Is there still hope?

[shayellec]

I confronted him about what was going on with us and what I was supposed to be in his life. For two hours, he explained that he did have feelings for me but the problem was the distance. I argued that the distance was never a factor before since we had no trouble communicating which each other. He agreed with me but said that everything that's been going on between us wasn't good enough for him regardless of how we felt about each other and how much he cared about me. He said that he was confused because he didn't understand how he could have feelings for someone that he's only spent a day with and developed a strong friendship through the internet. He's confused that maybe his feelings for me were just a strong attachment to a friend who happened to be a girl. He's also afraid of getting hurt. He said that having this much emotion and feeling toward me makes it that much more likely that he'll be hurt if things don't work out. He said that him getting a girlfriend was his way of telling me that we had no future. He went on about how he has commitment issues due to his past relationships, that he didn't know what he wanted in his life, and he didn't want his own personal issues to mess me up as a person. However, he gave me hope by saying that what he has with this other girl is no where close to what we have and that I was more important to him. I was so confused and I still am about how or why he would say that; was it to make me feel better or did he mean it?

He also confessed that he knew when I started to develop feelings for him and that he realized from the very start that he didn't want a long distance relationship. This whole time I assumed that since he always told the girls he was seeing whether or not he was interested in them, he would do the same with me. After hearing no objections from him, I assumed that he was fine with the distance. He also always told me that he wanted and was determined to move to North America and was always on the lookout for jobs. Because of this, I thought that being together wasn't impossible; granted we would have to spend a part of the relationship apart, but it was possible to be together. I asked him why he never said anything and all he could say was that he didn't want to lose me. The conversation ended on friendly terms with me telling him that I needed time for him not to be in my life. He said he would give me as much time as I needed to get over him.

We haven't spoken since then but I found out that since then, he's been asking everyday or whenever he can about what's going on in my life and how I'm doing. Should I still keep hoping that there's a chance for us or should I just let it go since he's reluctant about putting more effort and emotion into a long distance relationship? Was I just a stand-in until he was able to find a girlfriend? How could someone disregard their feelings for someone and go to a relationship that's more convenient?

[lala]

ok I don't get that.. are you guys in a relationship or just broke up and has been before?is it an open relationship now?
he sounds very confused and like he doesn't know what he wants as there are also those other girls in his life.. hmmm strange situation..

[Haley53]

I feel like you need to keep doing what you're doing.

While he may very well have feelings for you, and be interested, sincerely, in how you're doing, in the end, he doesn't want a long-distance relationship, and he's made that clear. Maybe I'm putting my own experiences onto yours, because I had someone with whom I had those more-than-friends conversations if even for a while our feelings were unspoken (and everyone was a bit flustered when they finally were), but it's easy to think that you can be the one to change their mind. It's easy to think that maybe one day they're going to wake up and realise how amazing you are, how amazing the "us" and the "we" could be, how worth it it will be even if you have to deal with the distance for a while, but in the end, it's not about you. It's not about his feelings for you. It's about what's going on in his life, in his head, on his side of the world, and with his opinions on LDRs. "Long distance relationships don't work," my friend told me, but I have learned that the reason his previous LDR didn't work and the reason ours never would have is because he decided that for us. He decided he didn't want a LDR - he liked sex and physical affection way too much, dated numerous girls, had sex with most of them, etc., yet they were never anything serious - and that's what sunk our possibility. It wasn't that he didn't realise who or what I was or the relationship we might have made work; it was that he had decided he didn't want to do it before he even gave his feelings for me a chance, and that's all we needed not to work.

I can't tell you why there are some men who will lavishly pour out their hearts and thoughts only to tell you that they never planned on taking it anywhere. I can't tell you why there are some men who are so quick to desire and seek emotional intimacy from someone from afar, only to keep their toes dipped into the dating realm where they may find their sex and physical affection. I can't tell you why some people want to have their cake and eat it too, and do it almost callously, but some do. And as similar to my situation as this sounds, I would worry that you would become the "in between girl," the one who he comes to for emotional intimacy and closeness when something's gone wrong with his girlfriend or when he's in between girlfriends, and that affection and closeness cease to exist when he's in a relationship, else it'd be "inappropriate." Given what you've shared here, it does sound like he might have recognised the affection you shared, but it may have been more one sided than a mutually shared experience, as you describe it.

Frankly, I would tell your friend not to talk to you about him anymore because you need time to heal, because he said it wouldn't work and because he's dating and probably always will be. I imagine that if physical closeness trumps an intense emotional connection now, it would in the future, and that could only ever lead to more heartbreak. I am sorry you had to go through this, but it's only a few months out now. I would honestly tell your friends and anyone else who has contact with him that you don't want to hear it, as that's only pouring salt in the wound. Continue on doing what you need to do for you, keep the line of communication down, and work on healing and on coming into your own.

[shayellec]

Thank you so much for your advice and kind words. It's really difficult to let go of that emotional closeness especially if you're as guarded as I am about who to let in your life. I did not take all his kind and sweet words seriously at first because I could tell he was such a flirt. But after a while he started reinforcing his words with actions like calling me long distance when I say I'm sad or I'm having a bad day and then staying on the phone with me until he's convinced that he's cheered me up. And you're definitely right about the whole physical closeness thing with Jay. He does sleep with most of the girls that he dates and that's the main reason why he's willing to date them. He'd tell me about his past relationships and how he viewed them and frankly, I should've been more logical and listened more closely to what he was saying. I kept thinking that despite his faults, his best attributes and our emotional intimacy were worth the risk and that somehow, I could change his outlook on life. I just don't understand how he could tell me continuously that he cares for me, only to lead me on. Granted he probably leads on several of the girls he's dated, but for my case I don't understand why he would invest time in someone far away and let himself develop feelings for me. Because I can honestly say that looking back on it now, I can see when he started developing feelings for me and it was around the same time that he started acting on his feelings more.

I don't know if this is a bit callous of me to ask, but is it just men who often value physical intimacy over emotional intimacy? More so than women at least? Because if that was the case, the solution would be for me to stop thinking like a woman and start looking at things from a man's perspective. I've tried looking at it from his perspective (he's estranged with his parents after witnessing their divorce due to his father's infidelity, he feels pressured to have a serious and committed relationship due to most of his friends settling down, and his need to have affection) but it hasn't worked. I know that I need to accept what happened in order to move on, but it's just difficult for me as a human being to place something as fleeting as lust over a strong sense of caring. I'm not claiming to be in love with him, but I just really want to understand how anyone can be so self-centered. Most of all, it's just difficult to think of how close we were and know that that connection is no longer there.

It was important for me to cut myself out of his life because I knew he wasn't going to do it himself. It wouldn't be fair for me or his new girlfriend. And to be honest, I was really afraid of the kind of person my jealousy would cause me to become. I'm glad to read that I'm not the only one who this happened to. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for letting him get so close to me and I've been beating myself up over it ever since. How long did it take you move on? It's been four months and while I have made considerable progress, I feel like it's taking far too long.

[shayellec]

we weren't officially in a relationship but we both acted as if we were and before anything could be official, he decided that it wasn't worth a shot regardless of how great he said 'we' were.

[Haley53]

The idea behind men vs. women and sex is, quite frankly, a myth as far as many studies are concerned. There have been differences shown in the general attitudes of men and sex vs. women and sex, but as far as biological needs actually go, it's hard to prove there's much of a difference at all, depending on what stand you take. That being said, I and plenty of others are in relationships with people who go without sex/physical intimacy for months at a time. My boyfriend and I do 3-month and 6-month stretches and others here do even longer. I was explaining something to my partner about a show I was watching, and he disagreed with the principals of it and said, "Then the relationship becomes all about sex. I wouldn't want a relationship where we needed sex/physical closeness to tie us together. Fuck that, it's not worth it. That's not a relationship." So people do have different values, and it's not based on whether or not you're a man or a woman. Hell, I know women who are more into casual sex than the men in my life! So I honestly don't feel like "thinking like a man" will shed anymore light on it, given that it's not a male trait. It's a trait unique to this man, not characteristic of all men.

Why are you ashamed? You took a chance. You met someone, you developed feelings, and it didn't work out, but you took a chance, and by doing that, you did more than a lot of people ever do. Sometimes we'll do things and they won't work out. Sometimes they won't work out and we don't know why. But the important thing is to be able to say that we've done them, because life's nothing without taking chances. The quality of one's life is severely limited if they're constantly hovering in their comfort zone and playing it safe. And it's terrifying, I'll admit it, and it's real easy to beat oneself up when you take a chance and it doesn't pan out, but in the end, I think taking the chances that end up working out far outweighs taking the chances that end up not. As for how long it took me, well, we were friends for three years, and I stayed in contact with him even after he broke my heart, so that extended my getting over him by years. I would say it took me maybe several months after completely cutting him out to get over him completely and maybe a bit longer to stop thinking so much about the situation or him at all. These things take time, but you shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed. In the end, you'll have grown and learned from this situation and that's the beauty of tragedy, because it only pushes you closer to finding whole and complete happiness.

[floridaellen]

we weren't officially in a relationship but we both acted as if we were and before anything could be official, he decided that it wasn't worth a shot regardless of how great he said 'we' were.

Unfortunately you can't really convince someone to try out a LDR if they don't want to. I'm sorry that this happened to you. We're all here for you.

[shayellec]

i understand all the reasons that he gave me about not wanting an LDR. i'm more hurt by the fact that his own personal issues about commitment don't apply at all to girls that he can physically be with. commitment issues don't just vanish overnight or by closing the distance.

[Haley53]

i understand all the reasons that he gave me about not wanting an LDR. i'm more hurt by the fact that his own personal issues about commitment don't apply at all to girls that he can physically be with. commitment issues don't just vanish overnight or by closing the distance.

Wasn't he dating from the time he went home though? You said he told you it was nothing serious and that he didn't feel the same way, but that he was still dating around. How long have his relationships lasted in the past? My opinion is y ou're too upset to see that his commitment issues do effect his physical relationships and that they do apply to the girls he meets in person and has physical relationships with.

[Moon]

Some people are simply not cut out for an LDR, at least he was honest with you in that. It's nobody's fault, the relationship just can't proceed if someone's heart just isn't in it, and LDR's can be hard; there are people who know it's not for them and no amount of love can change that. I'm sorry, but it sounds like he's being truthful with you which is a good thing, even if it hurts now.