relationship requirements?

[megfashion]

OK, so there was a pretty close call yesterday, where we could have ended it... it was basically that he wanted to stay in his home town his whole life, whereas i prefer not to (quite bad experiences here, would rather not be reminded that everyday of my life..)

we literally talked about it for at least half an hour, and it was getting to the point where i was getting upset... this to me is as important as whether the SO wants kids, wants to get married etc...
*luckily* we did sort it out, and we comprimised on somewhere jst abit out of the home town (he was ok with it, i was ok with it, all good).

but it was a really close call, because i felt really as if this was a life decision...



so what are your "requirements", so to speak in terms of a relationship?

mine are:
- wanting kids (if we cant have any, fair enough, but there are other options there)
- marriage (fair enough, economic climate n all, but at some point)
- living together away from family, but not too far (as in, they are able to visit and we are able to get to them in an emergency, but they cant say they are popping over and are there in 2 minutes :P )

what do you think yours are?






p.s we also found out we both share the same value of having our elders live in with us if they are ill... thats some persuading later on in life i dont have to do! haha

[lala]

hmm interesting.. we don't have really some requirements as we are just one year together and of this time we were just 3 months CD..but I'm sure that we will have a talk soon,so maybe we will have some requirements then
oh well I just remebered that I told him,if we don't see eachother this year it won't make any sense.. so my requirement was that we are going to see eachother this summer.

other than that if I ever move to him I would first want us to get married and a promise from him that we will go every or every second year to europe to visit my family. I would also like to have children before I turn 30 but that doesn't depends just on our decision,but money and health...

[Yaaamiii]

lol Nice :P Glad you guys got that sorted out .

For sure where we want to live. Luckily, being a teacher can be semi-flexible in that I can just take any state test and get certified in the state if we moved out of our home state. We're both pretty flexible as to where we want to live, I don't think either of us care too much about where it is...but I reeaalllyyy prefer a city that's close to the beach. The beach is like, my favorite place to go and I just can't imagine going long periods of time not going...

We both want to get married, and we both want kids. He wants 1-2 kids and I want 2-3, so our compromise is 2. XD

[ChibiFelicia]

I guess you're basically saying what are your deal breakers? Theres another thread somewhere about that.

I always thought i had deal breakers but really with my man those all went out the window. We work so hard to be together, we think about each others needs etc and so far things are working out. Thing is if i didnt like the guys thats the deal breaker. If i liked him then i'd work with it. Theres nothing that i feel THAT strongly about that would make me want to break up with him because i know that if i did feel that strongly about it, he would compromise. Say with the kids thing. He wants to kick them out at 18 regardless. I dont. I said if they wanna go to college etc i'l help them and he's like...ok we'll open up an account for them and keep all spare cash in there for them and when they hit 18 and are going to college they can have access to it. I think that was a good compromise. Im happy. If they go to college. If they dont they are free to do what they want.

Another one of my i really dont wants, is i really dont want an elder to be living with us. I dont want to have to provide 24/7 care. Honestly it's more i dont think i could handle it. I work and take care of the older adults and its bloody tough and im only doing it for 8 to 14 hours a day. I admire the people who can do that but if it were me i'd need help. I couldnt look after them 24/7. It depends on how ill they are but there comes a point when it jsut isnt practical. For example dementia - what if they've become violent due to it? Its not their fault obviously but if i had the means i'd take them to a home. Im glad that my man is ok with that. He agrees that there does come a point when you cant look after them. I know it sounds heartless and i know people can do it (as a job and at home) but i dont think i could. We'll see when we get to that point.

Relationship is about working together. I believe my man and i will always work together to sort something out. So nope no deal breakers from me.

[princessmeg1328]

I remember one of the first things that I told my fiance when we first got together was that I wanted to get married and have kids. I told him to tell me if he wanted those same things. He said he did. If he hadn't, I don't think we would have gotten to this point in our relationship. For me, those were my only deal breakers. In our situation, not getting married wasn't really an option anyway. Oh, and he has to like dogs which he does. I have three of them so that was important to me.

[lucybelle]

@megfashion- you're only 17. I think talking about where you want to live, how many kids you want to have, where you want to get married, etc, is putting WAY too much pressure on your relationship. You're young! Enjoy being young! Don't worry about boring adult stuff while you can still be a fun teenager.



I don't really have many "requirements". I do want to be married one day. I'm still on the fence about kids, as is my SO. I'm really glad my SO is also an atheist, but I was always open to being with someone who wasn't. I used to want to live in the USA forever and ever, but now that I'm back in Costa Rica I could see staying here too (or even another country).

So I guess the only thing is getting married. Oh that and having pets. But I already won that battle

Thought of another one- tolerance is extremely important to me. The person I'm with must share my liberal views on marriage equality, human rights, civil rights, etc. And they have to know evolution is a fact.

[Kiyama]

From experience I've learned there are a few requirements for me:

Love first of all of course. My ex and I were together for six years and at the end I had a lot of doubts about my feelings and I stayed with him way too long just because we got on so well and things were generally fine. I loved him somehow. Spening so much time with a great person makes you love them but not the way it should be and what I feel towards my SO now.

Attitudes and expectations towards life. With my last boyfriend things failed because we were too different with regard to fundamental things. We had a lot of interests in common but he wasn't interested in any sort of career he wants to live on more or less no money. He is very anti capitalism and has views I cannot understand and don't want for myself. I'm not materialistic but I want a certain standard in life and not look at every cent I spend, especially when there are children involved. My parents were able to offer me a lot (spending time abroad, going to uni...) and I want to be able to give these things to my kids too.
This is also about whether someone wants children or not. I want children so that would be a deal breaker.

Those are the big Two I think. With regard to everything else in my opinion it is about communication, compromise and accepting and loving the other person the way they are

[Moon]

I have a couple...He can't want kids or have minor children. I'm simply not interested in that kind of life at all.

Also, he has to really like animals, especially dogs.

Although I'm an atheist, I'm not against someone who has some belief in a higher power, but I know I couldn't be with someone who has any strong religious beliefs, especially christian. We would be fundamentally too far apart.

I don't think these are things I could ever compromise on.

[corrda00]

OK, so there was a pretty close call yesterday, where we could have ended it... it was basically that he wanted to stay in his home town his whole life, whereas i prefer not to (quite bad experiences here, would rather not be reminded that everyday of my life..)

we literally talked about it for at least half an hour, and it was getting to the point where i was getting upset... this to me is as important as whether the SO wants kids, wants to get married etc...
*luckily* we did sort it out, and we comprimised on somewhere jst abit out of the home town (he was ok with it, i was ok with it, all good).

but it was a really close call, because i felt really as if this was a life decision...



so what are your "requirements", so to speak in terms of a relationship?

mine are:
- wanting kids (if we cant have any, fair enough, but there are other options there)
- marriage (fair enough, economic climate n all, but at some point)
- living together away from family, but not too far (as in, they are able to visit and we are able to get to them in an emergency, but they cant say they are popping over and are there in 2 minutes :P )

what do you think yours are?






p.s we also found out we both share the same value of having our elders live in with us if they are ill... thats some persuading later on in life i dont have to do! haha

Mine are pretty much the same as yours.
I would also say that anyone Im with would have to share my faith, or at the very least share the same morals.

[Moon]

@megfashion- you're only 17. I think talking about where you want to live, how many kids you want to have, where you want to get married, etc, is putting WAY too much pressure on your relationship. You're young! Enjoy being young! Don't worry about boring adult stuff while you can still be a fun teenager.

Completely this! Get through school before you worry about this kinda stuff, enjoy yourself while you're still a teen.

[megfashion]

Completely this! Get through school before you worry about this kinda stuff, enjoy yourself while you're still a teen.

well, i would, but we could possibly be moving together when i go to uni, which is in just over a year's time :P

[sewbama]

So I'm only 23, but my relationship requirements at 17 were so different than they are now... I can't imagine having to live my life based on the things I thought were important then. Not that I was an idiot, just that I've changed. I've become a different person than I was then. You should always leave yourself open to that possibility.

As for now, I'd do just about anything for my SO. But before I met him, it was important for me to find someone who was alright with my being Buddhist, having cats, and pursuing my dreams. But I think the most important thing to me is to have someone to challenge me to think differently, and someone who accepts that same challenge from me. Shane's online dating profile mentioned that he loved cats (and he's lovingly accepted the addition of rats to our family). He is very uninterested in religion. He was raised completely without it (not even an emphasis against it) and he just doesn't see the point in it at all. Fine by me. As far as our dreams go, that's why I'm here. I'm leaving for school in a couple months to get a PhD. He's also getting a PhD, so is stuck to his school, 200 miles apart. He's been so supportive and encouraging. And we talk about everything. He makes me think. He's the smartest person I've ever met.

I could never compromise on those things, and for Shane, I don't have to.

[Haley53]

Being only 20, I can't say I have many fundamental requirements. I'm still figuring them out. :P

However, I can say that I do have a few that are unlikely to change:
One is that they need to have an appreciation for philosophy. I'm very Eastern spiritually and in the way I perceive and approach the world. I would not do well put together with someone who is a hardcore scientist/atheist or someone who's very religious, and I would not do well with someone who cannot think beyond the "Western way," so to speak.

The other is that I would not do well in a city. I love the city, don't get me wrong, but I simply cannot acclimate to it. I spent time going into Dublin every day for a month with my SO and I nearly shrivelled up. We went to Howth (beach town) at one point and I frolicked and danced about in the sand like a puppy. I absolutely love the coast, as does my current SO, but I could compromise by living in any variety of nature-surrounded locations. I simply cannot do city day in and day out; it's too suffocating.

Thirdly, they have to love animals. I tried it with someone who didn't (well, that had never had animals, not that didn't like them) and... couldn't do it. They simply did not get it. My SO does not currently own any but has owned a dog in the past and is an absolute animal magnet, and animals are a magnet to him too! We both spend full days at the zoo simply looking at the animals and appreciating them and we went and saw a dog show and pet stray cats etc. I'm a cat person and he's a dog person, but he loves them all as do I. I don't think I could ever be with someone who'd never grown up to appreciate animals or who never had any plans on ever wanting them.

As far as children and marriage, I know as far as I want to get married (if I marry someone outside the country. I'm not sure I'd get married if visas weren't necessary) and I probably want to have children, but marriage wouldn't be until later 20s and children wouldn't be until my 30s.

As far as my own particular relationship? The only "requirement" we have for it is that we both love/prefer the coast, and we likely need to live in America for a while until I get established in my profession, due to the nature of my degree, and from there we're not sure where we'd go. We don't need to figure it out yet. The requirement, however, was set because one of us needs to close the distance at some point, and I wanted him to know what he was getting into with me and what I'm studying.

ETA: I also want to add in with sewbama that the lack of intelligence and making me think would also be a pretty big dealbreaker for me. It's what stagnated the last relationship. I like being able to debate "reality" and "perception" or the origins of personality or where soul comes from with my SO late at night and for us both to be able to have a discussion about it. I'm still unsure of where I stand on his idea that education is not worth getting into debt for. Sometimes I wonder that if it comes down to a fundamental difference in education, there may be an issue, but since he's going back to complete his schooling and potentially pursue higher education, I feel like he's finding his way. Even though I separate education and intelligence, I value education highly for myself and would for my children. We'll see what happens in the next few years.

[frompanthertomustang]

I think my "big" my deal-breakers have stayed relatively the same through the years, but the smaller ones are ever-changing. I definitely want to get married about have kids, which I can see is a common "requirement" on this thread, but things I used to think were important, like sharing in my strong love of cats, are obviously more irrelevant now that I'm in a serious relationship. Note that my SO is okay with cats, but he's allergic . I also used to be dead-set on exactly when I was going to do everything in life (what age I'd marry, have my first child, etc.) but if being in an LDR has taught me anything it's that things do not always go as planned. I'm very lucky in that I did not have to compromise much with my boyfriend because we share a lot of the same values, but there have definitely been a few things that set us apart. We are different people, after all.

Our religions are the same, though neither of us is extremely religious, we do go to church for special occasions, and I did not realize until we talked about it just how important that was. I know if he had been much more religious and wanted to include it into our daily lives (with children) it may have been difficult to agree on specific aspects of their upbringing. What is funny is that we both have opposite political views: he's a conservative and I'm pretty liberal (okay, I'm moderate, but I really should be called a "why can't we let people be happy and be themselves?") I feared in the beginning that this would be more of an issue than it really is. To be completely honest, he is more involved in politics, whereas I tune in whenever I feel there has been an injustice. But there has never been an issue in the relationship regarding our views: I think we bring them up respectfully and, if anything, cause the other to think a little more. Plus, I come from a huge family of conservatives, and he gets along well with my side!

I think everyone is hitting the nail on the head: you're so much more in-tune with what your real "deal-breakers" are when you find someone you could see spending the rest of your life with. I think a lot of requirements become irrelevant because you work so hard (especially in LDRs) to make your relationship work and to be together.

[leonsfangirl]

The kids come first, thats the most important thing for me.
I couldnt have an open relationship either so if thats what my SO wanted i'd walk, i simply couldnt handle that.
Any more children is out now too, i can't have anymore so they'd be no point in getting involved with someone if they wanted kids of there own.

I had an elective hysterectomy a few years ago and i asked my SO before i had it done if he would ever want to have children with me (i was still with my husband at the time... i know im a terrible person) and he said he'd take me whatever i decided to do and i should do what was best for me and my health. If it was a deal breaker for him to be able to have children then i would have backed out.

Other than that, id be able to compromise. Im very easy going,to point that it gets on my SO's nerves abit when he asks if i want to do something i say "if you want to"