Best Friend vs. Boyfriend!

[amazingmendoza]

So I'm in college and I'm currently rooming with my best friend. We have been friends for three years, pretty much all of college. When we met, I was a sophomore, I liked to go out a lot, party, socialize on a 24/7 basis. I was gone all of junior year studying abroad, which was when I met my current boyfriend. The first few months of my relationship with him, everything was fine, I spoke to her on a daily basis and she thought it was exciting for me to have a foreign boyfriend. It wasn't until the last two months when were together that the problems began. I stopped spending time on my computer talking to her, and spent my time with him, enjoying the last moments we had together. She obviously began to get frustrated that I lost contact with her and later on when she found out that we were staying together despite of the distance, she was not happy.

When I came back to school, I wasn't partying the way I used to. Between schoolwork, work and keeping up an LDR, I didn't have time to be going out every weekend. And when I did go out, I didnt want to be dancing with random guys or putting myself in uncomfortable situations, especially because my boyfriend leans more towards the jealous type. Point is, both of them started to extremely dislike each other. I feel like I made the mistake of complaining about each of them to the other person and it just went downhill from there. She blames him for changing my behavior and making me "boring" and making me cry. He blames her for being a bad influence, for being negative, for manipuating me and for trying to get us to break up.

The problem is that because Im graduating, my boyfriend was planning on coming to visit me. And because I live with my roommate neither of them is happy about the situation. My boyfriend is taking it to the level where he is basically making me choose between her or him. I dont know what to do! I don't know how to deal with this! I want the last month of college to be memorable but it can't happen with both of them fighting!!

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar dilemma? If so, can you offer any advice as to how you solved it?

Thanks,
~Desperately in Need of a Solution

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Your friend doesn't own you. Sit her down individually and tell her how you've been feeling about her reaction. Remind her that your time is to be spent as you please and that neither she nor your boyfriend get to monopolize your time. Tell her that you don't feel like her advice is coming from the heart and because of that you're inclined to not believe what she's telling you. Then, make a date to go and hang out with her. Surely there's something else you two can do besides partying or doing other activities that make you uncomfortable? Go out and have some fun with her once in a while! It doesn't have to be every weekend. Make a day where it can be a girls' night out, and stick with it.

Then, you have to talk to your boyfriend. He also has to realize that your time is yours. Tell him that you love him very much, but you also care a lot about your friend. He has to know that it isn't okay for him to make you choose between him and your friend. That's unfair, and he should know better than to ask that. Tell him about the girls' night out you and your friend will have planned and be sure to say that you love him and just want to spend some time with your best friend.

They're both getting jealous of each other. You're the one who will have to step in and say that you care about them BOTH and that you want to spend time with BOTH of them. Remind them that hurting each other will mean hurting you. And finally, warn them that if they aren't at least polite to each other come graduation, you will be disappointed and there may be consequences.

On the plus side, you must be pretty awesome if you have two people fighting over you! :P You just need to remind them that you aren't a competition!

[Softy]

Yup, wait for the proper moment when you and your friend and bf are calm and tell them you seriously need to talk.
You friend has no right to tell you who to date and your bf has no right to tell you who to hang out with.

Some ppl just don't get along, some don't like each other. But they both like you yes?
So tell them that, same way you told us! 'Hey guys this is my last months in college, I want to be smiling and have good memories of it. So please let's set difference aside and just enjoy the moment. If you like me, if you care just one bit please stop fighting'.

If they care about you, they should be able to calm down and accept you and the situation just how it is.


best luck

[Captivated]

Sorry to sound harsh but it sounds to me like you're the one instigating the feud. How would your bf know about your bff if it weren't for you telling him about her? And vice versa? First thing you need to do is stop complaining about each of them to the other. Try to make them aware now that you realize you're the one that evoked this situation and that you need it to stop. And I agree that you need to speak to them individually and tell them what you just posted.

[WakeUpSusie]

I spent a semester abroad in Ireland in addition to being in a four year LDR due to college... I have to say, there are definitely ways to maintain a LDR without sacrificing spending time with your friends or talking to your SO. I never, not once, had an issue with this. The way I handled it was I talked to my SO at least once during the day, and if I had plans to go out on a weekend night we either texted each other once in a while or said good night before I went out. Same for him. It didn't affect our relationship at all because we both trusted each other completely and knew that it wasn't that we didn't want to talk, just that we were busy.

College is a time to cultivate life long friendships. It actually got to the point where, despite the fact that I always missed my SO, I was somewhat grateful for being in a LDR because I could hang out with my friends as much as I wanted to without having to balance! The result is that I have a FANTASTIC fiance (LDR ended after graduation and he proposed last October after five years together) as well as amazing friends that everyone else should be jealous of. There are ways to make both work.

If the problem is your roommate and your SO, talk to them both and let them know that this is upsetting you. You love them both and want them to get along, so they each need to figure it out and honestly grow up a little bit so when they meet, there won't be any issues. If you think the problem is the way you are handling the situation or balancing act, sit down and actively think of a way to make this work. There is definitely a way to fix this if everyone is willing to chill out and be mature about the situation.

Good luck!

[lucybelle]

I was really super good friends with a roommate/teammate in college. Then all of a sudden, one year, she (or I, or both of us) just changed. She went out and partied more, I stayed home and read Harry Potter. She became interested in designer clothes, I didn't have enough money to feed myself. She smoked pot, I studied for my exams. We just became two different people. And because we never talked about our changes, we grew apart drastically. To the point where we wouldn't even say "hey" when we saw each other. And this is the girl I used to find sleeping in my bed! I really wish I had brought up a conversation about us not being similar any more, but I never did. I lost a really great friend, and it still hurts me to this day. (oh and FYI- this happened the year after I came back from study abroad too!)

What I'm trying to say is that you need to talk to both of them. Tell her that you're a different person now, study abroad really does that to someone. You still love her and love hanging out, but you don't like to party as much anymore. She needs to accept the new you. You two can still do lots of fun stuff together, just not heavy partying anymore.

Talk to your SO. Tell him how much this friend means to you and how you refuse to chose between the two of them. He needs to realize how much she's been there for you before he even came around.

Both of them need to be more mature and get over this. I think you would really resent one or the other if you lost one or both of them. Be the mediator and keep your relationship AND your friendship!

[efish1042]

I think it is harsh to say you're instigating the feud.
What I got from this is: your friend doesn't like that you've calmed down and blames it on your SO - you've talked to your SO about this because he is your safety net, the one you go to with your problems - he thinks your friend is a bad influence and the situation has escalated.
I wouldn't say you instigated the situation, but it is YOUR problem and YOU haven't fixed it. It sounds like you've let it escalate. Rather than instigating it, you've done nothing. I would say 'kudos for finally doing something', but you're now at the point where you're being told to make a choice. You've let it go too far. This is YOUR problem. They both have solutions. It is on YOU to broker a compromise. Is it fair that they are putting you in this situation? No, not at all... but you've let it go too far.
You need to do what the above posters have said and talk to them both about this.
Have they ever tried to converse with each other and not through you? Perhaps if they talked to each other, they could come to a truce, especially if you broker a compromise.
Is there anyone else, another friend or family member, closer to the situation than us that you could talk to about certain things in future? Sharing your problems with your SO is a good thing, but not when he is part of the problem. Sadly, he IS a side of the issue in this case.
Good luck! It sounds like you will need it. And don't let another issue build up like this, alright? Nip it in the bud

[katylynnlee]

I'm in a similar situation actually. My boyfriend and I broke up for a while, and I've always had a habit of going to my friends when I'm upset and complaining about issues that bother me, for comfort. I did the same with my boyfriend, told him things about my friends that annoy me, tiffs we had, etc. The thing is, people hold on to these bad things a lot more willingly than good things.

My SO put it this way, why do you think your friend's relationships are good with their boyfriends? Because they don't complain about them to you. Which is true, they don't. So, in my mind, their significant others have never ever done anything to make them angry or upset ever. Bad way of looking at things.

Right now, all of my family and friends dislike my SO because I went to them when frustrated. A few of them now refuse to talk about it, because I'm so back and forth on it and I take things really personally. But most of them have said they will support my decision whatever it is. Which is what a friend should do. Maybe try explaining to her, that all those things you mentioned were at times when you were emotionally upset and vulnerable and you just needed someone to vent to. Let's face it, both of these people are in your life and they will have to make arrangements to deal with it somehow. They don't have to be best friends themselves, but if they truly care about you, they should sacrifice their dignity and suck it up. She shouldn't be trying to break you guys up, unless she is absolutely sure that he is harming you in some way. But if you are happy, it's just selfish. Wanting your friend to be happy and wanting a bar buddy are two very different things. Maybe you've outgrown each other. Usually college starts out with a lot of partying and then most people settle down. Maybe she's not that type. Who knows.

I use to have a bunch of "party" friends, and they were really good people. But when I met my SO, they kind of faded away and I started talking to more people who don't party as much, but are still fun to be around. Obviously this girl is important to you, but she should be able to understand that maybe because you're committed who don't feel like hanging out with other guys at the bar. My old friends thought I was boring too when I met them at the bar, and got a cab home instead of staying the night at some guy's house with them... But I'm still fun when I go out, and there's lots of people who go out and have SO's, but they're smart about it. You have self respect and are loyal. Very good qualities. Your friends should understand and appreciate them.