seeing her soon,i am scared

[betheyoung089]

so a while back i made a thread about how my feelings have changed about my s/o how i dont seem to feel the same as i used to.alot of you said it was the honeymoon phase wearing off or whatever but the thing is i still feel sad and upset about it i have these thoughts in my head saying should i be with her or not and really idk im not sure whats happened to me or why i feel this why i just want it to go away so i can be happy with her.anyways the point of my story is im going to go see her in the next month or so and im scared that what if i go see her and i dont wanna be with her anymore,im not sure what ill do or what to think im so scared that something bad will happen.i hope that part of the way i feel is just the distance and being away from her and when i see her again everything will be okay.i refuse to ever leave her shes the one im suppose to be with for ever i just hope it all works out and thank you all for your help you are a great group of people

[LoveJ]

"i have these thoughts in my head saying should i be with her or not"
"im scared that what if i go see her and i dont wanna be with her anymore"
"shes the one im suppose to be with for ever"

These are three very conflicting statements. What is it that you feel in your heart means she's the one you're supposed to be with forever, and what are the feelings you have making you feel like you don't want to be with her anymore (I can hear that's in there)? When you're with the person you're supposed to be with, you don't have thoughts that made you feel sick to your stomach thinking you shouldn't be with them. That sick feeling is your gut telling you it's not right.

We can be with people we care about and want to be with, but at the same time know it isn't right, and there isn't much we can do about that. Moving forward and going so far as to get married to and have babies with someone you always have an uneasy gut feeling about is where those huge divorce statistics come from.

My dad, since I was a little girl, always told me, "If you have any doubts, any at all, don't do it." And you definitely have doubts. Sure, you love her, but feeling like you shouldn't be with her is a pretty big sign that I think you should listen to. I'm not trying to be a downer or anything, but take it from someone who knows: If you're with the person you're supposed to be with, you don't have any doubts. If you really feel like maybe you shouldn't be with her, chances are that if you're honest with yourself about your feelings and let her go, you're going to feel a lot better than you think you will. I'm not saying you won't be sad since you care about her, but you'll always be happier being honest with yourself and not doing something because you think you should.

[Haley53]

While I hope this pans out in your favour, I wanted to say that you shouldn't stay with someone because of some idea of what's "supposed" to be. You're 22. Whatever has possessed you to believe this is "the one"... Well, I'll simply say that there's plenty more years if she turns out not to be. It may be the honeymoon phase wearing off, it may be that the distance is getting to you and everything will turn out fine, or it may be that you've simply moved on from one another. And there's nothing wrong with it; sometimes it happens. I don't want to scare you further, but it bothers me deeply when people decide they have to (or should) hold onto a relationship because it's "meant to be." That's an easy way to trap yourself into a miserable and unhealthy relationship and lose any idea of what it means to be independent.

[betheyoung089]

yes i agree with what you are saying,the way i feel it just happened over night.i just woke up one day and had these feelings like im not sure if shes the one im suppose to be with and ever since then iv been thinking about it.its always in my head.it makes me sad to think we wont be together anymore and im also sad because im not sure why this has happened.you dont just lose feelings for someone over night do you?but i just keeping going on with life hoping that it will go away.because i do love her and i do wanna be with her.so im not sure why this has happened im so confused about it.im not sure what else to do.i guess letting go is the only way.But i just cant do it i love her to much to let her go

[LoveL]

.you dont just lose feelings for someone over night do you?

Yes. You absolutely can.

Feelings come and feelings go.
Emotions are little more than a chemical thing that bond us to concepts or ideas or whatever else might be going on up in our brains. But a feeling isn't something that stays constant and never changes. This is why there are days when you feel like a $1,000,000 for absolutely no reason at all and there are days that you are down on yourself for absolutely no reason at all. The exact same thing happens in regards to how we "feel" about the people around us. There are some days and some periods in our lives where we just want don't feel 1,000% into whatever it is we are doing.

The thing about love though, when it's real, is that it transcends the simple feeling or emotion that we might towards someone.

I think everyone has felt love at some point. I mean, seriously. I look at puppies and I "love" them. I'm sure we all "loved" our first boyfriend or girlfriend.....what was their name again?
Real love though is so much more than a "feeling". When you really love someone, and know somewhere deep in your soul that the two of you were meant to be together, then there is a certain level of commitment and bonding between the two of you that transcends "feelings".

That is not to say that you give up any part of yourself and stay in a relationship only because you have promised to. That's kind of wrong too. I mean, if you're heart's not in it then you're doing a great disservice to everyone involved, including yourself.

Something else about love is that it cannot, in any healthy practice, exist in only one direction. Both people involved have to love each other and have to love the couple; the unit; the team.

If she is madly in love with you and you don't love her, you need to also get out.
Sure it's going to suck for her and you are going to feel bad about hurting someone like that. But it has to happen. If not, you're basically just living a great big lie, convincing that other person everyday that you love them too, when, in fact, you do not.

I can tell from your writing and your conflicted responses, that you don't really know what it is you want, honestly.

In that case, I would recommend some serious time apart. I'm not talking about 6 hours or just one day. The "feelings" and emotions will push you back together before you have had time to really figure things out. In a case like this, you need some real time apart to get your shit straight and figure it out what you really want to do. Personally, I think you know what you want to do. You don't feel what you think you should feel. That scares you and you want out but you feel compelled to stay because this realtionship is comfortable. And, let's be honest, it feels good to have someone who cares about you.

You need some time to clear your head. You need to let your SO know what's going on. Leading her along is worse than being blunt and getting your head on straight and then doing what needs to be done, be that staying together or not. Being honest is always better than the alternative, even if it hurts in the short term.

[betheyoung089]

yes i agree with what you are saying and maybe i will take some time apart,maybe its what i need.but yeah she does know whats going on i told her a soon as it happend.i cant lie to her and not tell her whats going on.but i hope in the end it will all work out but i guess only time will tell.what ever happens ill never forget her shes a wonderful girl and ill always love her.you guys are right i cant let it keep going on and be sad forever.really i dont even know what to think or say anymore...i just feel trapped.

[lonelyinlove]

Maybe once you guys see each other it will be different....

But if its not, you can't force urself to feel things that arent there

& its probably for the best that u dont lead someone on.....