Update on us, lots of news

[lucybelle]

I was going to stay out of this.. but what the hell.

I think the fact that you came and posted about your suicide attempt shows in itself that this is something you need help with. People don't talk about things they don't want other people to know. You could have never told the forum about this and we would have never been the wiser. But you wanted us to know, you want sympathy, you want support, you want help. Not just from HBB, but from the people here as well. So, get help. None of us here are licensed to deal with these sort of situations. None of us know you whole story. So find someone who will listen to that story, someone who can give you good advice, someone who knows what they're doing. So that you can grow as a person and continue to be happy.

Best luck.

[Jezah]

I get the whole 'suicide is a cry for help' thing....but honestly I have sat here and thought and thought about what I was trying to gain...or what help I was looking for and the answer was that I wasn't. I just wanted to die, because the only thing I 'wanted' in that moment was for HBB to have NOT failed his Main Board and Pooka and Cricketa back. Since I know time travel is not possible...I was not expecting anything but death.

That is grim and very morbid, but that is just to point out not all suicide attempts are for attention, or a cry for help....some are honestly a person wanting to die and failing at it. That was my case. I am glad I failed, as me and HBB have worked things out and have new plans on how to make things work...but at the time I couldn't have even pictured that. I was grieving twice over for my cats and a new type of grieving had just been added (the death of a dream). I was drunk (4 beers on a completely empty stomach does that) and not thinking clearly. Also HBB had sprung the news on me right before I left for work so I had just suffered through 8 hours of wanting to cry and not being allowed to. It was a perfect storm of too much to handle. Did I wish I reacted in some stronger healthier way? Hell yes, I am still embarrassed I attempted this (and doubly so since HBB told literally everyone except his grandmother all about it). I mentioned it openly on here as frankly this is a relatively anonymous site and my post was literally a few lines about that and a whole lot more lines about other things. I wasn't making a post about my suicide attempt, I was making a post about everything that happened lately and that was included. Now it has turned out that this entire thread is now about my suicide attempt and it is slightly uncomfortable. I am not comfortable with pity, I don't know how to respond. I am a very factual person, think Bones (the character from the show) about these things. It happened, it sucked, its done.

That said I called my old therapist yesterday and left a message asking her if she knew any other therapists in the area that practiced her type of therapy. I haven't heard back, but if I do I will pursue it. However where I live is controlled by a massive Mental Health Center funded by the govt that is slowly but surely pushing out private practitioners since they charge the insurance companies less. They charge less for generic, cookie cutter 30 min therapy sessions with overbooked under trained therapists who have upwards of 100 clients each....so getting quality therapy around here is near impossible. Even my mom who used to work for them warns me off of them, as did my psychiatrist....but private therapists who accept my insurance is like finding a needle in a haystack. So I am stuck with what I have, meds and my support system of family and HBB to help me. What I wouldn't give for a good therapist.

[Kristin91]

I'm sorry to hear all the bad news... keep your chin up, things have to look up soon! If you ever need someone to just talk to send me a message!

[kteire]

I get the whole 'suicide is a cry for help' thing....but honestly I have sat here and thought and thought about what I was trying to gain...or what help I was looking for and the answer was that I wasn't. I just wanted to die, because the only thing I 'wanted' in that moment was for HBB to have NOT failed his Main Board and Pooka and Cricketa back. Since I know time travel is not possible...I was not expecting anything but death.

That is grim and very morbid, but that is just to point out not all suicide attempts are for attention, or a cry for help....some are honestly a person wanting to die and failing at it. That was my case. I am glad I failed, as me and HBB have worked things out and have new plans on how to make things work...but at the time I couldn't have even pictured that. I was grieving twice over for my cats and a new type of grieving had just been added (the death of a dream). I was drunk (4 beers on a completely empty stomach does that) and not thinking clearly. Also HBB had sprung the news on me right before I left for work so I had just suffered through 8 hours of wanting to cry and not being allowed to. It was a perfect storm of too much to handle. Did I wish I reacted in some stronger healthier way? Hell yes, I am still embarrassed I attempted this (and doubly so since HBB told literally everyone except his grandmother all about it). I mentioned it openly on here as frankly this is a relatively anonymous site and my post was literally a few lines about that and a whole lot more lines about other things. I wasn't making a post about my suicide attempt, I was making a post about everything that happened lately and that was included. Now it has turned out that this entire thread is now about my suicide attempt and it is slightly uncomfortable. I am not comfortable with pity, I don't know how to respond. I am a very factual person, think Bones (the character from the show) about these things. It happened, it sucked, its done.

That said I called my old therapist yesterday and left a message asking her if she knew any other therapists in the area that practiced her type of therapy. I haven't heard back, but if I do I will pursue it. However where I live is controlled by a massive Mental Health Center funded by the govt that is slowly but surely pushing out private practitioners since they charge the insurance companies less. They charge less for generic, cookie cutter 30 min therapy sessions with overbooked under trained therapists who have upwards of 100 clients each....so getting quality therapy around here is near impossible. Even my mom who used to work for them warns me off of them, as did my psychiatrist....but private therapists who accept my insurance is like finding a needle in a haystack. So I am stuck with what I have, meds and my support system of family and HBB to help me. What I wouldn't give for a good therapist.

The part about your suicide attempt might have been short, but it's definitely the most important thing here. I didn't get the impression that anyone was trying to say that you'd just done it for attention... A cry for help isn't always an attention seeking thing, it's a sign that you can't cope with things, and that's absolutely nothing to brush aside. I'm happy to hear that you're attempting to find a therapist, and I hope you can find someone to help you work through everything. If finding a therapist is hard, what about a social worker? Mine did more for me than any psychiatrist I've had, and I owe her everything.
It's not a normal response to get drunk and attempt suicide, even if a lot of horrible things had piled up on you directly beforehand. Things might be better now, but you need to get healthy for when bad things happen again, because without a shred of doubt, they will. Even though the responses you're getting are obviously not what you want to hear, they're being honest and concerned for your health. You seem like a strong person, and I can understand not wanting people to pity you, but don't mistake geniune concern for pity.