confused and... disappointed maybe?

[alesitag]

I'm having a hard time here...

Last night, I was talking on the phone with my SO. During our conversation, he was telling me about his experience living on his own and how different it was living with his mom from living with a roommate or his past girlfriends...

When I heard this I was shocked. When we met online, he asked me if I was living with my boyfriend at the time since we had been together for more than 5 years. I told him I didn't believe in living with someone before being married, I explained my own personal reasons and he said he didn't believe in it either for the same reasons I just stated and that's why he had never lived with any of his girlfriends.

I honestly have no issues with people living together without being married, that's just not something I would to. It's not a deal breaker for me knowing he lived with any of his past girlfriends, but what I'm having a hard time to understand is why would he lie to me... one thing I told him and made myself very clear is I DO NOT TOLERATE LIARS.

I confronted him this morning and asked him how many girlfriends did he live with in the past, he said two, then he asked me why was I bringing this up and I told him the same thing I just wrote above: what I told him a few days after we met online about living together and not being married and how he told me he agreed with me and that he had never done that in any of his past relationships.

He said he didn't remember saying any of this to me, that he couldn't find a reason to say such a thing to me or to keep from me the fact that he had taken his past relationships to that level. He said he might have gotten confused or maybe he didn't understand what I was saying. I know he's really forgetful, but I, on the other hand, have the memory of an elephant (like taking Polaroids with my mind...), so I'm 110% sure of what he said back then...

He apologized for that, but we didn't have too much time to talk about it since he had to leave to take care of his mom who just went into surgery yesterday... but I did tell him I didn't want to think he was the kind of man who'd say anything I'd wanted to hear...

He promised to message me once he got back home... it's 10 pm for him and he is not online... I just need to talk to him, make things clear... I hate feeling my heart sinking like this...

[Haley53]

Is it possible that he panicked and agreed with you because he wanted to make the right impression? Or maybe he really wasn't thinking, if it was that soon after you met? My other question is are you sure he said those exact words, that he didn't believe in living together before marriage and that's why he'd never lived with his previous girlfriends, or was that your interpretation of it? While I can understand your shock, hurt, and dismay, and while I would probably feel the same, it's possible that it was something that was said when he wasn't thinking or that he lied, yes, but because he panicked and didn't want you to think poorly of him. That being said, I'm inclined to believe more that you remembered something and called him out rather than you're misremembering, simply based on the severity of your reaction, but depending on how long you'd known each other at the time, and whether or not he liked you at that point, it's possible there's more context to this than simply "he lied" that you might take into consideration. I hope once he's home you both get it figured out.

[katylynnlee]

I would try to get your mind off of it until he actually gets a chance to explain himself. My boyfriend has done stuff like this before, sometimes to sugarcoat the truth... I made note to tell him I don't like that.

I'd say the best thing to do is to clearly explain how you feel and what your beliefs are about lying/fibbing, even if it makes things sound better. It's good he apologized, that shows he cares. I would say if this was at the beginning of the relationship, he may have been in the process of "wooing" you. Or even he may not have been paying attention to exactly what you were saying. That happens to my SO when he's distracted, he only takes in about half of the conversation. :P

[alesitag]

Is it possible that he panicked and agreed with you because he wanted to make the right impression? Or maybe he really wasn't thinking, if it was that soon after you met? My other question is are you sure he said those exact words, that he didn't believe in living together before marriage and that's why he'd never lived with his previous girlfriends, or was that your interpretation of it?

1. I hope this was the case... he trying to make the right impression as I'm very different from the girls he used to date or get along with... if he wasn't really paying attention I could understand it too...
2. Trust me, If I say those were his exact same words, they were hehe... I'm well known for being sort of a recording machine. I have a photographic memory when it comes to conversations, and this exact part of our conversation just made me melt... he even said right after that he was amazed of how many things we had in common and how great it was to finally meet a woman he clicked with immediately and how frustrating it was the fact that I lived so far away (this is what makes me think he was trying to make a good impression too)... I wish I would have saved those first conversations with my SO... and yeah, this was a few days after we met online

it's possible that it was something that was said when he wasn't thinking or that he lied, yes, but because he panicked and didn't want you to think poorly of him.

I'm familiar with this too... not actually lying, but more like "twisting" or "sugarcoating" the truth at the beginning, to later set things straight and reveal very personal information about his life and backgrounds because he was afraid I'd run away from him (something I'm not planning to do anytime soon).

I would say if this was at the beginning of the relationship, he may have been in the process of "wooing" you. Or even he may not have been paying attention to exactly what you were saying.

Yes... that's what I hope. Again, not so sure about him not paying attention, but it could be...

Thanks for reading...

[Haley53]

I'm familiar with this too... not actually lying, but more like "twisting" or "sugarcoating" the truth at the beginning, to later set things straight and reveal very personal information about his life and backgrounds because he was afraid I'd run away from him (something I'm not planning to do anytime soon).

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this set a red flag up in my mind. :/ If this is something he's done regularly, or even a few times before, regardless of his reasoning, it's showing that he turns to dishonesty before anything else. And yes, to me, fabricating the truth in his favour is being dishonest. Regardless of his reasons for it (I wouldn't have excused his lie to begin with, but his reasons might have made it understandable), it's wrong, and it's painting an ugly habit for you to have to deal with. Given that he has a history of repeated manipulated truths and now there's this lie you're having to deal with, I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up being something that continues to be a pattern through your relationship. I wouldn't be able to live with someone who was constantly rewriting their story so it'd look to be in my favour. It'd make me suspicious and I would be worried the whole "I don't want you to leave" idea is a ruse, frankly. I'd be careful here. I know it may not be what you want to hear, but if this has happened before, even if they haven't been outright lies, and you're only two months in... Well if he's so insecure that he has to lie to keep a girl around, then you're getting in over your head with insecurities, in my opinion. :/ If it's a repeating offense and that deep rooted of an issue, he's likely to continue doing it.

My best advice would be to ask him flatly why he doesn't feel he can tell you the truth, because if he doesn't start, the relationship is going to end up in the way he lies to prevent.

[alesitag]

Yes, you're right, I don't think sugar coating the truth is acceptable either and that's why I asked him to stop it and he did.

After the first couple of times I talked to him and made myself clear I can take whatever he has to tell me, I'm open minded and very understanding and comprehensive, he knows that and we haven't experienced any more issues like that. Maybe he really forgot to clarify this one.

Of course I don't expect him to tell me everything right away, I know it takes time to open your painful and "scary" past to someone new but we've been handling this part better now.

I didn't get the chance to talk to him last night. I guess he stayed at his mom's for the night, so I'll wait for him to get online later today.

[efish1042]

Having dealt with lying in my own relationship, I understand where you're coming from. In our case, once I explicitly explained what I wasn't okay with and to the degree that I was not okay with it, things improved. He was under the impression that I merely disapproved and might be persuaded to allow it when in fact, I had to tell him that it was a deal breaker. Once that misunderstanding was cleared up, our communication improved. I won't say we aren't still working on trust, but it did get better.
Growing up, my mother always always told me "A good relationship can survive infidelity." I think the same can be said for any form of duplicity and dishonesty. My SO and I's motto is "We can do anything as long as we both want to." If you are both dedicated to each other, improving the relationship, and learning from past mistakes, this can blow over.
However, if you come out of this conversation later today feeling like he doesn't have as vested an interest in the matter as you, then you should probably reconsider your relationship with this guy... If you feel like it can and will improve, like he is truly repentant and wants to fix things, then go for it. If you don't feel the dedication, on either side, then it is time to reconsider.
I hope he has a good explanation or is at least very repentant. (Having an SO who doesn't remember things, I understand how frustrating it is, but my SO is always repentant of anything he's done to upset me even if he doesn't remember it.)
Good luck to you! I hope it works out for you two, but no matter what, it will always work out for the best in the end

[alesitag]

Ok, here's thd update.

I talked to him this morning. He doesn't remember saying this (you'd be surprised how forgetful he can be), but he's truly sorry about it. He has told me he would never lie to me like that since he knows how I feel towards liars.

I just talked to him a couple of minutes ago, and he actually made a good point: why would he lie to me about something like that, when (after telling him "sugarcoating" wasn't acceptable either) he's been so open about his past (dad -RIP- issues, substances abuse, brother issues, wrong career choices, wrong personal decisions, etc.)?

He apologized again and reassured me he'd never provide misleading information. We will stick to our honesty policy and work things out.

Thank you guys for your support and for sharing your points of view