Do I have a right to be upset?

[WillowFaith]

Do I have a right to be upset or am I over-reacting?

My SO and I split up for a few months last fall. During the time we were apart, we had absolutely no contact. Then in Feb of this year, she contacts me out of the blue and we talk and decide that we are going to give us another try. Problem was that she was with someone else at the time. She actually was supposedly sleeping in the other room while my SO was on the phone with me and had encouraged my SO to call me because she was convinced if my SO and I were to talk and then argue about our past, we would then split up and my SO would be over me for good. Granted, this comes from my SO as I have never met or had a conversation with my SO's ex.

So after we decided we would work it out, my SO went into the other room and woke her up and told her she was getting back with me and that she had to leave. They had a verbal argument (obviously, I would be angry as well...) and then the girl left. Since then, my ex has said she hasn't seen her nor has she spoken to her.

I never asked her name and wanted no info on the girl, but somehow last night, the conversation turned to the people we dated while we were apart and as I never wanted to know who and how and all those facts about my SO from the time we were apart, I never asked my who, what, when and why and never divulged any information regarding my experiences during our separation, except that I had dated and slept with a co-worker I am still currently working with. I gave this information openly and without my SO asking. Last night she told me her ex's name and me being stupid (I was in a bad mood last night and moping...) went and looked her up on facebook.

Well, not only did I find out she is still listed as a friend on my SO's page, but not only that, my SO works with her.

I asked my SO about this today and she said she didn't feel like I needed to know that they worked together and that I needed to trust she wasn't going to cheat on me with her. But my thing is, she HAS cheated in the past and I knew that if somehow the topic would have been brought up about me working with an ex of mine, she would be upset... which is why I made certain it was something I left her know. So she didn't feel like I was hiding something from her. And it bothers me that she told me that she blocked her number on her phone and supposedly hadn't seen or heard from her since their break-up.

So, my question is really three-fold I guess...

1) Do I have a right to be upset over this?

2) If you were in my position, do you feel that this is information you would want to know or would share with your SO?

and

3) Should I worry that there is something more to this story than what my SO is letting on?

Oh...

And any suggestion on how to talk to her about this? When I tried I just kept getting, "Well, I have to trust you won't cheat on me with _____, while you are at work."

And its not that I feel she will cheat, its that she failed to let me know they stilled worked together...

Whew... sorry that was such a long post/rant.

Thanks.

[efish1042]

I have trust issues of a different sort and sadly with long distance, the stigma can be a problem. "They are so far away, how do you know they won't cheat/lie/etc?"
The thing is... you don't. You just have to trust. It sounds like you need to have a conversation about trust with your SO. "You have to trust me" doesn't help anything. You need a bit more incentive than that. For example, with my SO, he was doing drugs and I didn't like it so now I'm paranoid, but he avoids the substances, anything connected to them, and assures me that I'm more important than a high. So things are improving for us.
I am a bit confused as to where this paranoia is coming from with you? You still work with this co worker you slept with. She is in the same position. Your SO didn't throw this out there in the beginning, but that doesn't seem like a reason to be worried. Especially since this girl was so mad for your SO kicking her out. I wouldn't want to get back with someone that kicked me out and left me for the ex. My only assumption is that you're paranoid because of past experiences? In which case, you need to work on trust.
In any case, you're upset and do have a talk with your SO about this. Make sure she knows that "you have to trust me" isn't cutting it for you.

[WillowFaith]

Yes, She has cheated on me in the past, and because of that, she is always accusing me of cheating, or suspecting that I am. Which I haven't and is why I made it a point to let her know about my co-worker. I never wanted her to feel how I am feeling now... like there must be more to this since she wasn't open about it from the beginning.

[Haley53]

Assuming this is the same woman you've written about before, yes, you have a right to be upset. She not only lied about working with her; she lied about having contact at all. Given your history and all the issues that have continued up until the present, yes I'd be worried about her behaviour, and I'd honestly take a step back and think about why you're in a relationship with someone who not only treats you abusively but has cheated several times and probably will again. I would worry that there's more to the story that she's not letting on, simply because you've shown her time and time again that her deplorable behaviour is forgiveable. What does it matter if she cheats or lies? You forgive her anyway, even if it causes bad feelings for a while, so she's received absolutely no punishment for doing so. She's simply able to have her cake and eat it too whenever she pleases. :/

[Zapookie]

To be honest, this has already started out on rocky ground. Your SO was with someone else when she contacted you saying she wanted another try? And then only once you said yes, she then went to this other girl who was sleeping in her bed and basically told her to get out?

You spoke about her in another thread about being jealous and not wanting you to go out and do things, so she's also demonstrating that she needs to have control and have things her way because if she can't control you, she feels insecure.

This won't work out unless there is trust. She's already broken your trust multiple times, and she doesn't trust you either because in her mind, she thinks you're going to do the same thing she did to you. You need to have a talk with her. This jealousy and mistrust and all the accusations will only get worse if you let it continue as it is.

But really, you also need to ask yourself whether she is someone you really want to be with. Why are you with her? What are the qualities in her that attract you to her? Can you see it working out for the long term?

[Tanja]

In my experience people who blame others of cheating when they've actually done it themselves just tells me that they automatically think spending time with an ex/friend/colleague is going to lead to sex. That would be enough for me to get worried.

[Softy]

Some people can get over 'cheating' issues, some cannot.
If I was in your shoes, I'd move on... But I am not you so...

If you have the right to be upset, probably yes.
If there is more to it than what she told you about? Maybe, maybe not.

It's more about if you are able and ready to let go and trust her.

[FierceFoxie]

Assuming this is the same woman you've written about before, yes, you have a right to be upset. She not only lied about working with her; she lied about having contact at all. Given your history and all the issues that have continued up until the present, yes I'd be worried about her behaviour, and I'd honestly take a step back and think about why you're in a relationship with someone who not only treats you abusively but has cheated several times and probably will again. I would worry that there's more to the story that she's not letting on, simply because you've shown her time and time again that her deplorable behaviour is forgiveable. What does it matter if she cheats or lies? You forgive her anyway, even if it causes bad feelings for a while, so she's received absolutely no punishment for doing so. She's simply able to have her cake and eat it too whenever she pleases. :/

I agree!

I think the fact that she has lied to you is going to make you never trust her fully. You're going to be checking her FB wall all the time to see if her ex has posted anything and you will read into every little comment. Your SO will get tired of trying to defend herself even if it is truth she is trying to deny. This will only become more of a toxic relationship rather than a loving one.