Now He Might Put an Ocean Between Us?!

[Lunar Snow]

From a guy's perspective, he feels like a big shot for being flown out to the Netherlands, a place you already said he loves, for a job that I can only assume would pay him pretty decent money. On top of that, assuming he cares about you, he feels like he has a woman that loves and supports him. "Why wouldn't she be happy for me?" he reasons. "This is a great opportunity. I'm going to be doing so much for us."

He is excited, his ego is being stroked, and he thinks you're on board with him. He means well and his intentions are good, but he's being a little selfish and isn't sensitive to the way you feel about it and he's not looking at the possible long term effect this move might have on your relationship.

You need to tell him everything you have told us, plus the things you haven't.
One of two things will happen, you will hear the change of tone in his voice when he realizes what this might mean for your relationship and he might put the whole thing on hold, or at least rethink things from the perspective of you both instead of just himself. Or, he'll get defensive and question why you won't support him on something so important to him.

In either situation, you guys are at a crossroads. You can choose to walk down the same path together and stay committed to one another through some more difficult times. Or you can decide that the road is too long and hard and the struggle of the hike is not worth it.

Either way, you have to make this decision together and this can't happen if you aren't completely completely completely honest with how you feel about this and what your concerns are and he has to do with the same. You're either on the same page or you aren't.

The emotions involved can make this all harder.
Good luck.

Hi, thank you for a guy's perspective. I think you hit on a few points that might be very relevant in explaining his behaviour. Yes, a talk definitely needs to be had.

Do you have any suggestions of how to get him to be open about his feelings, etc.?

---------- Post added at 11:46 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:45 AM ----------

Yes, good points.

It doesn't sound like you have told him about these feelings. He might not be including you in the job hunt, but have you told him how you feel? Talk to him. Communication about these things is hard, but you have to tell him. You said you've made compromises and are waiting around for him. This doesn't sound good. And you making yourself miserable and expecting him to do the same is not a recipe for a happy relationship.

I think you need to have a long good talk with him about what you expect for the future of your relationship. You guys have to get on the same page and soon.

[Lunar Snow]

Thank you, Tanja, it really was comforting to have your empathy.

I am very sad to hear that you two are LD again. Yet, I am glad to hear that he has discussed with a you a motivation that could further help your relationship. I am glad that you have decided to stick it out and have been really open and mature in your conversations. I really hope for the latter with my SO.

As I have said in my other responses, a more serious discussion is on the horizon for us. I'm very unsure how it will go, as he may try and close himself off from this sort of discussion. On the other hand, I think he needs to have some courage; it's not fair if he intends to keep things going always as the way they are and/ or could take or leave our relationship if he moves, without really being honest with me in any situation.

My SO just moved back home to job hunt after we'd been living together for over a year. I really feel your pain as I too feel like he's put his career before me.

If you really love him you can get through this. We had plans too and now they've all been blown out the window for who knows how many years to come. The only way I can accept his choice is by thinking that he did for US, because he wants to make more money to provide for me and to secure our future together.

If he gets/accepts the job it's really up to you whether or not you can live with it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you as much or that he doesn't want to spend his life with you. My SO told me that to him this is just something he has to do cause he genuinely belivies it will benefit us in the long run and I have to take his word for it because I don't want to break up over this.

We were in a LDR for 3,5 years before closing the distance and yes, going back to LDR now is devastating and I've never felt so lonely. But I have to believe that our love for each other is strong enough to get through this and we'll finally end up together forever. What we have is too special to be thrown away.

If you feel like this is too much for you to handle then you have the right to tell him that and end things. But you definitely need to have a serious talk with him first to see how he feels about this situation, because to him it probably is like LoveL said: "Why wouldn't she be happy for me?" he reasons. "This is a great opportunity. I'm going to be doing so much for us." and you DEFINITELY need to tell him how you really feel so that he can see your point of view as well. You can't plan the future alone.

---------- Post added at 11:56 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:55 AM ----------

You definitely need to talk to him about how this will effect you guys' future & the opportunity to close the distance. As much as you would like him to do, can't read your mind, so u need to make ur feelings known...

Yes, good points. Somehow, though, he needs to understand that I can't read his mind, either!

[Lunar Snow]

Well, in some ways, I have been like you and maybe haven't applied for certain jobs or taken part in other opportunities, because I felt that they would make more difficulties in our relationship. However, my SO doesn't really think like that, it seems.

Yes, he could feel resentful, but I am glad you also note that I should express my feelings, anyway. I have been careful, in what I have said or asked about so far, to not make statements to him that are obliging him to not take the job.

I have thought about your final paragraph there and could maybe handle a year. However, I get the feeling that this job would be permanent and would require at least several years of commitment, if not more. Yet, I don't know for sure, because he hasn't been open about these details. :S It's difficult to be decisive and clear in expressing my feelings, when I feel in the dark and have to pull information out of him.

One thing that my long distance relationship has taken from me, is many, many job opportunities. For several years now I have refrained from applying for jobs which are like dream jobs to me for the chance to visit and be with my SO. I don't blame my SO for it, but I feel like I have missed out on a lot. Maybe if I had talked to him about it, he would have been ok with me taking one of those jobs for a while. But I always felt obliged to not do anything about them so that we could be together.

Your SO has a great opportunity before him, yes it could set your plans back, but if he's really looking forward to it then not being supportive is only going to make him resent you for his decision. That doesn't mean you can't tell him how you feel, because you should, but it's possible that he might not get that sort of opportunity again and if it only ends up being for a year, it's not such an imppossible set back.

---------- Post added at 12:04 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:02 PM ----------

Thanks; I appreciate your understanding of both sides of the coin. It was helpful for me to have a little summary in your post.

Being in a LDR is harsh
And sometimes making choices about a job or a career is also harsh.
My SO will move to my country, well that's the plan, and he will have to let go of his work.
I know that's a lot to ask of someone to leave work.
And I don't know what I would think or do if our plan to close the distance would be crushed because of some career opportunity.

Like in your case, I guess it's right to be happy for him as a career is important.
But I also think it's right for you to feel sad, worried or upset because it may mean the plans are changing.
I understand both sides of the coin really.

But as other said, talk to him about it.
Who knows, maybe you could move there eventually with him?
Wouldn't that be a possibility?

---------- Post added at 12:08 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:04 PM ----------

Yes, I think that's the most hurtful part. The issue has sort of evolved beyond the potential to be further apart and has come to a crux of how he feels about me and treats me in the relationship. That's what makes a little voice creep in and suggest that even a discussion might not be helpful at this point, as there could be a fundamental difficulty in our relationship. Ahh....depressing.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if after two years together, and making plans for the future, your partner sought an international job without even consulting you, he's letting you know loud and clear what his priorities are - and you're not one of them, I'm afraid.
This was a deeply cruddy and inconsiderate thing to do; you've been together long enough that the least you deserve is still more than that.