Beginning of the end? :(

[beaton]

My So and I have been mainly LDR, but not bad- we could see eachother every other weekend or at least once a month. It was still really tough for me at first because I was also dealing with abandonment issues from a past experience, but I made it through and we've enjoyed a great relationship...till now.
He originally graduated college and moved away, triggering our LDR. A year and a half later, I'm done with college and come August have nothing tying me to this area and I want the heck out!

The problem is, he now wants to move back here to be close to his family/ friends, right as I am wanting to spread my wings. When I talked to him about travelling abroad for an extended time he said that he was not interested in trying to maintain an LDR or in joining me. When I asked "What if I get a job in another state?" because there is nothing in the job market here-- he said he would maybe consider moving with me, but not an LDR.

I'm heart-wrenched and crushed. We've been in a semi-long distance relationship and I thought that was making us stronger, and would help us better handle being far apart, but now he's saying that we basically can't stay together unless I stay with him. I'm shocked, because I guess I thought he would want to put more effort into the relationship that we've been building. I didn't think he was so tied to the nest- he has no interest in seeing what's out there. I love him. It really, really hurts, but I know that if I stay with him here I would resent him, or if we still didn't work out be so angry with myself for waiting around. I'm hurt that despite the fact that he got to take the job he wanted in a new town when he graduated, now he won't let me do MY thing, petty though that sounds. I want to make this work, I want to try an LDR but don't know if there's much of a way to convince him. I'm hurt that after a year and a half he doesn't even want to try. Why the heck did we go through it in the first place??

[Zapookie]

I'm really sorry that he has said these things to you.

It's not petty at all. I think you should be able to do what you want to do. If he doesn't want to join you though, there's no way to convince him. You both have to be 100% committed to making it work. If one of you isn't, it will make it a hell of a lot more difficult for you to both come out the other side.

These are the things that put your relationship to the test. We either grow together, or we grow apart. It doesn't mean you have failed or that there is something wrong with you. It just means that this particular person was there for you in the right place, during the right season. But seasons change, as do we as human beings.

[FierceFoxie]

My So and I have been mainly LDR, but not bad- we could see eachother every other weekend or at least once a month. It was still really tough for me at first because I was also dealing with abandonment issues from a past experience, but I made it through and we've enjoyed a great relationship...till now.
He originally graduated college and moved away, triggering our LDR. A year and a half later, I'm done with college and come August have nothing tying me to this area and I want the heck out!

The problem is, he now wants to move back here to be close to his family/ friends, right as I am wanting to spread my wings. When I talked to him about travelling abroad for an extended time he said that he was not interested in trying to maintain an LDR or in joining me. When I asked "What if I get a job in another state?" because there is nothing in the job market here-- he said he would maybe consider moving with me, but not an LDR.

I'm heart-wrenched and crushed. We've been in a semi-long distance relationship and I thought that was making us stronger, and would help us better handle being far apart, but now he's saying that we basically can't stay together unless I stay with him. I'm shocked, because I guess I thought he would want to put more effort into the relationship that we've been building. I didn't think he was so tied to the nest- he has no interest in seeing what's out there. I love him. It really, really hurts, but I know that if I stay with him here I would resent him, or if we still didn't work out be so angry with myself for waiting around. I'm hurt that despite the fact that he got to take the job he wanted in a new town when he graduated, now he won't let me do MY thing, petty though that sounds. I want to make this work, I want to try an LDR but don't know if there's much of a way to convince him. I'm hurt that after a year and a half he doesn't even want to try. Why the heck did we go through it in the first place??

There is a lot of focus on "I", "I", "I" in your post. So much so that you aren't even considering what it is he is really saying. To me it sounds like he is not OK with the idea of being in a LDR any longer. It's not that he doesn't love you or want you to be able to spread your wings, it's that he loves you so much that being apart is killing him and he just wants this time now to enjoy being a real couple, seeing you as often as possible. You can't blame him for that. I'd take that as a compliment.

But I do understand your concerns about becoming resentful if you don't explore or more so if you stay behind and the relationship ends anyhow.

No one can tell you what to do or how to feel. I'm going to be 36 soon and honestly if I was young like you, I would take advantage of seeing and exploring what's out there. Honestly, I feel like people evolve so much in their 20's that by the time they are 30, that's when they are ready to settle down and take on responsibilities of a family unit etc. Do what makes you happy!

[Zapookie]

There is a lot of focus on "I", "I", "I" in your post. So much so that you aren't even considering what it is he is really saying. To me it sounds like he is not OK with the idea of being in a LDR any longer. It's not that he doesn't love you or want you to be able to spread your wings, it's that he loves you so much that being apart is killing him and he just wants this time now to enjoy being a real couple, seeing you as often as possible. You can't blame him for that. I'd take that as a compliment.

Sorry to butt in, or be rude, or anything else along those lines, but being long-distance is just as real as a CD relationship. That's what so many people fail to understand. It just really irks me when I see people on LFAD saying that LDR's aren't real relationships because I think this is the second time in a week or so that I've seen it said. I just want to re-iterate though that not everyone is cut out for not seeing their loved ones every day/week, and that's OK too. Okely dokely, thanks for reading. I'll go now. Bye!

[Jazi]

Ouch, this is hard.. But to be honest I can see where he is coming from. At some point in a relationship the distance realistically has to end. It's what most of us are looking forward to in the long run - that day that we can be together forever. It would be quite hurtful to me if my SO decided he "needed" to do other things with his life that prolonged our ability to close the distance.

I can see your side too though, having your SO support you and be there through all life decisions is something really important; it would be upsetting to know that he would just give up if you decided to 'spread your wings".

Have you thought though that he may feel like you are giving up on the relationship yourself because your focus lays elsewhere?

You probably are both hurt in this situation and need to realize that you are still on each others 'side' . It is very important to be happy in your relationship and in your individual lives. As you said you don't want to end up resenting him for not following what you want in your own life and ultimately if you can't come to a compromise then you will have to stick by him and give up your own desires or leave to focus on your life.

I hope you two work it out

[Moon]

You know, there is no right or wrong here, it sounds like your wants, needs and interests are growing apart, which is completely common for someone your age who has been in a relationship for awhile. You have to decide what you are and are not willing to compromise on, and try rebuilding the relationship to a workable state, that you're both comfortable with. Love isn't enough, that's pure fallacy, you can love someone with everything you've got, and it still may not work for whatever reason.

To be very honest, if I could relive my 20's, I'd branch out and see the world, and not worry about anyone holding me back. You can find love again, but you'll never get your 20's back, once they're over you've got a lifetime of work and responsibility ahead of you until retirement, so go have your experiences now. I'm not encouraging you to flush your relationship down the toilet, rereading this it seems like I am, I'm just saying that you need to decide what you can live with, and without, and go for it so you have no regrets later on in life.

[Haley53]

You know, there is no right or wrong here, it sounds like your wants, needs and interests are growing apart, which is completely common for someone your age who has been in a relationship for awhile. You have to decide what you are and are not willing to compromise on, and try rebuilding the relationship to a workable state, that you're both comfortable with. Love isn't enough, that's pure fallacy, you can love someone with everything you've got, and it still may not work for whatever reason.

To be very honest, if I could relive my 20's, I'd branch out and see the world, and not worry about anyone holding me back. You can find love again, but you'll never get your 20's back, once they're over you've got a lifetime of work and responsibility ahead of you until retirement, so go have your experiences now. I'm not encouraging you to flush your relationship down the toilet, rereading this it seems like I am, I'm just saying that you need to decide what you can live with, and without, and go for it so you have no regrets later on in life.

Yes, this.

While where he's coming from is understandable, at the same time, I do feel like his points are... maybe not less valid, but I feel like he's the one thinking of the "I" "I" "I," not you. He's not considering the fact that he's older so graduated sooner so used your time in school/before graduation to do what he wanted to do, and I imagine that what he chose to do (college, work, new town, etc.) was what worked for him and what was best for him in the moment. And now he's ready to move back home, and maybe he's not keen on seeing the world, though I'd be curious to see if he has any experience travelling. My SO expressed to me at one point that he had no desire to go travelling, really, until he visited here and was immersed in our culture for two weeks. Since, he's talked about places he'd like to go or how he plans on travelling with me etc. and he expressed that he didn't expect he'd love it like he does before he did it. I grew up with travelling and with a mother who was passionate about it and a grandfather who's been everywhere, so I can't say what developed my passion for it, but I assume that had I not been anywhere - ever - I probably would not have as much of a desire as I do now having been some places. He may not have that, he may never have that, and he may travel at some point and find he still doesn't have it. Some people prefer to stay where it's safer, frankly, and there's nothing wrong with that. It simply means his interests are different to yours.

That being said, I don't think you're wrong at all for wanting this. I don't think you're wrong at all for thinking of yourself. You should be! Especially at your age, it shouldn't be all about your boyfriend. Your life and world should not revolve around them and around bending to what they want and need to be. Like Moon said, your 20s are a time of exploration! You'll eventually reach a point where life is going to cut in and say "hey, I need you to work and be a 'grown up' and bring home the bacon," so to speak. There will be a time where you won't have endless time off (I sometimes hear students complaining at my university that they want to be out there working and travelling already because school doesn't give them the ability to do so... If breaks that span for a month or more don't give you enough time to travel, work certainly won't!) and won't have the ability to say "You know what, I want to go to..." and you need to follow that. If you want to travel and don't, for a boy, I would guess you're going to end up regretting it.

The thing is, though, that not everyone can handle a LDR. He's not unfair for wanting to not have to deal with the distance any longer but at the same time, the opportunities that he had? You're only getting those now. What he's not doing is taking your age difference into account, I imagine. He's not thinking that you were in school and wouldn't have the ability as much as he did to go do your own thing, and now you're there and you're wanting to do the same thing that he chose to do, the same thing that made you long-distance in the first place. Quite frankly, when you look at it like that, he can't expect you not to leap at opportunities when he himself chose to do just that. He shouldn't pressure you into sacrificing those opportunities simply because he's over it. :/ I mean there have been decisions my SO and I have made that may extend the distance or they may not, but we're both young. I'll be 21 and he'll be 20. If we make it, it's not going to be because we sacrificed our wants and ambitions. It will be because we continue to grow together, same as we have between 17 and now. My opinion is that especially at this age, large sacrifices like that should not be made. If you want to travel, you should travel, and he can either decide to deal with the distance for what I imagine would be less than another year or not. :/

Sometimes people grow apart, and it's no one's fault. It just happens sometimes.