Facebook- destroyer of relationships?

[Haley53]

I have always found Facebook to be much like long distance. In the same way long distance will bring out issues with communication sooner than a close distance relationship, Facebook will bring to light issues that already exist, and will likely cause problems again if not dealt with.

I don't have an issue with Facebook, and neither does my SO. I would say it's caused issues once on his end since we added one another, but it was all sorted and over with with one non-accusing question, and it's caused issues once for me, but those issues would have been caused without Facebook as well, simply further on down the line. Other than that, we've both been on Facebook for over three years and it has yet to cause real issues in our relationship.

My opinion is that a lot of people are insecure. Insecurity is a hard one to work on, and a hard one to face. As opposed to facing it and working on it and realising they're probably the problem, not the photo their partner liked or commented on, it's easier to delete Facebook. My opinion is if Facebook has played a role in divorce, those relationships were being eaten away by insecurity and lack of trust to begin with, with or without reason. The divorce statistic was pretty high, even before Facebook. :P Facebook simply makes visible the issues people don't want to deal with. I don't have issues with Facebook and the issues that are caused by Facebook are not at all present in other parts of our relationship, either. It's easier for me to deal with my issues as they surface as opposed to deleting something I enjoy interacting on, same with my SO.

[LoveJ]

Facebook is a medium that gives people the opportunity to do what they want, say what they want, and think what they want without there really being any regulations about it, which means that you have no control (short of deleting or blocking someone) over how people communicate with you there. For those who don't have the utmost trust or confidence in their SOs or relationships, Facebook can feel like just an avenue for dishonesty and a place for insecurities to thrive.

I agree in that Facebook itself isn't the problem, it's how actions on Facebook are perceived. In this day and age, a big chunk of people's social life IS Facebook, and while it gives people full access to see everything that goes on in someone's social life, it also gives them the opportunity to start asking "why". "Why are you friends with her? Why did she make a joke to you? Does she like you? Do you like her?" When you interact with someone in every day life, every sentence the other person says isn't on full display, but on Facebook it is, allowing its dissection to anyone's heart's content.

LoveL and I have had our squabbles over Facebook simply because with our lives being 2500 miles apart from each other right now, it feels like we don't know everything about each other when little things come up on there, and that can feel pretty shitty sometimes. But we're also on there together, and our relationship is in full view of everyone. I think the point I'm trying to make here is to reiterate that Facebook isn't the problem; if you're keeping secrets and being dishonest THROUGH Facebook, there's an issue there. If your SO being on Facebook makes you feel insecure just on its own without there being anything weird going on, there needs to be a conversation about why you feel like that.

[squeeker]

I agree facebook is not have to be a destroyer of a relationship. With my SO and I, we both have a facebook and go on it regularly, but it hasn't caused any huge problems. There might have been a few things before we were in a relationship but they didn't turn into major issues. I think facebook is fine, but I also agree that it was a good thing for people to delete facebook if it is becoming a problem.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Is anyone else having massive deja vu with this thread?

Anyway, I agree with earlier sentiments. Facebook isn't the problem in itself; it's how it's used (or abused) that becomes the issue. If it weren't for my SO, I'd hardly ever check it and neither would he. We only still have Facebook profiles because we use Facebook messenger to talk sometimes. I mainly use it to talk to my SO, follow political/social activism pages, and sometimes to keep in contact with my friends. My SO and I have the popcorn policy on Facebook drama: we sit back, read it aloud to each other, eat popcorn, and laugh our asses off. I think that if Facebook is causing a rift between you and your SO, there's some trust issues that were already there.

Edited to mention: My SO and I have considered deleting our Facebook profiles, but not because of drama or jealousy or anything. We're more worried about privacy and how careless Facebook is with our data.

[Dauntedpoet]

We have discussed it several times.

I deleted my facebook more than a year ago after having it for several years. It created stress in my life, and awakened insecurities in myself about my physical appearance.

A gorgeous female friend from my SO's high school group of friends started posting a bit flirty on his page. He behaved completely appropriately, never flirted back with her, responded in a way that always shut down flirting, and all his friends commented on her posts, it HURT ME. My insecurities went through the roof. I started scrutinizing ALL the posts on his page. I was EMBARRASSED beyond belief. I talked to him about it, but in a too casual manner.

It took one week, from the first post, to my deciding to delete my facebook page. I knew it was not my SO's fault at all, it was 100% mine. I brought the subject back up with my SO, and told him I was deleting my facebook. He offered to delete his facebook. I used it more than he did, I told him absolutely not.

Life became instantly simpler. I realized ANYONE that really wanted to see my face, would arrange to see my face, and vice versa. Most of the people I was wasting time reading about, I'd never see or hadn't seen in years. I gave them all my email and messenger info. AND people would actually have to make an effort to communicate with me. My brother never called me to tell me my Aunt died. He posted it on facebook, I hadn't checked it over the weekend, I missed her funeral. He didn't call until after my uncle and cousins asked where I was.

Blaming Facebook for destroying relationships, is like blaming bars/nightclubs for cheating SO's.
Its just another way to meet people. Look at facebook like a bar. If an old 'friend' from high school was in a bar one night, when you went there once without your spouse.. and you had a great catch up chat..No harm done. If you go back to that bar every night over and over again, to talk to that 'friend'. Slippery slope to destroyed relationship.. IS IT THE BAR'S FAULT?

[efish1042]

I agree with Zapookie. I'm really glad this worked for you and has helped your relationship! Facebook really can be a problem for people. It's never been an issue with us, so until it does, I will happily enjoy my FB. Congratulations, tho!

[lonelyinlove]

Both of us, barely go on our Facebooks so its not really a concern...

However, when our relationship just started and I was less secure secure & would check his page to see if particular girls were posting on pics & his page & im pretty sure he was doing the same,

But now we've been together for almost four years, so it's not something that's really a concern in our relationship anymore...

[Hololz]

I deleted my facebook for 3 weeks during april. Productivity went through the roof! I didnt really want to get it back, but surprisingly, my mum and my SO both told me they really missed me being on it, then my friends started complaining pictures I had uploaded of them had dissapeared. Then, 2 weeks ago, I was talking to my mum on skype, there had been 2 accidents in my village, one involving somebody I knew, and the other happened just 2 doors away from my house (a woman was crushed by a horsebox walking along my road) - I reactivated simply becuase I wanted to find out if those involved in the accidents were ok, and, as sad as it is, facebook was the easiest way to do this. I'm not quite as addicted as I was before...

The only time facebook is an issue, is when i post on his wall or comment on a picture of him. He really dislikes it for somereason, but i think he' just prefer me to tell him dirctly if i "like" something, other than on a public platform.

[floridaellen]

The only time facebook is an issue, is when i post on his wall or comment on a picture of him. He really dislikes it for somereason, but i think he' just prefer me to tell him dirctly if i "like" something, other than on a public platform.

My SO is the same way. I mean he doesn't get angry but he thinks Facebook is totally stupid and only uses it to post about football (why not just get Twitter?) so he's like "Why didn't you just say you thought I looked good?". I only really post funny things on his wall now.

[SDPersona]

My boyfriend and me are both on Facebook, not actively, though. We're both currently very busy and I honestly felt that I don't really need Facebook because if I want to know about a friend, I just call or text. It's only because of my out of country friends that I'm still keeping my account. I also figured once I'm moving to my boyfriend I'll need Facebook much more to just keep up with my friends in my country.

As to us, Facebook doesn't affect us in a negative way or at least we don't make it a problem. I know, that a friend of mine got very addicted to Facebook and got jealous over his many female friends, some of those very beautiful. She didn't let Facebook affect her budding relationship with one of my boyfriend's friends, her jealousy and insecurity did. If you're having problems, don't point it at facebook. It's only a means of communication and a way to keep up with friends.
I'm glad though, if just deleting your account helped your relationship considerably...

[Carenza LaRue]

we use facebook a lot these days for friendly social interaction with our mutual friends. We met at an international site about 3 years ago and we all transferred to a secret group on FB. Our love started a few months ago for all our friends to see when he started posting great songs on my wall. Every one in our group knows we are together and it's all going well.
Thought it was funny to see him flirting around before we became a couple but he stopped flirting as soon as we got closer. To me it was an eye opener, he showed me he became serious about me. I didn't stop flirting to others, in the beginning. Guess it's just my nature to flirt with anybody, male or female. I don't mean anything with it but I noticed he is more conservative about it. Talking about how and why he felt this way, brought us even closer because it gave us the opportunity to really know what is on our minds.

I am not the jealous type of woman, I trust him. But he has had some issues with past GF and he is a bit more jealous in nature. Whenever a woman from outside our group, posts something on his wall I just read it and think he will explain to me who she is. So far so good. I have to accept he has had a life before me. Most of the time I get introduced to his friends and it works fine.
It's the other way around too of course, but he has a bit more problems talking to strangers. Good thing is, he knows it and he is dong his uttermost best to open up to my life.

So, in a way FB is good for us. It shows to each other how we behave in different types of interaction with different people and I wouldn't want to miss it. The way I interact with other people makes him feel more safe and secure about us, because he can see what I am doing. He knows I have no secrets for him and it built trust over time.
The more private things we discuss through skype and email.

[Kerry]

facebook has been a key component to our communication. the only issues we've had on it are women who have tried to break us up. but we've both blocked them and-poof- no more problems!

[kteire]

I'd like to be able to say that I've never been upset over something on facebook... but I have once. The thing I didn't like involved a girl who was actually into him, and I'd known that before she posted stupid things. Other than that, we've both used Facebook for ages without problems. I never have the urge to log into his account and snoop, and I seriously doubt he has. I wouldn't take that as a problem with facebook, but a problem of trust issues. I know so many people who blamed facebook for break ups, trust issues and finding out bad things, but in those cases, there were serious issues in those relationships that ended them... and facebook was just a tool to expose that. My sister had her own suspicions that her boyfriend of 4 years was having an emotional affair, and she was massively jealous and wanted access to his facebook, all the while telling herself to be more trusting. In the end it turned out she was right, but even though facebook confirmed that, that wasn't what destroyed their relationship.

I don't know that I'd give it up, I live overseas from my family and friends, and it's a good way to keep in touch with home And when I lived at home, it was a great way to keep in touch with my friends/SO in Ireland!

[leonsfangirl]

I think Facebook is only an issue if you make it an issue. It's not the root of the problem, only an aide. That's all I'm gonna say on this.

This!!

I met my SO via a Facebook game so i love Facebook! without it i wouldn't have met my SO.

[Deleted]

I hate facebook in my relationship but it is the only media he constantly checks to communicate with me during the day (during night we skype or use msn), since we do not have texting plans in our phones or any of that.

I do not think he would delete his account since it is what he used to talk with his friends of other places (he's been a nomad all of his life, has close friends in some other cities). I can't really tell him to delete his account and I can't delete mine either because even teachers are using it now to post the whole homework details (sucks).

But at times I hate it because I can read conversations with his ex crushes and I've done it once, it's really uncomfortable. Also he has an ex and she's on facebook and she talks to him every now and then. He also had two profile pictures with his ex and he thinks I've never seen them because he deleted them as soon as we began our relationship...but unfortunately to him, I have a very, very good visual memory, so it's not like deleting them made any good. I have worked to be less of a stalker though, since I've learnt it generates unnecessary insecurity and jealousy and etc.