How little communication can an LDR realistically survive on?

[books]

This is the question I'm asking myself as I enter the 7th day without hearing anything from my SO.

I realize all LDR's are different and have their challenges, however, I will say I am pretty much certain my relationship has much less communication when compared to others. My SO has no internet access- we have been LD for 16 months and have never Skyped. Phone calls are expensive- at the rate of 20 cents per minute which I've managed to include as part of my monthly budget. The most reliable form of communication we've had has been through Facebook messages- if my SO has credit on his phone, he can enter Facebook for free and send messages. The problem with that? 1. He never consistently has credit on his phone. 2. The phone signal goes out where he lives all the time. 3. He's been through 3 cell phones since we've been LD...right now he is without one and doesn't have the means to purchase a new phone.

I am going to see him in a few days time and I've already told him I want discuss the communication issue in person (I brought it up the last time we spoke). At some point, I really have to ask myself- how much patience is one person expected to have? I know my SO loves me and wants to be with me, but I can't help feeling like he's just not putting forth enough effort to solve the issue. On good days, we will message each other on Facebook and I can call him and talk for a half hour or so (phone calls still only happen twice a week at the most). On bad days (like the past week), he won't message me at all and if I try calling his number, it just rings and rings (which means he doesn't have access to a phone). Times like this, I swear I don't even feel like I have a boyfriend.

How much of this do you realistically feel like you could deal with? I know we all love our SO's and say it's worth it, but I am really starting to feel like the sacrifice is wearing me down. I wonder if closing the distance is really the only solution.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

I think I'd go mad if I were in your situation. I need contact at the very least, daily. Even if it was just a text message here and there. I guess I'm spoiled because I get Facebook messages, text messages, Skype and cheap phonecalls. I consider myself very VERY lucky.

[efish1042]

You, my lady, are a trooper. I don't know if I could handle this as gracefully as you have. I'm a little needy and go through random bouts of paranoia which both demand communication with my SO. Is there any end in sight for you two? And idea of when you'll finally close the distance? That's hard to work out when you rarely talk, but you never know.
It does sound a little like he's dropping the ball here. Does he have legitimate excuses for not making sure he has credit or not finding a way to connect to the internet? My friend in Ecuador skypes me frequently, but I don't know if your SO lives in an area where there is no internet period. Do you two exchange letters? Or send gift boxes every now and then to remind each other you're thinking of them even when you can't communicate like most LDRs these days?
I praise you for working through this. I hope you two work this out soon. I personally don't know that I would have made it this far with that little amount of communication.

[Softy]

It's true that all of us have to set their own limits.
So it's really up to you and your man to set up what you would like and also what is 'possible'.

On a purely personal opinion, I wouldn't be able to not hear from him for a full week.
We do talk and/or chat pretty much every days.
Maybe because I'm still in the 'honeymoon phase'.
But I cannot go a single do without wishing he was here with me.
I do need to be in contact with him to feel 'we' (as a couple) exist.

So talk to him, let him know how important it is to you

[books]

You, my lady, are a trooper. I don't know if I could handle this as gracefully as you have. I'm a little needy and go through random bouts of paranoia which both demand communication with my SO. Is there any end in sight for you two? And idea of when you'll finally close the distance? That's hard to work out when you rarely talk, but you never know.
It does sound a little like he's dropping the ball here. Does he have legitimate excuses for not making sure he has credit or not finding a way to connect to the internet? My friend in Ecuador skypes me frequently, but I don't know if your SO lives in an area where there is no internet period. Do you two exchange letters? Or send gift boxes every now and then to remind each other you're thinking of them even when you can't communicate like most LDRs these days?
I praise you for working through this. I hope you two work this out soon. I personally don't know that I would have made it this far with that little amount of communication.

We have actually been talking about closing the distance since very early on in our relationship. I told him I didn't want to waste time being LD if we weren't both serious about being together. When I think about it, the plan of closing the distance is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going. If we didn't already have that talk, I think I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. My best estimate is that we'll be closing the distance in a year. I plan on moving to him and am actively working towards that.

I'm not sure if he has legitimate excuses or not. I know my SO is really struggling financially- it costs minimum $1 USD to add credit to your phone and at times he doesn't have that. Where he lives, there is very limited access to internet. When I was living there, there was an internet cafe in the next town but sometimes it was a real hassle to try to get online. It was always closed or the electricity was out or there was an enormous wait for the 3 computers. The last time I visited in January, I saw that cafe had closed down. I've never really bugged him about trying to find internet access because I understand it's tough. I feel guilty even bringing it up to him being that I live in a place where everyone has smartphones and there's wi-fi everywhere you go.

I've sent him a few letters- the last two haven't arrived and probably won't ever arrive. The mail service is terrible. He hasn't sent me anything. The effort he puts into our relationship is really through the Facebook messages. When I visit, he treats me great and I always leave having no doubts I want to stick it out and be with him. Then I come back home and the reality of the situation just hits me.

[Sora1101]

Honestly I would have given up already if I were in your shoes, I need daily contact with my SO, I've been a week or so without him sure but that was the hardest most stressful week of my life and I was ready to cry. You can't possibly be in a relationship with so little contact, that's my opinion but I think you should take this time to figure out what you really want to do, it sounds like you're ready to call it quits and no one can blame you, you've put up a great fight but overall you're the only one that can decide whether or not you've had enough.

[Haley53]

I know my SO is really struggling financially- it costs minimum $1 USD to add credit to your phone and at times he doesn't have that. Where he lives, there is very limited access to internet. When I was living there, there was an internet cafe in the next town but sometimes it was a real hassle to try to get online. It was always closed or the electricity was out or there was an enormous wait for the 3 computers. The last time I visited in January, I saw that cafe had closed down. I've never really bugged him about trying to find internet access because I understand it's tough. I feel guilty even bringing it up to him being that I live in a place where everyone has smartphones and there's wi-fi everywhere you go.

Pretty much this. Although now he has internet, so we're able to speak regularly, we went through about a month of not having internet or any real stable contact. Neither one of us can afford to talk on the phone at this point (it's over a buck a minute if I don't pay for a plan) and we haven't Skyped, with cams, in around seven months now. We hadn't Skyped at all for about six months. I send him letters and mail, and he's literally living penny to penny, so that route is out. So when we didn't have internet, we had to rely on texting; it was sparing and not daily. Internet cafes were a train ride and an hour out of his way, so that was out as well. While our situation was not as extreme as yours, I do understand that it's difficult as all get out when contact is that limited.

I'm not really sure what to say other than that we did it because we had to. Yes, it would be great if we had all the options we did before his mother died, and even still, it would be great if I could see his face between visits every once in a while, but there's only so much that we can currently do. :/ Sometimes not being able to have face time is wearing, I'll admit that. I mean, we talk on the phone (well, Skype) and he feels it personally makes things feel more "real" and "present," and while talk time is better than text, I still miss seeing his face, confirming he's a real person with real love in his eyes. It gets hard sometimes, but what's the alternative? The same was true for what little contact we had after his mother passed away: what's the alternative?

For me it was a matter of I either deal with it or don't, but that boils down to we either stick with the relationship or don't. I used to think that I was someone who required contact daily, and when we were fortunate to have Skype (video chat) multiple times per week, it seemed to affirm that belief, but then when everything happened and we were all of a sudden out of contact, when we went from having everything to nothing, I realised that sometimes love means transcending certain luxuries. There were a lot of things that happened, and there's still a lot that's wearing and tearing about our relationship, but I made the decision to stay. I made the decision that he's worth it. So I suppose in answer to your question, I'd deal with what I had to, even though I might not like it, assuming that there was a reason I was doing it, i.e. I wouldn't do it as much for someone I didn't see myself ever being serious about.

[squeeker]

I agree with Eclaire on this one, that you do what you have to do. If you know he's the one you want to be with in your future and you can't see yourself being with anyone else, you can get through this. Especially if you have a closing the distance plan. Just focus on that and remind yourself it's not in vain.

I can see that that must be so tough, I haven't had to go through anything that tough, though there's been times when our communication had to be cut down a lot (one time before we were dating, where their financial position was so tough that their internet was running low all the time, and his sister was living with him so it used more internet credit.. and another time more recently, this past year around October/November 2011 when he was moving house, and we could only speak because I called his mobile with skype credit which ended up costing me a lot!! lol AND the service wasn't as good or clear calling his mobile).

I know it would be really hard not to have a proper conversation for 7 days.. I know I'm spoiled being able to usually oovoo for an hour or so at least per day, though it varies depending on our schedules.. but I know I'd be worrying so much if I didn't hear from him for a few days, but I don't think I would be able to give up on him, though perhaps I'd have those feelings you have now where it feels kinda hopeless but deep inside I would want to hold on to that hope we'd be able to speak soon and eventually close the distance between us. I'd probably spam his inbox with loads of messages and stuff... I don't know how much I'd be able to take. I believe I've found the one I want to marry and be with forever so it would take a whole lot for me to give up on him...

I wouldn't say for you to give up on him because of the distance, because I think that love is more powerful than that, and you say your visits have always been amazing, so I'd encourage you to stick it out. You know you have a boyfriend and in a year hopefully you will be able to close the distance. I don't know, it's a personal decision, only you can know what you're feeling for sure, but if you're serious about him, then I believe you can get through this and be together soon.

[Zephii]

I think there comes a time where you're more waiting to have a relationship than actually being in one, and there's nothing wrong with that. You touch base with each other, you know you're both in this for the long haul and you're independent enough to not need to speak every day. That's not all negative.

While there have been times Obi and I couldn't be in contact because of my financial situation, I always knew he'd still be there at the end of it. (Granted, we weren't official, and he was happily seeing other people.) I think it's worth it to stick it out.
I know back when I was in all that financial trouble and couldn't contact him, that didn't make me think of him any less - and I know I was constantly in his thoughts too. I'm also of the belief that if you're supposed to be with someone, you're not going to be happy with anyone else no matter how hard you try. So you wait, and you find a way to make it work, and sometimes that takes a few years.

Why don't you ask him to write to you? He doesn't need to send the letters, because the post is shit I know, but he can still write them, and when you visit, you can collect them. In between visits you can read them slowly, just to "hear his voice". So what if they are out of date? There's a lot you can put in a letter that never gets old. I think something like this might help you keep your emotional connection strong.

In the meantime, well... you know you're loved, even when you're completely by yourself and alone. You know he's out there, thinking of you and waiting. You'll get through it.

[marbear31]

Oh sweetheart, my heart goes out to you immensely! I've always admired your poise and wit around the forums, and the fact that you struggle, too--well, I hope my post conveys half as much kindness as yours usually do.

From what I've seen of you, you're tenacious. You can do this, no matter how hard it seems. As everyone else has sad, I admire you immensely, and I can't imagine going through this on a daily basis. You are made of strong mettle, and the fact that you've been doing this for so long proves your mutual love for each other. Personally, I would go bonkers if I hadn't heard from my SO in a week, but I would keep the faith alive, because that would be the only thing that would get me through.

Actually, there was one point during our relationship where my SO didn't talk to me for a week, except one skype message saying he would call (which he didn't :P ), and there was an underlying reason behind it (he was contemplating how to break up with me without hurting me the most). I'm NOT saying your SO is breaking up with you (far from it!) but I'm just saying i can relate to the anxiety, the heartache, the suspended existence. There was also a period, this past December and January, in fact, when my SO was in Thailand and Laos with one of his best friends on a whirlwind trip to Asia, and there would be times when i wouldn't hear from him for three to four days at a time, except maybe a quick email to say hello. It was pure torture, to be honest, because everything inside me yearned for him, but I had to tell myself it was only until he could get back home, and have a stable internet connection. Long story short, it was a last-hoorah sort of deal, and I only was able to emotionally bear it because I knew it was temporary. I discovered I was stronger than I thought, and near the end of his trip, we were talking every day (he would literally wake up and go to an internet cafe to talk to me, and his friend would have to go out of their hostel room to find him...whenever he saw him, he would shake his had in acknowledgement, and I think we both realized how darned serious we were about each other at that point), and he was communicating more with me than engaging in his "big" trip.

I know that was a rather long explanation, but maybe it helps you to know I can commiserate. I don't quite knwo how you do it, but I admire you immensely for keeping the faith. Just don't forget it's okay to be weak, to hurt, to cry, and to get frustrated. You don't have an ideal situation, but you can choose to accept its reality, or to constantly wish for greener pastures. It sounds like you're great at accepting this reality temporarily (and that's the key). because you know he is worth it.

When you do see him, definitely bring up the communication issues, but maybe from the perspective that you miss him so much, and it would make it easier and more beneficial to both of you if he could somehow get more credit. If he can't financially, then that's that, but if he can, then gently ask him to make more of an effort, because you love him. You can do it, and I have faith in you, and I think you have faith in yourself.

PM me if you need to talk, hon!@ I'm here for you if you ever just need a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen.

Much love and admiration!

[Jazi]

It does sound a little like he's dropping the ball here. Does he have legitimate excuses for not making sure he has credit or not finding a way to connect to the internet? My friend in Ecuador skypes me frequently, but I don't know if your SO lives in an area where there is no internet period. Do you two exchange letters? Or send gift boxes every now and then to remind each other you're thinking of them even when you can't communicate like most LDRs these days?

It really does sound like he is not putting in the effort required to maintain the relationship at a healthy level, YOU seem to be the one always reaching out for communication. and you are very undertanding of his situation.. but it might be verging on "making excuses" for him if you know what I mean.

Also, where on earth does he live? no internet? horrible mail service? barely any phone signal? sounds like he lives at the ends of the earth.. and I find it interesting that you're the one planning to move there despite the fact that this place seems to not have caught up with the rest of society and your SO isn't putting in much effort it seems, from the outside looking in it really seems like you are the one who is putting in all the effort and he is just going by his life and only talking/doing things with you if its easy and convenient, you've even budgeted for expensive phonecalls to him.

Sorry if that all sounded a bit harsh.. I just think that if he really wants to be with you that he WOULD do crazy things to fit communicating with you into his life. He really needs to lift his game

[monkerluv]

Not hearing from your SO is so painful. I have been really without hearing from my SO for about a week until I started to do the old fashioned snail mail. I don’t send one out every day but I write a group of letters and then send them out to him. If you don’t want to do snail mail then just make a neat little box and fill it up with everything that reminds you of him. It would be your little “Treasure Chest of your SO” so that way when you are feeling like you can’t handle being away from him or hearing about him and you feel like its all about to end. Go to the your Treasure Chest and look at all the reasons or things that you love about him. That is what I have been doing while my SO is being distant with me.

I know it is so hard. The past two weeks I have had so many people tell me that I should walk away and leave my SO because of his health and because of the distance and him being distant. But I would go to my room close the door and start to mediate and once I was in a relaxed state I just listened to my heart and what I really wanted and it was him. It is still him. So I hold onto that and really block out so much. So maybe this is a good time for you to do some deep looking inside and ask yourself when you are relaxed and clear minded what do you see in your future, who do you see it with, what is it like… is that what you want. If it is then go for it and hang in there and tell yourself that soon this will be over. That this time of no talking is just a test to prove to each other and yourself that you can handle anything and that you two really do love each other so much and want the same thing.

[books]

Also, where on earth does he live? no internet? horrible mail service? barely any phone signal? sounds like he lives at the ends of the earth.. and I find it interesting that you're the one planning to move there despite the fact that this place seems to not have caught up with the rest of society and your SO isn't putting in much effort it seems, from the outside looking in it really seems like you are the one who is putting in all the effort and he is just going by his life and only talking/doing things with you if its easy and convenient, you've even budgeted for expensive phonecalls to him.

He lives in Nicaragua, which is the second poorest country in the Western Hemisphere following Haiti. To avoid posting information about basic development indicators which can be found in a google search (if you really are interested in knowing), I will just say that as a resident of the "third world", he faces many challenges that those living in industrialized countries (the majority of posters on this forum) will never have to think about. We actually met when I was living in his town as a volunteer working in the local health clinic (a place which lacked basic health supplies and had no running water, just like the rest of the town) and then the local school (where kids sat on bricks because there were no desks). The time I spent there opened my eyes up to just how much privilege I have and I am ultimately a better person for it. The choice to enter a long distance relationship with my SO, who happens to be a poor Nicaraguan, has not been an easy one.

Our closing the distance plan involves me moving there because quite frankly, I am not happy living in the US. I am applying for a Fulbright grant to conduct research there and plan on applying for work in one of the many international NGO's in the case I do not get the grant. The only time I really reconsidered our closing the distance plan was this past November when my SO was held up at gunpoint and robbed of everything he had (down to his shoes). I talked with him about the safety concerns I had and he said he would be fine moving out of Nicaragua (he has never told me our plan has to involve me moving to him). Ultimately, when I visited in January, I again felt like that is where I wanted to be so have been moving forward with my efforts to move there next year.

Whether or not he's doing all that he can to overcome the challenges and maintain our relationship is another story. I am certain that if I stopped doing what I'm doing now, our relationship would fall apart. That is obviously very concerning to me, but then I wonder if I really have to just accept that this is how we will be LD. I mean, what is my option- present him with an ultimatum? Tell him he has to do more to stay in contact or we're done? Anytime I have brought up that I wish we had more communication, he just tells me his situation is difficult and I have to have patience. It's exactly like Zephil said- I am waiting to have a relationship.

I thank everyone immensely for their input- It is extremely helpful to read what others think of the situation.

[Dziubka]

I would normally be the first to jump on the "he's not making enough effort"-train, but I think in your situation it's not fair to him. It sounds like there's not much he can do about the communication issue. If he's struggling financially and can't afford a new phone or credit and doesn't have access to the internet, there's not much he can do to keep up communication. I mean it's not like he can send smoke signals or climb a mountain and scream.
It's frustrating, but assuming he's just as committed and in love as you are, it's just as frustrating for him. I don't know if there's any real solution to it.
I'm in a kind of similar situation with one of my best friends. She doesn't really have access to the internet a lot and calling is too expensive for any of us. At first I used to get upset and frustrated about her not answering my mails or leaving our facebook conversations (we used to be roommates for a year - so we went from seeing each other everyday and sleeping only two metres from each other to being long distance), but I eventually understood that it's not because she doesn't care.
That said, I agree with everything Zephii said here:

I think there comes a time where you're more waiting to have a relationship than actually being in one, and there's nothing wrong with that. You touch base with each other, you know you're both in this for the long haul and you're independent enough to not need to speak every day. That's not all negative.

Why don't you ask him to write to you? He doesn't need to send the letters, because the post is shit I know, but he can still write them, and when you visit, you can collect them. In between visits you can read them slowly, just to "hear his voice". So what if they are out of date? There's a lot you can put in a letter that never gets old. I think something like this might help you keep your emotional connection strong.

In the meantime, well... you know you're loved, even when you're completely by yourself and alone. You know he's out there, thinking of you and waiting. You'll get through it.

It's hard to call it a relationship when you're barely communicating. At least for me personally it wouldn't really feel like one. Like Zephii said, it's more like you're waiting to be in a relationship than having one right now. Which, as long as it's for a limited amount of time, is probably not that bad. If you're determined, you'lll get there eventually

And the letters are actually a good idea. Maybe if you or him know people who occasionally travel between your countries you could ask them to take something? I know, I know... security and all that, but if it's only a few letters, maybe they'd do it?

[snow_girl]

Maybe you could try LDRing like the did in the olden days with writing letters regularly? Sending long letters about what is going on in your life and sweet nothings, then you know the other person is taking time to write to you and it gives you a little something more to look forward to?