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He's jealous & paranoid about my friends

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    He's jealous & paranoid about my friends

    Ok so here’s the background: my babe was in 2 brief relationships a few years ago before he was with me, and both girls cheated on him. My best friend Gson (his nickname) is a guy, and all my friends are guys. I call them “the group.” My other best friend Leah was a girl, but we’re not friends anymore ‘cause she became someone I have no respect for. My babe doesn’t like her either, so she’s just out of the picture. All I have left is Gson. He’s my only real friend. Leah abandoned us whenever she got a boyfriend (which was like every month), and she was our sister. I mean the three of us were as close as could be; but she ended her friendship with us for a boy. I had never seen Gson so upset and hurt. I promised him and myself that I would NEVER do that to him.

    Now the problem is that my babe is basically asking me to do what Leah did…whenever I see the group, even if their girlfriends all come along, my babe gets so mad. I can’t ever see Gson without my babe getting upset with me. I don’t get along well with girls and I don’t want any girl friends ‘cause of all the drama they always start. These guys are my brothers. Gson has been my best friend and brother longer than my babe has been with me. I talked to my mom about it last night and she agreed that he doesn’t have a right to try to keep me from seeing my friends. He’s always out with his friends. He’s always either at school, at work, or out with his friends. I hardly ever go out, maybe once a month. And when I finally do, he gets mad ‘cause they’re all guys. I get the same crap every time I go out. It’s just not fair…these guys are all I have, they’re my BROTHERS and nothing more. But he can’t seem to get that.

    I mean if we were married, then things would be different. I wouldn’t be hanging out with guys and I would never be alone with one. That’s just not appropriate. But we’re not married, we don’t live together, and we’re almost 2,000 miles apart. We have separate lives and our social lives, and I just don’t feel like we have the right to tell each other who we can and can’t hang out with. I cut down on my social life a LOT for him. I was seeing my friends once a week or more, but I cut down to once every 1-2 MONTHS. I send him love letters and a card every month, I text him whenever I get the chance, I let the whole world know how much I love him, hell I even flew almost 2,000 miles to be with him and to go to his prom with him. But as soon as I go out with my friends, none of that seems to matter.

    I understand that he’s paranoid ‘cause of the way his past girlfriends were, I get where he’s coming from. But I just don’t think he’s being fair…I can’t just give up all my friends and my social life just ‘cause he’s insecure. I feel like he’s punishing me for what those girls did to him…I just don’t think he’s being fair.

    #2
    If you and Gson had some sort of romantic history, then I could see how he wouldn't feel comfortable with you hanging out with him but since you have only said you and Gson are friends, your SO should not be making demands of you to dump your friends. You need your friends to turn to when you just need social time, to laugh with, share with etc. If your SO is making demands of you to ditch the guy friend, well he is clearly saying he doesn't trust you. Without trust, there can be no lasting relationship. So tell him either he trusts you or this is never going to work.

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      #3
      Originally posted by staystrong12 View Post
      I understand that he’s paranoid ‘cause of the way his past girlfriends were, I get where he’s coming from. But I just don’t think he’s being fair…I can’t just give up all my friends and my social life just ‘cause he’s insecure. I feel like he’s punishing me for what those girls did to him…I just don’t think he’s being fair.
      ^ Why don't you tell him this?

      You said your SO dislikes your friend Leah. Does he realize how she's abandoned her friends before, and how your doing what he asks will make you into that person he dislikes?

      It's reasonable for him to be hurt by his past girlfriends' actions, but surely he realizes that not every girl on earth is a cheater; why would he bother dating again if he didn't think he could expect anything different? Unless you give him real reason to doubt - and it doesn't sound like you have - he has no reason to distrust you. You shouldn't have to abandon and hurt your friends just to appease his unnecessary fear that you'll hurt him.

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        #4
        I did have feelings for Gson when I was younger. My feelings for Trey actually made the feelings for Gson go away completely. And Trey knows that I used to like Gson...Gson, Leah, and I all had a love triangle going on...Gson liked Leah, Leah liked me, I liked Gson, and it was all a mess. That's partly why Leah isn't in our lives anymore. It got too complicated. I was honest with Trey about that 'cause he was there for me while I was losing Leah...he helped me through that, and he's my boyfriend and someday husband so I felt that I should be honest about everything that was going on. But I feel like being honest about that was a mistake, 'cause he never let that go...and I don't know how to get him to realize that I only have eyes for him and no one else. Gson is my brother, and nothing else. Just seems like being honest about that was a mistake...

        ---------- Post added at 06:54 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:52 PM ----------

        But either way, Gson and I never dated, he's not my ex or anything. He's just my brother and my best friend, and happens to be a guy I had a crush on when I was younger.

        Comment


          #5
          It is unacceptable for him to ask you to abandon your friends. You need to tell him that. If he can't accept it, he doesn't deserve you.

          Now, this part I don't understand.
          Originally posted by staystrong12 View Post
          I mean if we were married, then things would be different. I wouldn’t be hanging out with guys and I would never be alone with one. That’s just not appropriate. But we’re not married, we don’t live together, and we’re almost 2,000 miles apart.
          Marriages are relationships. If you aren't serious about your relationship, marriage won't make it different. Why would your marriage end your friendships or make them inappropriate? That makes no sense, and saying that it would make a difference makes it seem like you are doing something wrong now.
          Met online: Nov 2010 - Met in person: Nov 20, 2010
          Closed the distance: April 27, 2011
          Accepted to PhD program 200 miles away: March 2012
          LD again: July 24, 2012
          Left School and Closed the Distance for good: March 8, 2013
          Married: November 1, 2014
          Started job 200 miles away: February 23, 2015

          Comment


            #6
            Well the way my mom and I see it, if you're married, then it's not appropriate to be hanging out with other guys. Some things do change when you get married. I mean my best friend and I can go to the movies together as just friends right now and it's no problem. But I would not do that if I were married. It looks bad and it's just not appropriate. But that's my personal viewpoint. Boundaries change when you get married, at least they should in my opinion.

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              #7
              I agree with ehat people have been saying. Him wanting you to give up your friends is unacceptable, even in a marriage situation. How would he feel if you unfairly demanded that he stop seeing his friends? Bring that up to him

              He is punishing you for the behavior of those other girls. You are NOT those other girls and he needs to realize that, if he can't, he's not right for you.
              "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love " ~ Theodore Seuss Geisel.

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by staystrong12 View Post
                Well the way my mom and I see it, if you're married, then it's not appropriate to be hanging out with other guys. Some things do change when you get married. I mean my best friend and I can go to the movies together as just friends right now and it's no problem. But I would not do that if I were married. It looks bad and it's just not appropriate. But that's my personal viewpoint. Boundaries change when you get married, at least they should in my opinion.
                So your relationship isn't serious until you're married? It isn't inappropriate to be with other guys in a very serious relationship? What difference does the ceremony make? I just don't understand why you think it is inappropriate to be alone with a man when you're married, but it isn't inappropriate, say when you're engaged... I don't think you're doing anything wrong right now (same if you were married...), but I also don't think it's a good idea to put an expiration date on all your male friendships..
                Met online: Nov 2010 - Met in person: Nov 20, 2010
                Closed the distance: April 27, 2011
                Accepted to PhD program 200 miles away: March 2012
                LD again: July 24, 2012
                Left School and Closed the Distance for good: March 8, 2013
                Married: November 1, 2014
                Started job 200 miles away: February 23, 2015

                Comment


                  #9
                  I mean if we were married, then things would be different. I wouldn’t be hanging out with guys and I would never be alone with one. That’s just not appropriate.
                  This seriously made me bristle. >.> Maybe because I am married and I'm still going out alone tomorrow to hang out with my best mate who is a guy.

                  Your best mate having a penis is not a threat to your relationship, even if you had some feelings for him at some point, even if you're married.

                  Maybe that's why so many marriages fail? People have this ideal about what should change, and then suddenly they are no longer happy with their lives and each other and they need to break free? Hmm thoughts for another thread!

                  But I mean, if you're going to ditch your mates when you get married anyway, why not start now? No need to lead them on to thinking you're loyal if you don't intend to be. I'm sorry if it's harsh, but it's just how I see this situation.
                  Happily married to the little Canadian boy I never thought I'd meet in person

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Yeah I can get what y'all are saying, but I just think that some things change when you get married. I could be right, I could be right, I could be neither. It all depends on point of view. But I wouldn't feel comfortable going to dinner with another man or anything like that if I were married. That's just the way I see it. Some, even a lot, of people will disagree with that, but like I said it's all based on point of view and personal opinion. Besides, once we're married, I'm moving up there to live with him, so I won't have my friends anyway. It'll just be me, him, his family, his friends up there. So I need to enjoy my time with my friends now while I can. Anyway, thanks for y'alls opinions.

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