Reconciliation after our break-up?....

[Kelly.92]

Have not been on here in a while. I would appreciate any thoughts/advice, sorry this is a bit long.... Even if I get no response to this I think it will help in that I have vented and written everything down. So thank you for this space for me to do so.

After just over 4 years together (the first 2 and a half being CD - seeing each other everyday, starting and completing college together, then me moving away to do my Midwifery course for the remaining 1 and a half) we have broken up. Our relationship as a couple no longer exists. It was his initiation of the break up, along the lines of 'I have learnt not to miss you anymore, our relationship just is not working.' I moved, but we are in the same country, only 3 hours drive away (which some of you will not even consider an LDR) I understand where he is coming from, I will admit that things have changed since moving to London between us. He says he still loves me and always will. That the time we had together has been amazing. He said 'I will never ever forget the love I had for you and deep down somewhere a bit of me will forever love you.' - That kills me....

14th May 2012 (break up day) ...We cried together for a long time, we had sex and then I left to come back here (London)... Anyway, we left on good terms, he still wants us to be 'best' friends. He still wants to see me when I visit Somerset (where he, my fam/friends live), and we have promised each other that we are still going on our holiday to Egypt that is booked for the end of July, at the moment as 'friends.'

I am deeply hurt and of course want him back. I love him. I am going on the hope that when we go on holiday his feelings will change and he will want to try again at our relationship. Another detail to add is that he will be starting Uni in September, at Twickenham (which is 20 mins away from where I currently live and will be living) Not long ago I was going to write an excitable thread because we would be closing the (somewhat little) distance we have. Then after his first year, by which time I would have completed my course and qualified (woohoo!) we had planned to then get our own little place.... Perfect right!? But now we are no longer together. He still wants to be friends and to be blunt still wants us to have sex and be intimate - cuddles and kisses as well. I agreed because I think he will change his mind. Well I hope he will. I also agreed because I wanted to. I don't think we would have gone on holiday together and not done all the 'coupley' things. It's inevitable.

In the mean time I have asked for no contact for a while. Give him space to think and breathe without me making him resent me by making him feel guilty about the break up. I need to use this time to reflect upon myself and make myself a better person. Focus on me for a while. I hope against hope that he will want me back... I think that working on myself will allow him to see that I am independent and then hopefully he will realise he does actually 'miss' me and want me more than a friend again.

What do you think of this situation. I believe it will all be ok after going away together and then him moving 20 minutes down the motorway... And I totally get that it's not picking up from where we left off.. We have to start again, take it slow, talk through our problems and listen to each other. Only then can our 'new' relationship really start. But maybe this is just post break up wishful thinking.

Oh my gosh, I want him so much. He has text me a few times asking if I am ok, and hoping that I am alright.... And I have replied civilly, trying not to let my emotions go wild and start begging him back. I think I plan to not go back to Somerset until the end of term and the start of our holiday together. 2 months away (this would be the longest time spent apart since our relationship began, inc. LD... Again for some of you I know that our 'LDR' does not count in your opinion. I just need some advice.)

I need an outsiders perspective on this? ..... Although I may encounter some harsh but true words from you guys. On the basis for agreeing to still being friends, letting him be intimate with me still and still going away together in a couple of months etc.. Just be honest, I welcome all of your thoughts on this.

Thank you xxx

[MeganK]

I dont think having sex with him still is a good idea tbh, youre giving him exactly what he wants.
he doesnt want to be with you ...... but he wants to keep having sex with you ...
thats not gonna make him want you back .. he might see you as easy now bcus you are broken up.

I mean i dont know, im just telling you what ive read and how i feel about it.
Im not trying to be harsh but its just how i see it.
Id tell him you dont want to have sex with him, dont let him have this control over you.

[Haley53]

I agree with MeganK in the sense that having sex with him is unlikely to win him over. If you have sex with him, you're essentially giving him every benefit of a relationship without the commitment and while some people never take advantage of that, others do. As for his reasons for it, I'm not sure. They could boil down to him still having that little bit of love, or that could have been something he said because that is post break-up talk; he could be holding on because you're comfortable, and because after four years together, it's hard to let go of it completely. Maybe he's hoping the spark will come back and maybe he's simply holding on until he finds somebody else so that he doesn't have to be alone. No one here can tell you for sure, but oftentimes, remaining friends with benefits, especially with someone who you have such strong feelings for, only results in prolonging the heartbreak. Sex rarely wins someone back. It's the same with staying friends. People tend to think both are a surefire way to somewhat jump-start the memory of why their ex-partner loved them to begin with. In most cases, it does not happen this way.

I'm sorry about your break-up. Do what you need to take care of you and your feelings. Don't bend over because you think in some way it will win him back over, because whether or not he means to, that's giving him the right to take advantage of you.

[Romeo s Juliet]

I am sorry but i think you agreeing to have sex cuddles/kisses with him only makes you and easy target for him i know you really want him back, and you are deciding to have sex with him and also go on the vacation together thinking his feelings for you would be rekindled, and that he would want you back, i m sorry to break it to you but its not how a guy s mind id hard-wired :/ just think what would you feel after constantly having sex with him and cuddling kissing sessions and he never want to have you back, but would just treat you as a friends with benefits state? would you be ok with that in the long term?

If you really want him back i suggest you distance yourself from him on good terms, give him space, take your space, make new friends and try to move on with ur life, i know that may sound so hard and even a crazy idea at this point, but that is what you should do. if he really wants you back he will contact you. he would make the initiative. if he contacts you then great, but if not you still have nothing to worry about because you gave him the space he needed and tried on moving with your own life. hanging around him having sex and cuddling will not get u anywhere, it would make you drown in a hole deeper and deeper. you need to let him have his own space and move on. i m sorry for being so direct. but you wanted honest opinions
good luck. i know its hard on you, but please keep hope. you are stronger than you think ok hugs

[ChibiFelicia]

I have to agree with Megan, having sex with him and still being intimate just doesn't seem right. You're hoping for him to want you more than just friends..but he is already getting that. I think you're right that you need to focus on yourself. To me it kinda sounds like he's leading you on. I honestly think you should stop having sex with him..thats going to cloud your emotions. Maybe cut contact with him for a bit till you have had time to focus on yourself.

[alesitag]

I agree with MeganK... Ive been there. You think he'll see what he's lost by still being intimate, when in reality, he wont feel the loss, simply because he'll still get the love and affection as well as the physical pleasure, only this time no strings attached. What's left in there to miss then? A "label"?

I'm not saying it wont work the way you think it will, but your plan is most likely to fail.

The best advice i can give you, since ive been where you are and ive done what youre about to do, is to tell him you dont think it's a good idea to keep that intimacy level. You can still go on your holiday and have a good time and it might help you fix things once you get time to be with each other and talk about the plans you had to close the distance but i'd still recommend you not having sex with him until you're back together.

I wish you the best of luck!

[Kelly.92]

OP here ...

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

I agree with the sex part... I will end up getting even more hurt and will probably end up making It easier for him to move on in the end. And no, I do not want to just be the friend with the benefits in the long term ...

I like the no contact part, and saying to him I don't want to be intimate unless we are a couple. I think he would understand that and respect my choice.

This is so hard, but thanks for all your support xxx
Will just have to wait and see for now, you never know he may wake up one morning and apologise .... there's me wishful thinking again!

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I don't want to be mean, but I don't see why, if he really wanted to be together, if all those feelings are still there for him, he would cut it off, with only really two more months to go where you're just three hours apart. Although he's using the distance as part of the excuse, I think, for him, there's more to this break up than just distance.
I think holding on, and hoping for a reconciliation is probably going to hurt you more than it helps you in the long run. I think you should make a good stab at trying to move on. Don't pin all your hopes on getting back together. I know this must be terribly difficult to hear, but I say it with as much compassion and support as possible. If things are meant to work out, then they will. But of they're not, you're only prolonging your pain by not accepting this as the end of your relationship.
Going no contact is a good idea. Get some space away from this situation. I don't want to give you false hope either, but who's he going to find more attractive? The lovely young woman who's moving on and stable enough to be capable of living her own life without him, or the young woman who's still clinging to the hope that he'll change his mind and take her back? Which woman would you rather be?

[Zapookie]

I also think there must be another reason behind the break up. You guys were so close to closing the distance, and only a 3 hour trip away?

Don't let him take advantage of you. I also think though that this trip might be a bad idea. If you're going away together on a holiday, that leaves you vulnerable to him, especially if you hold the hope that you'll somehow get back together.

If I were you, and you truly want to avoid a mess and such heart break, I wouldn't go on the holiday, I wouldn't sleep with him, I wouldn't do anything. I'd cut complete contact. Two months is not enough to get over a 3 year relationship. You need more time than that of no contact until you can try being friends again.

[corrda00]

So as everyone else said no sex.
Other than that winning back your ex is possible. It will take a lot of patience, you'll probably have to give him some space and accept the fact that it may not work (though it very well could).
And make sure that in your heart you still want him back. Make sure that you truly want a relationship with him. Its normal after a breakup to want them back but it may or may not be the best.

[BabyDimples]

I think that if you really love him, and he really loves you, then go for gold! Do whatever you can to win him back, just don't set your hopes up too high. Maybe when you go to Egypt, try and show him what he is missing out on? I don't mean flirt with other guys in front of him (that's up to you and whether you think that it would bother him or not), but just show him how amazing you are! Maybe try to subtly react some of your most memorable moments as a couple together? Not down to the T, but just little things that might get him thinking and missing you, and wishing that he could have you back?

I think that the sex is a bad idea, along with kissing. Maybe just limit it to hugs when you see each other, but brush his hand every now and then when you are with him as if to say "If we were together you could still hold my hand"? Good luck, and I hope that you find what is right for you.

[Kelly.92]

Hi all, OP here.. thank you for all your input on this.

now i have stepped back and thought about it, i agree that if i want a chance at our relationship starting again we cannot continue to be intimate and allow him to see me when he pleases but with out the equipment, giving me false hope....

Anyway... had a big talk last night (via text messages... didn't want to talk to him in case i started blubbering down the phone!) And i said everything ... along the lines of i. want you to know whats its like to really miss me... not me running to you when ever you want some intimacy, i will only see you and be with if you truely want this relationship ....

Harsh but fair, and it killed me to say it to him. He agreed with everything that I said, which surprised me. he said he doesnt want me to feel used for hope of reconciliation and then a chance that he will never want me back... we agreed under my initiation that we will not contact each other until our holiday on 29th july... he didnt want to at first coz he said it would be too hard and hurt him too much ... but he understood my feelings and agreed ....

Today is day 1 of no contact. I want to concentrate on me for a while... and then see how things go in Egypt... I am hoping for reconciliation definately , but we will see... I still love and want him with all my heart! Going to have to keep strong ....

Hope i am doing the right thing and that i can actually refrain from contacting him... i am secretly hoping that he will give in and contact me ...

Ahhh this is hard!!

[K92]

Hi
Sorry to hear about this
From reading the posts you have been given some good advise

You say you was surpised he agreed with what you said last night, why is this?

No sex and no contact will be hard, but when you go on holiday showing him what he misses seems the way to go as then you have tried everything you can.

You say this is a break up, it sounds more like a break and he still wants you because your both going to Eygpt together and then him going to uni.

Good luck