going to a longer distance relationship

[kgkleader]

hello new member here,

i just want the best for my relationship and am really trying. So i figured here would be a good start. I'm 24 working in Japan with the US military. Her and i met last year and things went well. It has been long distance from the very beginning. I met her through her sister who is husband i work with. well i went to her home country and loved it. It was beautiful. She was everything i had heard and observed on skype. We decided that we should close the gap in a few months. well then my doctor tells me i need to have surgery, a few more local annual charges came up all this month. my goal was to pay for the ticket next month. i still think i can do it but i just was being honest with her and letting her know i may not be able to till mid month. She is now worried about how are we going to make it etc. how will she find work. So she came up with a proposal to move to a even further away country(in which tickets are 2x as expensive) and take a 2 year contract where i would not be able to see her for the first year. she has obligations to her family she would like to fulfill so finding a job first is of the utmost importance to her. i have no problems with that, and i will not stand in her way of obtaining that at all. I've gone as far as to give her the local job application sites and helped her fill out the information. I told her not to worry about a thing i will handle everything expenses etc. well yesterday i kind of was complaining about how my cell phone company decided to charge me an outrageous roaming charge during my last visit in a foreign country. That backfired on me and now she is talking about the idea of going to the other country again. I just don't want her to do that, I dont understand how she wants to be away from me when she has the opportunity to be with me. will it be rough starting our lives together yes. If this is what she wants I have no problem with it. but 1 year with out seeing the one I love! I don't know how she can even think that is OK with her. we are engaged planning on marrying upon her arrival. i just dont know. there has to be something going on in her life that she isnt telling me. or she is having regrets i don't know i just cant figure it out.

[Jazi]

like Snow girl said on your other thread - you shouldn't post this exact same thing in two places.. be patient, it's just quiet on the forums at this time. Plus people reply to you in their own time if they choose to..

chill

also, you posted this only HALF AN HOUR after the exact same thread you posted in the ending the distance sub-forum... you really need to relax if you're expecting a reply that quickly.

[Haley53]

What are her obligations? I'm ignorant to her culture, but are her obligations financial or does she simply have obligations to live up to an expectation?

Either way, I feel like I can somewhat understand her position. I'm graduating with my BA in 2013. I intend to apply for a working holiday visa and will be working and living with my SO for a year. I will then be returning to America to continue my schooling. My alternative options would be to continue grad school there, which would be expensive as an international student and involve 1-2 additional years of schooling, or to simply not continue with graduate school immediately, neither of which I plan on taking. However, this means prolonging the distance. It's possible my SO would like to further his education as well. I cannot stand in the way of that.

The thing is that depending on her current position, there is a sense of realism that has to be considered. While it's a wonderful idea to think that she'd move and you'd get married and you'd support her until she found work, she's possibly thinking more practically. If she had savings and a stronger resume under her belt, especially if she worked internationally before, then perhaps she feels that would give her a leg-up against other, local potential hirees. Perhaps she's wanting to come to you with some sense of self-sufficiency. Not everyone is happy being completely dependent on their partner for support in a foreign country.

With that said, regardless of her reasons, it sounds like she's making this decision for her and in response to her family. I feel like you need to not take it as that she's making a personal decision to extend the distance and be even farther away from you. She's not stupid. She's aware of how hard this would be, but she's also aware that your partner and relationship cannot always be made a priority. Sometimes, especially at younger ages, you have other priorities that need to be taken care of. Sometimes you need to get your own life handled before you can think about merging it with somebody else's. I understand that it's hard for you. It would be difficult for anyone to come to terms with. :/ But I really think you need to not take it so personally as you are... This doesn't sound like it's about you.

[kgkleader]

she really wants to help her family and improve their living conditions. we talked and she is afraid of marriage because of problems in her sisters marriage at this time. she hasn't said i love you in at least a week. im worried. i even talked to her and told her. i dont need material things all i need to hear i is i love you every once in a while. she has agreed to not go to the foreign country for work. and we will push the wedding till next year. she has been the one to bring up marriage both times and about pursuing it. every time i start pursuing it and filling her in on things im doing in order to pursue it, she crushes the idea. As well as my heart. i explained this to her last night. it just really hurts to give it your all only to be told nevermind. I dont know what to do anymore. Ive contemplated just going silent. not messaging her or anything and just let her message me when she is ready. for about 2 weeks now its been me messaging and nothing from her. she gives me the silent treatment on skype all the time now also. we just stare at each others screen


EDIT: another thing i hear a lot from her is, if you want to leave me i understand. i dont understand this sentence.