So my GF needs space.

[Biscous]

She is one month away from getting her degree and recently accepted an internship. I knew that she was interested in it this position for a few weeks but I did not know the full extent of it. She recently accepted an internship for a PR Firm. Great for her and I'm happy. The thing is that as of May 22nd she was supposed to fly out to come see me. I bought both her tickets for her less than 11 days ago. I was crying last night at the fact that she couldn't make it. I think it frustrated and angered me at the fact that I spent $200 on the tickets for her only to get $45 back and I used the money in a situation where I could have used it but knew I'd get the money.

I paid for the ticket because just 11 days ago or so she talked about reserving a moving truck for her to move out here to Texas with me. Now I just wasted money and to add insult to injury I don't get to see her. She totally low prioritized "us" and it really hurts.

So she told me she needs space to figure out things. Am I her boyfriend? More than likely and I am faithful and committed to her. I think the fact that she has been stressed out about graduating, the fact that she moved out of her new place, this new opportunity, her car breaking down, and me the man she loves in the picture it is culminating a lot. Crazy because just 5-7 days ago she was applying for positions in Texas and how there are great opportunities here.

New opportunity, I'm put on the wayside. I of course expressed my frustration with the situation and my girlfriend isn't as good as me with vocalizing her feelings. She's much better at writing so I sometimes get frustrated when I talk to her and all I get are one and two word answers. Of course I feel underappreciated. I just want to know how you guys handle these sort of things, being LDR and wanting space right now. I got new information from her "Texas doesn't seem like a possibility for me right now" "Well, our LDR ending doesn't seem like there's any end in sight (we mention AUGUST which she was just preparing for a few days)". So I'm wondering what I should do now.

[snow_girl]

Based on all the threads you have posted in the last couple days she is probably a little overwhelmed by you. You said before you get angry and say things you don't mean, you've probably also been pushing her to talk to you as well? Giving her grief for not having lots of time for you? Give her some space and let her come to you when she is ready.

[marbear31]

Hi hon, I've been following your threads for the past several days, and it seems like you've been posting at least once a day for the past week. I'm sorry you're feeling underappreciated--that's never fun. However, I really REALLY think you need to back off and just give her some space. Of course, I don't know the full extent of your relationship, but from what you have posted, it sounds like you're putting a ton of pressure on her to "prioritize" the relationship, when all she needs (and is asking for) is time. I know it's hard being apart from her, I know you want to spend every, waking minute with her, but the only way you both are going to be able to grow as individuals, as well as lovers, is if you respect each other enough to be able to yourself, without ultimatums, without feeling like you're in a marathon for feelings.

That being said, I'm really sorry you weren't able to get refunded for your tickets. I'd be extremely frustrated as well, but she had to make a difficult decision that didn't provide immediate satisfaction. It's most likely going to help you in the long run, though (job market, etc.(, so try to look at the positive, and know that she cares for you. Be there for her, but let her be herself as well.

Best of luck!

[Biscous]

Based on all the threads you have posted in the last couple days she is probably a little overwhelmed by you. You said before you get angry and say things you don't mean, you've probably also been pushing her to talk to you as well? Giving her grief for not having lots of time for you? Give her some space and let her come to you when she is ready.

All the threads? I haven't posted here in over a few weeks regarding my relationship as of April 28th on here so pardon if I have been posting a bit lately. I really am a communicative person and use forums to express how I feel internally, independent of those around me

I have not pushed her to talk to me either. She was disclosing all of this to me in terms of her goals and what she was doing. Also on the contrary she has given me grief for sometimes not having time to talk to her. I believe we both make the best effort for us to talk to one another and keep the communication going.

The way I react towards the situation are my own feelings. I just explained to her that I believe she could have handled the situation much better rather than having me purchase tickets. Just a few days ago she had me review her resume for jobs here and she was trying to contact my mother and grandmother for mother's day on her own volition because she said she was so thankful that those women were in my life. I told her that she would have to make her own decision and I mentioned I cannot force her either because she would resent me for doing that. She then got a bit frustrated with me because she feels like I wasn't fighting for her, so I'm really perplexed right now and will take a step back and allow her to figure things out.

[Biscous]

Hi hon, I've been following your threads for the past several days, and it seems like you've been posting at least once a day for the past week. I'm sorry you're feeling underappreciated--that's never fun. However, I really REALLY think you need to back off and just give her some space. Of course, I don't know the full extent of your relationship, but from what you have posted, it sounds like you're putting a ton of pressure on her to "prioritize" the relationship, when all she needs (and is asking for) is time. I know it's hard being apart from her, I know you want to spend every, waking minute with her, but the only way you both are going to be able to grow as individuals, as well as lovers, is if you respect each other enough to be able to yourself, without ultimatums, without feeling like you're in a marathon for feelings.

That being said, I'm really sorry you weren't able to get refunded for your tickets. I'd be extremely frustrated as well, but she had to make a difficult decision that didn't provide immediate satisfaction. It's most likely going to help you in the long run, though (job market, etc.(, so try to look at the positive, and know that she cares for you. Be there for her, but let her be herself as well.

Best of luck!

So from my understanding it is an unpaid internship and an opportunity for her to figure out things. I recall her stating law would be her calling and I actually live nere one of the Top 15 Law Schools in the country, but I think she needs a break from school which is understandable.

I *feel* that she prioritized the relationship too. The fact that we were making visits to see one another almost every 6 weeks, planning things out, etc together and not one sided was indicative of me that she prioritized us too. I have my career here, friends and my social network but what I explained to her is that we are great together. I also thought through this time that she was able to grow as an individual but us to be together.

I know she feels pressured. She was crying when she was moving from her place and moving in with her parents in the summer. I really don't tell her what to do but I had to explain to her my feelings and I felt that she could have done things a bit better than how she did things the past few days.

[Moon]

Have you considered that, through nobody's fault, that you're just in two different places in your lives right now? You have a career and are settled already, and she's trying to get her future figured out (it's not for you to judge if she's had enough school yet). I don't mean to offend, but you come off as a bit extra needy, and that doesn't always work in the context of an LDR. People in LDR's often wait YEARS to close the distance and you're so angry and frustrated about a few months, maybe this isn't the type of relationship for you. It's NOT for everyone. I know you love her, and have an overwhelming desire to be together, but that doesn't always mean it's a good time for that right now, ya know? To be perfectly honest (and I'm assuming she's probably a few years younger than you), her education should be her priority right now, not you. She needs to get her future secured first. You, on the other hand, already have that, so your sole focus is on the relationship. None of this is wrong or bad, it simply means you're both in different places. If you're both very patient and understanding of each other, it could still work, but you've GOT to give her the space she needs to get things done, and to learn to control your emotions a little better. Good luck, I hope you can manage to find a way that'll work for you both.

[Biscous]

Have you considered that, through nobody's fault, that you're just in two different places in your lives right now? You have a career and are settled already, and she's trying to get her future figured out (it's not for you to judge if she's had enough school yet). I don't mean to offend, but you come off as a bit extra needy, and that doesn't always work in the context of an LDR. People in LDR's often wait YEARS to close the distance and you're so angry and frustrated about a few months, maybe this isn't the type of relationship for you. It's NOT for everyone. I know you love her, and have an overwhelming desire to be together, but that doesn't always mean it's a good time for that right now, ya know? To be perfectly honest (and I'm assuming she's probably a few years younger than you), her education should be her priority right now, not you. She needs to get her future secured first. You, on the other hand, already have that, so your sole focus is on the relationship. None of this is wrong or bad, it simply means you're both in different places. If you're both very patient and understanding of each other, it could still work, but you've GOT to give her the space she needs to get things done, and to learn to control your emotions a little better. Good luck, I hope you can manage to find a way that'll work for you both.

Just to clarify, I did not give my input on or judge her on whether or not she had enough school. That was her decision and she explicitly stated since November that she was going to school. She has gotten frustrated at me for me being hands off of her decisions and she said she needed for me to be there. I'm not extra needy or expressed that. She gets frustrated (in a funny way) that she can't make me 'jealous' so she stopped trying lol.

I actually took the time to talk to her in a tactful manner and not attack her. I wasn't the best but I did a better job than attacking her and ultimately I told her that I understood and gave her the space she needed. I completely understand that and I realize it is a stressful time for her right now. I simply explained to her that things could have been handled much better. The fact that she asked me to buy her ticket then essentially flaking on me. The fact that she was contacting my mother for Mother's Day and talking sexual to me a few days ago and coming to ME about purchasing a moving truck to move here is really misleading to me and is a big letdown for me. Now if you believe this was a good way of approaching things then please tell me why.

Also yes it is a few months and I explained that to her. I've had to console her when she thought I would leave her, go with someone else, or she didn't feel like I was there or had reservations of how deeply I feel for her. Based on your judgement of her and I, her feelings are perfectly valid, but when I have feelings and concerns I am somehow "needy" for expressing those.

[Moon]

Just to clarify, I did not give my input on or judge her on whether or not she had enough school. That was her decision and she explicitly stated since November that she was going to school. She has gotten frustrated at me for me being hands off of her decisions and she said she needed for me to be there. I'm not extra needy or expressed that. She gets frustrated (in a funny way) that she can't make me 'jealous' so she stopped trying lol.

I actually took the time to talk to her in a tactful manner and not attack her. I wasn't the best but I did a better job than attacking her and ultimately I told her that I understood and gave her the space she needed. I completely understand that and I realize it is a stressful time for her right now. I simply explained to her that things could have been handled much better. The fact that she asked me to buy her ticket then essentially flaking on me. The fact that she was contacting my mother for Mother's Day and talking sexual to me a few days ago and coming to ME about purchasing a moving truck to move here is really misleading to me and is a big letdown for me. Now if you believe this was a good way of approaching things then please tell me why.

Also yes it is a few months and I explained that to her. I've had to console her when she thought I would leave her, go with someone else, or she didn't feel like I was there or had reservations of how deeply I feel for her. Based on your judgement of her and I, her feelings are perfectly valid, but when I have feelings and concerns I am somehow "needy" for expressing those.

Dude, don't be so defensive, I've made no judgement call on either of you, why would I? I don't know you. All I know is what you post. I NEVER said you were attacking her, not sure where you got that from.

Let me quote what you stated previously "I recall her stating law would be her calling and I actually live nere one of the Top 15 Law Schools in the country, but I think she needs a break from school which is understandable." See what you said there? You did just give input on her schooling, right? So yeah, you're asking for help from strangers, and getting angry when they give it, so good luck to you, I'm out.

[Biscous]

Dude, don't be so defensive, I've made no judgement call on either of you, why would I? I don't know you. All I know is what you post. I NEVER said you were attacking her, not sure where you got that from.

Let me quote what you stated previously "I recall her stating law would be her calling and I actually live nere one of the Top 15 Law Schools in the country, but I think she needs a break from school which is understandable." See what you said there? You did just give input on her schooling, right? So yeah, you're asking for help from strangers, and getting angry when they give it, so good luck to you, I'm out.

From what she expressed and vocalized to me and explicitly stating that she feels like she needs a break and not sure of her future I stated that. Of course we both seek advice from each other and she values that. I stated to her if she was thinking about a law school here why not go to the other University of Texas College which has a better Law Department.

There's a difference between offering suggestions, being intuitive about your partner, and somehow judging someone. That's a harsh statement. I apologize for the confusion and I didn't mean to get angry so I do apologize and appreciate your thoughts on this.

[FierceFoxie]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You sound like a pretty level-headed and romantic man. I would really be disappointed about the money spent on the tickets too and your GF is probably having guilt about that as well. It's more than likely adding onto the stress of her trying to figure everything out right now.

I would give her that space she is asking for. Do your best to not come off so needy and check-in with her but don't overwhelm her with questions about these things she is contemplating. Right now you come off a bit stuck in "Me" mode. I get it though, I am don't blame you. It sounded like you had a plan and she was on-board with it and then she just changed the plan on you. If you really want this to work, just be in her corner right now. Don't be the wall standing in her way.

[Romeo s Juliet]

sorry about your condition :/ right off the bat i would say she asking you to book tickets and then changing the plans at the last min is not right. if my SO booked tickets for me and even if something great comes up I would have still gone to see my SO and not change the plan.
what i see is right now your gf is thinking about her career and her life in general as to how it is going to be for the rest of her life, she is in serch for a good career and of course something that leads her to a well paying job, so she has temporily put you put of the picture for a while. From your side YES, she is being selfish, but from her side YES she want to build a career for herself, and she doesnt want to let go any oppurtunity cause she doesnt want to regret later on

I think she is a bit swinging with her decisions, and that is only because she surely feel you are suffocating her, and leaves her no option. your frustration is justified because yes she should have behaved a bit more responsible towards you. seems like she is more naive, and surely is not on the same page as you. you sound like a person who has set all your priorities straight, and i feel she is naive and she says different things at different times because she feels it a bit difficult to keep up with your level when it comes to everything in the relationship? I think she needs to communicate alot more clearer to you. you should have a talk or chat with her completely in a chilled out mode. just forget whatever is going on, and get in to her head, to the core of what she is feeling. this has to be done by you calming down and being completely attentive, if it helps, just tell her to forget that u are her partner, and think of u as maybe a friend, and tell everything she is going through right now. dont judge on any of her words.

I m sorry to break it to you, she seems a bit naive and right now whatever happens you need to just give her space, and just be there for her. listen to whatever she says and just comfort her no matter how much it pisses u off. see what the happens in a week, thn after a week try the talking to her like a friend mode, and get to the core of the problem. hope this helps

[Biscous]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You sound like a pretty level-headed and romantic man. I would really be disappointed about the money spent on the tickets too and your GF is probably having guilt about that as well. It's more than likely adding onto the stress of her trying to figure everything out right now.

I would give her that space she is asking for. Do your best to not come off so needy and check-in with her but don't overwhelm her with questions about these things she is contemplating. Right now you come off a bit stuck in "Me" mode. I get it though, I am don't blame you. It sounded like you had a plan and she was on-board with it and then she just changed the plan on you. If you really want this to work, just be in her corner right now. Don't be the wall standing in her way.

Thanks for your input. I felt in the last few posts I was told I was being "needy" and I'm far from it. I am just overwhelmed by the disappointment of someone that I love failing me. It genuinely makes me lose faith in people, especially someone that talked to me about having a life together, children, all of these things. How am I supposed to act?

I've felt I've done things for the relationship, like coming in Georgia to see her instead of my family, that are a bit more self sacrificing than others and I really don't think a lot of men would do the things I've done for someone. She mentioned that all of her previous relationships were with bad men...so her choice.

I feel as though sometimes men's emotions are undermined by society and women in some cases cannot comprehend that men go through things to. I don't always think with my dick

After talking with a friend and being able to discuss it on here, I actually feel optimistic this morning. I've always wanted to allow her to time and space to flourish. I just thought that she wanted to do it together and both of us, as she stated, be a power couple and take over the world Well I will wait for my partner in crime to make up her mind for now.

[Biscous]

sorry about your condition :/ right off the bat i would say she asking you to book tickets and then changing the plans at the last min is not right. if my SO booked tickets for me and even if something great comes up I would have still gone to see my SO and not change the plan.
what i see is right now your gf is thinking about her career and her life in general as to how it is going to be for the rest of her life, she is in serch for a good career and of course something that leads her to a well paying job, so she has temporily put you put of the picture for a while. From your side YES, she is being selfish, but from her side YES she want to build a career for herself, and she doesnt want to let go any oppurtunity cause she doesnt want to regret later on

I think she is a bit swinging with her decisions, and that is only because she surely feel you are suffocating her, and leaves her no option. your frustration is justified because yes she should have behaved a bit more responsible towards you. seems like she is more naive, and surely is not on the same page as you. you sound like a person who has set all your priorities straight, and i feel she is naive and she says different things at different times because she feels it a bit difficult to keep up with your level when it comes to everything in the relationship? I think she needs to communicate alot more clearer to you. you should have a talk or chat with her completely in a chilled out mode. just forget whatever is going on, and get in to her head, to the core of what she is feeling. this has to be done by you calming down and being completely attentive, if it helps, just tell her to forget that u are her partner, and think of u as maybe a friend, and tell everything she is going through right now. dont judge on any of her words.

I m sorry to break it to you, she seems a bit naive and right now whatever happens you need to just give her space, and just be there for her. listen to whatever she says and just comfort her no matter how much it pisses u off. see what the happens in a week, thn after a week try the talking to her like a friend mode, and get to the core of the problem. hope this helps

Yes the age difference is about 6 years. I'm 28, she's 22, but disregarding that I believed that she exemplified a level of maturity that her and I were on the same page. I find it disrespectful honestly she has done this. At the time, due to circumstances (i.e. I had an unfortunate incident with my car getting flooded and I had to pay a deductible fast so I borrowed money from family) I didn't have much money for myself before the next pay period. I borrowed $300 from my family, $200 went to her tickets. Literally just a few days ago she was applying for jobs here and her bringing to me some ideas of moving trucks we can get to move. She was asking me find prices and look around, so I hope you all understand that.

Really she just needs time to get her head straight and this is a learning lesson for both of us. I wish that we can be together but that's her decision now really and I'm able to take a step back right now.

---------- Post added at 11:58 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:56 AM ----------

I know I'm verbose but communication and putting my feelings together are a strength of mine. I appreciate your patience

[Romeo s Juliet]

Yes the age difference is about 6 years. I'm 28, she's 22, but disregarding that I believed that she exemplified a level of maturity that her and I were on the same page. I find it disrespectful honestly she has done this. At the time, due to circumstances (i.e. I had an unfortunate incident with my car getting flooded and I had to pay a deductible fast so I borrowed money from family) I didn't have much money for myself before the next pay period. I borrowed $300 from my family, $200 went to her tickets. Literally just a few days ago she was applying for jobs here and her bringing to me some ideas of moving trucks we can get to move. She was asking me find prices and look around, so I hope you all understand that.

Really she just needs time to get her head straight and this is a learning lesson for both of us. I wish that we can be together but that's her decision now really and I'm able to take a step back right now.

---------- Post added at 11:58 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:56 AM ----------

I know I'm verbose but communication and putting my feelings together are a strength of mine. I appreciate your patience

I thinks she is really lucky to have you being so good at communication, most people have issues with SO s who arent that much verbal. i think you have done alot from your side. and she is not doing a great job on making u feel btter. :/ its true she has alot of stress but seems like she has taken you for granted.
the hard times will pass away. just hold on. hopefully she will come around and August will annouce a happy reunion for both of you.
good luck

[Haley53]

I don't feel like you're being too needy actually, but more that you're seeing this as a complete disappointment.

Like Moon said, her education and her career should be coming first. Whether she's younger or not, it seems to be that that's what she's sorting out. That's what she's looking to figure out, not her relationship, and that's where she should be. In the end, people have to get their independent lives in place. I see a lot of people sacrificing goals and ambitions for their partners and a lot of people resenting it; I see a lot of people giving up on life decisions early because they "can do it in the future if they really wanted anyway" to close the distance with their partner sooner, and then what happens if they and their partner split? They regret it. While I don't say this because I feel like the state of your relationship is doomed, I say it because people, all too often, do not plan with a safety net. They forget everything for the supposed love of their lives and lose who they are, and some of us simply don't want to do that.

About her coming to see you, did she not think she was going to get the internship? Or did she feel like her chances were slim? I feel like it's wrong of her to cancel the trip completely, but I have a little bit more understanding if it were something she did not expect would work out. When it comes to LDRs, oftentimes you have to plan in advance, and if she thought the internship was a crap shoot, maybe she thought she'd still be able to visit. That said, I wouldn't expect my SO to give up an internship either, nor would he expect the same of me. Even if it might extend the distance or postpone a visit, we'd either find a way around it or we'd deal with it. An internship can have exponential benefits, even if it's unpaid; the experience will be worthwhile and it's something she can add to her resume. Maybe looking over her resumes with her was her way of trying to make the best out of a bad situation, putting safe guards in place if she didn't get the internship. I'm not sure on the details of that...

However, as a result of this, I do feel like you're taking this personally, and that may be because you're both in two different places currently. However, you seem to be looking at this as a situation in which she's completely forgetting about the relationship or that she's not prioritising it, when in effect, by prioritising her needs, she's prioritising the relationship. She's setting up her future the way she feels is best, which will allow her to set up your future together. She's doing what she needs to do to satisfy her goals, which will eliminate the risk of resentment towards you in the future etc. While I can understand where you'd feel hurt, this really has nothing to do with you, and it's not fair to compare your capacity to go out of your way, and above and beyond, for people to her rather average and normal capacity for it. There's nothing wrong with thinking about yourself once in a while and in fact, you have to. Making sacrifices shouldn't be at the expense of your happiness and if they are, then I think you need to reconsider this trait of yours as a "good" one. I don't say that to be mean. I simply say it as that's what I feel. To me it doesn't sound like she's sacrificed or lowly prioritised anything; to me it sounds like she did what she needed to do for her, and then felt subsequent pressure from you, which resulted in her need for space.

ETA: Just read that she is younger. Posted late!