Is my girlfriend controlling?

[frompanthertomustang]

It seems as though she may be giving up more in order to be with you than you with her (correct me if I'm wrong). I don't think Zapookie meant that you should give up your dreams in order to be with her, but those dreams (I hope) don't include a lot of drinking or not notifying her when you're going out (especially to Hooters). The studying abroad and military, etc. are things you both should definitely talk about. If those are things you really want to do, I believe that she will be behind you on them, even if it's difficult for her. I understand her not wanting to say goodbye to you for longer than she has to, but if you explain to her that these are things you really want to do in life, then hopefully, she'll support you, as you're supporting her decision to graduate early, etc.

[CKJS]

I don't think she's controlling. With the drinking if you become a different person or let you get to he point of being drunk when you drink I totally understand! My boyfriend went to a friend's party and drank a lot. He acted a bit different and honestly it annoyed me. But after feeling so sick from being drunk he didn't want to drink again. But I did tell him if he wanted to drink I just didn't want to talk to him that night. But yeah, it sounds like you could have a bit of a drinking problem and she's just wants to take care of you. You agreed to it.

Checking in on you. I 100% get that even more so in a LDR. I don't think she should have gotten so mad when she found out you went to hooters. But perhaps she just thought you were lying to her? She shouldn't get so worked up about it and discuss it first. But my boyfriend and I are always checking up on each other. I do it because I care. I care about his life and what's going on and also that he's safe. When she comes to visit I get wanting it to just be the two of you hanging out. She probably misses you and wants that time with you.

It sounds like she is doing a lot for your relationship. I'm sure you do things as well but maybe she is worried you just don't want to put the effort in and in a LDR That is SO important. You both have to try your hardest. I know when I thought my boyfriend kind of just blew things off about our future it drove me crazy. He's usually amazing about it but those times I was annoyed.

I think you guys need to have a talk about all this. But compromises are going to need to be made in every relationship.
If it continues to be a problem for you maybe consider ending it?

[Zephii]

I think everyone has a different view on the "still individuals" or "one unit" thing, but personally I think she is right on that score. In a serious relationship everything effects your partner. You can't take two complete uncompromising individuals and expect a relationship to go anywhere. When you commit, it stops being about you and what you want. In a successful relationship the other persons wants and needs are parramount.. always more important than your own. It takes a certain selflessness.

I agree with you that your dreams/goals should become hers also, that she should want to support you because she loves you however you are not at all doing the same for her. Her number one dream and goal is to be with you (physically not just bound together by the titles of people in a relationship). The way she feels about having a CD relationship is just as strong as you wanting to join the military etc.

Relationships are hard, they are a lot of work and responsibiliy. It's ok if you are not ready to be fully in this, but you need to be man enough to let her go find someone who can give her what she needs if you are not that guy. There is always something we can shift or change to fit our special person into our everyday life, without giveing up the most important things. I guess it comes down to... What do you want more?

[Romeo s Juliet]

When I read the initial post by you, all i felt is that you are not ready to compromise to ANYTHING with ur SO. I am sorry for being that direct, but that is the case with your relationship. It is true that you have dreams, all of us have dreams, and even while in a relationship we are all still individuals. and we have the right to chase those dreams. Your SO is doing all the work here because she wants to close the distance with u, but you think she is moving fast and want to keep you in one place and trying to control you.
you have every right to drink, join military, etc etc, but when it comes to being in a relationship with your GF, what is different is, you dont have to sacrifice even one of your dreams, you should share your dreams with her, make her an important part in your dreams. let her know she is involved. and you do that by sharing your day to day life with her. tell her what ur plans are, but you dont seem to do that, if your going out let her know, come home and msg her and tell what u did, involve her in your life, talk to her about yr dreams and tell its ur dream to join the military, talk out how to deal with it, dont just be like HEY U KNOW WHAT I DO WHATEVER I DO WITH MY LIFE, AND SHE NEED TO UNDERSTAND!
NOO. it is never like that. seems like you are not that excited to end the distance. you want to run free, and she wanting to make a life with u and wanting to end the distance soon looks like such a trouble to u.
She is fixed on you, and she want to make a life with you NOW. You are fixed on her but you dont want a life together with her NOW.
that is the difference. you cant give that live to her NOW because you are not ready for it. if that is the case, you dont deserve a gf who is as commited as her. also if you think that she sacrificing her dreams has nothing to do with you, because you didnt ask her to, you clearly have no idea how many things people sacrifice because of love.
seems like you need to sit down and figure out if you want to be in the relationship or not
good luck!

[Malaga]

She expressed interest in joining a sorority once, which I was not really comfortable with

Why not?

[Haley53]

I think everyone has a different view on the "still individuals" or "one unit" thing, but personally I think she is right on that score. In a serious relationship everything effects your partner. You can't take two complete uncompromising individuals and expect a relationship to go anywhere. When you commit, it stops being about you and what you want. In a successful relationship the other persons wants and needs are parramount.. always more important than your own. It takes a certain selflessness.

I agree with you that your dreams/goals should become hers also, that she should want to support you because she loves you however you are not at all doing the same for her. Her number one dream and goal is to be with you (physically not just bound together by the titles of people in a relationship). The way she feels about having a CD relationship is just as strong as you wanting to join the military etc.

Relationships are hard, they are a lot of work and responsibiliy. It's ok if you are not ready to be fully in this, but you need to be man enough to let her go find someone who can give her what she needs if you are not that guy. There is always something we can shift or change to fit our special person into our everyday life, without giveing up the most important things. I guess it comes down to... What do you want more?

I agree with this.

I'm also curious as to if it's possible you might be projecting some of your stuff onto hers? For example, you were uncomfortable with her joining a sorority (even if you didn't let on) when you want to join a fraternity, yet you accuse her of being the one to have the trust issues. You're fretting over the fact you won't make the same sacrifices she's willing to, so it seems you're automatically expecting she won't support your goals/ambitions?

[Deleted]

We are around the same age (I'm 19 but to turn 20 in june, and my SO is just a month younger than I am), so I may understand where you stand...

...but like the others have been saying, I'm more on hers. If she drinks less it is because she knows sho she becomes in that state and she wants to avoid problems, and since she knows sho you are, then try being controlled in that. I do not want to sound like too much of a nerd but getting drunk 3 times a month soundes like MORE than enough to me.

About going out and not telling her. Believe me it's not fun waiting for someone eagerly and that special someone does not get by. It adds up if you are in a long distance relationship where all you can do most of the time is to talk. I expect one or two special days in the month, maybe because we get on skype, or because we prepare something special to one another. Because it is our only way to compense the dates we do not have. I've never told my SO not to go out and neither has he done that to me. He appreciates a lot when I call him to tell I won't be able to go online and so I do when he does, because it shows that there is interest. Plus...there are worriers out there and it is not really their fault being like that, if you do not report once in a while, a worrier might think you are not alright and the worst part is she would have a good reason for being worried. Telling where you are heading is normal.

There is a difference between being committed and perhaps kind of worried and being controlling:

Committed
- will tell you where she is and will ask for the same in return
- is interested in talking to you and knowing how you are
- may want you to avoid unhealthy habits (let's face it, alcohol is not the worst thing ever but getting drunk is kind of unhealthy)
- wants you be part of your life
- will allow you hang out with friends of opposite sex but may get a little jealous perhaps, will only warn you perhaps

Controlling
-will DEMAND knowing where you are and with whom every hour of the day.
-wants to talk to you all day long and have you interrupt what you may be doing
-healthy or unhealthy, she will want you to avoid everything she does not like you to do and she will demand you to do it
-wants to be your ENTIRE life
-won't allow you to go out with other girls and will cry every time you do

I hope you see the difference, it's mainly that Committed=wants you to be alright and wants time with you, Controlling=wants your soul and cage it so you can only be hers. I'm being extreme :P But it is just to make it clear! I would just talk to her about it, but never accusing her...because she is not doing anything annormal or wrong.