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**roosie** · May 27, 2012, 06:30 AM

Oh wow, that must have been very hard for you both. I'm sorry to hear what happened. I don't mean to offend you but are you getting any professional help? I was there once, struggling in my personal life and in my relationship with my SO, depressed, facing emotions and situations I just couldn't handle in a healthy way, even suicidal. I'm in a much better place now but I had to face my demons and learn to deal with the emotions in a healthy way to heal. Sometimes we need someone who has no emotional ties to us to make us see this. I really hope you feel better soon.

**Romeo s Juliet** · May 27, 2012, 06:48 AM

wowww

i just want to say you are soo sooo sooo strong girl

wow your story made me so inspired

please keep strong. god will show you a way

and never give up

all the best

and thank you for posting your story here

thank you for inspiring me

**TwoThree** · May 27, 2012, 09:18 AM

I'm sorry to hear all you've been through :/ Hopefully things will look up from now on. At least you and your SO have each other. That last paragraph of your post was heart-warming.

**Kanga** · May 27, 2012, 10:19 AM

Even though, I don't know you. I'm glad to hear that you are doing ok. and everything is good with you and your S/O.

I know about suicide, I've attempted it twice and failed. Also, my best friend tried 3 times also failed. I know that feeling of everything crashing down on you all at once, and you can't handle. Then your mindset goes I can't do this anymore, then you attempt to end it all.

I hope everything continues to stay good for you and your S/O.

**Yaaamiii** · May 27, 2012, 10:25 AM

Glad to know everything turned out for the better!

PS- Love that song by the way!

**squeeker** · May 27, 2012, 11:34 AM

Aww, Im sorry to hear all that happened, but it's good you're looking on the positives, I'm sure you both will get through this and have a good life together! Things happen for a reason, maybe this all is just signs you're moving to a new stage in your life and relationship, things changing but as long as you two stay strong through this, you'll have each other, I'm sure you'll do okay.

**Zapookie** · May 28, 2012, 01:49 AM

Glad to hear you're doing better. You should speak to a professional if you're still finding things overwhelming. It really helps to talk about it to someone who can understand your mindset.

**Jezah** · May 29, 2012, 01:02 AM

Yea, I have a doc who I see for anti-anxiety meds but not a therapist. Sadly, most therapists buy into my happy go lucky strong girl front and never catch on that I do it because I have to in order to stay sane. So they usually do not help me, they always think things are great because I smile and laugh a lot. I know its easy to say "well then show them, tell them" but that is really hard and involves a level of trust I rarely give. I will be talking to my doc about getting a new med, since I think I grew tolerant to the one I am on and it no longer helps me. However, honestly when life is overwhelming it is overwhelming and I don't think I need serious help for feeling it. People can only take so much, and at 25 most therapists who read my file sit gape jawed that I am still sane and not a drooling mess in a institution. Then they usually tell me to write a book.

But really, in the end, I really truly feel like meeting and loving HBB has been my salvation. Yea I was living before, but until I met him it wasn't really a life WORTH living. Not only do I love him and want to be with him, but knowing him changed me on a fundamental level. He makes me feel beautiful and strong, the way I look in his eyes is who I want to be. Maybe it is who I am but I don't realize it. He sees me as beautiful, feisty, funny, strong, smart....all the things other men told me I wasn't. Things I had myself convinced I could never be, yet he sees them in me and it makes me want to prove him right. I think sometimes, rarely, you meet someone and its like two magnets connecting and nothing can stop the pull. HBB is that for me.

**Haley53** · May 29, 2012, 01:32 AM

I was not going to respond but in lieu of your response, I'm going to.

Life can get overwhelming, yes. Yes, life happens. It happens to all of us and we all go through our individual trials, some worse than others. However, to say that life gets overwhelming and you don't feel you need serious help for it when life being overwhelming resulted in a suicide attempt and stay in the ER after being pumped full of "feel-good" drugs is... Well, at the very least, it's trivialising suicidal ideation, or comes off as such. Life happens but people deal with it. My mother getting overwhelmed when it's tax season, for example, is normal and likely does not warrant psychological help. Say, however, that my mother tried to commit suicide because of the pressure and stress tax season placed on her or perhaps she started experiencing serious suicidal ideation. Though I hate to use the term "normal" versus "abnormal," I will say that that is not healthy. It is not healthy because it's putting someone's health and safety at risk, including yours.

I understand the HBB "gets you," but you're so completely dependent on him that you have completely lost yourself. Who would you be without HBB? Is that someone you could love the way you love yourself because HBB loves you? HBB sees you as the traits you listed because you likely carry them with you, as part of who you are. They aren't there because HBB walked into your life. They're there because they're at the very core of your personality. What I'm more concerned about is what would happen if HBB left? What would happen if something happened to HBB? It is not healthy to let one person be your sole salvation, your reason for living, the only person that you can trust. He's also not the only person that can help.

You're sitting here essentially saying you play games with your therapists. They can't see through the front that you put on. Whether it's because they genuinely can't or because they're accepting that that's where you're at (not all therapists are blind stupid. They know games when they see them, but they also don't push clients to a place they're not ready to go), it's a front you're putting on and therefore severely limiting yourself from ever getting help. And depending on HBB and leaning on HBB and having HBB as the only one you can rely on, the only solid rock you're standing on, is not healthy, and he will not always be there because it's unrealistic to expect someone to keep saving you. If you are at this point of actually attempting suicide, of harming yourself in such a way you're putting your life in danger, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate where you currently stand. HBB can't heal you. He can help you. He can support you. He can mask your issues, insecurities, fears, wounds, scars, etc., but he cannot heal you. That is only something you, Jezah, can do for yourself, and by denying that anyone can help besides HBB, you are doing yourself a grave disservice.

I don't say this to be a bitch, either, though I'm well aware some people are going to take it that way. I say it because I have been here. I have been in a place where I felt like my life depended on the man I was so in love with, to whom I felt such a strong and magnetic pull. He even saved my life by doing a similar thing to what HBB did. And yet in the end, I realise that he is not the one who saved me. I am ultimately the one who saved myself, who was honest with myself and recognised that I was beyond a point of saving by anyone who had no idea how to deal with a suicidal situation, which is, in my opinion, something only a trained professional really can, when it gets that serious to the point of an attempt. It took courage and it took guts and it took breaking through every trust issue I had to realise therapy was a two way street. Therapy is not about playing games and seeing which psychologist is smart enough to break down walls that they don't have a chance at pushing past to begin with. Let's face it, even if they copped you out, you likely would not break down and tell them what's going on, not until you genuinely want to be helped. HBB will not save you. Your relationship will not save you. Even a therapist cannot save you, but they can guide you in saving yourself better than anyone you think you could not live without. This one's up to you, and you may not want that help, you may not want to heal from where you're at, you may like where you currently are, and I suppose that that's fine, but I couldn't sit here and listen to you talk about how your suicide situation was down to life being overwhelming as if everyone does it and HBB being your only salvation.

**Malaga** · May 29, 2012, 09:09 AM

Eclaire speaks wisdom.

If you continue in this way, it's likely this will break off at some point. Why? Because it's exhausting, the kind of relationship you have is just emotionally draining. No matter how in love with you he is, at some point he just won't have any more strength to prop you up.

This doesn't mean you have to be perfect or that you have to hide your issues, on the contrary, his love gives you freedom to be open about them. But for the sake of yourself, and for the sake of your relationship, use the support he gives you as a crutch on your way to a happier you, not as an excuse to indulge in harmful behaviour relying on him to bounce you back.

You seem to have a romaticised idea of suffering as proof of passion, but as much as this kind of drama brings you closer together for the time being, long term it pushes you apart. You should be aspiring towards making things as stable as possible, for your mental health and for the sake of the relationship. It's how the whole world works, in physics, chemistry and everything else - unstable relationships inevitably fall apart. And if one partner is attempting suicide, this is about as unstable as it gets.

Maybe you fear that without having something to fight for, without feeling responsible for you he wouldn't have a reason to stay. But he would, because he thinks you're beautiful, sweet and funny, because he loves you despite the drama, not because of it.

I understand you're overwhelmed but attempting suicide over losing a pet and receiving bad news which aren't even final yet (he has one more chance to pass his exam, right?) - it's a spectacularly exaggerated reaction. (Last year I lost my beloved dog of 17 years and I still miss her terribly and well up whenever I think of her, so I know what the pain is like.)

They say suicide attempts are cries for help; think about it - whose help did you hope to get? And why did you feel this was the only way to get it?

I do not say this to trivialise your problems or to make you feel bad, but these are very serious things we're talking about and I think I'm doing you more of a favour by telling you as it is than coating it in cliches. I hope you choose a healthier path and I wish you luck.

**Jezah** · May 29, 2012, 04:41 PM

I really do not 'depend' on HBB for everything, my happiness my life and everything else you both said. I am not dependent on him. I tried to commit suicide not for one or two, or even 3 reasons, but a lifetime of really crappy things that have happened to me. As far as 'playing games' with therapists....well I am sorry if they are so overworked and under trained as to see when someone needs them to dig deeper. I only have had one therapist who helped me, and she was the one on the 2nd visit who said "You cannot smile in this session, no laughing, because you are doing that because you are trying to cover up the real emotions and you need to face them". She saw I needed someone to recognize my defense mechanism, and I hardly think being unable to trust therapists means I am playing games with them. I can't see that one anymore since she moved, and since I have tried several others but all they do is "How was your day? How do you feel about that...mmmhm, uh huh, ok so lets meet again in 2 weeks". Hardly helpful, and the fact that when I cracked a joke about that in the ER to my doc and the nurses they all understood means I am not the only one who feels traditional therapy and therapists have no clue how to help most people. Depression and anxiety is chemical anyways, so I think my psychologist who takes care of my meds is the best to treat me.

I just resent it being implied me and HBB are anything less than pretty flipping amazing for getting through all this. I wrote this post and its follow up to inspire, and because I felt pretty damn good that me and him had come out the other side of all this crap. Came out the other side BETTER for it. We are not unstable and unhealthy, and we are not going to 'fall apart' because I have MY ENTIRE life struggled with depression and PTSD. If we were going to we would have already since I can honestly say these past few months have been some of my hardest. I have had worse things happen (surviving a fire by going out my 2nd story window, rape, rape again, seeing my friends mom stabbed 17 times when I was 7 ect ect) but always one at a time. Losing my 2 cats who were with me through almost all of those things, were my support through them, within 1 month of each other and then having me and HBB's dream that we had since we MET essentially crushed, all at once was so overwhelming to me I really couldn't cope. Its a little different from tax season, sorry to say. However, you know what, I did cope...I did survive and me and HBB are fine. So think us unhealthy and me a bitch if you wish, but at this moment in time I feel strong for surviving this and stronger in my relationship too and nothing anyone says can take that away.

BTW, I do know you were just trying to help and appreciate it. However, judging an entire relationship and person as 'unhealthy' or in need of help without understanding the entire situation can hurt more than help

**Shepard-Fowkes** · May 29, 2012, 06:30 PM

Originally posted by Jezah View Post

BTW, I do know you were just trying to help and appreciate it. However, judging an entire relationship and person as 'unhealthy' or in need of help without understanding the entire situation can hurt more than help

You made a suicide attempt. Something is wrong. Suicide attempts are not healthy. Period. Get help, and realize that most of the work in therapy is put on you, not the therapist. Therapy isn't them asking the right questions, it's you giving the right answer. You'll get out of it what you put into it and you can't expect a therapist to become a mind reader and then get upset at them for it. If you can tell a therapist what you've told us here (heck, print out your posts and read them aloud!), they'll be able to help you better. Of course, having successful therapy means changing the way you think and accepting that the way you are is damaging to both you and your relationship. Look, there's a lot of issues going on in your life and getting defensive about your reactions to them isn't going to help you at all. Pulling out this victimhood stuff won't make any of your issues go away or make them easier to bear or allow you to move past them. Attempting suicide is not coping and it is not a healthy reaction to the problems in your life. I'm writing this out of concern for you. You are not out of the woods yet, this is still a risky time in your life. Please don't be so flippant with your mental and physical health. You aren't fine yet. Please listen to the people on here who are warning you that you aren't as stable as you think you are.

**Haley53** · May 29, 2012, 07:30 PM

Originally posted by Shepard-Fowkes View Post

You made a suicide attempt. Something is wrong. Suicide attempts are not healthy. Period. Get help, and realize that most of the work in therapy is put on you, not the therapist. Therapy isn't them asking the right questions, it's you giving the right answer. You'll get out of it what you put into it and you can't expect a therapist to become a mind reader and then get upset at them for it. If you can tell a therapist what you've told us here (heck, print out your posts and read them aloud!), they'll be able to help you better. Of course, having successful therapy means changing the way you think and accepting that the way you are is damaging to both you and your relationship. Look, there's a lot of issues going on in your life and getting defensive about your reactions to them isn't going to help you at all. Pulling out this victimhood stuff won't make any of your issues go away or make them easier to bear or allow you to move past them. Attempting suicide is not coping and it is not a healthy reaction to the problems in your life. I'm writing this out of concern for you. You are not out of the woods yet, this is still a risky time in your life. Please don't be so flippant with your mental and physical health. You aren't fine yet. Please listen to the people on here who are warning you that you aren't as stable as you think you are.

I agree with Shepard-Fowkes.

You are not the only one who's gone through something difficult. You are not the only one who has seen life that hard. As have the rest of us who have been through repeated traumatic experiences, yes, you're going to suffer over it. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. - all are normal reactions and responses to what you have been through. I'm not going to get involved in the whole nature vs. nurture debate, because there are actually no current solid chemical causes for depression (the common assumption is serotonin, but that's not definitive and there is no definitive proof) and antidepressants are not fool-proof either, but I will say that, as I'm sure you're well aware, you cannot go through what you have been through and not suffer for it. Your environment post-birth does not dictate any chemical imbalances that might occur.

I also want to note that I'm not saying every therapist out there is good. There are plenty of shit therapists. Plenty of shit psychiatrists, too, who are happy to tell you have x-disorder and it's due to y-chemical imbalance because that is how they make their money. They run a business off bending the rules of diagnosis and prescribing pills for everything from an actual disorder to grief. Not all of them are like that. Not all therapists are as simple and uncaring as you say. However, you should know that medication is not nearly effective alone as medication in conjunction with therapy, so to pass it all off as something that can be handled by a psychiatrist because "it's chemical" is, again, doing yourself a disservice. And I'm sorry to have offended you with saying that you're playing games, but that's essentially what it is. People who "test" their SOs to see how much they care by not ringing/IMing first or by giving one word answers to see if their partner will pick-up on it or by pretending everything's fine and dropping little hints, that's playing games and so is this. Being able or unable to trust is a decision that you have control over. I get that it's not "that" easy, but it is a decision that you make, and it's unfair to pin it on the therapist as being their problem. Your lack of getting anything out of therapy is something you need to be held accountable for, to some extent.

That being said, I'm not going to sit and be told I'm hurting because I'm holding you accountable. We only know your relationship based off what you choose to post, and in the end, your threads point to an unhealthy relationship. I apologise if that's the wrong impression, but we only know what we're given to work with, i.e. what you post. As far as saying you're "unhealthy," I never said that. I told you that to be so overwhelmed you attempt suicide (and this goes for any suicide attempt you've made) is unhealthy. The action is unhealthy. I did not say you, Jezah, as a person are unhealthy. There is a difference between actions and coping mechanisms being unhealthy and someone being unhealthy, so please do not put words in my mouth. I am not going to sit here and tell you that it's okay that you attempted suicide and you're inspiring because of it and because HBB stayed with you. To me that says that there are unresolved issues for which you are doing a disservice to yourself not to help. I say again that I did not call you an unhealthy individual, but this reaction was, in this case, unhealthy and deserving of help you are not allowing yourself to be on the receiving end of.

I am sorry that I offended you, but I'm not going to pretend something's not wrong when suicide is something that is your own internal cry for that something is not working as it should.

ETA: I also want to note that I was not saying that your situation was identical to my mother's situation during tax season, though I want to point out you have absolutely no idea what my mother (or our family) has been through and why tax season would be such a struggle for her to have to handle. I admit I did not explain the background. However, my point was more the way people should handle stressful situations, and attempting suicide/turning to suicide at all is not a healthy way to cope.

I am not saying you are not strong or that you and HBB's relationship hasn't improved. I am simply pointing out that you're deciding because you didn't die this time that you and he are amazing and you're even stronger coming out of it. You don't need to suffer to be amazing, Jezah. You don't need to be a martyr to essentially prove that you are worth something. Playing it off like everything's fine simply because you survived puts your life and your happiness, and HBB's happiness, at risk, because what happens if there's a next time and the call isn't made in time? The strongest decisions in this kind of situation are oftentimes the absolute hardest ones to make, and in this case, that would be getting the help that you need, whether or not you feel that you do. Simply wanted to clarify that I'm not calling you weak, either, simply that I think you need to work on releasing your fear and being strong enough to seek the help that would prevent you from reaching these extreme lows to begin with.

**Biddlybiddlybombop** · May 30, 2012, 08:01 AM

Jezah, I am so sorry for what you've been going through, and I'm massively glad you're still alive.

Having said that, I do want to support Eclaire here. Her points almost always have insight and merit, and I think they're worth consideration. I understand that this might be making you feel a little attacked, but I'm sure that's not how people are trying to come off. Eclaire is right - we only know what you post - if you read back through your posts, would you get the same impression we're getting now?

She's also right that all the things you listed about how HBB makes you feel are real reflections of what you are, not qualities he somehow puts in you through his existence. It's a part of you, individually, regardless of whether he's around or not, and forgetting that can be dangerous to your personal identity. Who do you become without him around?

I have phoned for help when a friend tried to commit suicide by taking a bunch of pills when they were on webcam to me. And I have to say, it sucked. I was stressed and sick and worried. And although, at the time, I thought it was a genuine attempt, I now see that it was a cry for help. I'm glad my friend is alive. Very Very VERY. But I kind of resent being a pawn in his attempt to 'cry for help'. It sounds mean, but it shook me up really badly, and I was young, and it scared me. The thing is... yes, technically, I saved him from dying. But if he hadn't been talking to me, it would have been someone else. It wasn't the fact that it was me that saved him. It was the fact that there was someone there. And ultimately... me preventing a successful suicide attempt didn't make all his issues go away. It's not a magical cure. Just because HBB was there to make sure you didn't die doesn't mean he's made everything go away. And that's why therapy is such a good idea. It can help YOU deal with YOUR problems, in a way that is constructive to YOU. I agree with Eclaire that in order to be saved, you have to want to save yourself.

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