Meeting my SO's ex?

[rossm]

Hi,

In a few weeks I'll be going to see my girlfriend. I couldn't be more excited to see her but here's the problem:-Around the same time I get there, her ex boyfriend will be coming back from college for the summer...
I definitely do not want to meet him but unfortunately he's friends with my girlfriend's close circle of friends.
So why don't I want to meet him? He raped my girlfriend and abused my girlfriend a lot during the last year of their relationship. The worst part is her friends don't have any idea about it and neither do her parents...
Am I being out of line by refusing to meet him? I can't just act like nothing happened. I can't forgive him for treating her like that... Personally I think the guy should be in jail or at least be as far away from her as possible!

Your thoughts? Thanks in advance!

Ross

[floridaellen]

I don't think you're out of line at all. In fact, you probably shouldn't meet him because if you're anything like my SO, there may be a fight.

[snow_girl]

Has she hung out with him in a group setting since breaking up? Is it possible that she can hang out with only a few friends while he is not there? I wouldn't want to meet a guy like that either.

[LoveL]

So don't meet him.

If what you say happened between them really happened, then she needs to be nowhere near him anyway.

Plan who you guys hang out with and make it clear to those who you are going to be with that Mr. Half-Balls is not a welcome part of this group.
Your girlfriend doesn't have to tell her friends why she doesn't want to be around him. (Although I personally think she should.) All she has to say is that she is not comfortable with it. If her friends are any friends at all, they should understand.

I wouldn't want to meet that guy either. I feel ya, man. I would have a hard time restraining myself were LoveJ in that same situation. Actually.... I don't know that there would even be any restraint, honestly.

[Rugger]

You are def within your rights to not want to meet him however I think you should take your cue from your girlfriend. Discuss it with her first and then proceed on a united front.
My boyfriend wouldn't be happy if I was anywhere near my abusive ex. He flat out told me he'd break his face.

[LoveJ]

My question isn't whether you feel justified in wanting to meet him. My question is why you would be put in a situation in which you would considering how he treated her.

I can understand sharing a group of friends and that causing some overlap, but if he raped her, why would she even want to be around him, even if it's with the rest of her friends? And why hasn't she said anything about that? It seems like there might be a bigger issue that needs to be dealt with here than just meeting an ex.

[Rugger]

My question isn't whether you feel justified in wanting to meet him. My question is why you would be put in a situation in which you would considering how he treated her.

I can understand sharing a group of friends and that causing some overlap, but if he raped her, why would she even want to be around him, even if it's with the rest of her friends? And why hasn't she said anything about that? It seems like there might be a bigger issue that needs to be dealt with here than just meeting an ex.

She probably doesn't think her friends will believe her, especially if they are good friends with him. Maybe she doesn't want to cause drama or is trying to pretend it never happened.

When I was assaulted, I didn't tell anyone for years. I didn't think my friends would believe me because my ex was their best friend. It turns out even when I did tell them , they didn't believe me (still don't). Sometimes it easier to ignore it than let it consume your whole life.

[lonelyinlove]

If I in your position, I wouldn't want to meet him either.....

Scratch that, yes I would, bc I would punch him straight in his face (I'm not suggesting this though fyi)

But I completely understand your position....

[efish1042]

You're completely within your rights. However, if your girlfriend is insistent on hanging out with her friends and he will be with them, I would want to be there just to keep an eye on him and have her back.
Talk over it with her. She probably doesn't want to cause drama with her friends, although I really think her family should be made aware (or at least one trusted member).
Make this point to her. However, whatever she decides, you need to be there to support her. If she doesn't want to see him, then make sure it doesn't happen. If she is determined to hang with her friends/him, then you should be there for her... just try not to punch him in the face. As much as the SoB deserves it, your lady clearly wants to keep this under the radar.

[carolynred]

You're completely within your rights. However, if your girlfriend is insistent on hanging out with her friends and he will be with them, I would want to be there just to keep an eye on him and have her back.

This I agree with 100%. She would probably feel safer if you were there with her as well. I would want my SO to be with me if I was going to see an ex like that. I completely understand why you don't want to meet him though. Like the others have said, talk it over with her and see how you two want to go about it. She needs you more than anything in this case. You don't have to be best buds with the guy, but if she wants to keep everything on the down low it will help just for you to be there ya know? Makes everything look normal.