Is Your SO Emotionally Supportive?

[FierceFoxie]

I have noticed lately that my SO isn't really emotionally supportive of me. I have been through the ringer the past week and not once did he call and check up on me. He answered my calls and spoke to me and supported me while on the phone by giving me advice on what to do next, but he never made the effort to reach out to me first.

Another example was I had a bad turn out on my custody court hearing last week, so I had to drive up to file more paperwork; and to be fair, I sprung it on my SO that I was driving up that morning and asked if I could stay the night. Of course he said yes but then went on to tell me he was going to the gym after work. I was hurt that he wasn't going to be there when I arrived to his place. I needed him. He knew I had just cried all day the day before and that I was exhausted from running around downtown all day filing the paperwork for more court drama.

Last night we had an emotional talk before bed. I was feeling really vulnerable about something and told him how I was feeling and then the conversation got really intense to the point that he is telling me to make some sort of decision. When we hung up, he knew I was crying and yet today he didn't check up on me. Just texted me telling me how busy his day was so far. he exchanged a few short messages but again, nothing to see how I was doing. I am willing to bet that he won't call me tonight.

Am I the only one who has a SO that is like this?

[Haley53]

Have you ever communicated to him the way that you need him to respond in these types of situations? In a lot of your posts, you put off the impression that you sort of back off and go through some form of an emotional response (not talking/being in a mood, crying, etc.) and expect that it gives off some cue he should be cluing into. While some people are certainly more in tune than others, and know that leaving your SO and knowing they were crying/still having a rough time should warrant an "are you okay?" the next morning, I also feel like people respond differently to these situations. Sometimes it's what they assume you need based on the way you act/respond, and sometimes they respond that way based on their own assumptions, but it feels like you're always expecting him to be some mind reader as far as what you need is concerned, yet when you express your needs to him, he's happy to give them. To me that's not being unsupportive. He may not be as emotionally clued in as some people, but to me, a lack of support would be you communicating your needs and him brushing them off or not following through on that behaviour. To me it sounds like he simply is not sure what you want from him because you haven't communicated that, and I'd honestly communicate it before I called him "emotionally unsupportive."

[FierceFoxie]

Have you ever communicated to him the way that you need him to respond in these types of situations? In a lot of your posts, you put off the impression that you sort of back off and go through some form of an emotional response (not talking/being in a mood, crying, etc.) and expect that it gives off some cue he should be cluing into. While some people are certainly more in tune than others, and know that leaving your SO and knowing they were crying/still having a rough time should warrant an "are you okay?" the next morning, I also feel like people respond differently to these situations. Sometimes it's what they assume you need based on the way you act/respond, and sometimes they respond that way based on their own assumptions, but it feels like you're always expecting him to be some mind reader as far as what you need is concerned, yet when you express your needs to him, he's happy to give them. To me that's not being unsupportive. He may not be as emotionally clued in as some people, but to me, a lack of support would be you communicating your needs and him brushing them off or not following through on that behaviour. To me it sounds like he simply is not sure what you want from him because you haven't communicated that, and I'd honestly communicate it before I called him "emotionally unsupportive."

No, I have not communicated to him about how I would like him to respond to me. I simply haven't done so because this is really the first time I have had something upset me to the point where I was looking to him for support. The other examples you are referring to had to do with me being insecure about how he was feeling about us and the relationship. So this is my first taste as to how he handles situations when I am a basket case. I called him up sobbing on the phone last week after I found out something that happened in my custody order and that was the first time he has witnessed me sob. Last night I was not sobbing like I had last week but it was still obvious I was upset and crying.

Ok, I see what you mean by a lack of support would be me telling him I need something from him and then him refusing. I wouldn't say he does that but I guess it is what you say about just not being clued in.

[lucybelle]

I'm like your SO. I forget things all the time. I forget when my SO is sick, when he hurt himself, when something went wrong at work, when he has tests at school, when stuff goes wrong, when a family member is in trouble, everything. He never forgets anything and will remember that a week ago my stomach hurt and ask me how I'm feeling. Don't hold it against him. The key here is to communicate. If you're feeling like you need more emotional support say "hey can you just be a shoulder to cry on right now?" My SO is an excellent communicator so even though I never remember to ask if his ___ feels better, or if today was a hard day at work, or if he passed his test, or whatever, he always just tells me. If it's bad news I'm there to console. If it's good I'm there to celebrate. But he doesn't wait for me to figure out whether something is wrong or not. Otherwise we'd still be waiting.

[efish1042]

Ok! I read it all now.

My SO grew up as a military brat with a father who was gone a lot and a mother who I'm not sure isn't somewhat psychotic. Needless to say, social skills are not his strong suit. Emotions? He doesn't even know how to get to that ball park, much less is he anywhere in it.

When I was depressed, I went through the 'nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'll just go eat worms' thing and I had to tell him that I needed reassurance. To almost anyone else it would have been like 'DUH!' but not to him. All he could say was (and I quote) "Be happy, dammit!"

He can barely handle his own emotions and he needs a written invitation with directions on it to even think about handling someone else's. Maybe your SO has a similar problem? Maybe he hates hysterics (he needs to get over it if he doesn't want to end up alone)? Maybe he has other things going on in his life? My SO won't tell me what's happening with him unless I ask because he doesn't want to worry me.

Just try talking to him again. See where he's coming from. Tell him what you need from him. Don't leave him floundering or things will only get worse. Unfortunately, fixing this may be on you if he's like my SO and barely knows there's something wrong. *sigh* Men.

[FierceFoxie]

When I was depressed, I went through the 'nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'll just go eat worms' thing and I had to tell him that I needed reassurance. To almost anyone else it would have been like 'DUH!' but not to him. All he could say was (and I quote) "Be happy, dammit!"

Yes, that is what he does too! That is why he told me last night "Try and get some good sleep, ok". It was as though he didn't know what else he could say to comfort me but he wanted to say something other than "Well, I gotta go now, good night".

He can barely handle his own emotions and he needs a written invitation with directions on it to even think about handling someone else's. Maybe your SO has a similar problem? Maybe he hates hysterics (he needs to get over it if he doesn't want to end up alone)? Maybe he has other things going on in his life? My SO won't tell me what's happening with him unless I ask because he doesn't want to worry me.

This is exactly what he does too! He will tell me after the fact but never while he's going through it. It drives me nuts but I don't want to push myself into his world, I want him to openly invite me in.

[Sora1101]

My SO is the complete opposite, it gets to the point that he calls and texts my friends when I'm sick to make sure that I'm being taken care of. I'd say just bring up how you feel about this to your SO tell him exactly what you've told us, I'm sure he doesn't even realize that he isn't living up to your standard of emotional support, you'll never get anywhere if you don't learn to communicate your problems with him.

[Zapookie]

I agree with above posters. You should let him know whenever you're feeling down. He can't read your mind, unfortunately. It would be easier if he could though. But it's good because this will teach you a lot about learning to communciate.

I'm kind of similar, I find it difficult to open up to my SO about things. I like to try and deal with my problems myself. He knows when I get like this and won't stop until I talk to him about what's wrong, so I'm slowly learning to talk to him about it and gain more confidence in my communication skills. It's a slow process, but it's never too late to start.

[Amatory]

Agree with the above. The biggest part of an LDR is communicating EVERYTHING. Expect nothing, every act of kindness should be a noteworthy gift rather than an expectation, otherwise you don't appreciate when he does do it, and instead you're upset when he doesn't.

When I'm feeling bad and I'd like my SO to call or something, I tell him that that's exactly what I want. Just, "Hey, I feel like poo. We don't have to talk now but can you call me in the morning/whatever for emotional support? I need it."

Simple as.

[monkerluv]

Trust me, I know how you feel. I completely know how you feel. I am going through a hard time too right now. When I lived with my SO, whenever I went through a hard time I would close up and not talk to him. But he used to come in and hold onto me. Now that we are apart we are not sure how to communicate and its hurting us a lot. But last night I had a complete freak down and I told him I wanted him to talk to me and he did. So just like tell him what will make you happy and what you need so you both can learn and know how to react to one another from a time away. It may not be easy and it will probably be a bit of a challenge but I believe that in the long run it will get better and be better. You just have to give it time and patience. Don’t get upset about him not knowing just simply tell him what you need and what you want. Whatever he does take it as a gift and a treat and never take it for granted. I am learning that now. I am learning not to take it all for granted or demand his attention but to just ask for it and in a polite way and when and if he follows through take that as a gift or a blessing or your sweet little secret.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

Mine is a bit like an old mother hen. He's always checking up on me. Seeing if I'm OK. He knows I'm going through a very stressful time at the moment and is being very gentle with me. My last long term relationship was pretty much silent. My ex never really communicated and his idea of resolving conflict was to ignore it and walk away. It might seem a bit over the top for some but I'd rather have someone overly supportive than not at all.

[aeiouna]

I agree with a lot of the other posters. My SO is excellent at being a shoulder to cry on/an ear to listen to me vent, but I can't expect him to read my mind, so I usually text him with "Had a shitty day, ugh." and he's there to help me. (Though I admit, when we're in person/on the phone he can tell from my voice/mannerisms that something's wrong and will try to pry it out of me cause he knows I'll be fine once I tell him.)

[notyourexgirlfriend]

I agree with a lot of the other posters. My SO is excellent at being a shoulder to cry on/an ear to listen to me vent, but I can't expect him to read my mind, so I usually text him with "Had a shitty day, ugh." and he's there to help me. (Though I admit, when we're in person/on the phone he can tell from my voice/mannerisms that something's wrong and will try to pry it out of me cause he knows I'll be fine once I tell him.)

Mine is the same. He always knows what's up with me. He tries to pull silly faces and generally improve my mood.

[Jazi]

Agree with the above. The biggest part of an LDR is communicating EVERYTHING.

I feel like such a broken record because I end up saying this in every "problem" thread I post on, so I'll just quote you

When I'm feeling bad and I'd like my SO to call or something, I tell him that that's exactly what I want. Just, "Hey, I feel like poo. We don't have to talk now but can you call me in the morning/whatever for emotional support? I need it."

I'm exactly the same, I just come out and say it to my SO when I want support or feeling bothered by something, he is really great at listening and is so patient and knows what to say when I need someone to talk to.. that being said, I can't actually answer if he "seeks me out" to "see if i'm ok" because I just talk to him myself when I want/need to, in our relationship I don't worry about whether I'm seeking him out too much or if hes not seeking me out enough, it's never been a problem to me, I just talk to him when I want to and he does the same (of course when it actually works for us to talk). I've been very insecure about this in past relationships though and if you play a game with communication like that it does greatly effect the relationship.

I do kind of feel like you're playing the "will he care about me enough to seek me out and ask if I'm ok when he doesn't even know I'm upset" game, and honestly, hes never going to "win" if you're doing this.. Communication is a back and forth, and like you said he DOES talk to you, he just isn't aware that something happened yesterday is still upsetting you. Be up front and give him the chance to be supportive by expressing how you feel to him in THAT moment of the conversation.

[Softy]

Talk talk talk
Talking to him about how you feel is the key.

Also some ppl are naturally more supportive than others, or more 'demonstrative' than others.
It doesn't mean he doesn't care, but maybe he has his own way to care and be supportive.
If you'd like something more or more efforts out of him, just talk to him sweetheart.
He cannot know if you don't tell.

/hugs