you just don't pay attention to that sort of thing at a bar. I don't think it would be a massive lifestyle change for him, minus how it will limit your time to talk!

But in the long-term, if he feels like it'll benefit you both with more money and potentially better career prospects in an area he loves, try and be proud of him for following his dream and putting in SUPER long days to be with you!!