I need some advice

[mariab1]

My SO and I have been together since February 2011. We haven't met in person and it had to happen in June, but now I'm not so sure anymore. We agreed that I'll book my flight in May and I tried to discuss it in April, but he said he needs some time to think. I thought it's okay and forgot it until now. I've been asking about it almost every day and for some strange reason he ignores this subject. Finally I got mad and told him that he has to explain me. After it he said that he has to tell his family about me and he felt it's easier to ignore it because he knew I would start crying, because it's complicated. Some of his friends know about me, but not his family. He said that he's been thinking about it for weeks and it's depressing. He says that americans don't trust foreign people, especially his mother. He said that she would call him every day and cry on the phone and tell him to break up with me. She's more than sure that you can't trust someone from Europe, maybe you'll get killed and so on. She thinks it's bad to meet someone on the internet. We've talked about it before and I knew his mother would be this way, but I'm very positive person and I thought she'll accept it because her son is happy, but I guess I don't even have a chance to prove her that I'm not some terrorist. I've been counting down days and waiting for the summer because we had to spend it together, but now I don't know what happens. He said we should think about some story to tell his mom, but not the truth. I hate lies, it's so bad and he hates it too, but it seems like it's the only way. I've been thinking about solutions like 4 days and it's killing me. The fact is that we can't tell his mom the truth or we have to break up. It would be awful pressure that his mom would make.

I just wanted to share it with you guys and maybe you can give me some advice what to do or what to tell his mom because I can't come up with good ideas anymore and I can't imagine my summer here alone. I'm so sad that maybe we won't make it and we won't find a good solution and our relationship may end.

If you have some ideas, then please share them with me.

Thank you for reading!

[Filly]

Oh dear. How old is your SO if you don't mind me asking? Does he live with his mother?

[mariab1]

No, he doesn't live with his mother. So in my opinion he shouldn't care about her opinion..

[Jazi]

sounds like he needs to get out from underneath his mothers grasp. Think about how much she is controlling his life and she doesn't even know about you yet. This has everything to do with how he is reacting/not standing up to his mother and nothing to do with her actual opinions. So what if she doesn't like it? My SOs parents have huge problems with me/our relationship and are clearly quite afraid he is going to move to Australia to be with me. They are very possessive of their son.

but the difference between a mother who will be an issue and a mother who won't be is more to do with her son standing his ground and what he wants for his life. Imagine being married to him and he takes her side over yours because he's too afraid to go against his mother?

you should encourage him to take control of his life and stand up to her, if hes unwilling to go against his mothers wishes/wants for her son I'm afraid it will be a huge uphill battle for you.

I hope he makes some changes soon x

[Haley53]

Hrm, if you're the one going to him, then I really cannot see why it would be an issue, seeing as my recommendation would have been to arrange meeting her. Would she not be open to the idea of meeting you? Surely if you arrive at the airport and spend a trip there, staying in a hotel or not, she could see you're not some psychopath out to get her son?

The unfortunate thing is that sometimes people do place more emphasis on their family's/friend's opinions than others. My ex was very big on others' opinions and it was, quite frankly, why our relationship ended up ending. It did put a significant strain on the "us" factor and it often made me feel like I was not only dating my ex but everyone else in his life as well. :/ Have you ever spoken to your SO about why her opinion matters to the degree that it does and asked about potentially meeting up with him and his mother? She could even come with him to the airport if she were that worried/threatened.

Is it possible he's using his mother as an excuse because of his own reservations? Or has her opinion been "too important" in more occasions than this one?

[Filly]

I have to agree with the Eclaire and Jazi. I simply can't see why you would be unable to see him if he really wanted you to. I mean, if he's a grown adult I don't see the need to lie to his mother. He should meet you and then arrange for his mother to do so too.

[Moon]

Wow, what a load of crap this guy is feeding you, sorry hun, but he is. The US is a country full of people of European decent, we have absolutely no problem with foreigners from Europe, in fact we can be ridiculously fascinated by them at times. I'm not saying we don't have our dumb prejudices, but pretty much if you're European, Canadian or Australian, we don't see you as any different from us (we might tease you a little, but we like you).

Listen, you've been with this guy for over a year and haven't met him, even though you have the means to do so, and that makes NO sense. Personally, I think he's married or otherwise involved, but that's just my uninformed opinion, but there is definitely something really wrong here. Not to mention that why is his mother even involved at all? I think she's just something he made up to keep you quiet. She wouldn't even have to know about your visit. I'm truly sorry to say this, but there's something wrong here, I don't think this guy is who he portrays himself to be. It might be a good time for some serious investigating, or even running away before you get hurt. Good luck.

[mariab1]

No, I'm sure he isn't married or anything. I respect your view, but it's totally wrong.
His mother lives like 10 mins away and comes to visit randomly so she would find out anyway.
He isn't this way like you are saying, he wouldn't say it just to keep me quiet. He knows that I don't leave it and I'll go for sure.

But I'm glad you gave me your opinion!

---------- Post added at 07:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:44 PM ----------

I agree with these things. I even told him that who cares about his mother's opinion, but he said it's important. I told him that it's his life and parents should support his decisions like my parents do. His not even afraid of their opinions, but he had a friend who met his gf on the internet and he says that people are still talking bad about him and he doesn't want it to happen with us.

Eclaire, I asked the same thing like you and he said she won't care about meeting with me. I told him that I should just get there and then he should introduce me and she will see that we are happy together and I'm not some idiot who wants his money or smth.
Her opinion hasn't been "too important" in more occasions, I'm sure he doesn't use his mother as an excuse. He really wants me to go and he loves me and everything, so this is why I can't understand why is his mother so important. :S

I'll talk about it again today and tell him that his mother can't be the reason and tell him that I wanna book my flight. Not gonna give up just because his mother.

Thank you for these responses!

[Rugger]

---------- Post added at 07:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:44 PM ----------

[/COLOR]I agree with these things. I even told him that who cares about his mother's opinion, but he said it's important. I told him that it's his life and parents should support his decisions like my parents do. His not even afraid of their opinions, but he had a friend who met his gf on the internet and he says that people are still talking bad about him and he doesn't want it to happen with us.

Eclaire, I asked the same thing like you and he said she won't care about meeting with me. I told him that I should just get there and then he should introduce me and she will see that we are happy together and I'm not some idiot who wants his money or smth.
Her opinion hasn't been "too important" in more occasions, I'm sure he doesn't use his mother as an excuse. He really wants me to go and he loves me and everything, so this is why I can't understand why is his mother so important. :S

I'll talk about it again today and tell him that his mother can't be the reason and tell him that I wanna book my flight. Not gonna give up just because his mother.

Thank you for these responses!

His mother is important because she's his goddamn mother. Of course her opinion is important. My parents are happy as long as I'm happy. They'll shut their mouths even if they don't agree with what I'm doing as long as I'm happy. If my mother actually voices her opinion on something, you bet your ass, I'm going to listen. If you two remain together, you are going to have to get used to your in-laws. Just saying.

You can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his mother. Most likely, if he treats her well, He'll treat you well. I would never date a man who didn't value his family. There is nothing more important in my mind than family ( with some exceptions)

[efish1042]

Can't you have a conversation with her? Skype with her to show you're not a terrorist? My SO avoided telling his parents about us because they were very against our age difference (he was 18, I was 15) and he was leaving for college. In the end, my dad ended up (in a dick move) telling his parents and they reacted rather how we expected, but he just didn't care. He told them that while he loved and respected them, he wasn't going to leave something he believed in just because they didn't believe in it. He needs to show that he is in this with you and there's nothing she can do about it, no matter how much he cares about her, too. You will eventually need to foster a relationship with her or risk a family rift, but he first needs to show that you are a united front and that he cares too much to just walk out because "mummy says so".

[Sora1101]

Why not just stay at a hotel so you won't have the unexpected drop in from his mother? Honestly she has nothing to do with it if he was really determined to meet you he would make it so his mom understands that you're important to him and would like to meet you, it would be her choice if she wanted to meet you also, if she doesn't that doesn't mean you shouldn't see each other, you're adults not children. I don't see why she gets to dictate what he does and who he meets in his own free time.

[Kiyama]

I think this whole story sounds a bit strange.
Of course someone should never have to choose between their mum and their partner but you've been seeing each other for quite a while and this issue comes up only now?
He has known this from the start and only now does he come out with it, which I don't find fair to you.I'd be generally worried dating someone who is under the thumb in a way your SO seems or there is more to it and I'm sorry to say this but you should consider that he might be using it as an excuse for you not to come.
So either way I don't think he's been fair to you and you should talk to him about that. I hope it all works out for you.