How do I get over something that hurt me?

[BlueCat]

A bit of background info on the story:
Ok, so, last year during my visit to see my SO, my grandmother died. My mum rang me while my SO was at work. He had plans to go over his friends place after work, which I knew. But I messaged him and asked him nicely to come home and told him why. He said he was sorry about it etc, but that he still wanted to go over his friends place, just for a little bit. This obviously made me really angry, already being upset, and I may have lashed out and said some hurtful things. Now, one of the faults my SO has, is that when someone tries to force him to do something, he really strongly just wants to do the opposite. So instead of coming home, he stayed at his friends place, not for a little bit, but until around 5am (he finished work around 11 or 12). I hadn't slept all night, spent most of the night feeling really upset and just uncared for. I believe just before he came home, I sent him another message, telling him how dissapointed and hurt I felt etc. When he came home, I was sitting outside and figured he would come looking for me when I wasn't in his room. 15 minutes later, I gave up and went upstairs to find him hardly even wondering where I had been.

Needless to say, it was really upsetting. All I had wanted was for the only person in that country who meant anything to me, to be there when someone who I cared about died. And I felt like he passed it off like it wasn't a big deal and I would get over it because she had been unwell anyway. Yes, she had been unwell, but that's not the point.

To the real issue of this post. Obviously what happened really hurt me. We talked about it at the time, and I did mention it to him about a month or so ago, and we did talk about it again, which made me feel a little better. But I find that sometimes I get to thinking about it and it still bothers me so much. I just want to be able to let it go, yet at the same time, it makes me struggle to trust that he'll be there for me when I need him. You'd think that should be one of the times when a SO really would do anything for you if you asked nicely, and I just can't help but wonder why he didn't. It hurts, and I just want it to not hurt, and I don't want to bring it up again and seem like I'm harping on old issues that shouldn't be issues anymore. Any advice?

[snow_girl]

That definitely was a douche bag move. When you brought it up a month ago what did he have to say about it? Has he apologized? I can see why it still bothers you, but if it has been talked about and he understands how he hurt you then you need to try to get past it and give him the benefit of the doubt that he won't do it again.

[lucybelle]

Geeze what a jerk face!!! That is such a teenager thing to do. I completely understand why you're still upset about it. But, if he has apologized genuinely and has promised to not do it again, then the only thing for you to do is try to move on. Yes, it was a stupid thing to do, but hopefully he's realized that and will act accordingly if anything else sensitive ever arrives.

I know this isn't quite the same thing but during my university graduation (2010), all my family left early and I had to drive the 1 hour commute home by myself. This year happened to be the same year I was in a wheelchair for months and the fact that I could even walk was something to celebrate. I'm still pissed about it. My mom has apologized over and over, but I'm just not over it yet. So I understand why it's hard to move on. I'm trying to. You should too.

[LoveJ]

Does he have issues dealing with really emotional subjects? With some people, things like death are hard for them to deal with because they don't know what to say, and seeing someone really upset makes them uncomfortable. Is he supportive in every other regard, or has he acted like this in other situations? If this is an isolated event, that might have been the reason behind it. I'm not saying what he did was OK by any means, but that might have been why he avoided being near you at that time.

A really important aspect of relationships is trust, and that includes trusting that they'll be there for you when you need it. When someone passes, that's usually when you need the most support, and if he's not able to give it to you, that can make things go a bit sour. Did he ever give you a good reason for why he did it?

[kteire]

Yeah, I can definitely get still being upset over that. I'm not one to hold grudges, but when someone hurts you when something that bad happens, it's kind of inevitable. My grandma passed away while I was away from home as well, although I was not with my SO. I can't imagine how horrible it must have felt to be there by yourself, and to be completely honest, I think it's a bit of a red flag. It's not as though you were being the slightest bit unreasonable, and it sounds like he went out of his way to rebel against you needing him. And he obviously hurt you very deeply by doing it. Has he done something like that before or since? I guess if it was an isolated incident, and he feels bad about it, it'll get better with time and talking it out. Otherwise, if my SO pulled something like that, I'd tell him that he needs to figure out where the impulse to rebel is coming from, and be clear that if he hurt me like that again, I might not be able to move on from it.

[FierceFoxie]

Does he have issues dealing with really emotional subjects? With some people, things like death are hard for them to deal with because they don't know what to say, and seeing someone really upset makes them uncomfortable. Is he supportive in every other regard, or has he acted like this in other situations? If this is an isolated event, that might have been the reason behind it. I'm not saying what he did was OK by any means, but that might have been why he avoided being near you at that time.

A really important aspect of relationships is trust, and that includes trusting that they'll be there for you when you need it. When someone passes, that's usually when you need the most support, and if he's not able to give it to you, that can make things go a bit sour. Did he ever give you a good reason for why he did it?

That is my guess too.

Sometimes men in general just don't know how to be emotionally supportive, at least not like how we women expect them to. Deaths are hard and often people are afraid to say anything because they think they will say the wrong thing or that they have no idea what to say. I would have communicated with him that you just wanted him to hold you. That's it. Giving him some sort of expectation (directions on how to handle the situation was probably what he needed.) Since you just told him the devastating news, you dropped a bomb on him and he make have freaked out on how to comfort you. he probably really didn't mean to hurt you by going to his friend's house and he was probably talking to his friend about how to deal with your loss.

I hadn't slept all night, spent most of the night feeling really upset and just uncared for. I believe just before he came home, I sent him another message, telling him how dissapointed and hurt I felt etc. When he came home, I was sitting outside and figured he would come looking for me when I wasn't in his room. 15 minutes later, I gave up and went upstairs to find him hardly even wondering where I had been.

I know you were hurt and upset but that is playing games. Pouting outside and expecting him to come chase you down and find you is really immature. Perhaps he already saw you isolating yourself outside like that and that just made him even more intimidated; so he decided to back off, let you cool off and come in when you were ready. Don't play games like that with your SO. Just be truthful without having to be dramatic. You could have easily waited in his room and when he entered tell him that you were upset that he didn't come home right away.

I would put this in the past and leave it there. Continuing to bring it back up all the time is just beating him up all over again. If you really love your SO, forgive him and move forward. Even if he never apologizes, forgiveness doesn't mean forgiving only when you get an apology.

[lala]

I agree on that with kteire.. a partner or even friend should be there for you when you need him/her.. On this situation he was really a jerk! and it doesn't matter if you had a good relationship with your grandmom or not, he should have been there for you. I know it's maybe a things some people would forgive easily, but for me as well it would show who he really is. It will take time to forgive him.. how did he respond/react after you explained it to him?

[kteire]

I know you were hurt and upset but that is playing games. Pouting outside and expecting him to come chase you down and find you is really immature. Perhaps he already saw you isolating yourself outside like that and that just made him even more intimidated; so he decided to back off, let you cool off and come in when you were ready. Don't play games like that with your SO. Just be truthful without having to be dramatic. You could have easily waited in his room and when he entered tell him that you were upset that he didn't come home right away.

I have to disagree. She was hurt and obviously in a lot of pain, and no one can think clearly when they've lost someone they love... and then been shunned by someone else they love. I lost my grandma exactly two months ago today, and was across the ocean, in my flat, alone. I am normally quite level-headed, but I had a complete panic attack and would have completely flown off the handle if my SO hadn't been supportive. I don't think anyone can judge how she acted in this situation, he was completely in the wrong.

[eveningsky]

I can't imagine how horrible it must have felt to be there by yourself, and to be completely honest, I think it's a bit of a red flag. It's not as though you were being the slightest bit unreasonable, and it sounds like he went out of his way to rebel against you needing him. And he obviously hurt you very deeply by doing it. Has he done something like that before or since? I guess if it was an isolated incident, and he feels bad about it, it'll get better with time and talking it out. Otherwise, if my SO pulled something like that, I'd tell him that he needs to figure out where the impulse to rebel is coming from, and be clear that if he hurt me like that again, I might not be able to move on from it.

This.
My aunt passed away when I visited my SO last summer (prematurely, cancer). It was really rough because she was the relative I felt I related to the most and I always wanted to get to know her better but I didn't. If my SO hadn't been there to comfort me and had done what your SO did (sounds like something my ex would have done to me!) I probably would have broken up with him there on the spot! That's just something I would not tolerate in a relationship and I know would nag at me in the future.
If he has genuinely apologized, give him a chance to make up for it instead of bringing it up over and over again. Wait until a similar situation happens (not necessarily a death but probably still a loss and something that you would make you want his comfort) and see how he reacts. If he reacts the same and it hurts you, I wouldn't stay with someone who is hurting you. If he reacts differently then that shows you that he's willing to comfort you and he does care.
Yes, forgiveness is good but something is obviously bringing up this old wound and it may be something he did recently. You need to take a look at your relationship on a whole and ask yourself is it really making you happy or is it just making you sad? I'm not saying you can't work this out, I'm saying that you can't force others to change and you might not be able to forgive him if he's not changing and you're not willing to move on while still in your relationship. He needs to compromise somehow and show some type of affection and maybe in turn you could quit bringing up the topic. If he's not willing to do that for you, I think it might be time to move on in a different way.

[FierceFoxie]

I have to disagree. She was hurt and obviously in a lot of pain, and no one can think clearly when they've lost someone they love... and then been shunned by someone else they love. I lost my grandma exactly two months ago today, and was across the ocean, in my flat, alone. I am normally quite level-headed, but I had a complete panic attack and would have completely flown off the handle if my SO hadn't been supportive. I don't think anyone can judge how she acted in this situation, he was completely in the wrong.

He may have been in the wrong but I am still stand behind game playing being immature. She said she was waiting for him to come look for her...game, end of story. My point is that you shouldn't play games regardless of the circumstance. Just flat out tell someone face to face that they hurt you with their actions. Tossing in mind games is counterproductive.

[kteire]

He may have been in the wrong but I am still stand behind game playing being immature. She said she was waiting for him to come look for her...game, end of story. My point is that you shouldn't play games regardless of the circumstance. Just flat out tell someone face to face that they hurt you with their actions. Tossing in mind games is counterproductive.

I guess I don't read it that way. She said she was waiting outside (not waiting for him to come look for her) and figured he'd come find her, maybe she just needed air and assumed he'd find her when she wasn't inside. I don't think it sounded immature. Even if I misread that, one can't say regardless of the circumstances she should have done this or that - emotions aren't that simple, especially when one is alone and has suffered a loss.

---------- Post added at 08:21 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:19 PM ----------

And sorry, I didn't mean to get off the topic of the original post.

[Softy]

I would be pretty upset to if my SO chose to hang out with friend when I need him the most.
It did happen to me in the past that i was dating a guy and one day i was feeling really down and I was crying and he got a call from his cousin saying he was making some bbq outside to come and hang out with him. I asked my bf of that time to stay with me because i wasn't feeling well. He said: 'Oh well you either come with me or I'll go to this bbq alone'. I was really sad and hurt and he left me there alone.

That was a sign for the other things to come.
I'm not with that guy anymore (thanks god).

Maybe it's the case with your SO, maybe not.
Am not there to judge, I guess just keep strong and if something like this happens again you might want to have a talk with him.
Tell him you need him to be there for you in such situation.

Hope the best for you

[efish1042]

It sounds like you need some sort of closure and a reassurance that it won't happen again. You're hurt and you're not over being hurt (I agree that you did some foolish things, but I understand that you were emotional).
He's said he's sorry, but had he given you anything that reassures you that something like that won't happen again. It sounds like not only are you still hurt (hurts will always ebb and flow), but that you're also waiting for a repeat performance.
Have you discussed how you would like him to react in future? Was he sincerely apologetic and sorry that he wasn't there for you when you needed him?
I'm having a similar issue with my SO currently (on an entirely unrelated subject) and sometimes I just have to make myself get over it. It sounds callous, but I tend to obsess over things and make myself upset where no upset is warranted. When this creeps back up in the back of your mind, it's just like missing him when you're apart... it will likely always be there at least in part, and you just have to make yourself go on- distract yourself or something.
I'm sorry you're still upset over this, but I think it is time to put this to rest. Talk to your SO again if you need closure/reassurance.

[sewbama]

If you're concerned about this, you HAVE to talk to him about it. Obviously getting over it is going to be difficult, but it will be impossible if you don't include him. Just tell him you still worry about it. Don't blame him. Don't yell at him. That's what you want to prevent. Just tell him that for your relationship's sake, you want him to understand what you need of him and help him to understand those reactions. You also want to learn what you can do to prevent him having those reactions when you really need him. So talk about how that day should have gone. He's already apologized, so don't try to get him to do that again. He'll just feel attacked. Just try to learn from the situation so you can both move past it and ensure it doesn't happen again. Then you just have to forgive him.

[BlueCat]

I really appreciate all the support and feedback guys. I know it wasn't an issue of him not being able to deal with the stress/emotions of a loss like that like some people suggested, as the first time he visited me, my grandpa died and he came with to the funeral and was really sweet and supportive during that time.I read several posts last night before deciding that I should contact him about it. Since it was late, I e-mailed him. I tried to keep it brief and non-threatening, just explaining things. We ended up talking about it, he mentioned that he was suprised that I was still upset about it, I guess because we have talked about it before and he has apologised before. But he apologised again and was really good about the whole thing. He said he never meant to tell me, but apparently he almost got fired from work that night which lead to him making a bad choice. Not that it's an acceptable excuse, but it at least helps explain why he did what he did. And he said that he didn't do it in a malicious way to try and hurt me, but that it was simply a bad and inconsiderate decision on his part.

Long story short, I think just getting it off my chest some more helped too and I do feel better about it.

I guess I don't read it that way. She said she was waiting outside (not waiting for him to come look for her) and figured he'd come find her, maybe she just needed air and assumed he'd find her when she wasn't inside. I don't think it sounded immature. Even if I misread that, one can't say regardless of the circumstances she should have done this or that - emotions aren't that simple, especially when one is alone and has suffered a loss.[COLOR="Silver"]

In regards to that, I guess it can be seen as playing games, but I wasn't intending to. The first thing my SO does when he gets home from work, is come and look for me if I'm not in his room. So I just naturally figured that he would again, especially in those circumstances.