First visit down.. need some advice

[xa1waysnforeverx]

I went to visit my boyfriend for the first time this last weekend. We had a really great time.. he was everything I thought he'd be and more. He was incredibly loving and attentive and we had a lot of fun together.

Now though... something seems off. I got home around 2am this morning and hes barely talked to me since I left. He says nothing has changed and that he still loves me but his actions are off. He usually uses a lot of cute little nick names which hes not doing at all. I've gotten a baby once or twice today but thats it. We usually talk pretty consistently throughout the day and now hes not talking practically at all. I've gotten a handful of one or two word answers and even those take a few hours. Im sure I sound incredibly needy to him at the moment as far as reassurance goes, but he used to be a trucker so hes used to having to leave and stuff whereas Im not. He doesnt really respond when I say I miss him. I know hes had problems with past girls that end up breaking it off with him soon after really meeting and spending time together.. part of me thinks he is trying to push me away because of that.

I know I've only been home less than a day.. but what gives? Are things usually tense after visits? I just want my sweet, loving, attentive bf back

I cant seem to motivate myself to do anything at all today besides sleep. He says hes out with friends and has no service so he will call me later.. hopefully I can get a few answers then.

[Fish]

Things were not tense for me at all. Sounds like something is off. You should definatly talk to him.

[Moon]

There used to be many threads about that post-first-visit weirdness, but I haven't seen one in several months. Anyway, it's actually pretty common, especially after that first visit. Those of us who have been doing this awhile can tell you that it usually takes a few weeks to get back to normal after a visit, it's normal. Give it at least a few days, then if he's still acting off, ask him about it again, but there is so much anticipation for that first visit, a lot of emotions, hope and expectation preceding it, that afterward it can be a bit depressing, because it's all over too fast. Good luck.

[xa1waysnforeverx]

I was hoping someone would say that.. now to get through the next couple weeks then! I need to find things to keep myself busy

[Biscous]

Always nervousness before and after visits. My girlfriend just left me two days ago from a visit and we have been doing this for roughly 8-9 months. This is our 5th visit together. I definitely felt weird after she left. Some adjustments after she leaves. It definitely affects my sleep and how I feel so he could be going through the same thing.

[FierceFoxie]

I have this happening right after just seeing my SO. For example, I saw him the entire week of Spring Break and I last saw him the day before Easter, Saturday morning when he was leaving for work and I was leaving to drive home. He didn't really talk to me the rest of that day and on Easter he sent me only 2 short text messages. I tend to think men act this way after a visit because they literally just saw you. So, technically he doesn't miss you yet. i would give him a few days and see how he behaves then.

For now, don't overanalyze the meet up. Just carry on with your normal behavior towards him.

[Haley53]

I wouldn't say it's a matter of not missing you so much as it's a matter of missing you? If we're going to play the gender game here, men have more of a tendency to withdraw when faced with these situations. Because we're brought up in a culture where men showing emotions = weak (as opposed to with women, where showing emotions is seen as a bloody character trait), I would say that most men have been socialised to withdrawing from a situation that involves intense emotions as opposed to it being simply that they need time for those emotions to sink in. Of course it's different for everyone, but men don't often reach out for a warm circle of comfort and friendship like women do, so they deal with it on their own and that oftentimes means withdrawing. I would guess this is more of an issue of socialisation of how men/women are "supposed" to handle their emotions than it is an issue of him not missing you yet or of there being an issue in the relationship. Some men are more okay to cry and tell you they miss you, whereas others would rather handle it themselves.

There's also the issue of what Moon said: it needs time. I mean, even after the second visit that I had with my SO, there was some awkward adjustment of getting back into the swing of things. Only now, three weeks later, have we started getting back into the habit of Skyping and being able to talk and have a conversation on Skype beyond "I miss you." And for a while, it was difficult for the both of us to get to sleep without tears. It really is because you're being expected to process a vast amount of emotion in such a short amount of time. It can definitely take its toll on one's emotional well being and I think that's why a lot of people have difficulty with the whole concept of being brought together and then torn apart. It's definitely doable, but also definitely heartbreaking. I agree with Moon, though. Give it some time before you get really worried.

[xa1waysnforeverx]

Thank you both... I guess I just really needed the reassurance that it's normal. I'm a horrible over analyzer and it was just so weird to go from totally fine and talking a ton before and during the visit to almost nothing today. I'm sure things are fine as he's given me no real indication that they Aren't, I'm also bad with change which throws the analyzing even more into overdrive! I need to find other ways to keep myself busy. I'm going through a lot outside of him and he's been my rock so it sucks not really having him there for me right now

---------- Post added at 10:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:40 PM ----------

I guess I should also ask... How am I supposed to act towards him? With his past with women I want to reassure him I'm not going anywhere but I also don't want to drive him away and come across as extra needy. We have always talked a lot so for him to not be responding to texts (except once every few hrs today) do I just leave him alone altogether or?

I'm hoping since he goes back to work tomorrow and my life returns to semi normal (I'm not working at the moment so I don't have that distraction) that we will fall back into our previous routine. Is that realistic to hope for? When is it appropriate to start talking about the next visit? Should I wait until things return to normal?

[Jazi]

I do agree with Eclaire on the sterotype of emotions. He probably is feeling a huge range of feelings and doesn't know what to do with them - sometimes its easier to disconnect and get on with it than trying to face/deal with them.

I've personally never had this kind of thing happen after a visit. My SO cries when he leaves (I do too) and he floods me with msgs saying he misses me. After the 22hour flight of not being able to talk and being forced to deal with our emotions alone for that long we both are very overwhelmed but he has always been emotional and expressive straight after a trip. Sometimes it's actually me who tries to distract myself completely because I don't know how to deal with my emotions and I hold myself together until we skype again and I see him crying..

So i'd say its a coping mechanism which isn't strictly a 'man only' thing to do. If he isn't expressing himself after a few days and you guys aren't keeping that connection that you normally would.. then I would say something and ask him how hes feeling/whats going on.

EDIT -

In regards to how you act around him post-visit - getting back to your normal routine of talking and normal life would probably be the best way to reassure him you're not going anywhere. Also me and my SO discuss plans for the next trip either during the trip/just after it so we have something to look forward to together.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I agree. Just aim on behaving as normally as possible. If things continue to be tense, talk to him about it, but give him some time before you worry too much.

I also agree that men and women deal with these sorts of situations differently - my SO would rather not face the realities of me/him leaving at the end of a visit until it's...well, the day one of us is leaving. And then, he encourages me to let things out, but won't let me see HIM upset. I suspect your SO IS missing you, but doesn't know how to handle it - especially after it being your first visit. He doesn't know how you'll react to his emotions post-visit. After a few visits, you'll probably settle into a routine and get to know his behaviour before/during/after visits, so I wouldn't panic.

[xa1waysnforeverx]

He is better today than yesterday so I think we are just fine I need to learn to relax lol. On the plus side I got caught up on sleep!

Thank you all for the encouragement that its normal!