Dealing with a death from a distance...

[Nolanki88]

My girlfriend very recently had a fairly close friend pass away. I have told her everything I needed too such as I'll be here to support you and do everything I need to do. Including making an emergency visit to be there. She told me not too visit. She doesn't want me there because in the end I would have to leave and that wouldn't help anything. I don't really understand it and am seriously struggling with not being there to hold her in my arms and take away the pain. Has anybody dealt with anything similar?

[Kristin91]

Last year, right after Thanksgiving break my SO's grandfather passed away. Unfortunately we were both back at school, and I couldn't make an emergency visit up to see him. Although I'm not sure he would have wanted me to; he didn't make it known at school that his grandfather had just died because he didn't want the open sympathy. So maybe it's for the best that I was forced to stay at school. If she really doesn't want you there (I can see why you leaving would upset her), then I think you have to respect her wishes and be supportive from a distance. Good luck! And I hope she feels better!

[bigmac62]

I am very, very sorry for your girlfriend's loss...my condolences to her and her friend's family.

Actually, the script was flipped a couple weeks ago, as I lost my best friend, who was going to be my best man at my wedding.

Brutal truth... She's probably right. Having you visit might not help at the moment, because once you leave, she's probably going to be really sad on top of the sadness she already has.

Good news though...I remember feeling after I told my girlfriend (who was really close friends with him as well) that she would shoulder this weight with me and be with me, even though she was far away. I'm sure that, while she mourns, she knows you have her back and are willing to shoulder some of the burden with her.

Hope this helps, and again, my condolences.

[Nolanki88]

Of course I'm respecting her wishes and not going to visit. Its just so difficult to see her in pain. She talks about being broken all the time and that's when it kills me.

[Haley53]

My boyfriend lost his mother this passed October. They were incredibly close, and our relationship struggled/suffered a lot as a result of it. There were a lot of things he did that I didn't understand, but I realised that in the end, hard as it was to accept, I didn't need to understand. I needed to accept where he was at more than I needed to understand it, and what he did didn't need to make sense to me; what was important to realise was that it made sense to him. Grief is a very consuming, very selfish (I don't mean selfish negatively here) process. There's a lot she's likely to say or do or ways she'll react that you might not quite "get." The important thing is to be there for her and learn her needs while also learning to be there for yourself. You can't take care of anyone else unless you're taking care of yourself first, so do remember that. It's easy to lose yourself in your partner's grief.

[Dauntedpoet]

We've dealt with death 3 times, my grandfather, who I adored and saw everyday. When he stopped driving at 90 I drove for him, shopping, out to eat, such wonderful conversations. He died at 96. Shortly after my SO had left from a visit, there was no way for him to come back, we had sort of anticipated it. We've had so much of our relationship online at that point it had been 7 years.. so he supported me by listening and being there constantly.

My brother was killed in a motorcycle accident, my SO also offered to come to be supportive of myself and my other brother and our families as he knows us all after so many years, but at that time, I had to keep myself together. I was the one everyone turned to, to take charge. I was caring for my sister in law, my brother's 2 children, my children, arranging the details of the funeral. I HAD TO function. If my SO had shown up, I would have fallen apart and collapsed in his arms. Instead I talked to him online, where I could still share everything, but also keep it together. He listened, and when I was tired of talking, he talked about nothing at all, so I could listen, simple things, he was just there.

3 months later before I was suppose to leave for a visit to him in the UK, my sweet Judy, the woman I'd been an adult foster parent to for 7 years, was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. The next 7 months I did hospice care for her in our home so she could be with the only family she knew. When she passed away, my SO again offered to come, but he would've only been able to stay 4 or 5 days.. and I would have fallen apart in front of my children, and 5 days wouldn't be enough to put me together again.

When I saw him 4 months later at his place.. I fell apart and cried for hours while he held me. 14 days later when I left him, with his visit planned for 6 months later, I was together.

[bigmac62]

I understand, and if you let her know as much as you can (within reason, of course) that you will help her shoulder this burden in any way you can, she may not feel as broken anymore. :-)

[Jazi]

I'm sorry that you're both having to go through this. When someone you love has a loss in their life it does greatly effect you as well. I haven't experienced having to support my SO through losing someone to death so far.. but he has had to support me through 2 losses in the last year.

I was very close to my Nanny (Nanny is what I call my grandmother) and she was diagnosed with cancer as me and my SO were starting our relationship. she lived 4 hours away normally and I would visit her every few months, after she was diagnosed she was moved into a city hospital and I would visit the hospital almost every day and talk to her for hours. She was so happy to hear how happy and excited I was to meet up with my SO (at that point we hadn't met and were waiting to see how things would go). Last April (2011) on the third day of ever being in the company of my SO I took him into the hospital to meet Nanny, I am so glad that I did because otherwise he would never have met her.

I had planned to go on a trip to the UK in July 2011 to visit my SO. Nanny didn't want me to cancel my plans and she really hated to see her family so sad because of her. She was very clear that she wanted us to enjoy our lives... so she didn't tell me really how much time she had left. she said it would be our last christmas together in 2011..The last time I spoke to her was on my birthday, July 2nd 2011, on my boyfriends phone from the UK. I flew back to Australia on the 1st of August and she had died while I was flying home.

It was the most absolutely horrible time of my life, missing my SO so much after just having left him and coming home to the shock of her dying. and honestly, I didn't really need my SO to do anything in particular to support me. just having him there to talk to me when I needed it.. we skyped a lot and I would cry a lot to him over skype. It was a huge double whammy because I'm already so emotional after a trip with my SO. I know he felt a bit helpless but I think he would have felt helpless whether he was here not, it's hard to support someone going through that, being right in front of them doesn't magically fix the pain of the loss. having gone through that loss though, all i can say was I wanted him to just be normal and listen, talk.. just be us.

On my second trip to the UK my step grandfather died (Nanny's husband, I call him by his name, Warren). He died around 6 months after she did, he was so miserable without her and had already been fighting cancer in 2010. I think he just gave up, she was the reason he was fighting and it wasn't worth it anymore. He had been in my life as long as I can remember but the pain wasn't so strong, I knew he was at peace and 'with' Nanny now. It was still hard though, I didn't get to say goodbye to him and he died a week before I was coming back to Australia.

there has been comments made that everytime I go to the UK someone dies.. that better not happen this time. It does make me feel a little uneasy even though I know it's silly and it was just bad timing.

anyway, the point to this post was to give you a point of view of someone who has gone through death while LD and the support my SO gave me from a distance. I think if you just be you and keep the communication up and have patience with her you will both get through and have a stronger connection because you would have supported her through one of the hardest things we go through as people.

[Spriteling]

I am going through this right now; my SO's grandfather just died. As I'm in the middle of exams, it's impossible for me to make an emergency visit, so I am just trying to be there to listen and comfort her, whenever she needs me.

[Softy]

my condolences to her and her family.
A thing to consider, ppl do cope differently about 'death'.
Some ppl need to be around their loved ones, some ppl need to be alone for a bit.

Maybe the reason why she doesnt want you to visit is that now she is sad, and when you visit and leave she will be of course sad cuz you are leaving.
Maybe that's just a bit heavy of emotions for her at the moment.

Best thing you can do, as other said, be there even if you are not there.
Tell her: 'Well you don't want me to visit and I respect that but know that if there is anything i can do, I'm here for you'.
Just being remembered that you 'are there' even if there is a distance between you two helps a lot (talking from a personal opinion).
But sometimes just simple words from a SO can make a huge difference in your day/week.

[Nolanki88]

Thank you for the advice during a tough time everybody. It was all very helpful.