trust issues due to his ex, am I going to pay for it?

[Carenza LaRue]

We had a long 'talk' this morning through FB chat.

It started as always... I came out of bed at 5 AM, started up my computer, made myself coffee and read my messages on FB.
My early mornings are his late nights, he is 6 hours ahead of me in time.

We chatted about things he is doing in and around his house, he showed me some pictures of furniture he has bought recently and it was all pleasant.

For no particular reason, his ex girlfriend was brought up and our conversation led to trust issues. Or better said, the lack of trust he feels he has in OUR relationship due to her and what she has done to him.

It's really stupid, almost childish I admit, but I find it difficult to see he still is hiding his changed relationship status on FB.
He told me he has been through this before with his ex and that he is cautious this time and that he would change his status as soon as he feels secure about me.

I told him I am not his ex. Then he said to wait and see until after september, when I visit him.
Okay, I can see where it comes from and I agree in a way. We have known each other for 3 years as virtual friends and we only became close since January (I think it was) We haven't met yet.
So I understand perfectly why he wants to be cautious. He told me the same thing happened with his ex...they were all lovey dovey in the beginning, according to him. Then she did a few nasty tricks on him, he got mad, they got in a fight and it was over.

Then enter me. Totally different personality I have, he told me. Okay, I understand why he is cautious, why we should take things slow and so on.
But things between us are really going well. We have no secrets, we tell everything to each other, we are able to speak our minds so there shouldn't be a problem.

Still, this morning I got the feeling he is bothered with something and it has to do with the trust issue he has.
I know him, when he moves away for a while he doesn't want to talk about it. I normally just sit back and let him to the talk when he returns. We talk it over and it's out of our system and we move on.

This morning he brought the ex up and something she did to him. He didn't say it with so much words, but I felt like he was accusing me of doing the same. It had to do with the change of status on FB. I asked him why he still didn't show the change. It turned out a conversation about what love really means and he told me that it's only words so far. He needs more proof I love him. I got a bit angry and said that words are the only tools I have right now but that I am working on it to see him soon. He understood, we both agreed we are depressed and he left for bed.

I made myself another cup of coffee, thinking about our conversation and then I got mad again. Why does he keep comparing me to his ex?
He knows I am totally different by now...I mean every word I say, I do everything I say. It's just that I am bound by responsibilities in my own life now and can't be with him the way he wants. He knows I love him and that I don't have ulterior motives like his ex had. (read money motives)
I know he loves me back, but still he can't state for the world he loves me in a simple FB status change because he needs to feel more secure?


Tell me....am I going to pay the price for what his ex did to him? Am I pushing him too hard?

Or is this trust thing specific for LDR's?

Thanks for reading, I hope I was able to make it all clear.

[Jazi]

How long has he been broken up from the ex for?

If he is bringing up his ex in conversations fairly regularly that is a 'red flag' or warning sign to me that he hasn't completely moved on from her. Even if it is just in the way that he still has issues with the ex, that is still a form of not having moved on and he is bringing those issues into a new relationship.

My ex mentioned his ex gf quite a lot, it caused issues in our relationship and I think that he needed to move past his issues/relationship with her before dating someone else. Our relationship ended because I wanted a proper commitment and stability, I don't really think his heart was in it and I was just a burden to him in the end as I wanted things to become more serious.

the FB relationship status.. I think you're being a little hard on him here, I didn't change my relationship status until well after our first visit together. FB is VERY public and "official". A lot of people have judgements on LDRs that start online and I think it is a very rational and level headed thing to wait until you have confirmed your feelings from meeting before you change your FB relationship status.

and as for your actually questions at the end of your post.. you may end up paying the price for what the ex did, only you and he can say how much the ex is effecting your relationship, I would say its a warning sign and to keep an eye on it and keep your communication open but rational and making sure you say on each others 'side'.

pushing him too hard? on the FB status thing I think so. Announcing to the world that you are officially in a relationship with someone you haven't even met yet can cause a lot of negative judgements from people. I myself want people to take my relationship seriously and didn't jump into any major commitments until meeting.

the trust thing? well, my current boyfriend has never really bought up issues that he can't 'get over' from his ex. I would say we have higher trust in each other and our relationship than I did with my ex/he did with his ex. I think it's the quality of the relationship that counts, not the distance.

[Zapookie]

To be honest, I think it's perfectly fine for him to not want to change his status until you meet. My boyfriend and I were friends online for a long time before we really became romantic, and even then, neither of us made it public who we were with until maybe about 6 days before he booked his ticket to see me a week and a half later. I still found it odd calling him my boyfriend once he was here.

Each person goes at their own pace. If you love him, you'll wait as long as it takes for him to be comfortable enough with the idea. It's also just a Facebook title. It holds little weight in the offline world.

[Carenza LaRue]

wow,

great answers so far....thanks for your input... it means a lot to me and I can use it very well....so thanks again.

thing with changing the status is... I was fine by how it was before. I was just 'single'.
Now, I got introduced to him 3 years ago on this international dating site. the site has a forum too and I knew he had his girlfriend so I talked to him briefly and on few occasions.

the dating site changed over the years, too much trolls and we started this special group for ex members on FB. He was there, I was there and it just happened.
but since the nature of the group was 'dating' based, I still got a lot of private emails, pokes, flirtatious posts on my wall.

he told me he didn't like it.. so I changed my status into 'its complicated' .. knowing he had these trust issues, I just wanted to please him and make him feel secure.
I hoped guys in our group would understand and that it would stop. I stopped flirting myself as soon as we got closer but for some reason, it just doesn't work. People were used of me having laughs and flirting...

so we talked about it...and I suggested we would change the status into being in a relationship, he agreed. but he told me his 11 year old son is reading posts on his wall too, so he would hide his changed status for a few days until he had informed his son about me. I was okay with it and still am okay with it. the whole status thingy isn't so important to me... I just wanted to show him what he means to me...

Keep in mind he is 53...bit more conservative than I am. I do anything to make him feel secure and he knows it. He appreciates it and of course it done well for his ego. But what I don't understand is that at the same time, he compares me with his ex...because it seems now, she changed her status the day after they met.

they broke up about a year ago, on his initiative because he found out she was after his money and she needed a place to stay. Now, he kept posting on the forum because he had made a lot of friends... and so we got closer, though it wasn't the intention of both to start a relationship.
I think he is over her, but not over the hurt she has done.

yeah, I think that maybe we went too fast... but I am not planning to change anything and I think he is waiting for me to change my mind.

in the mean time, I hope I haven't portrayed him in a bad way.. he is the sweetest guy I've ever met and I love him to bits..
it's just that we are confronted with so many new things and stuff.... that is why I am so happy I found this site. ... for help and support.

[Jazi]

You haven't portrayed him badly, we all have issues with our SOs and need somewhere to vent/talk it through and get opinions from others.

as you've explained the FB relationship status a little clearer I understand where you are coming from but I still think that I would personally feel uncomfortable declaring our relationship "official" in the FB world until we had met.

As for the flirting thing, well yes it does usually help get rid of guys flirting with you if you have a relationship status on FB. But some guys are still going to ignore it. It's up to you to say "no" or behave responsibly when dealing with members of the opposite sex, if a guy approaches you in a bar you're not just going to say "I'm in a relationship" as your opening line.

so I don't think this is a very good motive for having you both change your status if you're not ready. Although your SO needs to communicate how he feels about it better, If his reasoning for hiding the 'in a relationship' on FB really was because of his son then thats understandable.. But if that was just an excuse/reason for why he had it hidden and didn't want to tell you that he was feeling uncomfortable then I would see that as an issue. Communication is key!

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I think that probably, you and your SOs frustrations with each other is because you're not really on the same page. You have to take into account that while you've been single and flirtatious and comfortable just meandering in and out of the casual dating world, he fell in love, and got his heart broken.
Time helps us if not forget pain, at least lets our memory of it fade, and he's been burnt more recently to you. So although you may be ready to spring into this head first, his reservations are going to be based on his recent experience. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you or doesn't love you, it's just that, understandably, he's going to be more cautious than you are, and as you said "Words are the only tools I have right now". They're his only tools too. All he can do is talk through his anxieties. And whilst you're more quickly in a healthy, optomistic place, ready for this relationship to grow and develop and become more and more serious... he's just not there yet.
Cut the guy a little slack. I think ultimately, here you're rushing him a bit, and although I know it's got to be as frustrating as hell for you, you need to slow down to his pace, because if you try to push him to go as fast as you want, you're probably going to end up making him think you're incompatible, and you're not the person he thought you were when you were friends. Don't kill this before it's even had a chance.

[Haley53]

I second everything Biddlybiddlybombop has said.

I'm not sure I necessarily agree if it's a "red flag" to keep bringing up his ex, unless it becomes about him comparing you to her on a regular basis, simply because I have been there. I have been in positions where baggage from my past relationships has carried over and so has my SO. When I was there in person, I remember we ran into a group of his friends and he immediately pulled his hand away. Having been in a relationship where my partner was completely ashamed of me, I confronted him about it when we got to the train station and directly asked him whether or not he was embarrassed by me - someone he met online and who lived in America - and demanded he be honest with me, even if the truth hurt. He said not at all and asked why I would even think such a thing and so I pointed out how there were a couple times he had reflexively let go or loosened his grip. It turns out that in his previous relationship, she had treated him similarly (reasons I won't get into) and it had simply become automatic. Once he became aware of it, he stopped doing it, and I felt more like his girlfriend and not some secret lover when running into his friends or people he knew. The thing is that the issue and the behaviour stopped once it was confronted. I understood it and he became aware of it and worked on it.

I think that it's a bit improbable to assume that every single person is going to be completely baggage-free going into a relationship. We all have certain responses that are there because they were conditioned, or that may have come over from a past relationship. Sometimes people are burned harder than others and some people are more likely to remain "traumatised" by what they want through. My mother's been out of her relationship (divorce) for around 6 years now and she still has trouble trusting men when it comes to dating. This is a scar that she's working through but that anyone who desires to be with her will need to understand is there for the time being. Right now, his ex is his scar, and like Biddlybiddlybombop said, he's been burned more recently than you have and therefore is going to be a bit more cautious about it, especially if this serious relationship is something that started out online or even that he jumped into "irl."

While I can understand your reasoning for wanting a changed FB status, regardless of what his reasons are, I would ease off a bit. Having had a boyfriend who was also shy about it, because he had reservations about the types of responses he'd receive, I can understand why it's frustrating when you're wanting to show him off to the world and he's... well, not ready for it. I can understand your position even more when the reason he wanted you to change your status was more or less so that he could lay claim to you. That sounds terrible put that way, but in the end, that's what it is, isn't it? He didn't like that there were men flirting with you and so he wanted you to change your status. You may have offered, but I'd be hurt if my boyfriend demanded it from me in that manner for that reason. Perhaps this is something that you could discuss with him. Tell him that you understand why he doesn't want to change his status or publicise it but that you want him to be able to trust you. That said, you have to give him someone he's able to trust. Flirting about is no way to respond to anyone when you're serious about someone, and like Jazi said, you're going to run into people who don't care that you're in a relationship. They won't take it seriously because it's long-distance and you'll have to learn how to say "no" and how to turn people down and how to, well, not flirt. It's possible that his trust has wavered because he not only got burned in a recent relationship but yet here you were flirting around while he still felt very serious about you. The title of a relationship should not mean that much in that way, in my opinion.

I feel like many of your issues stem from the fact that there's little communication (at least on this issue) and you're both wanting two completely different things. You're both on two different pages. He wants to take time to set your status until you meet (my boyfriend did too, initially, simply because he had this idea that he wanted to make it official only after we confirmed it would work) and you need to lay off him for it. However, if you're worried something else might be going on, or if you're confused, I would lay out some boundaries. Let him know you know that he's waiting to publicise his status and you're fine with that, and that you're sorry for pushing it before, but that you want to know if he still feels you're both in an exclusive arrangement, or even more vaguely, how he views your relationship? Does he view it exclusively or not? etc. Find out where you are on the page of an actual relationship, as opposed to the titles, and that may help you feel a little bit better.

As far as whether or not you're going to "pay," I feel like "am I going to pay?" is a little bit of a harsh term. Like I said, it's not realistic to think that most people you meet are going to come into your relationships baggage-free. They don't even have to be related to previous relationships! For example, I have massive issues with alcohol that my SO, while he's been understanding, has also had to be patient with, and I have had to be patient with him in him reaching that understanding (he's more sensitive to it now that we're dating and there are visits where his friends have invited us out for drinks etc. than before, when we were friends with no real plans of ever meeting). That issue is not due to him. It's due to nothing that he's done. It's due to the experiences that I have had with alcoholism being a very prevalent problem in my family. This was years and years and years of conditioning and while I'm working through it, the scars run pretty damn deep. I could choose not to ever date, but I could also choose to accept that there are some feelings and rules I have about alcohol that apply as a result of what I've been through; people can choose to acknowledge those, too, or decide we aren't compatible. When it comes to your SO, this is who he is. He comes with these scars. :P No one comes to you a blank slate, unless, perhaps, it's your very first relationship. These are some of the issues that you're going to have to deal with, but they can be worked through, and I would talk to him about it. Tell him you understand that his ex has hurt him in some very deep ways but you want to do your best to work with him to get over those issues so that you can both move on from it and have a stronger relationship. That's a part of what being in a relationship means. You accept all of a person, not some of them, and you don't drag them inside and leave their bags out on the street. I think you really need to re-think the way you're looking at it, because framing it in terms of "why do I have to pay for what your ex did?" is only going to strain/hinder your relationship. You likely have some issues, or will have some issues along the way, too. Treat his as kindly as you would want him to treat yours. This is a new relationship and it's not yet solidified. Decide now if you want to put effort into working through this issue or not, but at the same time, I don't think you should be treating this/him like you both should be diving head first into the shallow end of a pool.

[Carenza LaRue]

Thanks again for so many wise words.

Don't have much time now to respond as it is getting late already and I only now came home from work and still have to have dinner.

I read all of your words and I already seen some good advice. Will look into it tomorrow and let the wise words sink in.
I've been thinking about these issues all day... my SO reassured me he loves me, wants me and needs me but that we have to take it slow.

Fun thing is, whenever I say....okay...let's take it slow....I'll visit you in september ...then let's see what happens... he answers with the saying that it's way too slow for him but that he trying to accept it.
I think he is confused about himself ... (he once told me that he gave up on love when we were in friends) and that he is now in the middle of some sort of personal processing. I don't know how to translate it, sorry.

Thanks again...
wow.... you people have no idea how much these advices mean to me... I am so happy I found this site and people who keep me with my two feet on solid ground.

[Softy]

Lots of ppl said it all, thought I'd share my bits of story
Most often the women are more eager to spread word of their new relationship.
We tend to fall faster and be more excited about a new bf more than guys are (not for every women but most id say).
BUT, to talk about my experience, when someone has been hurt a lot in the past we tend to be more cautious.

By all mean it doesn't mean we don't love our SO.
But for me, my current bf was throwing the 'i love you' a tad too soon.
Also he was talking about me to his friends and family before we met.
To me we 'werent together' until we meet face to face.
I didn't want to change my 'status on FB' and neither talk about him to everyone because truth is, I was scared as hell.
Scared that he might be just here for the trip of having a LDR flirt or something.

But then we met, I fell for him.
He kept showing me how he cares.
He kept saying 'I love you' and did prove to me he's here to stay.

So slowly, I did let my 'walls' down and now I do trust him.
Ive changed my FB status, told friends and family and am happy about it.

Sometimes, you just need to give it a lil time.
Talk to him, be there for him and things will be just fine.
Not everyone is ready at the same time.

[LoveJ]

I can give you a few words of wisdom from experience.

LoveL and I both come with pretty horrendous relationship pasts, and we both came into our relationship together feeling a little bit of the things we used to just because we had dealt with them for so long with other people. So the fact that he still feels some of that isn't weird, and it's not strange for him to still be cautious. I was for awhile, and I think Love L was too.

But then as we got to know each other, and in that time you realize your SO isn't like the ex that treated you badly, you start to heal a little bit every day. Sometimes something might happen that reminds you of something someone else used to do, and as a natural instinct you get your back up a bit about it, but it does get better, and it starts to fade. I trust LoveL in a way that I've never trusted anyone, and have never been loved by anyone as much as he loves me; having said that, there was still a bit of residual "ick" I felt about certain things as carry-overs for a little while, and no matter how much he loved/loves me, some of that stuff just takes time to go away. But things do heal, and I'm sure your SO will too. The biggest thing is that he wants to, and that you're patient with him while he does. If he gets irrational and does things like accuse you of cheating because you went and had dinner with friends, and you'd never done anything to make him think you'd ever be unfaithful to him, well, that's a much deeper issue and one he may need to get external help for in someone who can dive deeper into it.

It's not strange for him to want to be a little careful in the beginning until he's sure what happened with his ex won't happen again. Chances are, after whatever happened, he felt very hurt and even a bit humiliated, so wants to protect himself from that. But it won't always be like that, like I said, as long as he doesn't want it to be and will let you help him. He just needs to know that you're not like her, and it'll come. It doesn't happen overnight, but it'll come.