How would you react?

[Arae]

Hello,
I ended all contact with my SO about a year ago. We were actually broken up for about 4-5 months before I stopped talking to him. It didn't end very well honestly. The last year of us dating, we just fought. The distance was killing us. We were still friends and everything and I was hoping that maybe one day we would pick it all up again but without any warning, he got engaged. I was so surprsied and hurt that without thinking I just cut off all contact. He was actually surprised at this. I posted on here a while ago asking how to move on..and I got some great answers. People were so very helpful with it all. We had been in a LDR for about 4 years so it's been a hill to climb to get over him . I've been doing great with everything, I thought I had moved on. I had stopped thinking about him as much, and I haven't cried a wink since the day I found out he was engaged.
I was visiting a friend in December and she still happens to have him on facebook and he's now married..not just engaged. I was disappointed but I was in a way happy for him. That kind of pushed me in the right direction. It's been about a year since we've spoken, and I got back from vacation about 4 weeks ago and he had sent me an email. When I stopped talking with him, I had asked him to never contact me again. I was a little bit shocked and thought it to be a joke till I read the email. This is what he wrote:
Hey,
I will skip the part of asking how are you and stuff, because even if I ask you probably won't answer. Anyway...yeah I still read your blogs and I know you are going to college soon, and you'll be 18 soon, so I wanted to let you know there are some great opportunities in Afghanistan with Fluor or ITT companies and you can make some good money to pay for better college or even to build you career within these companies, or just to do a year contract here in Afghanistan. With the money you can earn here some of your dreams can come true more easily, and I..I still wish that for you. Hope you're doing ok after that car accident and that you're doing ok just in general. That's all from me, I won't bother you anymore.

I was outraged and extremely angry that he even contacted me, but to send something like this I was just....confused. 1. I asked him to leave alone, and 2. He's now married. I don't understand why he reads my blogs or even why he cares about what I do after I graduate. I replied with a simple thank you, and that I'd look into it and hoped he was doing well. Just to be polite. I waited a few days to make it seem like I was ignoring him because I didn't know if I wanted to reply or not. The email he sent the message from was a Fluor company email adress, listed as a camp in Afghanistan, so I guess he works there now. I did look into it, and the company he suggested to me, has offices in my town, so I wasn't really sure why he kept mentioning Afghanistan to me.
Reading that email I have completely broken down again. I think about him all the time now, again. I realized that I'm still in love with this man and I don't know if I'll ever stop loving him. A small part of me wishes we could talk again but I know that's wrong, he's married.

I just want to know how other people would react if in my situation. Was I wrong in replying?

[Haley53]

My ex and I tried the whole "friends"-after-breaking-up thing too, and then I learned the real reason (not the cowardly, spineless one he originally gave me) that he broke up with me. :P It hurt me to the point I decided I couldn't even try being friends any longer, so I wrote him an e-mail saying that maybe some day in the future, we could give being friends another go, but not right then, and to please leave the contact in my hands. Over a year and a half later, long after I moved on and began dating my current SO, he contacts me out of the blue. It was a real presumptuous message, too, though it certainly confirmed he was exactly where I left him: going nowhere. That said, despite the fact that I was initially infuriated that he would be so bold as to contact me personally, I did ponder the possibility of responding. There was a part of me that did wonder how he was doing and a part of me that wondered "what if?" Not in any romantic sense, but what if he could be another great friend to add to the list? I ended up not responding. My fury outweighed my curiosity and I really do not want anything to do with him, and I felt that responding would open up a door I didn't want to go near, but I did momentarily think "what if?" and so in that regard, I don't think you were wrong.

That said, it is possible you opened up a line of communication that you may or may not be ready for at this point. You may or may not still be in love with him, either. It's been a while. He's married now, possibly thinking of starting a family or at least securing his future in place. I imagine he's gone through a myriad of changes that may have made him into a different man than the one you fell in love with. But things from the past... They have a way of making us wonder. I mean hell, about a month before my ex contacted me, I had someone else with whom I'd had a very strong connection/ties contact me to try and rekindle everything. And that one was tempting. And to that one, I did respond and for a while, I thought I'd be open to trying to be friends again. Then I remembered everything we'd been through, every reason why it didn't work, and most importantly, the ways that I'd changed since moving on from that relationship. I had made such great progress, such amazing strides, that as much as my heart ached for some relationship we used to have, I realised that I was strong enough to remind him I'd asked him not to contact me and that I simply did not think we could work as friends, now or ever. It's easy to long for something we used to have, and when we long for something, we have the tendency to forget the bad and think only about the good, and when we concentrate only on the good, we bring up all the feelings that were associated. We don't tend to think about how far we've come, or how much either of us have changed, and I think that's where the focus needs to be.

You were both together for four years. How can you be expected not to think about the "what ifs?"? How can you be expected to not have confusion over your feelings when he sends you some random e-mail? If you're almost 18, then that four years, I'm assuming, was a high school relationship, so I'm going to assume it's one of your first. It takes time to get over your first, let alone one that lasted four years, but I wouldn't make snap judgments on a random e-mail and decide you're still in love with him and you'll never stop. If that's where you're at right now, then that's okay, but then I think there needs to be a cease of communication. I think you need to truly think about what's best for you, not what you want, not the song your heart is singing, but what is logically best for you, and if that's little to no contact, that's little to no contact. I'm sure you've grown and changed a lot in the past year, and it can be so hard to leave that past behind, especially when it was a part of our lives for so long, but all the changes that you've made in the past year, even if they're not so evident now, they are all pointing towards a more beautiful future. I would honestly cut contact (again) in your position. You were doing fine without him, and I honestly think that more separation and time, even if it hurts for some of it, will clear up what some of your confused feelings are now. But don't let him tear at a still healing wound. You're doing okay. You don't need him to look out for you.

And as a side note, you were together for four years. He's still likely to care because you were a part of his life for so long. Like I said, people have a hard time letting go. He's married, yes, and probably moved on, but that doesn't mean that there's still not that desire to keep what's become a comfortable part of your past alive. People don't always realise that sometimes taking that scary leap of faith and letting go is really when life begins.

[eveningsky]

I've had that happen to me before (4 year relationship that was ended, a year later he was engaged and soon married). I'm sorry that happened to you but at least you're not his wife, huh?

As far as the email is concerned, it sounds like he just wanted to sell you something, honestly. Like it was some kind of spam email to get you to start working for some scam of a company. If I were in your situation, I would be inclined to say I'd ignore it. Honestly, replying politely was taking the higher ground. You're showing him that you're not bitter and that you've gotten over it (at least a little). There's nothing completely wrong in talking to him again if you can keep your feelings in check. Honestly I don't think I'd be able to be friends with someone that broke my heart but that's just me. It's all how you handle it and if you don't have a problem with him being married anymore then you can. If you do, I would say don't talk to him.

[Arae]

If you're almost 18, then that four years, I'm assuming, was a high school relationship, so I'm going to assume it's one of your first. It takes time to get over your first, let alone one that lasted four years, but I wouldn't make snap judgments on a random e-mail and decide you're still in love with him and you'll never stop.

Yea, I was in high school, he's was older than I was (out of high school). It wasn't one of my first but it was the longest. I get what you mean about snap judgements, I probably thought to much into it...I just feel like it's going to take twice as long to get back to where I was and on the right track. I thought it would a lot easier then this after a year....Thanks for replying, given me a bit to think about.

---------- Post added at 12:43 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:39 AM ----------

I've had that happen to me before (4 year relationship that was ended, a year later he was engaged and soon married). I'm sorry that happened to you but at least you're not his wife, huh?

As far as the email is concerned, it sounds like he just wanted to sell you something, honestly. Like it was some kind of spam email to get you to start working for some scam of a company. If I were in your situation, I would be inclined to say I'd ignore it. Honestly, replying politely was taking the higher ground. You're showing him that you're not bitter and that you've gotten over it (at least a little). There's nothing completely wrong in talking to him again if you can keep your feelings in check. Honestly I don't think I'd be able to be friends with someone that broke my heart but that's just me. It's all how you handle it and if you don't have a problem with him being married anymore then you can. If you do, I would say don't talk to him.

After a week or so I realized that it would be a really bad idea to talk to him again. I beat myself up for replying, instead of listening to my friends and just ignoring it. I guess in replying I was trying to show him that I was fine, and "not bitter" but in reality I still am (just a bit). I honestly have always been able to keep my feelings in check, but not with him, so we could never be friends. Thanks for the advice

[kirbycat]

I've never been in this kind of situation, but I think it's certainly true that you never completely forget your first real love - especially after four years together. He's in the same boat as you in that regard, even if he's the one who did you wrong, and even if he is married now.

In your other thread about this, you mentioned your suspicion that he'd started seeing his now-wife while the two of you were still in a LDR. For that reason alone, I would avoid renewing contact with him. I mean, I can't judge your ex's honesty...but what are the chances that his wife knows he's trying to get in touch with you? Would you feel comfortable essentially reversing your roles and becoming the woman he's now talking to on the side? From how I interpreted your post, it sounds like he's living in Afghanistan now - is that right? If so, I'd assume he mentioned it to you in his email with the hope that you might someday be in close proximity again. Which, all things considered, probably isn't a good idea.

I agree that the best thing you can do - for both yourself and for him - is to cut off contact again. You've obviously made progress in moving on in your life, and he seems to have done the same. You weren't wrong to reply to his email, but I wouldn't let things go any further. There's no reason to risk the positive changes you've made since ending the relationship. It's time to keep looking forward, not back.

[Softy]

If it still hurts, don't keep contact with him.
You did suffer enough, why would you hurt yourself some more?