Wondering if I'm too logical

[dukes2011]

My SO and I are kind of in different phases of our lives. I am in grad school and he is working full time. As a result, he is looking more toward settling down and I'm not there yet. He talks about getting engaged once I get a fellowship. Hopefully I'll get one in a year when I graduate. We are currently 22 and 23 and have been together 4 years in August so I realize that many would say it's not too soon to be planning for the future like this, but it's still scary. I don't want to be engaged without making some of my own money first. I will have some student loans and I also won't be done paying off my car. I like taking life one day at a time, probably because school is crazy and that's all I can do to not go crazy!

Whenever we talk about it lately, he tells me I'm being overly logical and that I shouldn't be afraid but that doesn't stop me. He tells me we will work it out and everything will be ok since he has a lot saved up. I do love him more than anything and want to get married in the next few years, however I always wanted to more financially stable as an individual first. He is great with money and I am too, but for some reason it still makes me nervous. I know money isn't everything, but I grew up in a household where my parents lived paycheck to paycheck. It caused a lot of stress in my parent's marriage, so I think that might be where my fears come from. Am I being too cautious or am I being realistic? Just wanted someone from a third party to weigh in.

[LilyChiba]

It's always scary to think that far ahead, but its also understandable to want to stand on your own two feet first. That said, getting engaged doesn't mean you have to marry straight away. You could be engaged for anything from a few weeks to years. So you can take it slow even then if you want to. If you're both good with money, I would say there is less to fear from where you think it comes from and it sounds like you both otherwise have your head on straight.

[Darth_Taco]

The number one reason for divorce in the United States is financial issues. So yeah, nothing wrong with dealing with your financial stuffs before marriage @_@. Besides, if you're really suppose to be together for the rest of your lives, what's wrong with waiting to get married a few more years? :P

Enrique and I are about your same ages, and we've been together about the same amount of time. Even if we could, there's no way in hell we would get married right now @_@. Fuck that, we got shit to do before we're stuck with eachother for life! D:< I've never even been arrested in a foreign country ;_;. I got too much life to live!

[Kiyama]

I can understand your situation. I am also quite independent and me moving to my SO would mean financial dependency, which makes my stomach ache because I believe strongly in being able to support myself and be financially independent as an individual. That's the way I grew up and I have lived by throughout my degree. He obviously sees these things from a different perspective so I would try and address that. Make it clear that this is something fundamental to you and that it doesn't have much to do with being too logical because in my opinion it doesn't. This is an attitude that my SO should respect.
Having said that it doesn't mean that I'm not willing to compromise. Maybe a long engagement period is an option for you if you're sure that this is the man you want to spend your life with? I have a friend who's been engaged for five years now. They are completely happy with that but they feel no need to rush the wedding

[Jazi]

It's always scary to think that far ahead, but its also understandable to want to stand on your own two feet first. That said, getting engaged doesn't mean you have to marry straight away. You could be engaged for anything from a few weeks to years. So you can take it slow even then if you want to. If you're both good with money, I would say there is less to fear from where you think it comes from and it sounds like you both otherwise have your head on straight.

I agree, if you live your life trying to have it all planned/worked out before you even live it there is way too much thinking going on here . If you want to have no debt before you move to the next stage of your relationship you'll probably be waiting forever, Buying cars, houses, having student loans, etc etc.. There will always be reasons not to make the jump into the next stage if you let the reasons get in the way. Live step by step, When you get engaged it's making the next step towards marriage, that step can be as long or short as you want.

There is also very logical ways to deal with your debt while having joint finances that doesn't involve your SO. You could pay your debts out of your paycheck and slowly work them off on your own, your SO could take on your general expenses as a couple and all of your pay could go towards your loans, there are countless ways of configuring your finances to make it work for you both. Whether you are married/engaged or not.. a relationship will naturally develop and progress to the stage where it doesn't matter if the money comes out of your or your SOs money, it will effect you both.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

I think marriage as the institution it is today would be a lot different if more people were as logical as this. No such thing as being "too cautious" when it comes to a decision as important as this one. Hey, the longer you wait, the easier your married life will be . I'd say you're being realistic and you're making smart choices with your life.

[Softy]

You want to get married, then do get married.
You don't want to get married yet, then don't.

I think that there is nothing worst than to get married if you aren't ready for it.
So talk to him, let him know that you want to get married but now is not the right time.
If he loves you, he will wait. As simple as that.

[Haley53]

I think marriage as the institution it is today would be a lot different if more people were as logical as this. No such thing as being "too cautious" when it comes to a decision as important as this one. Hey, the longer you wait, the easier your married life will be . I'd say you're being realistic and you're making smart choices with your life.

I agree with this, definitely. I can understand wanting to settle down and be married, but I can also understand wanting to have your own life in order. While I'm not sure of my timeline, primarily as neither he nor I have seriously discussed getting engaged yet, I am well aware that I would at least want to have a plan, and a logical one at that. While the idea of marriage is definitely intriguing to my girly side, the 1 in 2 divorce statistic leads me to be more logical about it. It's not that I feel like our relationship will fail, but neither did 50% of that statistic. My mother dropped out of her PhD program, got her MA, and got married. She regrets that decision immensely and wishes she'd waited to get married. In the big scope of things, four years is not that long, and I feel like you can afford to wait a few years, engaged or not, before you tie the knot. Nothing wrong with being in a more settled, stable place, or even wanting to be. There's a lot about marriage that should be logical.

[corrda00]

There's nothing wrong with a long engagement in my opinion. Its just the promise that you will get married, even if it takes several years. I knew a guy who was engaged 4 years before getting married. Just means they had plenty of time to plan a wedding.