Closed-minded SO

[notyourexgirlfriend]

I honestly think you're in an abusive relationship, people that love you don't try to control you. That's all I have to say and if you don't believe me I pulled this information on abusive relationships and just from what you've posted it covers quite a few of these and for all I know there might be more, so please please think about this carefully.

You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
-Is jealous or possessive toward you.
-Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
-Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
-Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
-Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
-Abuses drugs or alcohol.
-Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
-Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
-Has a history of bad relationships.
-Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
-You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
-Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
-Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
-Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
- Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
-You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.
-You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

I wish I could facepalm as hard as I want to, but I can't because I would be left with permanent brain damage and my hand would snap clean off. No, just no! He's alienating you from friends, keeping you from normal activities, not letting you wear what you want to (or don't want to) wear, not letting you explain yourself, threatening you with break-ups, making you feel like the bad guy, and probably some other shit you haven't mentioned. It doesn't matter if he would do it for you too. If he cut off his penis for you, would you cut your breasts off? Hell no, because that's really fucking stupid. So yeah, maybe take a day off from talking to him and really evaluate this relationship. Hint: If he won't let you take a single day off, it's a bad sign.

This sounds very similar to my first relationship I had. Please. Don't be with someone like this. For the sake of your own wellbeing it is not healthy to be in this type of relationship.

All of these people are right. This is abuse, not closemindedness. The controlling and manipulative behaviours are not normal. I am with the masses on this one that you really do need to reconsider your relationship.

[MadMolly]

Classic signs of an abusive partner. Please, please. I know you love him but this is very alarming behaviour. Read some news reports about a young girl in England called Emily Longley who was murdered by her boyfriend and it will talk about how he displayed this exact sort of behaviour before it resulted in him flipping out and strangling the poor girl in a jealous rage. It breaks my heart that she stayed with him even though he was obviously very controlling and then it was too late.

[lademoiselle]

I agree wholeheartedly with the previous posters. I find it very hard to believe your SO's treatment of you will improve, and you guys are still so young We're nothing more than impartial, external observers here with the best intentions, but if you're doubtful of our perception of your situation the please look into your heart and ask yourself if this is really what you want. More often than not we know deep down when something is profoundly wrong but choose to ignore that small voice of uncertainty inside ourselves. My advice to you (and I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear) is to get out while you still can.

[BabyDimples]

These arguements aren't your fault. He is trying to control you by making himself the victim. This sounds like a controlling relationship. You can try speaking to him, and start ignoring some of the things that he says. Try to adopt a bit more of a "I don't care what you say about this, I can wear what I want to". Instead of forgiving him the next time that he does/says something that upsets you, hold a grudge, and see how he reacts to it? Show him how childish he is being? I won't tell you to leave, that is up to you. There are plenty of women who stay in worse relationships because they love their partner. It is entirely your choice.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Pretty much what everyone else has said.

These things start as just shorts and concerts. But they develop into worse things very very quickly. You mentioned you don't go to friends' parties, because he doesn't like it. By isolating you from your friends (and probably family at some point), you will become increasingly reliant on him for your social interaction. Interactions that compromise his hold over you, he will have issues with. I'm pretty sure that if he saw the things that have been posted here, he would ask you not to come on this forum anymore. 'Abusive' doesn't just mean physical abuse, it can also mean emotional, signs of which he is clearly using here, by threatening to break up with you if you don't do what he says. And it's not over a rational, logical issues. It's over shorts.

I understand that this is all very difficult for you, because you love him. But think about it carefully. If, before you became romantically involved with this guy, he was displaying these behaviours, would you have got so involved with him? You probably wouldn't. And that's all part of it. Because you're in love with him, you are 100% more likely to accept behaviour that you wouldn't normally.

You've said you're not willing to break up, and ultimately, you're going to learn your lessons in your own way. You've had some very good advice from people who have been in your position and who are trying to give you a lucky escape from what could be a much worse relationship than you anticipate.

I have been in a relationship where it could be argued that emotional abuse played a role (turned out he actually had some other issues, but I won't go into those). I did end up cutting my friends out of my life, because he didn't really like them, he thought they were stupid and silly. The hardest thing about coming out of that relationship was that I was the one who had abandoned my friends, and then, when the relationship was over, I didn't really have friends to go back to. Eventually, they accepted me back, but it took a lot of apologising and effort. Had I not cut them out, when the relationship ended, I would've had a better support system to help me deal with it.

[Zapookie]

Wow. I'm not going to say much because everyone else has said what I wanted to already. None of this is your fault. He is controlling you and making you feel like you're the one to blame. That is not love.

[Lilly9886]

My SO and I have been having some problems lately, and they're all my fault.

Right this, is the first thing you have to realize, the fights are not your fault. That's where you have to start!! Change that opinion about yourself!!

He is using this feeling, to make sure you think everything is your fault. When in reality, it's all his fault. (Except that you let him do this to you, that's your fault).

Sorry for this response, I know you don't want to hear it, and I won't tell you to break up, even though I think you should. Change how you think about this relationship, him and yourself.

You'll figure out what's right then! Good luck!

[Romeo s Juliet]

everyone else have said what has to be said. Take moon and Eclair s advice. they gave alot of wise words. You are clearly in a very abusive relationship. For now you must be ok with all the contrllong things he says. but seriously you are putting up with such things? are you off ur mind? I feel very bad that you still want to make this work.
he wants a robot for a woman, a woman with no feelings, a woman who will just be as he says.
Trust me as everyone else said he will only get worse. for now you will do everything he says, but there will be a day you will not be able to take it anymore, imagine living with him and he telling you not to do a job and just become a stay at home wife to look after the kids, when you so badly want to do a job and become an indepedant woman? its totally upto you if you wan to continue into this vicious cycle of an unhealthy relationship with your so. for now you threw off the shorts, but in the future you would have to take your heart out and crush it, so that you will feel nothing else except the things he want you to feel
get out from this relationship as soon as you can

[Yaaamiii]

Is there more to these stories? Is there anything that seems off to you about these examples you've given us? Like maybe there's more to it or something?

[lucybelle]

The only way I could see this as being okay is if it's part of a religion. There's some practices where modesty is important, and if the both of you believed in this, then I could understand why he would be upset about showing skin.

Besides that, he sounds like a controlling ass hole. That's all I have to say.

[TwoThree]

Right this, is the first thing you have to realize, the fights are not your fault. That's where you have to start!! Change that opinion about yourself!!

He is using this feeling, to make sure you think everything is your fault. When in reality, it's all his fault. (Except that you let him do this to you, that's your fault).

Sorry for this response, I know you don't want to hear it, and I won't tell you to break up, even though I think you should. Change how you think about this relationship, him and yourself.

You'll figure out what's right then! Good luck!

This is almost exactly what I was going to write.

---------- Post added at 03:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:54 PM ----------

The only way I could see this as being okay is if it's part of a religion. There's some practices where modesty is important, and if the both of you believed in this, then I could understand why he would be upset about showing skin.

Except that it's not okay at all, even in the name of religion. Whatever SHE believes in, she decided to wear shorts, and whether his religion dictates that a woman should be modest is completely irrelevant to her decision.

[lucybelle]

Except that it's not okay at all, even in the name of religion. Whatever SHE believes in, she decided to wear shorts, and whether his religion dictates that a woman should be modest is completely irrelevant to her decision.

I said "if the both of you believed in this..."

[TwoThree]

I know, but that could imply that if she believes she shouldn't show much skin, and yet slips up (happens to many religious people), he should have the privilege to "set her on the right path". Or doesn't it? I'm sorry but I live in a very conservative society and that kind of thinking is all around me and it REALLY rubs me the wrong way.

[Anna N' Luc]

Ok, I'm going to share my experience with my previous SO. We dated for 2 months then I moved from Australia to USA (it was already planned before we met). He moved to the USA 10 months later (he was planning on moving back there before he met me) so for that period of time we were long distance. While we were LD, I noticed slight changes in him. Nothing major just him not calling/emailing/skyping when he said he would (due to the time difference, I'd wake up at 3am every morning to be on Skype at a decent time for him). While we were LD, I started to make friends, it was a group of guys and girls. When I told him about my new friends, he told me he didn't want me hanging around guys he didn't know. I could sort of understand that (even though all the guys in the group were either married or dating one of the girls in the group) so I cut all contact with them and made no efforts to find new friends. Then other things started surfacing, he saw something on my facebook from one of my guy friends (something completely innocent) and unfriended me on facebook claiming he didn't want to see the things my friends posted on my wall, to try and convince him to refriend me, I cut contact with a lot of my friends from back home (I was in love with the guy). Other little things started happening too, one time, he jokingly sent me a link to a job offer for internet porn (I'm 99.999% it was jokingly) and I jokinly said, "wow, great idea, such a great way to earn some extra money" he got mad, refused to speak to me for a couple of days and then threatened to move to North Carolina instead of Washington. I cried and begged and apologised and eventually he "forgave me"

I won't get into other stuff he did when we finally closed the distance but he didn't change, his way of letting me know he had a problem with something I did or was doing was to ignore me completely for days on end. We still live together as I am preparing to move back to Australia and he is preparing to move to North Carolina and it is the most awkward situation I've ever been in, he reads my emails and facebook (he has an IT degree so he knows how to access them) he makes snarky comments about how apparently I'm "sad" and "desperate" for wanting to be with my current LD SO and I also recently stumbled upon a sexual email sent to someone about 3 months after we closed the distance (he left his email open).

I'm not going to tell you what to do because ultimately it is your decision but I will tell you that now that I am out of that relationship and have found someone who loves me for who I am, I have never been happier. Good luck and please feel free to PM me any time you need to talk to anyone about anything in confidence.

[sewbama]

This sounds so much like my first long distance relationship that I just have to tell a story.

I met Daniel at work a few months before I graduated high school. He was sweet, complementary, and thoughtful. When I moved away for college, he changed completely. I had to text him every time I left somewhere or arrived somewhere. He knew my class schedule and I had to tell him when I got to each class and when I left. I was not allowed to go anywhere after dark. I had to answer his texts immediately. If I didn't do any one of these things, we would have "fights" where he'd yell at me for hours, regardless of what I said back. When I started to feel disconnected from the world (I had a lot of friends in high school, and a big family) and told him I felt I needed friends, he said I couldn't because it would distract me from him. I had to come visit him every weekend (a two and a half hour drive), and he would sit on his computer and ignore me the whole time. If we were on the phone and I said a word to someone else, he'd hang up, and then we'd fight.

That is pretty much the comparison. Here's why I'm scared for you (or anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation).

About three months after I started school, my little brother was in an accident about 1000 miles from home and had a traumatic brain injury. I went to see him in the hospital with my sisters, and while I was there, Daniel told me he wanted to kill himself because he was alone and broke (he'd just QUIT his job). That was exactly NOT what I needed at the time. When my brother was moved closer to home for rehabilitation, I could go see him while I was in town, but only for an hour or two. I couldn't see my family while I was there. Over the course of our relationship, he beat me twice, and threw me into a wall another time. For being stubborn (which I am), but over nothing serious. For doing little things like arguing when he said something I didn't agree with. He had a bad night at work, and threw something at me because of it, then didn't understand why I was upset over it. He once told me he hated me for asking a question because his ex had asked the same thing (she was a cheater).

I didn't break up with him for any of these things. I made excuses for him and told myself it was ok. I eventually left him because I realized he'd stripped me of my identity. I didn't know who I was because I'd spent a year becoming what he said I had to be. When I left him (over the phone, luckily...), he told me he'd kill himself. And that I'd have to live with having caused his death. I didn't fall for it, but it was still very hard to hear.

So I hope you can come to that conclusion someday soon enough. I know nothing anyone on the internet tells you will convince you of the truth of the man you love. Only you can find it. But maybe we can help you look.

Daniel had a lasting impact on my life. Each man I've been with since him has in some way seen the scars he left on me. I'm a different person for having been through that. I really hope no one has to feel the way I have since I met him. It's been terribly difficult, and so painful. Not just for me but for my family, my friends (many of whom I never reconciled with), and my subsequent boyfriends.

Please try to take a good look at what this guy is doing. Objectively. See if he's building anything for you, or if he's trying to form you into the woman he wants because he thinks you are easy to manipulate. See if you are really better off for having him, even if you do love him. Sometimes it isn't enough.

Best of luck to you, and anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation.