Our last visit?

[magician13134]

It's been a rough semester for us both, but at least we had this summer to look forward too; I was planning on living with her for just over three months. However, this afternoon, I got a job offer that I really didn't think I was going to get, but too good to pass up, so I will no longer get to spend the summer with her. We had a long talk on the phone today and agreed that even though we're both madly in love with each other, our situation is just too hard for both of us to keep up while trying to get through school. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to admit. Although nothing's final yet, I'm going to visit her after I finish exams next week and we're going to figure things out then. I've got a feeling that this is going to be our last visit as a couple, even though I'm never happier than when I get to see her, I guess I'm just too weak to keep this up.

I appreciate all the support and advice that I've gotten from this community more than you can imagine! If we do decide to try to keep working at this, I'm sure I'll be around quite a bit, but just in case we aren't that strong, I wanted to make sure I thanked you all!

[Yaaamiii]

Aww, are you guys breaking up? I'm sorry to hear that. (I hope I understood that correctly)

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

That does sound like break-up talk to me. And I know you're desperate to see her, but is a 'last visit' when you know it is wise? To me it just seems like prolonging your goodbyes, and when you're visiting... Isn't it going to be so much harder to accept that you're breaking up (if you are, which it does sound like) after you've just spent a few days being happy and in love?
I think you guys need to make a decision Before Visit, not during. It'll be harder to think clearly about what you really want when she's there in your arms and you're together.
I know I've sounded one sided and pessimistic here, but I totally advocate trying to stay together too. I just think that should the decision be the more difficult one, you should try and make it as painless for yourself and your SO as possible. Good luck.

[LoveL]

I fully understand the stress that school and life in general can place on a relationship.

Imagine trying to maintain a relationship while preparing for a big life change, a new job, having children involved, physically moving to a new location, having finals coming up, preparing for an international exchange program (legal and govt. documents) and still being in class. Life is hard, man. Shit gets in the way and things get tough.

But what is really important to you? What is it that you want more than anything in the world? How much do you love each other?

You're going to have this answer better than I will, but are you really breaking up because of the stress of school or are you just not as in love with each other as you used to be and that makes it seem like the struggle that you're having to go through is not worth it anymore?

I mean, life is always going to be hard and it's always going to throw you curveballs.

I think most people in an LDR are in it because they believe they have found someone that they can spend their whole life with and that they have found someone that completes them, makes them better... makes them whole. Seriously, why else would we all put up with the hurt and pain and stress of the distance for long? What it is that we have all been fighting for if it's not to make a long-term life with our SO?

Before breaking up, have you guys explored all of the options and ways that you can stay together?
Can I suggest a few?




1. Have a good long talk. Both of you set aside time, right now or as soon as humanly possible, where you can talk about whether or not you really want to be together and see this through. If you can't agree here, then there is no need to proceed to step 2.




2. Once you both agree that you want to make this work, no matter what, talk about how your relationship needs to change in order for both of you to be happy and successful at the things that are currently causing you stress. If that means, in your case, not talking on the nights that you have study or really focus on homework or whatever, then do it. If that means even taking breaks from worrying about the other person for short periods of time, then that's alright too. Make school a priority on days that it has to be a priority, but also set aside scheduled time during the week where you can guys can just be yourselves and don't schedule any outside time with friends or anything else. If the relationship is important enough, then blowing off your friends for 1-2 nights per week isn't that big of a deal.

What you're essentially doing is creating date-night with your SO, even if all you're going to do is talk on the phone or chat on Skype or something along those lines. Making time for each other, out of your busy schedules is what dates are all about in the first place. It's an excellent suggestion for married couples to help keep their marriage close and it's good for people in long-term relationships who need to get back to the basics. What you guys have done is let life distract you from what should be the focus of your relationship, and that is each other. You have to come back to that and remember why you fell in love in the first place.




3. (This is just something that I think you guys need to try. If it's not possible, then it's not possible. But see if you can't work this in there.)

You're only 250 miles apart. Honestly, that's a 4 hour drive if you obey the speed limit and account for traffic. It's a little less than one full tank of gas both ways. A tank there and a tank back. Why not designate at least one trip a month for each other? I don't know what your current visiting schedule is, but increase it. No matter what it is right now, get together more often. You know as well as I do that there is no greater reminder of why you are fighting this battle than when you can be together. Those visits don't have to be romantic filled weekends either. If all you guys do is lay on the sofa and study together, then so be it. That's just as intimate as planning a late night out on the town and having dinner over candle light and then going back to the bedroom. It may not sound like a great fun-filled adventure on paper. But it's worth it.

And if the cost of gas is an issue, or work schedules are an issue, think about this. As a couple, you're talk about spending maybe $100 on gas for a visit. LoveJ and I average $600-$900 per visit..... and we're poor as shit. You just have to decide and commit to it. Hell, why not just have each other you drive half way and meet in the middle. Get a cheap little hotel room and lay on the non-smoking queen sized double bed and study if that's what you need to be doing.

I would recommend that you do take a couple of those visits and set them aside for romance when possible. That being said, spending all weekend in-doors studying does allow for a good bit of release during study breaks......


Anyway, long story short. Decide if you want to be together, first of all. Then talk and talk and talk and talk and argue and make up and talk and talk and talk until you find an amicable way to make this work. If you truly love each other, then you can do it. And if you truly love each other, then there is nothing that should stop you, not even 3 finals and 4 mid-terms in a 4 week span; not even moving twice within 8 days, giving up your pet, changing jobs, processing immigration documents, dealing with a crazy ex-wife, preparing for life as a new parent while also adjusting to the fact that you'll be away from everything and everyone you have ever known, all for a chance to be happy with the person that you know deep-down in your heart that you were made for.

School Credits can be transferred. Money can be saved, borrowed or spent. Cars can be bought and sold. Possessions can be lost, sold or given away. But you can't replace people. If you love someone, you do what you have to do to.