How little communication can an LDR realistically survive on?

[Jazi]

He lives in Nicaragua, which is the second poorest country in the Western Hemisphere following Haiti. To avoid posting information about basic development indicators which can be found in a google search (if you really are interested in knowing), I will just say that as a resident of the "third world", he faces many challenges that those living in industrialized countries (the majority of posters on this forum) will never have to think about. We actually met when I was living in his town as a volunteer working in the local health clinic (a place which lacked basic health supplies and had no running water, just like the rest of the town) and then the local school (where kids sat on bricks because there were no desks). The time I spent there opened my eyes up to just how much privilege I have and I am ultimately a better person for it. The choice to enter a long distance relationship with my SO, who happens to be a poor Nicaraguan, has not been an easy one.

Our closing the distance plan involves me moving there because quite frankly, I am not happy living in the US. I am applying for a Fulbright grant to conduct research there and plan on applying for work in one of the many international NGO's in the case I do not get the grant. The only time I really reconsidered our closing the distance plan was this past November when my SO was held up at gunpoint and robbed of everything he had (down to his shoes). I talked with him about the safety concerns I had and he said he would be fine moving out of Nicaragua (he has never told me our plan has to involve me moving to him). Ultimately, when I visited in January, I again felt like that is where I wanted to be so have been moving forward with my efforts to move there next year.

Whether or not he's doing all that he can to overcome the challenges and maintain our relationship is another story. I am certain that if I stopped doing what I'm doing now, our relationship would fall apart. That is obviously very concerning to me, but then I wonder if I really have to just accept that this is how we will be LD. I mean, what is my option- present him with an ultimatum? Tell him he has to do more to stay in contact or we're done? Anytime I have brought up that I wish we had more communication, he just tells me his situation is difficult and I have to have patience. It's exactly like Zephil said- I am waiting to have a relationship.

I definitely understand a lot more about your relationship and the situation now that you've explained it more - like I said before "from the outside looking in" things seem far different than when you're the one involved in the situation. I respect you totally for making the choice to move to essentially a third world country, it's one thing to visit but an entirely different thing to move from a country like the USA into completely different and basic living conditions.. without those things that we rely on daily, which I guess is why you're finding it so difficult to communicate as a LDR.

I definitely see that you can't expect a high level of communication but I would still expect to see some effort on his part, does he ever initiate communication with you first? giving him an ultimatum really wouldn't be effective, it never usually is. Sounds to me like you need some kind of a schedule and a budget plan that you both can work to, like setting up certain times to talk and how long, alternating who pays for communication.. just have some kind of an agreement of what is a workable level of communication considering the when/how/where you will talk. It may not be very romantic but at least you will both know where you stand and know exactly when your next conversation is, a bit like how you countdown to a trip.

I also really like the idea of writing letters until you can see each other, it would bring the feeling back into the relationship, it'd be very easy to lose the romance all together when sometimes it'd feel like you're not even in a relationship with the little amount of communication.

It does sound like you're waiting for the relationship to start.. but honestly, you still NEED some kind of relationship now, theres nothing wrong with requiring a certain amount of contact, I think a compromise is in order, definitely not an ultimatum.

[books]

And the letters are actually a good idea. Maybe if you or him know people who occasionally travel between your countries you could ask them to take something? I know, I know... security and all that, but if it's only a few letters, maybe they'd do it?

I really like this idea. His aunt actually knows some Americans that make trips to her church to do some kind of missionary work. I know a few times, they've actually stayed at her house. I'm thinking maybe I can suggest sending letters through them.

The mail service is completely unreliable. I actually followed a suggestion from another LFAD-er member last year and began writing letters to him as a way to try to stay connected despite our communication issues. These are the results so far:
Letter 1: Took 7 weeks to arrive
Letter 2: Took 6 weeks to arrive
Letter 3: Took 8 weeks to arrive
Letter 4: Never arrived (mailed out February 4th)
Letter 5: Never arrived (mailed out March 24th)

[Dziubka]

That would be neat if it works out. If they know his aunt chances are they're going to trust him that he's not using them as drug courier or whatever.

The friend I was talking about before stayed in touch with her (then) boyfriend and family that way. They'd send all kinds of things from honey to winter coats with other people. Apparently it was much more reliable than the postal service in her country. And seeing as the people who travelled knew about the problems because they had family or friends abroad as well, they were more than happy to help them.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I have no advice, but I just want to say that I think you're incredible for sticking with your SO through all of this. I would go nuts if I went more than a day or two without talking to JP, and I really think it's a testament to your love for each other. I 100% understand your frustration, and I wish I had advice for you. I hope you can find someone to deliver your letters, and I wish I could just give you a hug.

[Filly]

I am so sorry you're going through this. You and I have a similar situation as my SO and I only communicate the most three times per month. We don't Skype, we don't text back and forth, I can't really send him letters because of the hassle and we don't Facebook because he has terrible internet connection. If I urgently need to speak to him I send him a text message and he might call two to three days later depending on when he gets the message. I get frustrated sometimes when I am unable to communicate with him but we are committed to making it work and so we will hang in there until it gets better.

Sometime I feel I have to work twice as hard at being LD since added to the fact that we are LD is that he's never in one place for more than a few hours, he's always 7 - 8 hrs ahead, satellite signal is always poor and DIGICEL our main cell provider is also failing us since he doesn't get my messages 2 - 3 days after I send them.

I don't have much advice for you (sorry ) but if you want a listening ear of someone who's in a similar situation, then I'm always here.

[Zephii]

I am certain that if I stopped doing what I'm doing now, our relationship would fall apart. That is obviously very concerning to me, but then I wonder if I really have to just accept that this is how we will be LD. I mean, what is my option- present him with an ultimatum? Tell him he has to do more to stay in contact or we're done? Anytime I have brought up that I wish we had more communication, he just tells me his situation is difficult and I have to have patience.

Sometimes one person carries the whole relationship on their back alone for a little while. I don't think things are ever truly equal, but in situations like this it really is one person taking the weight. And I think there's nothing wrong with that and you're a champion for plugging along as you are. Sometime down the road you will likely be caught up in a job or illness and then he'll step in and make everything run smoothly. It all works out even in the end

I admire your willingness to move to him and to help the people out down there. That takes courage. The world could use more people like you.

[Malaga]

Would you be able to wire him money somehow? To have enough credit for his phone. Or send him a phone he could use? If you're going to see him in a few days, maybe you could bring him a phone and buy enough credit for it. I realise money might be a bit sensitive issue, but really, it's not charity or anything like that, it's investment in the relationship. Everyone invests what they have and if he's currently broke and you can afford it, then currently you carry the financial load of your communication. Pride is totally uncalled for in this situation. You know he's broke, you know he lives in poor conditions, it's not like it's his fault things are the way they are, why pretend it's different. You accept him the way he is and his situation and trying to make the best of it, that's all there is to it.

[books]

Would you be able to wire him money somehow? To have enough credit for his phone. Or send him a phone he could use? If you're going to see him in a few days, maybe you could bring him a phone and buy enough credit for it. I realise money might be a bit sensitive issue, but really, it's not charity or anything like that, it's investment in the relationship. Everyone invests what they have and if he's currently broke and you can afford it, then currently you carry the financial load of your communication. Pride is totally uncalled for in this situation. You know he's broke, you know he lives in poor conditions, it's not like it's his fault things are the way they are, why pretend it's different. You accept him the way he is and his situation and trying to make the best of it, that's all there is to it.

This is really helpful to hear and I think this is the issue I struggle with the most. I have wired him money before to help pay for his tuition. He's studying to be an engineer and has two semesters left. Education is extremely important to me and I have told him many times before I wouldn't hesitate for an instant to help him out with that aspect.

Before we went LD, I gave him the phone I had been using when I lived there. He used it for about 6 months before it broke. He's been through 2 phones since then (one was stolen, the other one broke). Realistically, I believe I could help him get a phone and even add credit to the phone from where I live.