Trust Issues

[mrshutcho9988]

Hey everyone. Im going through something with my husband and I wanted everyone's opinion on what I should do. Since we are all in one, or have been in a LDR I really need advice from our community.

A little background info:
My husband and I met online in 2008, we dated online for a year before we met in 2010. We are great together, seriously when we are able to actually be together it's like the world stands still. Before we got married he came to America for a month, then came back for 6 months, then I went to Australia for 3 months, and the most recent time he was here for 8 months. We were going to start immigration but I lost my job so was unable to sponsor him. I added it up and we've been together in the same time zone for 18 months and have now spent 25 months apart Our plan is for me to move to Australia, and he is working on that right now.

Here's my problem:

Right before he left, I was playing around on my old iphone and logged into facebook, his old facebook account was up and out of curiosity i clicked the messages tab. I found like 10 messages with him and different girls flirting and talking about hooking up. I immediately asked him wtf he was doing and he freaked out. I called it cheating, he said it was just talking and acted like it wasn't a big deal. Flash forward a couple weeks and he is back in Australia, and im left to deal with all the emotions that come with being betrayed. So we are apart and hating it, and dealing with this on top of it. He's been gone over 3 months now, and I still cannot let it go, I am feeling so hurt all the time and I do not trust him AT ALL. I feel like he's chatting up whoever and that he doesn't even care about me. He finally admitted he was wrong just recently, and I think the thing that hurt me so much is that he is the type of guy who would never do that. Seriously, my family adores him, he is respectful, and really amazing and it caught me off guard. On top of the cheating issue, I've caught him lying to me a couple of times. Most recently he moved in to a new apartment with his 2 best friends told me it was a 3 bedroom house, told me the amount it was so Id know what he was paying weekly (im in charge of a budget) I had picked up a cute card to send to him so I asked for his new address. I googled it to confirm the zip code and i see real estate listings for a 4 bedroom house at a different $ amount weekly. So I caught him in 2 lies, then he lied about it being a 4 bedroom, and then finally said that his best friends sister is living with them. This happened a couple of days ago and I literally feel so betrayed that I cant even talk to him. This girl is his ex girlfriend, living with him in a house, and he said he didn't tell me because Id be upset! Ya think?! He knows he screwed up but I feel like between the lying and the cheating when does it stop. Am I stupid for staying with him? What should I do? I am so confused, any input or advice will be helpful. I mean Im going to move to Australia to be with him, and to finally put the distance between us, Im just worried how Im going to feel when I see him. I love him, and want to make it work, but I dont know if he's acting like this because of the distance or if he has changed and is completely different?

Thanks for your help!

[Haley53]

I'm torn.

On the one hand, I feel like sure, there's the chance something suspicious could be going on. On the other, it's possible that he didn't want to aggravate the situation re: him being on FB by being honest about the fact he'd be living in the same house as his ex-girlfriend. While both situations would still be wrong, one is deliberately keeping something from you with ill-intentions by doing so, and the other is trying to avoid putting you or your relationship under what he might have considered unnecessary stress.

That being said, I feel like the bigger issue at hand here is determining whether or not this is something you want to move past or even can. I don't believe that the distance causes or brings out anything that wasn't already there, and while it's possible he's changed, it's also possible that this is simply a part of him you're only starting to see now. :/ Yes, you've been together three years, but three years can sometimes bring out things that you wouldn't have seen in the beginning. I also want to assure you that this is something that stops with closing the distance, but that can't be promised either.

I would be curious to see how he feels about it, when it comes to lying. Does he see any issue with it? Does he see any real issue with what he did or is he saying he was wrong to appease you? Is this something he wants to work through as well? At this point it seems like he's perpetuating a negative situation and I'd be curious to figure out why.

[LoveJ]

My thought on this is that once someone has lied to you like that, it shows a lot as to how much respect and love they have for you. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to forgive that, nor would I stay. If I ever caught an SO talking about hooking up with other girls, I don't care what his excuse would be, it'd be over. If he wanted other girls, he could have them.

And the fact that he lives with his ex-girlfriend and made a point of not telling you about it is a pretty shitty thing to do. I don't think I'd be able to get over trust violations like that, and I'd seriously question how much he cared about me if he would do those things. If he had respect for you and knew that living with an ex-girlfriend was wrong, do you really think he'd do it? I couldn't imagine lying to my SO like that OR living with an ex OR talk about hooking up with other guys.

Trust me, you deserve better.

[mrshutcho9988]

Thanks guys for your advice...

First off, yes he is very sorry, and he has made it aware too me that he wants to move past it. He says things too me like you are my everything, my soulmate, I feel so bad for hurting you, etc. The problem Im having is getting over it because its so hard to work through something when you cant even look them in the eyes and discuss it. I feel in my heart he knows that he was wrong, and has acknowledged what he's done, and I do think that he just didnt say anything too me about the living situation so I wouldn't freak out. Which in truth he sent me an email before I discovered it I just hadn't checked my email. He didnt have another option other than getting a place with his friends because he just moved back and just got a job, so I know he was stuck. I do want to move past this, I want to trust him, I think we are amazing together. I just don't know if i can place all my faith in someone I dont fully trust. Im going to live there, to be living under a visa and depend on him for 2 years until the permanent residency goes through. So I have to be sure, and Im not right now.

Thanks again. I've got ALOT of thinking too do!

[Haley53]

Have you already started with the visa process? Is it possible to postpone it until you've rebuilt your relationship, or even seen if it's possible?

It's hard for me in this situation because this isn't something I'd be willing to forgive or move past. :/ However, I know some people do hope to... I simply would think you'd want to be in a more stable place, romantically speaking, before you moved 8500 miles away to get married to someone you don't even trust completely. I do think your doubts are worth listening to, and I'd almost consider putting off closing the distance until you could both work past this.

[mrshutcho9988]

I am already married I've been married for almost a year in July. The visa will be for permanent residency. I know what ur saying though, and thats my problem. Im literally selling everything I own, leaving my family to live with him when our relationship is kind of rocky. I do know that we both want to work at it, Im just hoping I can get past it and move on.

[efish1042]

I had an issue like this with my SO earlier in our relationship. We had to talk about not holding anything back and what we think is something worth telling. For instance, he once didn't tell me that he was smoking tobacco products because he didn't think it was important- it wasn't a habit, so he figured 'whatever'. I don't care so much that he smoked, although that's a no-no for me, more that it seemed like he was hiding it from me. So we had to talk about what exactly is important since some things are important me, but not him and vice versa.
Maybe you need to have a similar talk with him and lay out how important it is that he be completely honest with you. Lying by omission is still lying.
I hope things clear up soon and this is just an isolated, I'd say event, but it's more than once sooo -isolated period.

[Softy]

You need to fix the trust issue 1st, then think about the rest.
Because if you make the move and everything while still having doubts, it will affect the relationship.
So you guys need to talk, fix the trust issue and also make peace with the past.
After that is done, then you can move there and be happy together.
That's my opinion : )

hope the best for you