Trouble in the relationship

[silvergurl11]

so my bf and i have been talking for 3 years, we didnt make it official till we could meet up which was in feb. we started out great but when we became more serious problems arouse like he was mad cuz i wouldnt text or talk to him much in his opinion or i wasnt showing as much effort as him or doin lil things like he would do. our fights were serious. i now try to show how much i am commited into us and do everything to ake us happy but when we had the fights he said hes just gonna sit back and let me run the relationshipp to prove im trying and he wouldnt show the same attention as he has till he sees it in me. well its been a couple months and it still seems like he just sittin there. weve had some other fights too since. when i went to stay wit him for a week he didnt think i was showing him attention (not sexualy) which i agree i did seem like that, later that night we went bowling and play pool wit 2 other couples that he is best freind wit, i was on his lap just showin him attention when we went bowling and walked over to pool area and would hug him and come near him well out of no where one of the times i was hugging him he said now your showin attention and i was like i have been then he stormed off, i went chasin him but one of the girls who was leavin the bathroom stopped me sayin he be fine. so we all went back to bowling area and i waited for him to come back, when he did he was upset and i was holding his hands askin whats wrong cuz he wouldnt talk to me well after a min or two he stormed off again outside and i went chasing after him and all his friends stop me sayin i make it worse they will talk to him. well ll them left me by myself so i went to bathroom cryin then girls came and talk to me sayin i did nothing wrong he should be in here talkin to me well 20 min later he open girls door and called me out and pulled me aside sayin he wanted me gone by noon tomorrow we were arguein and talkin and went outside were we argued more and we got in my car and made up then left wit his friends. now recently were havin another argument because a week before he came out to see me the first time i had just quit talking to an old kissin buddy. he thinks theres more and theres not, i agree what i did was messed up but i dont know if we can make it past it, me and my bf were serious but we were also off and on serious for past two years and when he was talkin to another girls and havin sex wit them last year i just kinda moved on and had a kissin buddy when i went to parties, we never did anything more but we would sweet talk and call each other babe. i didnt take my bf serious if he was really comin out cuz its happen before but i knew i shouldnt be shady any more so i quit talkin to ex kissin buddy to move on to something serious wit my bf well my bf found out and now were stuck on if we should be together or not and were goin no where. he says he will try to forget and we move on but i dont see it happenin really and also threaten me if i slip one more time were done and theres no talkin about it, it just end. i think thats really dumb because were in LDR were gonna have those moments and i dont want it to end over something dumb. and i hate feelin like im the only one in this relationship and that hes not tryin anymore, everything we would argue about before like textin within 30 min sayin what we will be doing things like that he dont do. he go forever without textin me then make plans and not tell me till hes leaving and he dont like if im on my phone for any reason if were skypin yet he is constantly on his and hes out almost every nigh playing poker til 2 to 6 am keepin me waitin up if i dont have school and even some nights when i do. it bothers me soo much but i feel like i have no right to say anything because im the one who did this to us. idk what to do, say or think, i feel like my brain is fried. please i need advice?

[ChibiFelicia]

Firstly hi there! Secondly that was a hard block of text to read.

The first impression i got from reading that is he's acting fairly immaturely. It's quite controlling too. I know i dont know the full story or from his p.o.v. The way he acted during that bowling night would so not fly with me. It's not ok to be like that towards your SO. To me it seems like you two need to get to the root of the problems and talk them out. The way you 2 are going is jsut going to keep hurting. He shouldn't be throwing out threats thats not what a relationship needs.

I think if i were in your situation i'd write down everything i'd want to say and let him know you want to talk and calmly talk it all through. You may not be able to solve everything but if you haven't already told him how you feel then at least he'll know.

Im failing to understand how you feel you have no right to say anything because you feel you're the one who did this to you both. It takes 2 to tango. We all make mistakes and yes some hurt more than others but he cant hold it over you forever and expect to be in a happy loving relationship.

[Haley53]

Does he ever accept any responsibility at all? Telling you don't show enough affection, then storming off when you do show affection? He sounds incredibly immature, and to be leaping to the conclusion of "I want you gone" and making up all in one night and then deciding if you slip up once, he's gone, but god forbid you say the same to him etc... This sounds like an extremely unhealthy dynamic.

Have you ever been blunt with him? Being completely honest, regardless of his immaturity, I'd have told him at this point that you need to know what he wants from you, because you feel like he gets angry at you even when you change your behaviour to his taste, like showing him more affection. I would suggest not being accusatory with it. Tell him "I feel" and "I'm asking you what you need...", but at the same time, be honest. This whole act of treating you like you owe him is ridiculous. You either accept something's not working and move on, or you accept something's not working and you both do something about it; you don't sit there like you're entitled to sitting back while they maintain the relationship, as that's not how it works. I would honestly consider having a talk with him and laying out everything, including what you both want from the relationship, because this entire situation sounds like a lot of game playing on his end and unless he wants to grow up, it sounds like he's extremely immature to even be in a relationship to begin with? My best suggestion is talk with him, because how he's treating you isn't fair.

[silvergurl11]

Yea I know I wrote a very long blog, Im sorry for that. I wanted people to get to see most of the story because I believe the details were important to get best answer. I have one friend I can talk to about any problems but I dont like having to go to her all the time, she has her own problems. She knows the situation but I like to have others opinions. To answer your questions yes I have been blunt with him at times and he will apologize and realize hes over reacting or he agrees with my feelings. I tried to do this again a few nights ago and he got upset because he believed that i was trying to turn things on him because I make so many mistakes and cant handle taking it. We have been up and down on the situation. He decided to add the ex kissing buddy on facebook to see pictures oh him and if there was any of us to see what we looked like together. he said he laughed about it and apologized for how he acted and that we can move on. Then last night he said he cant get over thinking there was more and just asked if there was please tell him and I said no, as we talked he just asked if we left hickies on each other. I forgot about it but there was one time the guy did leave one on me, so I told my bf. He got mad and got off skype and went off saying Im a liar and he believes more happen and hes mad that I lied and said more never happen when when there was this. I believe it was dumb because I did forget and he shouldnt have acted way he did. I was honost with him but he dont believe me so I told him the whole story over again for like the 5th time and told him Im honost and he wanted the truth so I told hi, sorry if the truth hurts. Also said sorry you dont believe me but Im telling the truth and I dont want to have a realationship feeling guilty because I lied. I know I told the truth its on you to believe me or not. I do think the way he acts or handles things is childish and it upsets me because he has called me the child. He doesnt think I want the same thing as him but my dad can see it and thinks its him that doesnt want what I want and he dont even know the whole situation. But I do agree with both of you and thank you so much for your response, its nice to get others opinons for problems.

[Darth_Taco]

He's a total bitch. Seriously, just look at his behavior. If you were to see this happening to your best friend, would you be ok with it? Of course not, so don't be ok with him acting like this with you. He's incredibly insecure and controlling. He will apologize for his behavior, and then turn around (sometimes suddenly, sometimes more gradually) and do the exact same shit all over again. He'll humiliate you in public, he has you on your toes at all times because one mistake and he loses his shit, he makes you feel like everything is your fault, he never truly admits when he fucks up, he basically behaves like a wife beater without the punches. I'm sorry, but you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. I suggest you just cut your losses and leave him, because it only gets worse from here. Trust me, I saw this shit with my parents the first 10 years of my life. It will never, ever change.

[silvergurl11]

Thank you for your advice, I am seeing more when hes wrong and makes it look as if he is better than me. I do understand him being upset about wheat i did a week before he came out but I dont agree how he acts wit what i did before him while he was having sex wit another girl. He can come up with whatever excuse but oh well. I t sucks his friends and family think bad of me now but I dont know word by word what he sadi and he could have exaggerated to make himself look better. Idk but it may be dumb of me I still want to try to get through this cause I knew him for years before dating him and he didnt act this way. If we cant work it out I do have the courage to leave him and try to move on. I dont want to because he can be a great guy majority of the time just past month almost has been bad. I hope we do find better times and know what I need to do if we dont. I think we will still have our small disagreements but as of now we are gonna try to for better and I will know in couple days when I go see him if its worth it or not. I do appreciate everyones advice, its great to have others in same relationship as me and give me their opinions without knowing either of us. I do want to hear a guys opinion just to see if they think different.

[Zephii]

I hate to be blunt and all, but... what do you see in this guy?

Love and relationships aren't about keeping score or making the other person feel bad, or making them earn things. That's messed up.
Also, who you kiss and what you do with people you were with before him is none of his business. If you chose to tell him, cool, but he can't demand that of you and he shouldn't use it against you, yell at you or make you feel guilty. The boy has issues.

I would strongly recommend letting him go make some other girl miserable.

[Darth_Taco]

Dude, nooooo... Bad plan, really bad plan. You're like the billionth person to say "I can help him change, he wasn't always like this". My father didn't always choke out my mom, she wouldn't have gone past the first date if he did. These people have a mask that they show to the whole world. Why do you think their closest friends and family never do jack-shit to stop them? Can't do anything about something you know nothing about. As they get more comfortable in a relationship and feel they have more freedom, that's when they show their true colors.

I'm sorry to say it, but this is the real him.