Greedy SO

[WillowFaith]

Is anyone else dealing with a greedy SO? One that expects you to be there every second you can spare? Be on the phone for hours on end? That gets upset when you want one evening to yourself because you should be as happy as they are to be on the phone with them?

I swear I feel tied to the house and the phone. I don't want to go out and be crazy, I just want one night without being tied to the phone so I can read or watch a show... Without my SO going into jealous panic mode.

Help!?

[LoveJ]

I've asked you this in another thread but not sure if you saw it. In all the posts I've read from you, your SO shows you no respect or love, and is always making things extremely difficult. Why waste your time with someone who doesn't care and let them make you so upset every single day?

[snow_girl]

You don't need to ask permission to have one night. Text him and say I will be busy tonight and I will talk to you tomorrow. Leave your phone at home and go out and have some fun. If he can't deal with that then there are some bigger issues at hand he needs to deal with and it isn't fair to trap you with guilt.

[WillowFaith]

I don't know if its love or obsession, but in any case, no matter how many times I've left, she's always sucked me back in... even after months apart. I've just resolved myself to being with her because I've tried other ways, but as I said I've always come back so that has to mean something.

[snow_girl]

It could mean you have low self esteem that you are constantly going back to someone that controls you.

[temporaryuser]

you are the one controlling yourself. You are the one feeling obligated to be there. Your so isnt stalking you, standing behind you everywhere you go.
if you want to go out, go. Turn the ringer off the phone. Turn the computer off. leave a message that you are going out and you will let them know when you return home.
Going out without your so doent mean you are going off to cheat, to find someone else etc. it simply means that everyone needs "me time". its healthy and good for you.

[marbear31]

This is a difficult one. I do remember you posting some stuff about jealousy/trust issues, but I think, above all, you have to do what's best for you. If someone becomes toxic to your essence, you have to take care of yourself first before you can offer the best of you to them. I think the most important thing, though, is to make sure you trust each other. Especially in an LDR, trust and communication are the two most important aspects, and if you do not possess those, you don't have a foundation to build a healthy relationship on. Talk to her!! Tell her your feelings, and maybe just put a positive spin on it, saying you love her very much, but you need time to yourself to offer the best you to her. I know it's a cheesy adage, but if things are meant to be, they will be. All you can do is trust, be open, and be true to yourself.

Good luck hon!

[Haley53]

I've asked you this in another thread but not sure if you saw it. In all the posts I've read from you, your SO shows you no respect or love, and is always making things extremely difficult. Why waste your time with someone who doesn't care and let them make you so upset every single day?

I agree with this.

I was involved with someone who was extremely mentally/verbally abusive, who had significant control issues, etc. for around 3 years before I finally cut him out. It took me to the point of being fed up to do it, and unfortunately, that's sometimes what it takes.

That said, I feel like you're going to have a hard time gaining what you're hoping from the forum. You're certainly welcome here, but it's hard for me to counsel someone whose SO is mentally and emotionally abusive. Your SO plays games and ignores you, yet she holds you to the standard of being constantly and bizarrely available. Your SO has cheated on you not once but several times, likely to happen again, and yet treats you with jealousy, scorn, and paranoia, which are consequences of her own actions. She lies to you. She plays games over your own daughter (if my SO and child were remotely close, he'd be gone for not responding when something was wrong without a very valid reason). The list goes on, and so when I see yet another thing to add to it, it's hard for me to advise you on it. One, because it's hard to deny that this is an abusive and toxic relationship and your heart will only end up breaking further as she continues to take advantage of you until there's nothing left, and two, because will she really listen/respond the way you're hoping?

It sounds like regardless of what effort you put in, she's unwilling to meet you halfway. She does as much as she needs to keep you around and that's it. There's little insight or forethought or even internalisation of her actions. The constant lying and deceiving of you... It's like you're one big game to her. She receives power out of breaking your heart and turning you into her whipping girl, to put it bluntly. :/ And you - as does anyone - deserve better than that. Because I'm going to tell you, and even if you don't want to believe it, this is her issue. This is her problem. You cannot fix it. You cannot fix it because you have done nothing wrong and have done nothing to deserve it. You cannot fix it because these issues are a result of her projecting her own issues and problems onto you. And I feel like you're struggling to do whatever you can to keep this relationship and make it into what you want when it's not going to work, because where it takes one person to break a relationship, it takes two to fix it. You can try talking to her about it in the way marbear presented, but she may not be entirely receptive to it and things may not change (or they may not change permanently). I would honestly consider looking at and evaluating why you're in this relationship - beyond "there must be a reason I keep going back" - and I'd even consider investing in seeing a therapist for why you're so attracted to such an unhealthy and downright cruel situation.

You have LFAD's support, but I think it's hard for a lot of us to give advice encouraging something that's, quite frankly, destructive.

[Zapookie]

I just have to agree with everything already said.

This isn't the first time you've posted about your SO acting jealous, possessive, controlling etc. To be honest, I'm not sure what it's going to take for you to understand that its not OK for your partner to treat you like that. You need to take a stand, and tell her that you're not going to do what she wants all the time. You talk to her about it and let her know that you are your own person who has your own wants and needs, and that you do what you want on your own time WHEN you want, and that it's not up to her to decide what you do.

And just to answer your question, no, my SO isn't greedy, or wants me to talk to him every second of every day. He trusts me and trusts in our relationship enough to know that I'm not going to do anything stupid. He's secure in knowing that I love him, which is why he doesn't feel the need to control me or know what I'm doing every moment.

[sewbama]

I'll agree with everything above. But I want to add a thing or two.

I've been in both an abusive/controlling LDR and a very healthy one. I want to tell you that the healthy one, while the absence was painful, there was no fight in it. There was understanding when we didn't have the time and excitement to talk to each other, not obligation. The controlling/abusive relationship was anything but happy. All text communication in the day was like permission and check-ins. Phone calls were made from obligation, and visits the same. It always felt like work to make it happen (not that good relationships aren't work). I was made to fit his situation. If your situation is anything like this, or what is described by the above posts, you MUST get out of it. You'll be the better for it. It is scary, and very difficult, but you'll learn a lot about yourself and grow a lot.

Good luck.

[eveningsky]

I also agree with all of the above.
I've been in a similar relationship (not abusive, he was just really jealous and didn't want me to drink due to his own issues) but I still did what I wanted. I tried to work things out but I ended it after 6 months. I probably stayed in it longer than I should have but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. You can't force people to change, all you can do is make yourself happy so please, make yourself happy!